Ramble about my experience with minor hppd so far

[sapphicc]

My name is Julia and I am a 19 year old college student with minor HPPD. Throughout high school I had a very negative view of all drugs (I was mainly only aware of weed and alc) so I was completely sober my entire life, but this quickly changed in college. My new roommate happened to be a pretty big stoner, and she would leave from our dorm multiple times a day to smoke weed. She also helped introduce me to other drugs like alcohol, shrooms, and most notably, LSD. We were both struggling pretty hard with mental illness (major depression caused by anxiety for me), and things really took a turn going into the winter months of the school year. While I was never partial to alcohol, I quickly discovered how much I loved weed and shrooms. I began to go with my roommate to her car every night, and I began smoking multiple times a day. I also tripped on shrooms as frequently as I realistically could (every 1.5-2 weeks), but I never took a dose above 1.5 grams. On top of this, my sleep schedule had become utterly FUCKED and I was 100% nocturnal. I was going to sleep at 8-9am and waking up at 5-6pm, skipping class, eating like shit, quitting my extracurriculars like rugby, and overall ruining my life. This continued and worsened until April, and I can confidently say that these were the worst months of my life to date. In these months, however, I tried LSD with my roommate for the first time. Our dealer had tabs that were supposedly 200ug, and I took a tab at around 9pm on April 4th, 2023. My roommate and I then proceeded to sit on the bathroom floor of our (suite style) dorm and talk nonstop for 6 hours. Time became fake. We even went to the bathroom IN THE BATHROOM and didn't leave after that. Our suitemate went to bed and woke up and we were still in the bathroom. After this, we decided to venture to her car to smoke, but we got distracted and ended up talking in her car for another 4 hours. In hindsight I am very glad I didn't smoke while tripping but I will get back to that soon.

Anyway, my first acid trip totally and completely reset my sleep schedule. I had tried everything in order to fix it before to no avail. Entering the end of the spring semester I was able to actually start going to class and I managed to get my GPA up and save my scholarships. It was around this time that I got access to my own stash of weed and a joint roller and I was smoking more than I ever had. Before the school year ended, my roommate and I decided to take one last LSD trip as a last hurrah, and this is the trip that gave me HPPD. I took one and a half tabs of the same LSD I tripped on before, and I also felt the effects for around 15 hours. My trips were honestly very fun and I don't regret them, but my vision was never the same after this trip (may 9th 2023). I don't think I noticed at first or recognized any sort of problem, but I began to notice I saw tracers when I was high. I first remember realizing it when the bright screen of my vaporizer left a trail when I quickly moved it across my vision, but I actually thought this was cool instead of concerning because I am very fond of tracers while tripping. I only became aware of HPPD in the first place when I stumbled across that John's Hopkins survey posted to a random subreddit I was in. I was curious and clicked on it, and I realized that they were describing what I was experiencing.

Now that I was thoroughly hyperaware of it, my anxiety kicked in. This all culminated in one night where I was smoking a bong at my girlfriends house late at night. I had gotten pretty damn high, and I sometimes get a little paranoid when I am high. In this moment I was dealing with VERY apparent tracers, major anxiety about them, AND I was tired, and I was freaked the fuck out. I drew the line when I thought I started seeing tracers when people were waving their hands in a youtube video I was watching that night, so I just went to bed. This was the night that I think permanently changed my hppd (early june 2023). I now have slight visual snow that is always there but way more apparent in dark settings/on darker colors/ on solid color surfaces. I see afterimages of really bright things in my vision that stick around for a good 10 seconds, but I also see afterimages of objects that simply contrast with their environment that fade after around 3 seconds. For example, if I look at this text I'm typing right now for a few seconds and then look away, I can still see the lines of text across my vision for a few seconds. This happens with every day contrasting objects like a rug on a bathroom floor or the lines on an AC vent, etc. It also happens with the fairy lights hung on my ceiling when I am tired, and they leave trails whenever I shift my eyes. I still see tracers but only with things that are very bright and moving quickly (phone screen against dark room, car taillights at night) and they are WAY MORE APPARENT at night/when I am tired. All of my symptoms worsen greatly when I am tired. I think my tracers have gotten better while my afterimages have gotten a little worse, but I also know it is pretty dumb to pay attention to small details like that every day. I am aware that all of this is pretty common with HPPD, and quitting weed/psychs has greatly reduced my anxiety about this because I know it is just a waiting game. I love weed but I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to it, even 5-10 years down the line.

My HPPD pretty much does not bother me day to day as I'm living my life, and I know I'm very lucky for this. I'm grateful to everyone that has shared their stories because it encouraged me to quit weed, and I'm also greatful to everyone out there doing research on this. In a way, it forced me to live a healthier life by going almost completely sober, and I have also been eating/ sleeping well. My life is definitely improving greatly, and having a good headspace about HPPD is very important to me. It is also worth noting I have been on 10mg of lexapro for my anxiety that almost ruined me and I don't think it has had any negative affects on my HPPD. I have recently started drinking again after quitting due to a bad trip on shrooms a few months ago, and I don't think alcohol has had any affects besides being a bit worse while hungover but I have heard that that's normal for the most part. While my HPPD hasn't gotten better persay, I don't think it'll drastically worsen like it did when I got too high that one night. I very strongly believe that sleep is very tied to HPPD in some way, and I am very glad my first LSD trip reset my schedule and helped me get my life back on track. I know for a fact that I would be in a way worse place to be dealing with this if I hadn't gotten my life back together. I'd never encourage anyone to take hallucinogens, and I have been spreading the truth about HPPD to all that will listen. I have told all my friends about HPPD and I think it's scary how so many young people take psychedelics (including weed) without knowing about it, so I am going to continue to spread the word. I know it's bad to be hyperaware of it, (my therapist knows about it and I am planning on telling my psychiatrist (I don't want to be diagnosed)) but I am going to probably update this post maybe once a year for the sake of logging my progress/ helping other people understand this condition more. Anyway, this was just kind of a long ramble, but feel free to reach out and I'll totally be willing to talk more about my experience. (6/27/23)

[Gasmonkey]

Hey, thanks for your story! As far as your confusion when whether to start weed again in the future here's what I have experienced. It took me around 1.5 to 2 years to feel very normal again. Mental clarity and cognitive function was fine. I was also able to consume alcohol and nicotine completely normally with. When my hppd was the worst i didn't even want to touch alcohol because of how much it made my visuals worse and jus made me mentally so damn foggy and anxious. Once I was basically cured, apart from minor visuals and occasional minor episodes of brain fog and anxiety, I was so damn happy. I finally felt normal again. It was great. This lasted for around 8 months. All of this excitment caused me to wonder if I could try weed again. I hadn't touched it for a long time. It had been 2.5 years with my hppd. So I took 2-3 puffs of a joint. The high was ok. Got paranoid and visuals did increase. But the consequences were a lot. It has been about 6 months and I am still recovering from those 3 hits of weed. It caused me to avoid caffeine and acohol. acohol would seriously screw me up. It was weird because a week  before the weed I was totally fine and enjoyed drinking. It made visuals increase and axietey is still very intense. mental clarity totally sucks right now. Basically, I would strongly advise staying away from weed. Recovery is great but don't let it trick you into thinking that your brain can handle drugs again. This is just my opinion and experience. 

[sapphicc]

9 minutes ago, Gasmonkey said:

Hey, thanks for your story! As far as your confusion when whether to start weed again in the future here's what I have experienced. It took me around 1.5 to 2 years to feel very normal again. Mental clarity and cognitive function was fine. I was also able to consume alcohol and nicotine completely normally with. When my hppd was the worst i didn't even want to touch alcohol because of how much it made my visuals worse and jus made me mentally so damn foggy and anxious. Once I was basically cured, apart from minor visuals and occasional minor episodes of brain fog and anxiety, I was so damn happy. I finally felt normal again. It was great. This lasted for around 8 months. All of this excitment caused me to wonder if I could try weed again. I hadn't touched it for a long time. It had been 2.5 years with my hppd. So I took 2-3 puffs of a joint. The high was ok. Got paranoid and visuals did increase. But the consequences were a lot. It has been about 6 months and I am still recovering from those 3 hits of weed. It caused me to avoid caffeine and acohol. acohol would seriously screw me up. It was weird because a week  before the weed I was totally fine and enjoyed drinking. It made visuals increase and axietey is still very intense. mental clarity totally sucks right now. Basically, I would strongly advise staying away from weed. Recovery is great but don't let it trick you into thinking that your brain can handle drugs again. This is just my opinion and experience. 

If I ever tried weed again it would definitely be at least 5-10 years down the line, but I am so afraid of resetting my progress that I probably will never touch it again. Weed definitely made my symptoms WAY WORSE so I know it would be a huge gamble, and frankly it's not worth it. It sucks how much money I spent on it and a lot of my friends are regular smokers but whenever I want to smoke all I need to do is look around, see visuals, and remember why I quit. I also avoid caffeine but I've never liked it anyway. Thank you for sharing your experience and I 100% agree that weed is one of the worst things for people with HPPD.

[Jay1]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you are doing everything right already, so hopefully you start to see some improvements over time. Please keep us up to date on your journey. 

[brake]

Hey welcome, interesting story. I can't drink coffee or smoke weed anymore and it's been over 10 years. I can't do any drugs anymore besides certain pharmaceuticals. My visuals bother me everyday. I surprisingly can tolerate MDMA but I only did it twice since HPPD and visual snow onset. I can also tolerate alcohol and cigars/hookah but not cigarettes.

[sapphicc]

UPDATE 1: 8/15/23

 

Symptoms update:

Visual snow: Pretty much worse in all regards. I see it pretty much everywhere at all times. Sometimes when I look out the window when it's cloudy I can't tell if it's drizzling/raining or if it's just the static over my vision. It seems to be really affected by really low light settings and really high light settings. For example, looking at bright concrete makes my vision go a little crazy, and I see exactly what this reddit user is describing over my vision in really bright settings. I'm used to the visual snow by now and it doesn't really bug me too much. Also, looking at a bright sky is also crazy, and I see little white whisps that almost look like sparks everywhere.

Tracers: Only really apparent when I'm tired, JUST have woken up, or zoned out. My phone screen in a dark room is still insane lol

Afterimages: The same- only bugged by really bright lights or things that contrast (text, especially more apparent with dark things against a bright environment).

Floaters: This one is new- I've never noticed floaters before in my vision, but I have been noticing them recently especially in really bright settings (sunny beach).

Drugs: I haven't touched weed since That Fateful Night, ofc no psychedelics, but I've been drinking alcohol and it doesn't seem to affect my symptoms in any way

Medication: I have been on 10mg of Lexapro daily for a few months now. If I had to point to anything that was making my symptoms worse it would be this, although I really don't know.

Habits: VERY GOOD sleep schedule rn (important)

 

Anyway, I said on my original post that I would just be updating whenever things change/ on a semiregular basis to keep tabs/share info 

 

[Sheyrangely]

HPPD can be a tricky condition to deal with, but it's great that you've found ways to manage it. Quitting weed and psychedelics was a wise choice, and it's true, sleep often plays a big role in how these symptoms manifest. Keeping a positive headspace about HPPD is key, and it's commendable how you're spreading awareness among your friends.
And hey, if you ever feel the need for a different kind of high, you might want to check out some [deleted]. They offer a variety of smoking accessories that could potentially provide a less intense experience than psychedelics or weed. It's always good to explore different options.

[SomebodySomewhere]

@Sheyrangely You're seriously promoting bongs to someone that has hppd made worse by thc? Come on.

@sapphicc You're handling it well, dont mess up by using weed. The Lexapro could be causing worse symptoms. If you feel you need to, try reducing the dose and see if it helps.