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16 to 17 years old. 5 months in. Read this if you’re new to this garbage.

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Hello. I am McCabe Mostoller and I’m now 17. I got this shit two months before my birthday after a really wrong acid trip that fucked my life backwards. I’m here to say YOU will get better. But I’m gonna give the truth. I have lived with this for what feels like years when in reality it has only been a set of months. I’ve been in therapy the whole time and I luckily got a therapist who not only understands but is treating someone else with the same issue, who in fact, lives in the same place as me. Which yes a lot of the time distresses my brain and makes me believe I’m not living or I’m dreaming or whatever, all that dumb stupid shit. But none the less the more time goes on the more I am able to live with this condition. Now the question of does it get better, the symptoms anyway? Yes and no, for me my visual symptoms have more of switched I guess, they aren’t the same as they used to be but that doesn’t mean their worse. Even if they were because I’ve had it for so long, or what feels like an eternity to me now, I’ve learned how to somewhat come to terms with it. Some days it’s worse some days it isn’t. My advice with that is, don’t worry about the visuals or feelings going away, try to worry more about yourself learning how to live and deal with it. Because I think for all of us this is trauma. You gotta learn to deal with it like any other trauma, even if you have trauma already and you think this is much much worse. It might be. But you have no control over that part. But you are able to figure out how to respond to it. I’ve made stupid mistakes while having this condition because of being so depressed. I went back to weed multiple times, then stopped, went back, constant cycle you know. And yes it did make it worse during the time and for about a week or two after I would stop smoking marijuana. Of course that thought in my mind always wants me to go back to psychedelics, but of course I’m not gonna do that to myself, it’s like another intrusive thought. Part of me wants to but I know I won’t do it. It’s hard of course. But one interesting thing is I stayed in my house for most of the time after getting this as I have a fear of the outside, especially at night haha (I’m sure you all understand). But when I do it’s usually for work and school (I also attend a more laid back school, I only go two days a week for two hours. If you want to know how this is possible just dm me and I’ll explain what it is). I’m starting to feel the stress of the outside world seep into me again which ironically is both horrible and refreshing. Of course I don’t want both the weight of this shit and outside problems on me. But I locked myself away and isolated for so long that it feels nice to see the outside of my head every once in a while even if the stress In turn makes me symptoms worse. I like to think living with this is like living with a handicap for a video game. You always gotta try to avoid difficult situations cause anything can really set you off and spiral you into a panic attack and In turn spiral your vision too haha. I hate it. However the more you live with it again, the easier it gets to deal with this “veteran difficulty” type thing you’ve got going on. Sorry I know I’m making a lot of jokes and puns here but I haven’t been able to about this for so long and I’m trying to just be cool with it for a little bit of time before it decides to spike up again. My life is weird. I don’t understand. Like many of you, I think I’m dreaming or dead. I have this thought that I’m actually constantly dying and changing to other parallel universes. Like quantum immortality. Yeah saying it all out loud to people that aren’t my therapist and it also just being typed on a page makes me sound crazy. Idk, I’ve learned I can’t control my thoughts for a while but hopefully soon that will change. One weird thing that this condition has done to me is really screw up my actual dreams. I have a lot of waking dreams, if you know what those are, and dreams where I am in the place I fell asleep and I wake up in the dream and something happens that didn’t actually happen and then it makes me believe it really did happen, which is part of the reason I believe I’m shifting realities. Yeah there’s a lot messed with my brain. That’s why I gotta be doing therapy. But if you struggle with any of those other things that I struggle with just know you’re not alone even if it feels like it. I don’t know you. But I’m here supporting you with my thoughts. I know how hard it is. But don’t let it beat your ass for too long, you’re a strong human being, I mean you’re living with a very hard disorder. So am I. And there’s now progress for research and all this great stuff happening. People are starting to recognize this. People are starting to care. So don’t give up. Please. It does get easier. I promise. JUST DONT DO ANYMORE DRUGS UNLESS YOU KNOW THEY DONT INTERACT WITH YOUR SYMPTOMS. Trust me you don’t want to be the thing that makes it worse for yourself. It sucks. Anyway, hope you guys find your ways and abilities. I love you all and happy new year. Hope this is the one that can free us all if not get us closer to leaving this prison cell of this disease in our heads. 

Edited by mccabers.babers
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@mccabers.babersi think you've touched on a lot of important points.  I view hppd as a disability and it should be treated as such.  Just like someone who loses their eyesight, loses a limb, etc.  I realized I had to get on with life and work hard focusing on what really mattered to feel fulfilled and happy.  It is not a moral failing and we are not bad people for contacting hppd.  When I first realized I had a problem, I mentioned it to a doctor and he basically told me I got what I deserved (roughly around 1981).  It sounds like therapists and doctors are not so clueless now.  Be patient, symptoms can reduce or dissappear over time, but it might take a while.

If you feel like posting more thoughts or experiences, please do.  Writing for me is quite cumbersome.  You seem to have a real knack for it.  You never know, something in your posts might help someone else.


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  • 2 months later...

Great post! I think about these things like quantum immortality (several close calls I can't really explain how I made it out of) and have seen other very supernatural things.  Ive been started to therapy but I don't think I'm going to talk much about them. I want to but it's seems like psychiatry doesn't want anything do due with "magical beliefs" this is one of the symptoms of schizotypal disorder. Delusions I guess they'd say. I tried to talk deeply but they didn't know what hppd was until I said it's in the DSM V. They immediately pointed to psychosis/schizophrenia. But I've had others confirm they saw the strange unexplainable things too so it couldn't have been a hallucination or a delusion (like a ufo) (ouija board experience) (physical objects appearing that never existed or disappearing) unless they were shared sober hallucinations we could see smell touch taste hear. Lol but it could be argued that's all life is. Like a dream. But on a more dense level? I mean there has been reports of two people having the same dream. I've had a dream about someone in my face trying to get my attention and then they call and wake me up with something very important. And there is such a thing as tactile and olfactory, taste hallucinations. It's just when they're shared we call it reality. I always found it weird when people tell me they don't dream in color. Anyway my fear of talking about the spiritual and supernatural is while technically I probably do fall in the schizotypal category, it was never a problem for me and I'm afraid to take antipsychotics and antidepressants although I do have depression and anxiety. These drugs are known to make hppd worse. And are VERY easy to get. While the best ones seems to be klonopin or lamictal but lamictal seems more risky. Idk Id just like to try the former for a short period first. I actually got my hppd from a legal drug but I've told the truth about my past drug use and for me at least it's not helping treatment. Have you been diagnosed with anything besides hppd? Tried any meds or supplements? Everyone I've talked to in psychiatry has been clueless and can't diagnose me but the opthalmologist knew what it was lol. I had real bad anxiety and derealization I guess it was. I still felt like I was tripping or going into a bad trip for the first few weeks. I guess I kinda do still feel it sometimes when anxiety increases but it did get A LOT better with time. Wish the visual would too. How are you doing a couple months later? Thanks for sharing. 

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