mccabers.babers

Cab Psychotic - Flashback (Prod. DOOBIEMANE) Hello, to start my post I want to give my story about my hppd just a little bit. I am 19 years old and have had my HPPD for 2 and a half years now. I got it when I was 16 and frequently abusing psychedelics like LSD, Shrooms, and salvia way too much, especially for that age. I tripped about 25 times in the span of 5 months and after the first few times, it stopped being normal doses. I would always smoke way too much weed on top of taking the psychedelic which would propel my visuals and state of mind so far that it’s a wonder how I didn’t acquire hppd sooner than I did. I had acquired it two different times that year though actually. First, after I took a tab with over 250-300 mg of weed edibles, and almost a month after that when I just took one tab and for some reason everything exploded in my brain there. There’s a lot more but that’s the just of how I got my hppd. It was extremely difficult for me, especially through the first year but I have been getting better and learning ways to cope and deal with it for a long time now and I’m happy to say I’m a lot better. But sometimes, randomly, it will just get worse and spiral out of control and make me think I’m gonna be back in the time when I first got it, going to bed with geometric shapes and breathing everywhere. These days my VS, trails, afterimages, light auras, starbursts, and them being generally way too bright are my main problems. If I had to go back to the worst of it I feel I would sometimes rather not be here at all. It’s one of my biggest fears all the time but I’m learning to try and be ok that I’m here in a new place now and I’m a lot better than before. Now I have taken psychedelics again since that time, which I know on this forum is a very controversial thing so I won’t advise that anyone follow in those footsteps but just know it didn’t do much to me at all. The reason I chose to try at first was because I had read somewhere that there was a chance, like 50/50, that my visuals would either get a million times worse or they would just go away. I was at a very low point because it was the year anniversary of the day I got my hppd and so I decided to try it. In the end, neither really happened, I received some clarity from the experience and my visuals were a tiny bit worse for a week or so and then I was pretty much good. Again I would not recommend this as shown here in this forum, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT and you may not be so lucky with that experience. It’s extremely dangerous to do to yourself and not worth it if it spirals you back to your worst states. Anyway, I as an artist and musician struggling with HPPD have made a lot, if not most of my music, about living with and dealing with this condition. This song is a hip hop song about having a flashback and being put into the state of mind that you never thought you would be in again, especially out of nowhere. I usually make hip hop and rap as I believe it fits my writing style a lot and it’s genuinely just very fun to make, but I also make a lot of rock, rnb, and pop stuff too. A little metal in there sometimes as well. I try to make music completely different than how music is made today, especially rap, I do have my fair share of fun songs about money and stuff like that, but the majority of my music is deep dives into dealing with mental health, physical health, and living life with a condition that impedes it everyday. A piece of advice I want to offer anyone here, a lot of you might already know; stress. Stress is and anxiety is one of the biggest triggers and offsets for our condition and in times of crisis and fear i often forget that managing that stress will also help with my visuals. On top of the fact that the visuals themselves stress me the fuck out too, it’s really hard to live our every day lives with this shit, something none of us truly knew was coming or why it had to happen to us. When I first got it I was so alone. Isolated from everything by this horrible thing. Irritable everyday to everyone around me. The first time I ever met someone else with the condition was ironically someone else who was seeing my therapist (didn’t make me feel too good though as I suffer from extreme dp/dr and it set me off and made me wonder how that is even possible). When I met him, it changed my life, I started to feel a lot better and less alone just because I had met someone like me. I never thought I would in person. And then something weird started, everyone around me still did drugs and psychedelics. My friends, they started to get it too, my girlfriend of 3 years got it, not just from psychedelic use but from combining Xanax and weed. I started seeing more people across the internet have it. This condition is becoming more and more common by the minute because of this new psychedelic renaissance that we have kind of entered. It’s an odd thing to see but maybe it’ll push research farther and soon we could see something that could help us. Ok I’m done with the entire essay now, I just felt like sharing my story and thought putting my art here felt right. This community and forum has done a lot for me, I’m very thankful for all of you. I wish you all a good day with less visuals and a better mental state. Stay safe everyone.

Hello. I am McCabe Mostoller and I’m now 17. I got this shit two months before my birthday after a really wrong acid trip that fucked my life backwards. I’m here to say YOU will get better. But I’m gonna give the truth. I have lived with this for what feels like years when in reality it has only been a set of months. I’ve been in therapy the whole time and I luckily got a therapist who not only understands but is treating someone else with the same issue, who in fact, lives in the same place as me. Which yes a lot of the time distresses my brain and makes me believe I’m not living or I’m dreaming or whatever, all that dumb stupid shit. But none the less the more time goes on the more I am able to live with this condition. Now the question of does it get better, the symptoms anyway? Yes and no, for me my visual symptoms have more of switched I guess, they aren’t the same as they used to be but that doesn’t mean their worse. Even if they were because I’ve had it for so long, or what feels like an eternity to me now, I’ve learned how to somewhat come to terms with it. Some days it’s worse some days it isn’t. My advice with that is, don’t worry about the visuals or feelings going away, try to worry more about yourself learning how to live and deal with it. Because I think for all of us this is trauma. You gotta learn to deal with it like any other trauma, even if you have trauma already and you think this is much much worse. It might be. But you have no control over that part. But you are able to figure out how to respond to it. I’ve made stupid mistakes while having this condition because of being so depressed. I went back to weed multiple times, then stopped, went back, constant cycle you know. And yes it did make it worse during the time and for about a week or two after I would stop smoking marijuana. Of course that thought in my mind always wants me to go back to psychedelics, but of course I’m not gonna do that to myself, it’s like another intrusive thought. Part of me wants to but I know I won’t do it. It’s hard of course. But one interesting thing is I stayed in my house for most of the time after getting this as I have a fear of the outside, especially at night haha (I’m sure you all understand). But when I do it’s usually for work and school (I also attend a more laid back school, I only go two days a week for two hours. If you want to know how this is possible just dm me and I’ll explain what it is). I’m starting to feel the stress of the outside world seep into me again which ironically is both horrible and refreshing. Of course I don’t want both the weight of this shit and outside problems on me. But I locked myself away and isolated for so long that it feels nice to see the outside of my head every once in a while even if the stress In turn makes me symptoms worse. I like to think living with this is like living with a handicap for a video game. You always gotta try to avoid difficult situations cause anything can really set you off and spiral you into a panic attack and In turn spiral your vision too haha. I hate it. However the more you live with it again, the easier it gets to deal with this “veteran difficulty” type thing you’ve got going on. Sorry I know I’m making a lot of jokes and puns here but I haven’t been able to about this for so long and I’m trying to just be cool with it for a little bit of time before it decides to spike up again. My life is weird. I don’t understand. Like many of you, I think I’m dreaming or dead. I have this thought that I’m actually constantly dying and changing to other parallel universes. Like quantum immortality. Yeah saying it all out loud to people that aren’t my therapist and it also just being typed on a page makes me sound crazy. Idk, I’ve learned I can’t control my thoughts for a while but hopefully soon that will change. One weird thing that this condition has done to me is really screw up my actual dreams. I have a lot of waking dreams, if you know what those are, and dreams where I am in the place I fell asleep and I wake up in the dream and something happens that didn’t actually happen and then it makes me believe it really did happen, which is part of the reason I believe I’m shifting realities. Yeah there’s a lot messed with my brain. That’s why I gotta be doing therapy. But if you struggle with any of those other things that I struggle with just know you’re not alone even if it feels like it. I don’t know you. But I’m here supporting you with my thoughts. I know how hard it is. But don’t let it beat your ass for too long, you’re a strong human being, I mean you’re living with a very hard disorder. So am I. And there’s now progress for research and all this great stuff happening. People are starting to recognize this. People are starting to care. So don’t give up. Please. It does get easier. I promise. JUST DONT DO ANYMORE DRUGS UNLESS YOU KNOW THEY DONT INTERACT WITH YOUR SYMPTOMS. Trust me you don’t want to be the thing that makes it worse for yourself. It sucks. Anyway, hope you guys find your ways and abilities. I love you all and happy new year. Hope this is the one that can free us all if not get us closer to leaving this prison cell of this disease in our heads.

Need clarity. Does anyone else get the symptoms of getting closed eye visuals with your HPPD. Whenever I close my eyes to try and sleep or anything I see many colors in the form of shapes and everything like that. I can also sometimes see visual snow with my eyes closed and when I have a flashback it sends me completely into a fractal trip in my head and I’ve been so convinced that I’m dreaming. It’s a horrible experience and I just need some clarity that other people might be experiencing the same symptoms as me or is mine just really severe?

Hi, I wanted to post this to ask if anyone else had been experiencing the visual snow screw with your vision after reading. After reading something that involves more than one sentence, I can see the spaces between the lines of the words in my vision. Just reaching out to ask if anyone else has this issue?

Hello. I’ll start with saying that I am 16 years old. A lot of people would say that obviously vary young to be doing as much psychedelics as I did and I completely agree now haha. My experience with what HPPD has done to me is possibly the worst possible thing I can think of to occur from drugs other than death itself or maybe psychosis. It started out as a very small type of HPPD for a while but with the constant use of psychedelic drugs over the course of 6 months I have learned that lsd is most definitely the biggest cause of HPPD in my personal subjective mind. Mushrooms rarely if not never bumped up the symptoms for me. Also an interesting thing I’ve thought of is the time of day you take it. It seems a little out there but I think taking it at night and staying up through the night on it can most likely make it more extreme if not be the biggest cause. My logic to this is to do with sleep as sleep is the main key to getting rid of HPPD I believe, I’ve done everything I can to research the hell out of it because of how must stress and anxiety it has caused me. Also obviously taking more than a normal dose of lsd is going to make it more intense for you. When I first started the worst of the HPPD I saw what I believe to be everything you can see on lsd. I still don’t know how this happened as I’m smart and do have a test kit and have tested the tabs I have and they came back to be lsd. I took one tab of 150 ug but all the sudden on the come down everything changed and it turned into what I could equate to being around 10 or more of those tabs taken. I still don’t have any idea how it happened and it still boggles, this happened only days ago. There’s a lot more I can say but I want to say this first as talking about it for a long period of time kinda stresses me out so I’ll need a bit to think more and come back but i hope this reply helps serve some help for you. And please, if you learn any information that could help me in any way I urge you to reply.