Hello my name is Lucca. I was born and raised in South Africa, Cape Town and have lived here for most of my life. I am a Male at 26 years of age (1994). I trained and studied to be a Chef and graduated from College in the year 2013. I had been working as a Chef in the industry in various countries since then (South Africa, Spain & France). For the past year I have been running my own business fixing Surfboards. Its a small business only consisting of myself but I am able to pay the bills with the income I make from it. I can also say that my work makes me happy and I am satisfied with my results so far, considering the circumstances, especially here in South Africa where I am currently living.
I developed Hppd & DR/DP when I was in Grade 8. I was about 13 years of age at the time. It had been onset from the use of Cannabis. I did not know what was happening to me at the time. All I knew was that the Weed that I had smoked had caused it. I went on trying not to think about everything that was suddenly happening to me. The difficulty I was experiencing in my academics due to constant visual illusions, derealization (felt like I was seeing the world from 3rd person view which affected my spacial awareness which in turn affected my ability in Sports tremendously), complete inability to concentrate (I have Adhd. That became much worse after onset of Hppd & DR/DP) and the increased general anxiety was all a very terrifying experience at the time. I was too afraid to tell anyone about what I was going through and when I did try come out to tell my friends or family they all just thought I was either lying or overreacting/dramatizing. So I immediately learnt at that tender young age that this was not something I could get help for from anyone I knew and that I just shouldn't speak about it. I believed for a long time that I was the only person in the world who had this very unique condition. So I kept it in as my little secret for many years before finally one day meeting someone else who also had Hppd and who had been to specialists in the field who knew about the condition and who was able to give me very usual advice and understanding of the condition I had now come to better understand.
So eventually I came to terms with everything and decided that I was just going to accept things for what they are and try move forward with my life. I tried to be as normal as possible, in my friends group at the time, which meant I would have to smoke more Weed. Which I did.. Allot more. I remember putting myself deeper and deeper into that psychedelic hole of derealization. I remember sometimes I would smoke Weed and have the best high. And 9/10 times I would smoke and have panic attacks, paranoia, fear, intense hallucinations and anxiety beyond comprehension. This went on for years where I would go for periods without smoking, seen slight recovery, then just relapse and binge smoke back into that psychedelic hole that I seemed to want to put myself in so bad. Eventually when I was 15. Mushrooms and Acid became a thing among me and my friends group. I remember my nickname at High School. It was "Shrooms" which eventually turned into "Grampa". The latter has actually stuck with some of my older friends. But then, unfortunately Shrooms and Acid had become my new "Weed". I would drop Weekly and trip on Shrooms every 2nd-3rd day. Allot of these trips were with different friend groups but I found that allot of my psychedelic experiences regarding Acid n Shrooms to have been Solo trips. Usually just me and my Dog, Max, up in the Sand Dunes just above my parents house where I grew up. I swear there was something about those Dunes that were just so surreal and that made those Trips just a little "more" than any other place that I had "adventured" in at the time. Less to say that those years of my life brought on unimaginable levels of Hppd. Eventually after failing 3 grades and being expelled out of 3 different schools I quit all drugs. Im not sure how I did it but I finally got my education and graduated from Chefs Academy. Still battling with a constant harrowing of Hppd visuals and experiences that just did not seem to diminish over time. Years later I had noticed a substantial recovery in my Hppd Visuals since absence from all Psychedelics (including the use of Cannabis). I believe I had almost made a full recovery from my Hppd where only times of fatigue, illness or use of Alcohol would I get symptoms that were noticeable enough to cause some disturbance to me.
I started Wellbutrin recently to help with some depression that I have been dealing with due to a relationship with a Girl ending (3.5 years). The Wellbutrin helped with the depression almost immediately but brought on extreme anxiety and panic attacks with it. Generally made things very speedy with the high anxiety/panic you would experience from smoking a really big Bowl in an uncomfortable environment. After 10 days I could not carry on anymore. I have recovered from my depression, on the most part and I am functioning normally with business good as per usual. But now what has returned is my Hppd, in full force. Visual Snow, Tracers, Optical illusions and vivid color changes have all returned. It has definitely been a couple of years since I have experienced Hppd like this. It's honestly a bit refreshing. Kinda like visiting a place you haven't been in for many years. Or seeing an old friend after a long time. I definitely wouldn't call it a pleasant feeling as those examples I just gave could possibly be but I would definitely not compare it to the negative feelings that went with the initial onset of the Hppd my first time around. I feel allot more prepared for this, this time. I don't feel the anxiety from the visuals like how I used to all those years ago when symptoms were closely similar. And whats more is that I feel comfortable talking about it this time around. In fact I am here writing this post to share what little experience or advice I can to anyone who may benefit or find comfort from it. If even only just a little.
So what little advice I can give to those of you just finding out that you have Hppd is to just breathe and try focus on the positive, regardless of whatever small positive you can find. Everything can be quite intense in the beginning and it will seem as if it will never improve or go away. Just have patience. In time you will learn to accept everything for what it is and be able to carry on with your day as normal as possible. In time you will notice it less and have it interfere with you less as you get more accustomed to the constant stimuli. I found with myself that once I finally accepted things for as they were and completely stopped all aggravators of Hppd (Psychedlics etc). That my symptoms did improve in time. So much so that I could say I had almost made a full recovery of all my Hppd symptoms in a period of about 5/6 Years from the last time I used any narcotic (other than alcohol. Alcohol definitely makes hppd symptoms seem worse for the day drinking and the days recovering from the hangover, for me at least). So there is hope, even though it might seem as if there is none. So just remember you are not alone and there are other people in this world who have experienced and who are currently going through a similar journey as yourself. For those of you who are looking to treat yourself for depression with Wellbutrin. I would suggest proceeding with caution as it increasingly worsened and completely stirred up my mostly recovered Hppd from within the first 2 hours after taking my first dose. On that note I would like to ask if anyone has had a similar experience with Wellbutrin worsening their Hppd symptoms? I would like to know how many doses of Wellbutrin did they take before ceasing administration and how many days, weeks, months, years have they been recovering from the increased symptoms of Hppd due to their Wellbutrin intake?.
F.Y.I I am on day 2 since my last dose, after dosing for 10 consecutive days at 150ml XL. Symptoms are the worst that they have been in years. I am remembering now how uncomfortable Hppd can be again but I am trying not to let it get to me. Rather just being fascinated by it all and attempting to proceed through my day as "usual" as possible.
I apologize for my poor grammar and word order. I hope this piece above can be easily enough understood and I hope it can bring some sense of hope or strength to someone battling with their Hppd. Just remember you're not alone in this world with this. That has been something that has given me strength.
I think my condition is caused by usually mixing differant drugs like 2cb, lsd, shrooms, 25I nbome, noids, mdma, amphetamines, ketamine etc. mostly with weed.
I have been more or less ok with my symptomes but since i started using ritalin a bit more than a week ago 10mg twice daily it got worse, should i keep using it or will it keep getting worse.
I have also recently tried Sertralin, seroquel, diazepam and mirtazapin. Everything seems to make it worse exept diazepam.
Any ideas for treatment other than these drugs?
Which drug(s) helped you the most with symptomes of hppd?
(Sorry for bad english)
By Marco S
I’d like to share more about my HPPD experiences. As I told you in my previous post, my name is Marco, I’m Mexican and I’ve got HPPD for more than four months now. This forum has been way far the best source of information, inspiration, awareness and counseling with the condition I’ve found during this period. My psychologist insists it is an addiction issue, and my friends despite being friendly and supportive with me, they cannot fully understand what I am going through.
So I hope some of my reflections and ideas help others just as reading about your own stories guys helped me a lot when I was first disorientated and felt lost at the beginning of this journey. First I’d like to tell you I’ve always been interested on politics, society, abstract ideas and concepts, culture and subjects related. HPPD seemed to take that away from me for a while. In the last two weeks I’ve been able to start reading again the topics I do enjoy, and to really feel interested about them, something I did not feel able to do for more than 120 days.
I am studying an International Relations bachelor in one of the most prestigious programs in Mexico. My dream is to work either as a diplomat for the Mexican government or to join the United Nations and contribute in some of its programs and institutions, such as the World Food Program, UNICEF or Human Rights. My goal is to mark a difference on people’s lives and improve the quality of life on developing countries, weak democracies and humanitarian crisis.
The first two months of HDDP I was not interested at all one those issues anymore. I was struggling not only with my physical pain but with a pretty strong brain fog that did not allowed me to think clearly on the topics addressed by my teachers and university. Academic tasks felt difficult to be done and not worth it. I also lost passion on some of my other hobbies: running, playing sports, hanging out with my friends and discussing about any subject with them.
I am also a huge soccer fan, so I lost all my team’s season -luckily they made it to the Play offs and now they are playing next week in my hometown- and I did not watch a single match. It was a slow and sometimes desperate process not to feel any interest about stuff anymore. I once read one book -the two Popes- and although an interesting reading- I did not think like I fully enjoyed it.
All of this happened to me meanwhile traveling across Mexico. So I saw many spectacular places and met the most interesting people. But again, I kind of felt I was being fake with my environment, instead of truly showing how I felt. Maybe a month ago I started watching a lot of films on Netflix, and that really helped. It was a relief for me to notice I was becoming capable again to follow and fully understand a story, but the most important fact for me was the feeling of actually having fun.
Then I decided going for a run maybe 3-4 times a week, and that also helped a lot. I guess it is the hormones the brain segregate when I work out, a similar reaction when eating something you like or having sex. I mean, I am not a physician or a health expert but that’s the basic knowledge I have about how the brain works. After movies it tryed small readings. Looking for articles on the newspapers and media outlets I like -The New York Times, El País, The Guardian, Washington Post and CNN- and addressing the international issues I am more into: the Venezuelan crisis, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and so on.
Last week for example, I engaged reading an article about the Cuban exiled community in Miami, and it was something that kept me like an hour totally immersed on it, sometimes forgetting about my HPPD. I also discovered some other hobbies, like cooking. Something that I am frankly good at and that I never tried before. Now I intend to cook dinner at least twice a week. It’s something fun and motivating.
I’m glad my mental clarity is showing from time to time. Now I do experience more “lucid” moments that before and without knowing the exact reason I guess it could be due the way I’ve tried to put my mind to work. Also sleeping has been important, and even tough my nutrition is not the greatest -I’ve actually gained some weight in the last month- I am not drinking anymore, neither smoking or drinking coffee.
In general I believe my physical aspect reflects my improvement. I just had a haircut two days ago. I think I look sharper, and generally my presence and even the way I speak feels better. Also the interaction I’m having with my friends in social media and even the dating and flirting I’ve been into the last couple of weeks feels right. I do not feel a 100% well, not even close, but I guess I’ve noticed being in a good mood definitely helps. Of course I also have my bad days, on which I don’t even want to get up from bed. I guess there are cycles and momentums, so I’m just trying to live the good ones, and make them more frequent.
I’m soon coming back home. I don’t know how the interaction with my parents and brother is going to be like. I feel excited about the opportunities I have in my hometown, about hanging with my closest friends again, and generally about the positive aspects of being home: more money, free time, my own space, a car, and the list goes on. I’ll keep you updated about my process and the way I’m facing it. I may see a doctor next week, I just talked with my parents and they decided it’s the best option by now.
Please tell me more about you guys and the tips, recommendations, tricks and everything that could be helpful for me please. Also if you want to discuss any specific topic feel free to comment or to send me a message. Thanks a lot for reading, hope you have an amazing day and keep fighting. You are not alone and we are all on this together.
Sincerely, Marco S
By Marco S
My name is Marco, I am a 21 year old student living in Mexico. I'd like to tell you my story, my toughts towards HPPD and the lessons I've learnt from this experience.
I developed HPPD on January 2021. I was throught a bad emotional moment, due to the pandemic and a broken relationship. Since august 2020 I had decided to try LSD so I did it with a couple of friends. I did it twice, both times in parties and drinking alcohol. having as a result pretty mild experiences. I've never really been into drugs: I'd tried weed before, a couple of times, also in social situations, but I was never a regular consumer. Then on October me and one of my best friends had mushrooms, which were actually very strong. I did not enjoy it at all, but nothing bad happened after that time.
Then, at the beginning of this year, I bought acid and made the decision to have an LSD trip for the first time without alcohol or any other distraction. In fact I don't know if it was LSD or something else -based on the research I've been into these recent months it could've been N-BOME.- and had a horryfing bad trip, with lots of negativity and hopeless thoughts. The upcoming day everything changed. I almost had no sleep after the trip, as I was heading home from a holiday, and all the hallucination symptons remained more that two days. I almost had a panich attack and I had to tell my parents the situation as I thought I really needed to see a doctor or go to the hospital. Fortunately I was able to calm down and had some sleep after 36 hours.
Since then I'm on this journey. I talked with some of my friends about my syptoms but everyone told me the same: they were normal, LSD may have some flashbacks and that it was nothing I should worry about. But the weeks passed and I was not feeling any better, but the opposite. Since my university classes are online now due the pandemic, I got a job on a hostal near the beach in Mexico. My plan was to travel the country as the school allowed me to take the remote classes wherever I was. My departure was scheduled one week after the LSD trip, so I almost decided to cancel it and to stay home. But finally I decided to travel anyway and here's wher I am right now.
I must say some of my symptoms have improved a little since this started. But some have worsen at moments. Generaly I feel better than two months ago. February and March were definitely the worst period for me. I barely could not concentrate on my classes and tasks. I was drinking a lot, so I felt bad all day long. I had terrible headaches and pain in the eyes. My visuals were strong and the braing fog affected the way I talked and some of my daily activities. I decided to implement some changes on my lifestylle and they have helped me to feel better. I quited coffee and alcohol, and of course any kind of drugs. I have as much sleep as I can and I am trying also to eat healthier and to drink lots of water. It was hard for me to work out at the beginning but now I attempt to take a run three or four days a week.
Anyway I don't feel capable to do some of the stuff I enjoyed the most before this started. I used to read a lot and now it is hard for me to concentrate, and it is painful actually to read. I used to play chess, to participate in forums. I wrote for a newspaper and had a radio show. I am aware that some of this activities are hard for me now because I've lost some confidence on myself. And also anxiety makes it way worse. I've realized that when I've been capable to lower my anxiety everything feels so much better.
Traveling has been fun, but I haven't feel able to enjoy it a hundred percent. Now I am coming back home so I will experience again how it feels to have a routine and be more calmed as I won't have to work anymore and I'll have some time to rest, eat healthier and work out. I am not closed to the idea of seeing a doctor, but honestly with everything I've read about the condition I am not hopeful either. HPPD has taught me a lot about patience. I don't know if I'm ever gonna fully recover from this, but the only way I'll find out is with time. Taking one step at a time and working everday for my wellness and health.
My hope is far to be over. I am a resiliant person and I've faced pretty hard challenges during my life. I try to see HPPD as another challenge life had for me. Of course it makes life so much harder, but also it feels right to notice I've been four months now with this, and yet I've managed to keep studiyng an International Relations bachelor in one of he most demanding universities in my country, to work in some of the most beautiful and touristic places in the world, made dozens of great friends from all over the world, worked as a High School english teacher, and discovered amazing spots with amazing people, enjoying the craziest adventures.
Of course it hurts, of course it's hard, unconfortable, demanding, painful and discouraging. But I am not letting HPPD ruin my plans, goals, objectives and dreams. I'll force myself to be a more empathetic, healthy, honest and transparent human being. And also to help others and understand other people's problems. I really have to thank everyone on this forum. It has helped me a lot to understand more about this condition, the way I can live with this, and a source of inspiration and aid in some of my lowest moments.
Greetings to everyone, if you have some recommendations, tips, or you just want to have a conversation feel free to send me a message, I'd love to meet you all.
I smoked first time 0.2 No effect, no withdrawal.
I smoked week later 0.2 acid Panic attack, little trip, lasted 15mins. Withdrawal, irritable 3days.
Smoked month later 1.0 (Strong unknown, not wet(i think non acid) high fun
Next day 1.0 high fun.
Here we go... First strange thing i noticed, third day i was high in afternoon without weed. Normal week, clear brain. I drunk 0.5l of vodka and next day i got all visual snow symptoms. I was so stressed that i damaged my brain for 2months. Last 2months (4months of visual snow) i started to see things.. some sort of faces or eyes in front of me. Faces and strange objects in corner of eye.
I'm not in psychosis. I know whats real and not even with depersonalization. I can imagine sounds(that happened before, like dog bark or something) or stuck them for minutes.
I'm schizophrenic or what? These hallucinations are so strange... Will i heal after all? For now ofc i want to heal my hallucinations but visual snow is destroying me too.
I hope we will all heal from this.
P.S. I stopped everything after visual snow. No drugs, No alchogol, fuck this shit really.