Jay1
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Everything posted by Jay1
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I really think it is the first step to recovery.... and It is a hard step, i've guilted myself out many times.... but it's of no help. The way I try and rationalise it is with the saying "everything happens for a reason". Maybe getting hppd stopped me from getting addicted to heroin (like some of my friends and family)..... Or maybe as a "normal" person, I would have been a right twat, doing more harm than good but feeling ok about it. hppd (or the previous drug use) has soften me... i'm not arrogant, I care for people, animals, the planet etc.... Perhaps if I hadn't got hppd, i'd be some corporate banker, cheating on his wife, neglecting his kids etc. My point is.... when we look back with regret, we only tend to look at this bright, beautiful life that could have been.... but It's not just a 2 sided coin, we could have become better people without hppd, we could have become worse.
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Luckily I missed the boat on the ket scene.... From what my mates tell me, it sounds a bit like a Salvia hit (the real out of body Salvia hits). I can't see anything being as fucked as Salvia when you really hit your inner space, cept maybe the few stories i've heard about people doing Datora (is that how it's spelt?)..... A friend of mine, who is proper pshyconaut did something when he was travelling in africa that put him in a state for 3 days, and he experienced all the bad things he has ever done to other people, from the perspective of the other person. He buzzed off it, saying it was very cleansing and stripped him of any lingering "bad vibes". Sounds like pure hell, to me. Anyway, yea... madchester, stone roses, happy mondays back.... HAC51 next? That would be a blast from my past!
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UK has gone mental again.... It calmed down for a while, now it's maybe worse than even the rave heydays (when it were £15 an E!). I go back and EVERYONE is on something or other.... even the most boring people are full of coke... I have to travel about to see family and stuff and when we are down south, everyone is full of coke and up north full of ket...... madchester is back and it's spread!
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Yea, that's it really..... I've suffered, probably as hard as I imagine it is possible to, with hppd..... but I can at least think, well I had a fucking blast for years..... and also, I knew the path I was taking. I was on self destruct, so can't really sit about crying because something went wrong. That was the whole point... I was gonna do that shit until I died or something went wrong.... So no guilt, just a tinge of "it's a shame I was born with an addictive personality" So I have the good memories, and no major guilt or regret. I chose a path and that path led me pretty much where I expected. I could sit around and wonder about why I was so self destructive... but it's too far in the past to care now.... I was just a crazy teen who liked drugs.... no point lookin too deep, in my opinion.. I reckon when I hit about 70.... If I still have this, i'll dodge off to a jungle or something and have a trip..... just for old times sake.
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Probably from 13 on the weed and acid.... ramping up to a major party from 16 to 20... very hazy teenage years. My last blow out was June 1996, so I would have been almost 20. After that, I just had a few slip ups on mdma and coke.... but that was the end of my big drug binge. Some very, very good times, which maybe helps me keep my spirits up, even with all this crazy shit..... I can't imagine you guys who just got it after a couple of trips, it must be soul destorying.... at least I knew the fine line I was walking and had stared into these depths many times before... almost toying with it.... so when it reached breaking point, I kind of embraced it (maybe even wanted it? Nothing like a mental breakdown to help you to quit the party) To do your first trip and enter this hell must be the absolute worst, most heart wrenching thing I can imagine.
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haha, seems you are right.... my memory is bad... I guess I should write this stuff down properly.
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Scares me to even think.... 50+ LSD trips 20+ shrooms 100s of E's 20+ grams of MDMA 100s grams of coke 100s grams of speed too much weed to remember too many nights on the booze to remember I'm lucky to only have hppd really.... some of my mates are proper pyscho now.... think the TV is talking to them and stuff
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I found this site! Although I had learned to cope, I still had/have very strong hppd, so started trying the various meds people were having success with. Keppra etc Nothing really worked, but I get relief from 1 or 2 klonopins a week.... Which i'm very thankful for. When managed well, Klonopin is great. Me and my nuerologists are trying to find another benzo like substance, where I could take, say, 2 weeks of klono... 2 weeks of "x substance" and never get addicted/tolerant to either. The search continues.
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I did the first 11 years without meds (and also didn't know what hppd was)....... It was good, really.... made me very strong minded and determind to make something of my life. I know I say this alot, but I worry for the people who jump straight onto benzos and don't learn to cope..... I fully understand the decision and don't judge them for it.... But it concerns me, none the less.
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Best medication for visual symptoms?
Jay1 replied to Ghormeh Sabzi's topic in Medications & Other Treatments
What sort of dosage do you take for hppd relief? -
yep, that is always my advice to new comers. My only concern was that you sometimes felt suicidal, if that continues... there is no shame in taking meds to help.
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sad story mate... must have been so hard on you at that age. Stress seems to be a huge factor in hppd and anxiety, so it is no surprise to hear you started getting symptoms after your dad's death. hopefully you are looking after yourself now, no more drugs. It sounds like you are in a mild/pre hppd stage, so, fingers crossed, this will pass with time. good luck and feel free to ask any questions
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If you are feeling suicidal and hppd isn't your main worry, I'd try an anti depressent. I wonder if you should try one that targets both depression and anxiety though, like Lexapro? I know some people on here have found it to be an anti depressent that doesn't play too much with hppd. http://en.wikipedia....ki/Escitalopram Good luck, Jay
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Anyone heard of this? Sounds quite interesting as an alternative to benzos. As it acts at a different target site to benzodiazepines (but still tagretting the all important GABA-a receptors), there is a possiblility that you could do, say, 2 weeks on a benzo then 2 weeks on Etifoxine for a long time without getting addicted or tolerent to either. (I'm no doctor, so will need to ask my neuro about that). If we could mask our symptoms for ever, without addiction or tolerence building... then that is a cure, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etifoxine I have an appointment mid March, so will find out and report back.
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I find any kind of upper gives me crazy anxiety. Maybe if you are drinking as well, you wont notice the anxiety as much... I can have a couple of coffees, if I am on the beer.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e541LlNiTBY Best Oasis song.... rock and fuckin roll
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What's interesting is it only really works in a sentence, as your brain is already guessing the next work. taotl pboerolm raed Those words are not so easy to decipher when not in a sentence.
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I notice that you included Salvia in your tags... did you use that alot? Salvia really changed the way I saw my visuals.... Beforehand, the visuals were overlayed onto real life, stressful, but at least it was all one "image"... after Salvia... they seem more distinct, seperated. Even worse, unfortunatly.
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Maybe that is lost in translation.... but just because something didn't make things worse, does not mean it is now a "safe" drug to do, with regard to hppd. I did mdma loads of times, with no bad effect on my hppd.... but then after one time, it got much worse.
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Hi, while you are more than welcome here... this forum may have better information for your particular case: www.thosewithvisualsnow.yuku.com Best of luck, Jay.
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For sure.... there are alot of interconnected mechanisms in the brain. Look at klonopin.... it reduces our visuals, but also reduces short term memory (most of our memory is based on visual input, so makes sense). It also helps epilespy and anxiety. There seems to be a link between all these things, so If they can find treatment for one, they might help the others. Even tough it might be too late for us, I can see this sort of science improving to the point where they can pinpoint any malfunctioning gene/receptor/nerve and fix it.... I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, for the population. Some of these rouge genes must account for extra creativity, genius maths, going bizarely off topic on a forum etc
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can i get a benzo prescription at 18 years old?
Jay1 replied to mybiggestmistake's topic in Medications & Other Treatments
In the UK, my doctor wouldn't perscribe me valium because of my age... I think I was about 19. Probably the BEST doctor's advice i've ever received. I don't speak for everyone, but I know at that age, I didn't have the will power to take it on an as needed basis, I would have been addicted and further complicated my life. If you are certain this is the right path... Then I suggest going in with a parent or gaurdian and have them distribute the benzo when you really need it. -
Good choice I've not heard of Flexx, but if it is like cocaine, at least it is not hallucinogenic. hope your hppd goes away and you can live a happy life
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Things that affect your life more than hppd
Jay1 replied to psilocybin420's topic in Community Open Space
plenty of smut on the road too -
Things that affect your life more than hppd
Jay1 replied to psilocybin420's topic in Community Open Space
Not sure if it's possible for you... but maybe just get out of your town/city for a few months... travel and see new stuff, meet people on the road. Alway helps me, you can be as sociable or secluded as you want when you're on the road.
