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Hello. I am McCabe Mostoller and I’m now 17. I got this shit two months before my birthday after a really wrong acid trip that fucked my life backwards. I’m here to say YOU will get better. But I’m gonna give the truth. I have lived with this for what feels like years when in reality it has only been a set of months. I’ve been in therapy the whole time and I luckily got a therapist who not only understands but is treating someone else with the same issue, who in fact, lives in the same place as me. Which yes a lot of the time distresses my brain and makes me believe I’m not living or I’m dreaming or whatever, all that dumb stupid shit. But none the less the more time goes on the more I am able to live with this condition. Now the question of does it get better, the symptoms anyway? Yes and no, for me my visual symptoms have more of switched I guess, they aren’t the same as they used to be but that doesn’t mean their worse. Even if they were because I’ve had it for so long, or what feels like an eternity to me now, I’ve learned how to somewhat come to terms with it. Some days it’s worse some days it isn’t. My advice with that is, don’t worry about the visuals or feelings going away, try to worry more about yourself learning how to live and deal with it. Because I think for all of us this is trauma. You gotta learn to deal with it like any other trauma, even if you have trauma already and you think this is much much worse. It might be. But you have no control over that part. But you are able to figure out how to respond to it. I’ve made stupid mistakes while having this condition because of being so depressed. I went back to weed multiple times, then stopped, went back, constant cycle you know. And yes it did make it worse during the time and for about a week or two after I would stop smoking marijuana. Of course that thought in my mind always wants me to go back to psychedelics, but of course I’m not gonna do that to myself, it’s like another intrusive thought. Part of me wants to but I know I won’t do it. It’s hard of course. But one interesting thing is I stayed in my house for most of the time after getting this as I have a fear of the outside, especially at night haha (I’m sure you all understand). But when I do it’s usually for work and school (I also attend a more laid back school, I only go two days a week for two hours. If you want to know how this is possible just dm me and I’ll explain what it is). I’m starting to feel the stress of the outside world seep into me again which ironically is both horrible and refreshing. Of course I don’t want both the weight of this shit and outside problems on me. But I locked myself away and isolated for so long that it feels nice to see the outside of my head every once in a while even if the stress In turn makes me symptoms worse. I like to think living with this is like living with a handicap for a video game. You always gotta try to avoid difficult situations cause anything can really set you off and spiral you into a panic attack and In turn spiral your vision too haha. I hate it. However the more you live with it again, the easier it gets to deal with this “veteran difficulty” type thing you’ve got going on. Sorry I know I’m making a lot of jokes and puns here but I haven’t been able to about this for so long and I’m trying to just be cool with it for a little bit of time before it decides to spike up again. My life is weird. I don’t understand. Like many of you, I think I’m dreaming or dead. I have this thought that I’m actually constantly dying and changing to other parallel universes. Like quantum immortality. Yeah saying it all out loud to people that aren’t my therapist and it also just being typed on a page makes me sound crazy. Idk, I’ve learned I can’t control my thoughts for a while but hopefully soon that will change. One weird thing that this condition has done to me is really screw up my actual dreams. I have a lot of waking dreams, if you know what those are, and dreams where I am in the place I fell asleep and I wake up in the dream and something happens that didn’t actually happen and then it makes me believe it really did happen, which is part of the reason I believe I’m shifting realities. Yeah there’s a lot messed with my brain. That’s why I gotta be doing therapy. But if you struggle with any of those other things that I struggle with just know you’re not alone even if it feels like it. I don’t know you. But I’m here supporting you with my thoughts. I know how hard it is. But don’t let it beat your ass for too long, you’re a strong human being, I mean you’re living with a very hard disorder. So am I. And there’s now progress for research and all this great stuff happening. People are starting to recognize this. People are starting to care. So don’t give up. Please. It does get easier. I promise. JUST DONT DO ANYMORE DRUGS UNLESS YOU KNOW THEY DONT INTERACT WITH YOUR SYMPTOMS. Trust me you don’t want to be the thing that makes it worse for yourself. It sucks. Anyway, hope you guys find your ways and abilities. I love you all and happy new year. Hope this is the one that can free us all if not get us closer to leaving this prison cell of this disease in our heads.
When I was a mere thirteen years old and 1 year into full blown HPPD, two ex drug users came and gave a lecture at school and showed a film of what can go wrong with hitting up intrevenously. It was rather graphic, showing users whose veins came stringing out of their arm and infected ulcers. It scared me terribly, though I was never a drug needle user. I had already scared myself away from drugs because of HPPD that basically ruined my life as far as I was concerned then. But the fear element was a powerful teacher too late for me. At the age of 12 in 1969, drugs, especially psychedelics were glorified in the Rock music world. Teachers, parents, law enforcement all warned us of the dangers of using LSD especially. This was when little was yet known about long term harmful effects. We were warned but encouraged through a youthful rebellious culture. Had there been the long term experiences we now know of, perhaps some of us would have heeded the warning. The warning label should read, if you take this drug there is a real chance you will stay high for the rest of your life! And so...I would like to see such a warning for the younger generation now. When I go back in time and think of my responses back then when I was warned, I thought that there is always a remedy, always a fix. But this is not always true. This is the reality warning that folks need to hear before they consider using psychedelics. It seems that these mind altering drugs open pathways that may never close again. It is like a lost innocence. I think the most important thing I can do is to warn others not to take drugs, especially psychedelics. Can you recover with strict diet and lifestyle? Perhaps so, after time and much effort. But perhaps not. All this being said, I think it would be very worthy to find ways to warn others. Perhaps to go into schools or even make ads online via social media. Were we tricked by the offer of cheap thrills so drug pushers could make money? Were we encouraged by musicians who made us feel we belonged to something new happening? There are many very serious questions. Why we follow harmful trends. Why we gample our one and only life for a few hours of pleasure. I don't think I can answer without taking serious responsibility. Back in the day I introduced others to drugs too. I'm sorry. It was foolish. Many in my high school have suffered terrible fates due to drug use, including suicide. If you are using psychedelics...., I would like to scare you with reality. There is a huge risk and some of us were so very young to take such stupid risks! I'm wanting to speak out and speak plainly. Maybe some young soul will be forewarned enough to never experiment. Experiment? Our youth became the world's guinea pigs? Love and peace to all. Any ideas in how to warn our youth?