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Hello. I am McCabe Mostoller and I’m now 17. I got this shit two months before my birthday after a really wrong acid trip that fucked my life backwards. I’m here to say YOU will get better. But I’m gonna give the truth. I have lived with this for what feels like years when in reality it has only been a set of months. I’ve been in therapy the whole time and I luckily got a therapist who not only understands but is treating someone else with the same issue, who in fact, lives in the same place as me. Which yes a lot of the time distresses my brain and makes me believe I’m not living or I’m dreaming or whatever, all that dumb stupid shit. But none the less the more time goes on the more I am able to live with this condition. Now the question of does it get better, the symptoms anyway? Yes and no, for me my visual symptoms have more of switched I guess, they aren’t the same as they used to be but that doesn’t mean their worse. Even if they were because I’ve had it for so long, or what feels like an eternity to me now, I’ve learned how to somewhat come to terms with it. Some days it’s worse some days it isn’t. My advice with that is, don’t worry about the visuals or feelings going away, try to worry more about yourself learning how to live and deal with it. Because I think for all of us this is trauma. You gotta learn to deal with it like any other trauma, even if you have trauma already and you think this is much much worse. It might be. But you have no control over that part. But you are able to figure out how to respond to it. I’ve made stupid mistakes while having this condition because of being so depressed. I went back to weed multiple times, then stopped, went back, constant cycle you know. And yes it did make it worse during the time and for about a week or two after I would stop smoking marijuana. Of course that thought in my mind always wants me to go back to psychedelics, but of course I’m not gonna do that to myself, it’s like another intrusive thought. Part of me wants to but I know I won’t do it. It’s hard of course. But one interesting thing is I stayed in my house for most of the time after getting this as I have a fear of the outside, especially at night haha (I’m sure you all understand). But when I do it’s usually for work and school (I also attend a more laid back school, I only go two days a week for two hours. If you want to know how this is possible just dm me and I’ll explain what it is). I’m starting to feel the stress of the outside world seep into me again which ironically is both horrible and refreshing. Of course I don’t want both the weight of this shit and outside problems on me. But I locked myself away and isolated for so long that it feels nice to see the outside of my head every once in a while even if the stress In turn makes me symptoms worse. I like to think living with this is like living with a handicap for a video game. You always gotta try to avoid difficult situations cause anything can really set you off and spiral you into a panic attack and In turn spiral your vision too haha. I hate it. However the more you live with it again, the easier it gets to deal with this “veteran difficulty” type thing you’ve got going on. Sorry I know I’m making a lot of jokes and puns here but I haven’t been able to about this for so long and I’m trying to just be cool with it for a little bit of time before it decides to spike up again. My life is weird. I don’t understand. Like many of you, I think I’m dreaming or dead. I have this thought that I’m actually constantly dying and changing to other parallel universes. Like quantum immortality. Yeah saying it all out loud to people that aren’t my therapist and it also just being typed on a page makes me sound crazy. Idk, I’ve learned I can’t control my thoughts for a while but hopefully soon that will change. One weird thing that this condition has done to me is really screw up my actual dreams. I have a lot of waking dreams, if you know what those are, and dreams where I am in the place I fell asleep and I wake up in the dream and something happens that didn’t actually happen and then it makes me believe it really did happen, which is part of the reason I believe I’m shifting realities. Yeah there’s a lot messed with my brain. That’s why I gotta be doing therapy. But if you struggle with any of those other things that I struggle with just know you’re not alone even if it feels like it. I don’t know you. But I’m here supporting you with my thoughts. I know how hard it is. But don’t let it beat your ass for too long, you’re a strong human being, I mean you’re living with a very hard disorder. So am I. And there’s now progress for research and all this great stuff happening. People are starting to recognize this. People are starting to care. So don’t give up. Please. It does get easier. I promise. JUST DONT DO ANYMORE DRUGS UNLESS YOU KNOW THEY DONT INTERACT WITH YOUR SYMPTOMS. Trust me you don’t want to be the thing that makes it worse for yourself. It sucks. Anyway, hope you guys find your ways and abilities. I love you all and happy new year. Hope this is the one that can free us all if not get us closer to leaving this prison cell of this disease in our heads.
Hi all, I am just wondering if anyone has recovered from Hppd. I am not sure I have it but I go through waves (every 8 months roughly) where I start getting extreme anxiety, head pressure and severe derealization or brain fog to the extent that I stay at home. This could be related to something else but I have had two bad shroom experiences (4 grams the one time and 3 the other). What I am wondering is if that might have triggered this? Are these high enough doses, it sure felt terrible, and I regret it. the head pressure and detachment / derealiztion is unbearable. I have no visual symptoms like trails or lights etc, at all. I actually felt perfect for the last 9 months, better than ever, no anxiety nothing. also bear in mind that I had no ill effects right after the bad trips, only months later. Is this typical of Hppd? I have also come off of benzodiazepines (11 months ago) and I attribute a lot of how I feel to that, but I would like to know if it could be from the shroom and if it could possibly heal over time. Also for those who have had such symptoms and it does happen to be hppd, is there any hope of recovery. I don't mean just living with it but I mean it going away. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, Id love to hear from a few different people to hear how they progressed. Again, I havent lived with derealiztion every single day for the last 11 months, I have essentially had two 4 week bouts of it in the last year. Other than that I have had pretty much full clarity for the last 10 months up to now.I hope that makes sense. Thank you in advance, and I hope you are all well and recovering.
Hey guys, I haven't been on this site in quite some time, but I was reflecting on the past 6 years of perceptual disturbances and thought that I would write a post that may shed a different light on HPPD. I am very thankful that HPPD has become a part of my life(yes, even when I start melting or the room keeps changing sizes). I'm sure by this point many of you are thinking "wow, this guy is fucked in the head" , but let me elaborate a bit more. At this point in my life I am happy, I love who I am, and I am in a great place despite my visual and tactile disturbances not wavering in the slightest. Pre-HPPD, however, I could say none of the good things I listed above. I lived my life constantly brushing my anxiety, depression, and insomnia under the rug like it didn't exist. HPPD amplified these problems to a point where I could no longer just pass them off. It forced me to change. I had to open up to people about myself and my problems like I never had to before. I had to focus on the things that I could control (anxiety, depression) rather than the things that were out of my hands(perceptual disturbances). This was not an easy process at all. I struggled immensely for a year before I developed the coping skills I needed to allow myself to be happy. One of the biggest turning points for me was when I was finally able to forgive myself for the long series of decisions I made to get myself caught up in in everything. I fortunately haven't had any other trauma in my life, but that almost made it harder to forgive myself for creating such a traumatic event for myself all because I wanted to get high. I also thin that it was important that I accepted the fact that HPPD was a part of me; this is the way I see things now and that ok. In fact its more than ok! I have a hugely different perspective on life than I did before and I think that is one of my biggest assets in life. I couldn't imagine where I would be if HPPD didn't come into my life (probably still getting high off of stupid shit all of the time with no future plans). HPPD helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life (though I almost dropped out because of it) HPPD is the reason I became a social worker and have a great job that I love HPPD helped me learn the communication skills I needed to open up to someone and have an actual meaningful relationship with someone HPPD stopped me from doing drugs allowing me to eventually become an all-american in cross country. HPPD taught me how to enjoy life while coping with insomnia, depression, and anxiety HPPD made me the man I am today I used to blame HPPD for making my life miserable, but now I see it as an integral part of my life. Wish you guys all the best. - Josh
Hello! i write this thread for say all the possitive things i win through HPPD. I tart first with beginig: I meet HPPD in my first time with 25x NBome as the 15 years old (i ever was impulsive, just really bad set & setting) , after really bad trip i go to a hospital and after the administration of "medication" the bad trip loss anxiety but.... the visuals no left. I say before the trip with 25x Nbome i taste Salvia divinorum (very strong trip, to much respect now), coke , Benzo's and weed , but i not have any secuels for that (except the salvia , a seriously existencial doubt jeje ) really bad firsts months, with strong medication, i left that after 1 month, slowy, because i try left it fast and have a ugly abstinence syndrome (from antypsychotics and benzos) ,with a strong up from synthomps after that i tried with a long list of medication, but i left that and after it, i NOT go back to use medication, just benzos fro recreational use NOW , 1 3/4 year after left the medication, im feel good, really good, "taming" the hppd, the syntoms really back with the time, for moments was like never will progess , but the aceptation was the solution. After left the medication, i never will ahve anxiety, i really think the cause of the anxiety, is the medication, the fear to the future, u must just accept u life, like in salvia trip, i forget my self, i was think "who i am?" "whare are i am?" "what is this?" but in a moment i think "mmm.... ok, this my home now" or something like that, nothing of desesperation NOW i can smoke weed, six months ago i was know i cannot smoke weed ,the visuals are to stronger, but and i moment i think "i can with this, i can TAME this" , and in a real trip (i was in a trip for my country, travel picking up cars, i not know the traduction for that, backpag travelist? maybe) in a natural place, in 3 days, i managed to tame the weed, to tame the visuals, to tame my self, because with hppd, weed are really more psychedelic than before, The hppd was a advantage, why? because with DP/DR i was can decide what to do with my life without any conditioning, without the senses of "good or bad" "yes or not" "real or ilussion" , i was think in a neutral point, because the badtrip of 25x NBome was a real disconection of reality and a hard reset of my brain. Now i think , why live in this society? in this anti-natural place? in this not spiritual place, in this big folly? why this globalited people? product of the occidental society, in a little world, with limited posibilities, with conditionings , in a false world , fishbowl, snowbowl, i this matrix when the real world, the world with 100 milions years old, the natural world, that world which is being sacrificed to maintain modern Western society, because in 200 years of "modernity" we destroy most than the 100.000 years old of human existence, for maintein a little false world, than just exist humans and cities. Next year is time to let know the world, the real world, to travel, too feel,to learn, to discover... ...to live sorry if i use bad english, i speak spanish thanks for read Salut.