windscar

It's impossible to answer that question, it would simply be the new best day of my life.

Great thread thank you! Probably obvious question but do you notice cognitive / memory impairments with clonazepam?

I think I know exactly how you feel as well as well! So glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels it; I wonder why nobody talks about that on HPPD. For me it's something very weird but so hard to explain. It happens in the middle of the night each 5 days or so and is very uncomfortable. I get really weird thoughts as if I am on drugs, like, "I have to find a cure or I'm lost" / "I have to make the date of the paper be 1960 or I won't be OK" / "I have to remove the tiles behind me or something bad will happen" and it prevents me from sleeping because I am extremely worried about those thoughts, as if they were an major unsolved problem in my life. I only realize how ridiculous they are when I wake up next morning. Often I have good thoughts like "the national council wants the date to be 1960, so it surely will remain like that!" or "I can use a hotkey to remove the tiles" which brings me really really good feelings that are indescribable too, like if everything is alright, but shortly after I have bad thoughts again like "a doctor is changing the date to after 1970!" or "the hotkey is broken" and a horrible sensation that everything is lost in my life suddenly comes in. So the whole thing is about trying to change my mind state to the good one so I can sleep, and that is done by convincing myself that the specific "topic" of the night is like it is supposed to be, (for instance, that the "date" is in fact 1960, or that mixing 2 pills is a cure). I try to find reasons for the date to be 1960 and I can even SEE a big number of the date fluctuating, accordingly to my thoughts and conclusions. Very weird and scary, isn't it? Perhaps that has some relation with that good feeling of "everything is right" that anti-depressives bring, or with the mechanism behind good and bad trips. I never had those, but as both messes with serotonin I can see a link there. Or not; just thinking. Our brain is fascinating.

Some days I wake up with my eyes red like if I smoked weed but worse (without doing any drug) and it lasts several days. I never had that before HPPD and now I have it several times. Has anyone had that too? What that could be?

Straight A's that's good, I'm with faith let's see how I do. It's weird to be in a classroom like that. After some time I get afterimages of the people that looks like spirits. About what happened, a friend that's very connected to me in the sense that what happens to me happens to her too just found out she have a chronic illness that is very similar to HPPD, with visuals and stuff. =\ And wow Larry I'm really really sorry for you, you had to be very strong, hadn't you. I can't imagine what you felt. I think I wouldn't deal with it if I hadn't my mother's support. I almost lost her to an stroke, but after years of struggle she is fine. She's my inspiration, I realize my problem is nothing compared to what she had. But well. Did you complete Engineering School? EDIT: oh shit that thing happened again tonight ='/

I just asked because something really weird happened that day. But nevermind. Tomorrow is my first day on university... And in 5 days I will complete 2 months of HPPD. =\

In god or destiny? Today I'm horrible. ;\ And someone said that those who get HPPD from their first acid trip have great chances of not recovering... is that possible? I regret so much having 2 blotters.

I know it's irrelevant now, but.... do you believe in god/destiny/something?

OK perhaps some people recover but as you are saying that there's a high recovery rate, I have also read in various places that those who recover with time are the exception.

Oh sure you said, but I didn't understand. What 'jerking'/'straining' your neck means?

Sorry if you already said but can you connect the return of your symptoms to something? Anything?

I don't have that breathing effect though I had it while tripping. I fell that regret of not being able to use drugs anymore, too, but for me it's more a regret of not being able to do anything I used to do at all. How old are you? Wish the best for you, and please stay here with us.

Please sorry if it seems like I ignore your advices but understand, my life won't get back. I was in the best moment of my life: I had health, lots of friends, the most awesome girlfriend in this world, had a success life, being ranked #1 on high school, having just passed the entrance exam for the best university of my city, having lots of money for my age that I obtained from my work and being in the best physical shape and health ever - so I had freedom to enjoy my life like I never did before - spending time with friends/gf/family, playing soccer, going out though my city, Rio de Janeiro - it's the paradise - Maracanã, Copacabana beach, Lapa's night, my beautiful Vila Isabel. And I just learned to smoke weed and I absolutely loved it. I used it responsibly, showed it to my friends, once we smoked on pedra da gavea hearing and that was probably one of the best moments of my life. And if I had all that is because I fought - because few years ago I had family issues, was obese, failed on school, was losing my friends, had no money no good times. I gradually conquered everything I had.Now... I have panic attacks when I go out, I don't fell comfortable with my friends anymore because the brain fog doesn't allow me following a conversation. I wake up on dawn with panic attacks, I fell groggy 24/7, have difficult to concentrate so I can't work. I have an extreme apathy, I can't enjoy life anymore, I can't enjoy music, food, sports, anything, I don't feel PLEASURE anymore. I can't have SEX! I don't remember the last time I laughed. The visuals bothers me, but my whole brain is fucked up. The visuals are there just to remember of how my brain is fucked up. I have all the visuals, halos, trails, ghosted texts, bright lights and stuff, but in my opinion they're just names for the same mechanism: palinopsia. And the visual snow, that for me is almost invisible. Some think HPPD is psychological, but anyone with it knows it is not. It's so OBVIOUS that your sight is altered. But anyhow I have done a few tests with my friends, just to have sure. I asked them to stare a light at the same time as me and tell me whenever the negative afterimage completely vanished. It takes like 20 seconds for them, but minutes for me. I also asked them to look at the google logo and immediately look to the wall and tell me if they can still read the google logo over the wall (positive afterimage), but no matter of how hard they tried, they couldn't. 2 friends could, though. Both are LSD users. Interesting, not? So what I'm saying is that there are so many things messed up with that I won't be happy the way I am. Doesn't matter how hard you think otherwise, I won't. I fought madly to have the life I had. Countless time working out, dieting, studying, beating social fears, programming and administering those games, enduring my family in war, my mom being threatened of life. If I had accepted the misery, my life would never have turned around. So I won't. I will fight again, I will study madly until I find a cure or good treatment. I don't believe it is an impossible task, I believe it just needs some labor. So it's not that I don't follow your advices, but I just won't stop trying to understand the disease. That is just it. Please, understand, and don't be angry with me. I am sad with our sittuation, I am very thankful for every single post and I want to repay with good news.

I am willing to give my time, effort and money for this. Why are you angry at me?

Dude I am not asking it is just my opinion, let's end this subject.

Ah I see, but if other thing is causing that then what is your HPPD causing?

Oh god O.O sorry, I didn't remember it was you. LarryC you didn't understand, I was not asking what is recovering, I was just commenting that perhaps those who said they have recovered have not really recovered. It was just my opinion, dude, just commenting. If I don't talk you complain, if I do you complain. Calm down please.

Sorry dude, I just had nothing to ask anymore. You answered everything I wanted perfectly. But if you want my opinion then, here we go. I don't think Lerner was trying to treat Flashbacks on that paper as he clearly stated HPPD on the start, I think he just used the term flashback as a writing feature. But your experience with the old forum shows that clonidine really doesn't work so I throw up that idea. About your doctor, nice that he thinks the same as me. I didn't understand his linking of acethylcoline to HPPD and I think it's something to look for later. I totally agree about your comment about drugs companies and HPPD, and I think that nobody will put money on that, so, if we want an answer, then we will have to find it by ourselves. That's why I want to do medicine (I was already considering that). I don't think we will ever find an off-label drug that works 100%, but I know there are many chemicals that are not sold by drugs companies that could help us, because they have different mechanisms, different affinities for receptors, etc., and are not studied just because they are useless to the most spread (lucrative) diseases. But if I study medicine and chemistry, I can learn more about them and perhaps develop some tests on rats or whatnot and, who knows, find a drug that fits HPPD? That would be sweet and we could be the first to test it. Unfortunately, there is still a chance that no drug in the universe is capable of curing us. I mean, if HPPD is related to some kind of higher damage, like neuron death, rewiring of built-up neural networks or any other weird condition, then we can't hope that any drug will do the job of reverting it. Perhaps nanotechnology could. But I don't know, I'm just a 18 boy, I have much to learn. What I know is that only trying hard we can find our answers and I will certainly try, because I have nothing to loss. *FUCKINHEADACHE* And about you, good luck finding that "+". But I still think that regardless of what that "+" is, if HPPD is still present then clonazepan SHOULD work. But I'm not sure, that is just my yet ignorant concept about that. I just want to learn more. That headache is killing me, gotta sleep, goodnight. *Note: I NEVER had headache before HPPD - NEVER - just learned how it is*

OK. Thank you VERY MUCH for worrying. I don't know how to show thankfulness online, but, not just you, but everyone here, on bluelight and on drugs forum, have helped me a lot to cope with this. I will wait to see what happens and try to move on, but I will still look for answers, not because I have HPPD, but because I AM curious. Can you share your history with me? Age, when/how you got HPPD, etc?

That's an awesome paper I hadn't seem yet, thank you.

But do you fell like your HPPD affected your intelligence, memory, ability to concentrate, etc? I will definitely pursue medicine and if I'm not affected intellectually I am SURE I will be able to eventually find some of those answers for us. EDIT: Just read Ralphy's post, that is good, let's hope.

Yes but the question is, how many of those who have recovered have actually recovered and not just are used to their symptoms? I don't think I'll even remember how is live without HPPD in 5 years if I stay the same. That's why I'm so angry with their methods, HPPD CAN be tested objectively. That's what I question: what they actually call 'recover'.

Was he not clear? He said his wd's are strong even if he only cut .25mg and that when he cuts he have wd's but after some time he feels better but on the fifth day he suddenly feels worse.

Do you feel like your HPPD have affected your cognition and academic performance? I'm seriously thinking in leaving engineering to try medicine.