Puppeteer

So it often comes up in conversations on here how nice it'd be to meet somebody in real life who'd experienced HPPD so that you could share genuine empathy for one another - while a lot of us have lovely, caring people in our lives, very few if any seem to be personally acquainted with anyone who's experienced this disorder first hand. Unfortunately, you don't exactly bump into people wearing "I survived HPPD" shirts in the elevator of your local shopping centre. Given that people don't post here with great regularity and when they do it tends to be publically visible and limited to discussing HPPD, and how impossible it is to catch anyone in the chat room, I thought it might be a nice idea to be able to add others on Skype and such and get to know each other through private conversation. However, while HPPD can hugely shape the person you are and the life you live, it's probably not a greatly solid foundation for a friendship on its own, so if you're a fan of the idea it'd probably be good to post a little "about me" with your age and interests and so on. I know I'd definitely like to chat more regularly with my fellow HPPDers; hopefully a few of you are into the idea as well!

I've also thought often about how nice it'd be to be close to someone in real life who's also familiar with HPPD from the inside looking out. It definitely has a huge impact on one's personality, so it seems a guarantee that at least some aspects of your lives and your outlooks would be similar enough to afford a good relationship, romantic or not. Unfortunately (for us), sufferers are few and far between to the point that even an HPPD support group in a major city or something seems like an impossibility, even if all the resident HPPDers were switched on to their condition and in contact with one another. So, I guess outside of sheer luck with someone's geography or traveling, the Internet's our only option for connecting. Sucks.

At one point when I was naively downplaying the role drugs might've had in my ever-worsening state of mental illness, I self-diagnosed with inattentive-ADHD (great idea, I know) and tried out some Ritalin a friend gave to me for a couple of months - 5mg, twice a day. My HPPD did get significantly worse around that time or shortly after but I'm pretty hazy as to what other stuff I was using so I'm not sure if the Ritalin played much of a role. It definitely didn't help me all that much though, and I wish I'd stayed away from it :s

Hey, a fellow Aussie! Though we're about as far away from one another as Aussies get . I'm glad to see you posting more around here, even if it's not great news. I thought I recalled you posting in my thread but I can't see anything at the moment so maybe it's the ol' HPPD-brain playing tricks. I knew HPPD was a thing but wasn't aware of just how bad it could get. It took a good ~8 months since first developing visual symptoms for it to click that a lot of the shit I was going through was likely HPPD-related and drug use had made it much worse, and that the joy I was looking for and afraid of missing out on through abstinence wasn't anywhere near worth the suffering I had been through or the potential prolonging and worsening of that suffering. And even since I've used weed a few times. Just be glad you caught it at all and glad you're making steps to deal with it, I'd say. Past actions suck dick but losing your future to regret sucks even more. Keep moving forward, it's hard but it's the best way to recover.

Realised I never posted in my own thread. Oops! 1. At what age did you first develop HPPD? 17. 2. What drugs had you used prior to it, and how often? As I've said elsewhere I'm not certain which instance of drug use caused my situation, but cannabis, alcohol, DMT and LSD I think. 3. Which substance most likely triggered your HPPD? 25-I-NBOMe, exacerbated by further use of 2C-B, MXE, more 25-I, and especially MDMA. 4. Had you experienced any mental health, cognitive or visual issues prior? Which? Issues with anxious and depressive symptoms, but not to anywhere near the extent I've dealt with them since developing HPPD.

Well, after talking to some friends for a bit and takin' it somewhat easy I'm definitely feeling a lot better generally. Just got my high-strength fish oil, eager for my next psychiatrist appointment in a week, and put in an order for a small amount of NAC, magnesium citrate, and l-theanine. Of course I'll post about my experiences with them here once they arrive. I'll be available over the weekend to respond to other threads and such! In the meantime I wish the best for anyone reading this.

Hey. Time flies - I meant to get back here earlier but in addition to being a bit busier with family and friends I experienced an unpleasant spike in symptoms thanks to indulging in a cannabis brownie mid-way through the week that kept me pretty down. Unfortunately with all the positives of increased social activity comes the temptation of drugs as social lubricants; I figured that since I haven't especially noted any lasting issues from occasional smoking/vaporising in the past couple of months an edible would be okay, but I guess the comparably stronger/longer/more psychedelic nature of the trip was too much. It's nothing too bad and I seem to be getting back to my baseline state, but it's interesting to note just how much worse HPPD can be/has been. As thing's in my case have gotten, in a lot of ways, better, it's been tough to really note how my life has changed because of how gradual the process has been, and so it'd seem I've taken a lot of the positives for granted. For the past few days DP/DR have been worse, I've been a lot less optimistic, that perpetual feeling of impending danger/doom that came with the anxiety was back a bit, and so on. No fun, and definitely the final nail in the coffin as far as my weed use is concerned. Regarding supplements and nootropics: presently I'm taking gotu kola, ginkgo biloba, ashwagandha, melatonin, fish oil (still waiting on the high-strength stuff to arrive), a multivitamin, b-complex, zinc, iron (once every few days), and of course the Cymbalta. I also drink a lot of white tea because I really enjoy it. Quite potentially overkill, but I really want to as certain as possible that I've got diet stuff covered. As for the nootropics, I'm yet to really notice anything especially apparent: prior to the brownie it seemed like I was a lot more sociable and talkative than I have been for a while, but it's always difficult to definitively attribute that to anything. I'm taking two capsules of gotu kola three times daily, two ginkgo twice daily (none at night because it seems to make me less tired), one ashwagandha before bed, and 1-2mg of melatonin. Planning to take a two-day break from all of them once a week. I'm looking into l-theanine, magnesium, and NAC because of the success people have reported with them here, but I want to be certain they won't have any negative effects given what I'm already taking and that they'll definitely be of use given that the cost of this stuff adds up and it gets a bit odd to be swallowing so many pills of a day, hah. Yeah, I'm definitely wary of giving HPPD too much attention through activity here and research and so on, but the impact it has on my life is so damn pronounced that even if I were to somehow ignore it and just "get on with things" I feel I'd likely have a very unpleasant time of things. As such, I figure a concerted effort to combat it as best as I can, at least for a while, is the best option, because the sooner it's gone (or significantly reduced) the sooner I can live properly. Of course, that might just not happen, or only happen with time, so once I've exhausted all the viable options I suppose all I can do is just move on as best as is possible with HPPD as a ~part of me~. Until then, again, I'll try to be as active and productive here as I can. Thanks again for your responses guys Hope all is well.

Hi there. I feel like I ought to come here more but the lack of activity is discouraging; however, thinking about it more, I realise that the best way to promote activity is to participate more yourself, so I'm definitely going to begin posting more regularly. Thanks so much for the lengthy response, onedayillsailagain. Incredibly concise and informative. Unfortunately it's quite late at the moment so I'll respond at length when I get the chance. There are just a couple of things I'd like to share. First off, the psychiatrist appointment went incredibly well. He's such an understanding, genuine guy (and ridiculously attractive haha) and although I wasn't immediately prescribed Keppra I think it went as well as I could've realistically hoped for - It seems like it'd be odd for anyone presenting with this relatively rare condition, with numerous symptoms which are common to many other diseases - to be prescribed an experimental treatment on the first visit to a decent psychiatrist. I took a bunch of information: the DSM-IV's definition of HPPD, some excerpts from Wikipedia, the summary of the study of levetiracetam's efficacy in HPPD treatment, and a bunch of informative posts from the forums, particularly those related to Keppra. He was curious why I'd stopped seeing the psychiatrist he'd referred me to about a year prior, and I explained the poor rapport we had and that though she's likely very good for other types of people, I found her difficult to talk to, anxiety-inducing, and condescending. He seemed to genuinely appreciate my reasoning and got straight into finding out the important stuff. (Feel free to skip over here, I just thought it'd be beneficial for myself and others to have a pretty in-depth summary of my experience with a psychiatrist - I know I thought a hell of a lot about this appointment, and fretted about having one of those hellish, unproductive responses some people have received. It's good to know there are sympathetic, open-minded psychiatrists outside of the seemingly far-less medically conservative US.) I described how my situation had evolved over the past year, and he took notes about my state of mind, family/living situation, lifestyle, routine, hobbies, and the current state of my depression/anxiety, and asked thoughtful questions. I comfortably brought up the topic of HPPD and he was instantly receptive. I didn't tell him about the more "exotic" psychedelics I've used - I feel the like relatively rare substances I've used (which I was only able to acquire through an international anonymous trading website), i.e. my past use of 25-I-NBOMe, MXE, and 2C-B, are only likely to increase skepticism and judgement of potentially-dangerous, illicit substances without providing worthwhile additional information; however, that might be presumptuous on my part. I also didn't mentioned my occasional experimentation with various mild nootropics. I told him two LSD trips had triggered milder, primarily-visual symptoms, and two MDMA trips exacerbated them significantly and caused great cognitive dysfunction. I described my symptoms, explained that though the visual disturbances were irritating it's the cognitive dysfunction that's most debilitating, and detailed my experience with derealisation and depersonalisation. I was also certain to describe my issues with focus, memory, and disordered thoughts. He said that while it sounded like I had researched thoroughly and was well-informed, it would be reckless to not be as certain as possible before proceeding with diagnosis and prescribing medication. He said that an MRI would be necessary to rule out tumours and so on, but when I mentioned that I'd undergone an MRI, CT, and two EEG scans when I had that hyponatraemic seizure in January - at the time my symptoms were much the same - he said they'd be adequate. He still wants to have a look over the scans and blood test results, just to be certain from a psychiatric perspective; he also wants to be able to contact the other medical professionals I've seen if necessary, so I signed a release form for that. He said it'd be useful to speak with my dad as well, though was careful to take note of the aspects of my situation that I'd prefer to keep from him. Oh, finally, I asked if he'd be willing to look over the notes I'd brought and he gladly accepted. He mentioned that a primary concern is the possibility that I may be experiencing a "prodrome": basically the state of reduced-function that precedes psychosis. Though I'm not experiencing many of the typical pre-psychotic symptoms - e.g. paranoia, true hallucinations, and so on - things like thought disorder are also associated with diseases like schizophrenia. He told me to acquire a high-dosage Omega-3 supplement as it's been shown to greatly reduce development/worsening of pre-psychotic symptoms and generally promote better functioning (relevant page: bit.ly/11pv2Tc). We discussed my experience with Cymbalta, and I mentioned that I was experience a few frustrating side effects - most troublingly reduced diet, drowsiness, worse DP/DR, reduced sensation - though it seemed wise not to press my interest in being put back on typically more HPPD-friendly Lexapro which I had a relatively successful experience with pre-HPPD, and he concluded it'd be better to retain Cymbalta for the moment given it's definitely tolerable, and to tend to the more important things without having to worrying about tapering, withdrawal, waiting for a new antidepressant to begin acting, etc. Anyhow, to conclude, he told me he'd track down my blood test results and brain scans, talk with the specialists I'd seen previously, and consult with me in a fortnight - the assured me that was the shortest realistic window for him to be available and ready to provide further treatment options. He acknowledged my wariness of being bounced between specialists given the vast lack of familiarity and knowledge of HPPD in the mental-health professioned and concern about fruitless delays and costs. He acknowledged this and said he'd only send me to another specialist if he thought it were truly necessary in his professional opinion. He said something I really liked just as I was leaving: "In the end, we mightn't be entirely sure what the nature of your illness is and of its cause. Then the best we can do is to try the medication that seems most applicable and see." Finished description of psych appointment) I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, but so much happens in life that it's frustratingly difficult to know exactly what's responsible for the improvements. Since regaining the confidence to contact my friends I think my spirits have definitely lifted up. It's surprising how much you're affected and changed by relative isolation without realising it at the time. ------might stop here because it's much later than i realised and i've gone on more than i meant to. i'll update soon.------

Uhhh

Hmm, no, piracetam has definitely caused my anxiety to flare up significantly. This is the second night in a row that I've felt significantly, painfully anxious. I'll try taking more choline and skipping the evening dose over the next few days, and if things don't improve I'll cut it out.

The capsule filler arrived, last week, so I figured I'd give piracetam another shot while I wait on the valerian, ginkgo and ashwagandha powders to arrive. I've noticed a slight increase in anxiety from it, but also I believe improved awareness and alertness - good and bad at times. I've certainly been doing a lot better in Age of Empires II, haha. I'll try to take it for a month or so to see if much really happens. It was definitely a positive thing when I was taking it last year before MDMA really threw me back into the mire - after that it was hard to tell if it was making things better or worse. I've also got some schisandra, gotu kola, and bacopa around as well, but I'm wary of throwing too many things into the mix. Bacopa gave me terrible brain fog when I first tried it, unfortunately, but I'd like to try it when I'm otherwise cognitive supplement free. I never noticed much either way from the gotu kola, but it'll be easier to take it with some regularity now that I've got the capsule filler so maybe I'll give it another try. Would definitely be nice to take the edge off the piracetam angst, so maybe it in combination with valerian will do the trick. Also, I ordered some melatonin after reading about the numerous and profound benefits it's been found to have - I'd only heard about its usefulness in insomnia before, but it's also a powerful antioxidant, is instrumental in memory and learning processes, and shows promise in treating/reducing Alzheimer's related brain damage, depression/SAD, and migraines. The kava arrived unexpectedly early, and I've tried it a couple of times. It's hard to pinpoint exactly the sensation - it's definitely there, and reminiscent of a mild, less euphoric and disorienting drunkenness. Doesn't seem to do much for sociability, unfortunately. I'm wary of how easy it is to spend money and pop a few pills instead of putting real, focused effort into changing one's life, so I'm working on bettering my sleeping habits and getting back into reading, as well as looking around at gym memberships that are covered by my private health care. My psych appointment is ten days. Got my fingers crossed!

Golly. Tiredness and feeling more dissociated than normally are definitely part of it, but I really can't help noting how much less articulate and concise HPPD has made me. Can't help but cringe after reading through anything I write at length

So I figured it might be a good idea to have a thread where I just generally post about everything that's been happening with my situation specifically, so as to have a solid record of my progress in one place but also to have input from others. I'll still post other threads and comments elsewhere on the site of course, but this'll help to keep me coming back and engaging with the forum hopefully. Of late my mood has improved a lot, though I'm not sure that there's been any lessening of symptoms. I'd say the lack of pressure to do anything specific i.e. study/work is part of that, though doing nothing of much importance is stressful in itself... also, I'm still taking Cymbalta, and it's definitely been instrumental in my improved mood. I've organised to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in a while tomorrow, which is good. Always a bit stressful to interact with people who are still functioning, but he's got mild HPPD as well and has a good understanding of how I got to where I am so he's empathetic and a good bud overall. I spent a few months completely off the social radar, ignoring any attempts at contact and so on, so I'm glad to feel comfortable talking to people again, even though I'm still very aware of the pressures that come with having largely fallen out of step with the rest of the world. I've been looking into volunteer positions and getting some qualifications under my belt so that I can seek employment soon, so fingers crossed for that working out... TAFE courses open next semester and I'd like to feel good enough to enrole in something. I mentioned to a couple of people in the chat room that a doctor had been very kind and receptive to me describing my symptoms and agreed to look into Keppra... well, it turns out that Keppra's a restricted drug in Australia and I have to see a specialist to be prescribed it so here's hoping I land an open-minded and kind one straight up rather than bouncing back and forth like so many people wind up doing. The GP said that if she could've prescribed it she would've as well. Odd that GP's are able to hand out prescriptions for potent antidepressants and benzos here but not something like keppra :S ah well. I've got an appointment with a psych I saw for my depression issues about this time last year on the 4th of June... wish me luck! After reading around I've once again decided to look into the herbal/nootropic treatment options, and I've ordered a capsule-filling machine and some powdered valerian, ashwagandha, and ginkgo. At the very least it'll give me a mundane activity to do while listening to some of the albums I've been wanting to check out, hah. Oh, I managed to get some kava shipped from the UK as well, so here's hoping it gets to me! I'm very excited to try it. Not sure if I ought to wait until after my psych appointment to try this stuff, though... Symptoms at present are much the same; very troubling cognitive stuff going on, as usual, with DP/DR being the big ones - I can't help but feel that a lot of my other cognitive issues stem from them, which sucks but is also reassuring because then it'd be a two-birds-with-one-stone situation. Guess we'll see. Quite stupidly, I guess, I've partaken in marijuana a few times over the last few weeks, and today I've felt the most out of it I have in a while... Hopefully just related to oversleep. What's reassuring is that I've been able to be high without it triggering the horrible anxiety and looping, negative existential thoughts it used to... Maybe that means I'm nearing the end of the tunnel. Definitely not going to be using it again though until HPPD is far, far, far more cleared up, though. I've been back into coffee lately but I'm going to drop caffeine again too. Oh, incidentally, does anyone else have trouble distinguishing between different mental states? I feel like I'm in such a fog that, for example, there's no clear distinction between being sober and high or drunk. Nor is there really a huge difference between feeling rested and tired. It's a bit concerning... Finally, even though Cymbalta has helped enormously with anxiety there are definitely some troubling side effects going on so, if the psych is funny about keppra or anything, I'm going to at least ask him to swap me to Lexapro. Basically it's definitely exacerbated DP/DR, absolutely killed my appetite to the point where I only ever feel satiated or very slightly peckish - not good for a slim, growin' boy, makes me feel drowsy all the time - I woke up after 7 hours of sleep today, mowed the lawn, had breakfast, then crashed out for another 5 hours... i've been up for 5 more and am about to head off again, and has made reaching orgasm quite the challenge, which is a heap of fun. I've heard SNRI withdrawal is the absolute pits, unfortunately That's about it for the moment, I guess. There's definitely stuff in the future to look forward to

oh god, i just rambled on and on about the existential looping thoughts i have on this topic but firefox shortcuts are the worst. yeah, i struggle hugely with identity, what constitutes the 'self', and so on. i'm not sure if pursuing philosophical/existentialist literature is a good idea or a bad one.

i listen to lots of tunes, though with hppd-related depression/cognitive problems i often find it really hard to get into music, pay attention to it, really enjoy it... went through a period of a month or so when i just lost the desire to listen to it at all. but other times it's pretty fine. my last.fm account is: http://www.last.fm/user/fantomix Favourite band for sure is Animal Collective, and though I generally enjoy and appreciate most genres I'd say experimental/psychedelic music appeals to me most: Boards of Canada, Tim Hecker, Alvin Band, Balam Acab, Death Grips, Nicolas Jaar, Slugabed and Lapalux being some particular favourites. But idk, really love me some hip hop too, and more pop-leaning stuff in general. Fiona Apple's latest is my ultimate feeling-down album. I have very minimal experience in music theory/playing, but I'm planning to study it at TAFE/community college next semester if all goes to plan. Fingers crossed...

Hey guys, just wondering what your daily routines are like since developing HPPD.

Hi! I wanted to ask a few questions, partially out of curiosity but also to further establish any potential prerequisites/risk factors in HPPD development. This is stuff most people have disclosed elsewhere but I thought it might be useful to have it all in one place. Sorry if there's already a thread like this. This is rough so suggestions for other questions that might be good to ask are very welcome. 1. At what age did you first develop HPPD? 2. What drugs had you used prior to it, and how often? 3. Which substance most likely triggered your HPPD? 4. Had you experienced any mental health, cognitive or visual issues prior? Which?

If I go out for a walk and forget about life and how HPPD's affected it and all the benefits of not having it, it can feel strangely pleasant. I guess it's similar to the enjoyment of weed or another drug; the feeling of being in a dream, with the world feeling and looking surreal as I almost float through it... It's meditative and calming, in a way, to just do my best to put aside all the stresses and regrets and just experience it for what it is. I don't think I'd be able to do this if Cymbalta hadn't so successfully deadened my anxiety, though.

Yeah, the dissociation of LSD or MDMA minus the racing abstract thoughts and euphoria (i.e. the good stuff ). I read a post that resonated with me here recently where the poster (don't recall whom) said they might look at a tree and know logically that it's being moved by the wind, yet perceive or feel like the tree is moving itself. To me the tree also seems to be moving in slow motion, almost as if it's underwater. "Dream-like", distant, withdrawn into one's self yet somehow outside of one's self. Another description I came up with the other day that feels fairly appropriate is this: say you're going for a walk but entirely focused on something that's going through your mind. Very little of your thought processes are dedicated to the experience of the walk; the path, the scenery, the wildlife, weather, scents, whatever. On some level you're acknowledging them but you're largely on autopilot. For me, when DP/DR's flared up, I might go for that walk and be just engaged with and thinking about the walk, but the sensation in my mind is that of going for that walk without DP/DR and focusing entirely on something else. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Or I might liken the feeling of looking at an object, say a book, to the feeling you'd normally get looking at a very well-detailed 3D-rendering of that book, only with the frightening feeling of knowing that that object is real. Finally, the glass wall analogy. Almost as though there's a transparent barrier between me and the world. I guess this goes with the outside-looking-in feeling.

Oh dear, that looked so much smaller in the preview.

Hey, glad to finally join the HPPDonline community after several months of lurking. I'm a 17-year-old guy from Australia and I've been struggling with increasingly bad HPPD since around last May. Apologies in advance for any linguistic errors - they're mostly due to HPPD, I swear Sorry if I sound like a downer and go on a bit, this is mostly just to get my thoughts down so feel free to skip/skim. Tended to be a pretty negative, pessimistic thinker throughout life due to a pretty sub-par upbringing, toward the end of 2011 a bad relationship and stress from school tipped me over the edge into depression/exacerbated anxiety. Began to use weed fairly regularly and alcohol socially as a distraction/self-medication. By early 2012 I was getting pretty bored with the "softer" drugs and became curious about psychedelics. I'd also come off a low dose of Lexapro. Online sources and a very influential, manipulative friend made it appealing and easy to try a plethora of psychedelics (besides, anybody who wasn't foolish enough to swallow society's biased, unfounded condemnation of drugs knows most psychs are harmless and fun and insightful :rollseyes:). Between February and May when I was first confident I was experiencing HPPD symptoms, I'd used: LSD: first trip at 300ug, second trip at 150ug then another 150ug during the comedown DMT: threshhold dosages a few times, none what'd be deemed successful (managed to inhale a small amount of burnt steel wool in the process which I'd like to know the possible harm of) 25-I-NBOMe: Definitely the most regrettable substance due to its status as a very new, unstudied research chemical and how stressful and unpleasant some of the trips were. First dosed at 1000ug, then 2000ug (fucking intense, fucking horrible), then a two or three times between 500ug. Weed/alcohol use were consistent as well - I was confining weed to weekends so when I got high I tended to get pretty damn high. I was also on minocycline for acne throughout this period, I'm not sure if that played any role at all. Unlike most recounts I really don't recall noticing HPPD symptoms after one particular experience, so I'm not sure exactly when I first developed it. Mid-May I was feeling stressed/anxious in class and noticed the carpeted floor definitely appeared to be writhing. I think prior to that I'd noticed visual distortions but I'd read a little about HPPD at some point and wasn't sure I was if imagining them/noticing things that had always been the case. I then proceeded to be a complete and utter idiot. Somehow I was completely confident that I'd read enough about HPPD to know that it was solely a visual issue, which my then-close "psychonaut" friend who'd also developed visual symptoms assured me was the case. I either didn't read up about it any further or selectively ignored anything I read about it having a greater cognitive impact. I was hopelessly caught up in numerous delusions: I was only using drugs that were harmless in moderation; I was too headstrong/healthy/sane to be the type of person who might experience the generally uncommon long-term ills of any of these substances; all the negative cognitive/emotional things I was experiencing were solely the result of my pre-existing issues with depression/anxiety (which had flared up due to a school/house move) and would've happened with or without my using drugs for recreation/an escape/thing to look forward to. So I kept on using them through so many red flags - difficulty concentrating, vagueness, abnormally frequent deja vu, horrible social anxiety and subsequent social evasion, inability to complete school tasks, struggling with voicing my thoughts/social spontaneity. I pinned it all to depression/anxiety, possible dietary deficits and so on. In retrospect I'm all-but certain HPPD contributed, but hey, 20/20 hindsight and that. Was prescribed Prozac, had a bad reaction to it which may or may not have been related to HPPD. Using weed on it made me feel absolutely awful. Psychiatrist prescribed me Seroquel at 25mg to help with sleep, but sometimes I'd take a few just for the numbing/apathy. I was in an awful place and wound up dropping out of high school in June, mid-way through my 11th of 12 years. While I was on Prozac I used 25-I-NBOMe twice more at 1000ug. They were okay trips, but looking back I was just so frustrated with life and reality that I was just taking things to feel different, to fill in time. A month after leaving school I tapered off Prozac, stopped weed, started taking Omega 3, creatine, Piracetam/choline, and somehow began feeling really good; at the time I could've sworn I felt ever better than my old self. I was still certain that HPPD was just a visual thing so I wasn't even thinking about DP/DR and other symptoms I could've been experiencing at the time, which in some ways was a blessing. I never even really paid attention to my visual symptoms at the time because they were mild, so I don't recall if they lessened or stopped during this good period. I started doing going to yoga once or twice a week, working out three times a week, cooking a lot, and studying astronomy, philosophy and music myself. Then I felt so good that I started using weed again, and soon enough I was using my vapouriser every night. It felt fine/normal. Then my friend suggested we use MDMA together, and I was hyped up on reading about MDMA-assisted psychotherapy and thought it might be fun and possibly helpful. We did it. It was incredibly enjoyable. Then, the inevitable come down. Unfortunately, the come down never fully ended. I felt like I was back where I was. It seemed ridiculous that I'd felt any good for any length of time. I struggled to keep up my hobbies and routine and it all eventually waned. Still somehow doubtful that any of my issues were particularly related to drugs I did MDMA and 25-I-NBOMe once more each, 2C-B and MXE once each also, and weed a fair bit even though it mostly made me feel pretty shit. Both times I did MDMA I was taking Piracetam daily, and I've read in places since that it might potentiate MDMA. So, since then, it's all been a bit of a blur. I've done a depressing amount of not much at all for over 6 months. Gave up on looking for a job. Don't have the cognitive wherewithal to practise driving. Finally stopped all drugs on New Year's. Pretty perpetually down, unmotivated. Been seeing a psychologist. A lot of existential dread and dwelling. Haven't spoken to any of my friends in a month. Lately I've been thinking a lot about suicide; I really struggle to find within myself much desire to live. But, I recall a time when even acknowledging the absurdity and pointlessness of life I was excited about it and wanting to go on, so I'm holding out and hoping that'll return. Doing my best. I'd like to spend all day playing video games, watching television, eating and sleeping, but I know that's no good. I try to go for regular walks and have recently re-enrolled in Year 11 by distance, but I don't feel very hopeful about that. I hate being such a burden on my loved ones, they're amazingly supportive but I worry that this might last for some time and I might eventually top myself anyway. Presently the HPPD symptoms I'm experiencing are tracers, geometric/contrast-y patterns in grass/leaves/carpet/etc., occasional flashes in my peripheral vision, exacerbated visual snow (I've had it since I can recall), mild after-images, light sensitivity, concentration/memory/other cognitive issues, difficulty speaking clearly, jumbled thoughts, difficulty reading, and good old DP/DR. I started taking the SNRI Cymbalta just over a month ago and it's completely gotten rid of the dreadful constant anxiety which is awesome, but I guess I feel kind of numbed, dulled now. It makes me feel pretty sleepy too, and I think it's slightly increased my DP/DR, but yeah, totally beats that fuckin' anxiety. Whew! If you read much of that I really appreciate it and am sorry for how bummed you're probably feeling now I made an appointment today with my GP for next Tuesday and I'm hoping to convince her to prescribe me Keppra; I've compiled a bunch of the positive reports and the study to take with me. Fingers crossed! Hope you're all well! Much love.