Monkey_magic

You taking anything else boogres or just the keppra?

Yeah. Hide him in the basement.lol. Alive or dead. Thing is, he only comes out when I'm drunk. (Or black out drunk per se, but since getting hppd the black out line has blurred. That 'ach, il just have one more' is the invitation as I've no willpower and love a bit of escapism in all its forms. Allthough it's time to stop the drink alltogether if i cant do it in moderation and embrace my other escapism hobbies. Give wee Davey dwarf a long vacation. If you can't beat em...hide em.

I've never had visuals like that thank fuck. Just in the dark I see everything made out of tiny purplish monochrome dots that's very reminiscent of when I was on acid. My visuals aren't a problem any more, I've had them that long I've forgotten what normal vision is. Just all the rest of the shit, the cognitive side and phsychological (and thus physical too) gets to me.

I think I manifested this self image in myself Pre-hppd and even Pre drugs. At like 13 or so when I started getting mad hormones and noticing the opposite sex more. (And they didn't notice me, unless it was to slag off my awkwardness and buck teeth lol). From then on I instinctively developed a emotional shield that I thought was helping me but all it was doing was letting it in and not letting it back out. Which drugs, weed, acid, e etc augmented. To this day I have trouble with emotion (both feeling and showing). So yeah, guess its a personality disorder brought on at the beginning of puberty. I was an overly sensitive child but I had no problems 'letting it all out' if I felt emotional. Nowadays it's like there is no middle ground. It's just all in or all out. I've thought at times that I'm maybe borderline schizo cos I've got these two distinctive sides to me but its probably more a bipolar thing. (Allthough I've never been diagnosed that). Doesn't stop it being any less annoying though. If I could get me and the dwarf to meet in the middle, shake hands and morph as one then I'd be a step closer to easing my hppd significantly I think. Lol. Deep shit doc.

Yeah, three days in to my keppra trial I'm getting the same thing. (Only on 500mg a day so far). Tiredness and dizziness like myrslinger. (Slept on and off for 14 hours earlier). Also mood swings a bit. Allthough no anger yet. Mostly just moments of feeling very down interspersed with 'hey, i actually feel pretty good' lol. But I'm prone to those anyway. Think it is quite taxing on my old CNS so far.

You guys sure thats not orcish your speaking? I've read lord of the rings. Looks suspiciously familiar.

I need a break from Prozac -mg, I've tried a good few different ssris though to no avail. Don't think I've tried celexa or seroquel though. (I got trialed on a lot of shit when I had a breakdown years back). Including citalopram and mirtazipine. What's the diff mechanics wise between Prozac and celaxa (and or/seroquel). Prozac really done a good job on me a year into my hppd, but I've never been able to recreate it since it stopped working as well. Must be something in the mechanics of pzac that worked well, be it a certain serotonin receptor or dopamine. (Dunno if dopamine receptors are involved in pzac mechanics, allthough I read that pzac a not as selective as other ssris). I've never tried any dopamine based meds though.

LOL. I think that's the case -mg. chloroform will cure everything. Whenever I say to docs or pdocs here 'yeah, but in America.....' They roll their eyes. It's not like Brits haven't been taking drugs for decades like you Yanks as well. Bloody cross border communications has come on leaps and bounds since the invention of the Internet but you still wouldn't know it sometimes in the medical profession here. Klono and an EEG is a start though chris. HPPD not drug related though? How gullible is this neurologist?

All my dreams (that i remember) are a bit like that though. They're never full on nightmares or full on nice running through sunny meadows like when you were wee. Just very....disquieting. Like an undercurrent of something that shouldn't be happening throughout but enough decent stuff (like sex etc) to stop me from waking up in a cold sweat type shit. First time my subconscious self has taken the form of a deformed dwarf. That's a new one. Bet that becomes recurring now....bastards.

The question is though, was the dwarf there first all unspoilt and I've built all my repression around him or did I have this repression the whole time which gave birth to the dwarf?? What came first the chicken or the egg?? Lol.

Yip. Bang on -mg. I've certainly got a nerdy side, infact, in general I've got a whole other side to me I don't let people see. Or I can't let people see. He generally comes out when (really) drunk cos my repression runs so deep. I dunno about the procreation. I've procreated twice and that's more than enough. However later in the dream i think kids were involved (apres dwarf shooting though) in a kinda 'it's a wonderful life' montage type thing, here's what you could have won!! The normal relationship part is correctamundo. As indeed is the 'normal' life part. Subconsciously I know I can't have a normal loving relationship without dwarf tit fucking it up until I have a normal life and brain that's devoid of hppd. And general balance which at the mo I'm pretty fuckin far away from.

I used to go and buy like 50 or 100 10mg blues off the street and munch them rapid once I discovered they helped with anxiety and visuals. (Im talking like starting off taking 2 or three and by the end of the 100 your popping 7 or 8 of them in a night....madness).Tolerance builds really fast. But generally they make you not give a fuck which is sometimes required. In my opinion they're the best benzo for my hppd at least. I've had a few different benzo types now. It's weird how one family of drugs can have subtle but different effects.

Cheers bro. You too. Early days!!

I've started on keppra (500mg) three days ago. Nothing at all improving in a visual sense. General anxiety seems slightly worse also.(allthough not had any klono for a week cos I blew a months prescription in a fortnight before I started the keppra, so obviously a bit of WD in there). I do feel slightly that I'm 'seeing" things differently and my thought processes are maybe 10% more linear. Still waaaay off any baseline. Dunno if that's placebo though. If it is a 'worse before it gets better thing', then just gotta suck it up I suppose. My brain will take 6 months to rewire.

I dunno if it did exist before him. Pretty sure allthough he was an extraordinary guy he didn't coin that phrase. Don't fancy that huge sabre toothed tiger sized one straddling the businessman, il have the cool wee one on the skateboard please.

Pop one of those helmets on your noggin Doc like Professor X Cerebro style to find more out there!

Right. I had a mental dream last night that me, a hot(ish) chick and a wee deformed dwarf dude were all pals. And me and the hottish chick (that bore no resemblance to anyone I know) wanted to get it on and be a couple. The deformed dwarf character didn't like this idea much and wanted to fuck said girl, so me and my pseudo chick kinda allowed this dwarf dude to visit but all of us knowing I had a shotgun and would shoot him if he got overly frisky. (Fucking shotgun??), and I knew if he got his hands on it then I was for it and probs her too. The shotgun was never shown to the dwarf but it was known it was under beds or hidden somewhere about my person lol. Things escalated into a kinda siege mentality where me and the gal locked ourselves into the house thinking dwarf man was going to go for 'the big push'. In the end I blew him to bits and I think it had a kinda happy ending, it got overly complicated later on. I'm pretty decent at deciphering dreams in others I think. All latent subliminal shit innit. What do you reckon? I'm currently girlfriendless and that's been annoying me hence the 'prize' of the gal, the deformed dwarf dudes a bit more challenging. Is it the ugly version of me that has ruined things in past relationships? (mostly when drunk) is it that simple? He was a wee shifty mofo but there was a nice side to him that made me want to not shoot him as much as I could wait it off.lol I watched a violent film called 'super' before I went to bed. That's probs had a bearing on my thought process. It was kinda daft.

If I'm not me, then who the hell am I? - Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall.

I don't even want to watch that cos itl depress me. Lol. I can tell by the still! Why's there so many dogs? Has it relevance to churchills 'black dog'?

In the grand scheme of things my life has about as much importance as the tiny insignificant microbe that -mg says can kill you but if the microbe won't kill itself then I won't either. If a fucking microbe has a better self preservation mechanism than me then were all fucked. Lol. You don't see microbes getting talked down off ledges do ya? Or dogs, or even chimpanzees. (Allthough there's an argument that the chimpanzees the government drug tested probably would if they could but that's besides the point). Why didn't the government try acid on dolphins? told you nobody has the answers.

Pure guesswork man. Chin up chris, you might not be as strong as you want to be right now, but just be as strong as you need to be. There's a difference. I've had suicidal ideologies at my worst (and 'urges' also) allthough never consciously gave it a bash. Subconsciously yeah, whenever I go past a certain number of drinks I black out and take my life into my own hands and I've done that loads. Woke up in hospital, naked, cuts n bruises all in the name of 'escape'. But it's harder to drink yourself to death than you'd think. Personally I think it's a lot more hassle to kill yourself than it is to just keep bobbing along. Nobodies got the answers, no matter how much their life seems together. They're gonna experience loss and pain too and were all just transient organic matter at the end of the day. Might as well see where that day goes.

Is ignorance bliss? I knew something was very wrong for years n years but didn't have a name to put to it, doesn't make it any less real. Least now I know I'm not the only one and there's comfort in that. I knew I didn't quite fit in any 'drug physchosis bracket' that I knew of. Allthough you feel bad that anyone should have to go through this shit because of a bit of experimentation.

The trip (out of loads) that I attribute mainly to my hppd (amongst other things) I can't even remember cos I was so fucked up and drunk n stoned too. So yeah, I blacked out (which to most leads them to be unconscious and unable to walk but I am able to cause havoc on a black out).. A form of unconsciousness I guess. I dunno if I had remembered it if it would have made it worse or better. probably better cos if I had experienced it '1st hand' then I probably wouldn't have taken drugs again. But maybe if I had then it would have psychologically scarred me even more so who's to know. A hypnotist might cajole the experience out me but would I really want to face that again? I think most hppdrs who develop their hppd remember their bad trip if that was a part of the development process.

Well, if I can tell of any improvements il be getting the doc told to up it big time. Lol. Mind you i read of the guy getting results with the 50 mg daily of keppra lol. I'm a not bad responder to most things though. (Cept bloody klono it seems, but I went overboard with that). I just got a bundle of piracetam before getting the go ahead on keppra though, think its still allright to take one of those (800mg) inbetween my doses?

I got some prescribed today. A months worth of 250's. one morning n night. See how that goes. Il report back anything improving or whatever.