Br0k3nS41nt

Have been struggling with dp, and VS lately. Usually at normal levels my DP is just nonexistence. I cannot naturally associate myself and my actions, I know I do them, but my memories are just words, I cannot visualize or claim any emotional ownership over them. It as if I was told them by an absolutely reliable third party. Visually I know what things look like, but to me those descriptions are aquired not though me living in my own memories (I could never say that something seems like only yesterday, as all my memories seem infinitely distant). The other day it got as worse as it has ever been, my perception felt like it retreated into my own head. My surroundings felt as if they only existed within my mind. Everything felt as if it was an idea, without any eternal reality associated with it. I felt as if I was going to lose control of my body as I could not associate myself with it, only with my perception (which felt that it was only attached to the idea of my external body). Because I was so within my own mind and not in anything objective, I fept as though my existentense was not tied to anything. I was just going to fade out of reality (or keeping with the theme of DP existence was going to fade out of me) This was not a good feeling to have in times square at 3 AM. To abort the panic attack I had to sit down and think. This is not actually happening, this is just a feeling.

This is key, I have had HPPD for a year and a quarter now, but it really doesn't bother me anymore. No anxiety, even though I have a healthy dose of DP and a broad array of moderate visuals. One day I just realized that me constantly checking my symptoms and thinking about how bad it is to have HPPD/DP was only adding to my pain, so I just stopped. My quality of life has vastly improved, and though my first wish would be to get rid of this, I wouldn't be lying that HPPD, particularly DP, is something I find fascinating to be enveloped in. I haven't been visiting this forum here because I just want to move on, I have bigger things to worry about now.

Disequilibrium, not vertigo, vertigo is essentially spinning, like when you spin around in circles. If you feel as if you are on a boat in stormy weather, this is disequilibrium. I had this bad for about 4-5 months after my trip.

Nope Shaolin, I am there with you, DP/DR varies in intensity for me, but there was only once where I actually felt as I existed since birth, it lasted like 30 seconds.

I have always had tinnitus, I had just discovered it one day as a child going to bed after coming down from a fever. It was never bad, listening to sound is able to get rid of it for the most part, however, it has gotten worse since HPPD. I wouldn't put it up there as a symptom I worry about at all though.

I am close if you consider the other side of the state close. What are your symptoms?

To a lesser extent myself compared to my family history. My mother has major depression, has been through psychotic episodes (I am unsure about the actual diagnosis), histrionic personality disorder. My aunt suffers from frequent migraines. Grandmother has many phobias GAD etc. Other then I having sleep issues, night terrors and spells of sleep waking were a frequent occurance during a large potion of my childhood, I was pretty psychologically healthy, albeit noticeably different. A lot of people say I have schiziodish personality traits, although I am pretty sure I would never fit that diagnosis.

It is unlike stroke or encephalitis where there is cell death which can be directly related to how widespread the affected area is, e.g. more paint you huff the more fucked your brain gets. But, HPPD, rather, I believe has to deal with the disinhibition--however this may occur--at synapses which has more to do with whatever is flying around your brain interacting with your brain's organic structure, this is not necessarily related to how big a dose you take and it may take a minute after the initial dose to recognize the symptoms. This I think makes most sense then the I KILLED HALF MY BRAIN, hypothesis.

Heh, Visual, I feel as though anyone of us hooked up to that machine would have gotten some strange readings. I believe the machines they use for neurofeedback are qEEG which what I believe would be most helpful in aiding the diagnosis of these disorders. Perhaps the reaction you got from the doctor would then translate to some kind of sympathy from people who dont have to live in those brainwaves.

Actually yeah, at least to some extent. One of the last times I smoked weed my visual snow went from background visual noise to strange overlays on my vision, first it was green blue and yellow dots in a specific configuration over and over again. Then those dots turned in a drawing of a camp fire with three circles around it repeated across my entire visual field. I could see through these overlays but what I saw was trippy as fuck, I saw what looked like a donkey in a window staring at me and all the walls were moving as the ocean does when a hurricane hits, many waves ferociously moving through the walls. I really didn't know what to think about this I was not psychotic for I new it was a result of my hppd interacting with the thc and whatever else that may have been in that bong. I never really thought however that may stay like this forever though, only because I wont allow myself to do so, the future is unpredictable.where anything is possible, so I am going to worry myself over shit like that. It went away when I woke up the next day.

HPPD does not show up on MRI or EEG. There is evidence it shows on qEEG though. I don't know the specifics but the brain waves on qEEG for HPPD and qEEG for people on LSD are similar. Email david kozin, I am sure if he finds time to answer it will yield valuable information on the subject. I believe his thesis on the subject is accessible at least in some part if you wish to look it up.

Just work toward acceptance, rationality is you friend. Just make sure that you can understand your symptoms and know what sets them off, make sure you believe you are OK with your surroundings and just try to live life as best you can. The way I see it, you can cope with this disorder one of two ways, either through medication, which is through the management of you anxiety or without medication through elimination of you anxiety through acceptance. I have no problem with people who go the medication route, but trying to cope with just medication alone can screw with you, you do not want a klono withdrawal response on top of HPPD. HPPD will probably be with you for a long time, there is really no way you can change that in the short term. Once I realize this myself, that there was no reason to be anxious about something I had no way of fixing or changing my anxiety was almost completely cut away. I can now just live life. Of course different strokes.

Wow, anyway it is good you are doing better. It is interesting though you found relief with anti-psychotics which make things worse for most people with HPPD. I know you do not feel manic and bipolar, nor psychotic, but do you feel as your issues stem from HPPD?

Heh yeah, sometimes it is good every once in a while to hear a honest success of just being able to come out the other side. I believe there are people that do and just want to forget the black hole that was this time, which is completely understand able. i have been able tocope pretty well without hope of recovery as I believe attempting to cope with the disorder on the grounds of hope for a better future alone will lead you to places that are worse off then just trying to live the best you can with what you have. But, it is always good to hear that there maybe an other side to this.