K.B.Fante

I nor anybody else here can verify whether you have HPPD or some other cognitive disorder. You're the only one who can decide. All I was saying is that you certainly seem to have symptoms that align with HPPD. It appears you also have symptoms of other conditions as well, but that's just what I gather from reading your post. My HPPD is doing OK. I've been through hell the last two years but I've drastically changed my lifestyle and diet and am currently seeing a solid, steady improvement in my symptoms all the time, however it's still a very slow process of healing and I imagine it'll be another year or so before I'm fully healed.

You definitely have HPPD symptoms. When I first got this I also felt extreme exhaustion. I could hardly stay awake and even everyday tasks like completing a sentence and making lunch were difficult. I think that's the result of large-scale neurodegeneration to be honest. Looking back I also think I got my HPPD from a synthetic... The only thing you can do now is take all the steps possible to heal your brain. There's plenty of advise all over this forum, so you might wanna sit down and do some reading.

As others have mentioned, you just need to stay busy, exercise (include lots of variety too), eat healthy (fish, veggies, fruit, teas, fermented foods, etc.), meditate and on down the line. Buy yourself lots of time too. If there's anything I've learned about HPPD it's that it takes a long time to heal but if you keep at it you'll likely pull through. Trust me, I've been to some really dark places in the last few years but somehow kept going and I'm very happy I did.

Sure sounds like HPPD to me. Also, you have lots of Depersonalization-Derealization symptoms, even some additional overlapping dissociative symptoms like fugue and amnesia. From what I gather all this crap falls under the same umbrella of brain damage proceeding psychedelic drug use. Your vision gets messed up, your memory gets messed up, your emotions get messed up (if they weren't already before) and yet there's nobody to tell you exactly what happened or whether you'll recover and so on. Sounds like you're doing all the right things though. You might want to see a therapist too. Also be sure and read the recovery stories of this forum to see what people did to get better, and perhaps google dissociative conditions to better familiarize yourself with how they work since it definitely sounds like you're in the DP-DR spectrum, just like a lot of people here. All you can do is try and live a healthy lifestyle and hope for the best. If you do, you give yourself a great chance at recovery, though it might take a while...

More eye problems, in addition to HPPD obviously. Only happened after a week on Lexapro and has stayed about the same ever since.

Tough to make blanket statements with this condition considering everyone's HPPD is different and reacts differently to a wide range of substances. Some people do well on SSRIs, while some do not. I don't know how many people have seen specific improvements to their symptoms while on SSRIs but there's definitely a catalogue on this site of those who've seen symptoms worsen. I tried SSRIs and though they made me feel artificially happy they did nothing for my symptoms and gave me additional side effects I might have for the rest of my life. That's not necessarily something I'm excited about, so I've switched to natural antidepressant herbs and vitamins and I feel pretty great all things considered.

I had this when I first got HPPD but it only lasted for about three months. I constantly felt high, but not in a good way, and it felt like a weed high rather than acid which is the drug that gave me HPPD. I always thought this was strange because I hadn't smoked weed in two years prior to getting HPPD. I also had Depersonalization symptoms of feeling transported back in time to when I was in high school. Clearly some aspect of my hippocampus got messed up, but like I said these feelings have mostly dissipated. I still feel them a bit here and there but they're hardly noticeable at this point.

Yeah, that could be withdrawals. I've had all sorts of sleep problems over the last few years and have definitely woken up a few nights drenched in sweat, hyperventilating, etc. You might try some sleep teas just before bed just to see if it keeps you out for longer. Also, meditating right before bed might help to clear your mind a bit.

Like MadDoc, I had severe "warping" when I first got HPPD, especially when I stared at something for more than about three seconds. I remember sitting in my bathroom a few days after getting HPPD, staring at the rug in front of me and literally just tripping balls as the whole entire room started swirling and breathing. This symptom has drastically decreased in the last two years since getting HPPD but if I stare at something for more than a few seconds I can still watch it start to move and breathe a little bit, but it's not anything that bothers me because I just move my eyes and it's gone. I've had really terrible Depersonalization-Derealization this entire time. I'd say this is by far the worst part of my HPPD. My voice sounds foreign, I have absolutely nightmarish macropsia (where objects that are closer to me appear bigger), shrunken depth perception (at first it was like seeing the world as a cartoon in 2-D), a loose mind-body connection, etc. In terms of strict HPPD symptoms I have streamers from almost anything that moves, afterimages (but only at night), visual snow, halos (but only around really bright objects that contrast with a darker background) and so on. I used to terrible brain fog but that pretty much cleared up as I started eating healthier and limiting sugar. The good news is every single one of my symptoms has improved in the 22 months since getting HPPD. But it's been no easy ride getting here as I've had to work my ass off every single day and had to deal with terrible suicide ideation for most of this time. I really believe that if you immediately stop all drugs (including alcohol, caffeine, excess sugar, cigarettes, etc.), do all sorts of exercises and eat really healthy you give yourself a great chance of a full recovery. I can't speak for everyone but it does seem like many people get better through living a healthy lifestyle and abstaining from drugs. In terms of getting diagnosed, you could get in contact with Henry Abraham as he's one of the leading medical professionals who's studied HPPD, however you'll have to fly to Boston where he lives and he'll likely just tell you what you already know. If you have HPPD symptoms and got them from drugs then you likely have HPPD. There's no form someone can hand you that confirms this, you just have to self diagnose from reading on the Internet basically.

I grew up in the late 90s and early part of the millennium and it always seemed like cocaine and mdma were the most common hard drugs around. I sorta hung with the hippie crowd though so hallucinogens were not uncommon either. It's so crazy looking back now because there were a few people I knew who took drugs and ended up dropping out of social circles altogether, but I never could verify this for myself. I had a friend of a friend who supposedly took tons of drugs one night and the next morning didn't know who he was, so my friends had to take him to the hospital. I never really thought much about it, just that he did way too many drugs (at least that's what I was told) and ended up with some sort of mental problems, however I hung out with him a few years later and he seemed fine so I just didn't think anything of it. I also remember a different case where someone mentioned how a friend from high school was dropping too much acid and "fried" himself, but again, I saw this person a few years later and he seemed fine so I just didn't think much of it. What's clear now is that these people likely had some sort of HPPD, whether mild or severe is the question. I don't know how many times people have told me I seem normal over the last few years since getting HPPD when in fact I've been in a totally different universe. My assumption, however, was always that the people I heard who got messed up took way too many drugs, but I never asked them myself so this was always only hearsay. As I now know, it only takes one hit of acid to get extreme HPPD. No matter the case, I always remember hearing about people who got "permafried" in high school and I now understand exactly what that terms means, which is HPPD. I wasn't around in the 60s but I do know the "recipe" for LSD was known by far, far fewer people than today. In fact, I remember watching a documentary on drugs last year where someone mentioned that after Hoffman synthesized LSD in the 30s the way to produce it was then only known by about 10 people for the next 30 years or so. Now people can just google how to make LSD and there's no telling how well they're doing it or what they're putting inside. This applies to most other drugs these days too. I did LSD a few times before I got HPPD and I always felt great. The time before I got HPPD was one of the best nights of my life. I had never felt so good on anything before. But the acid that gave me HPPD was terrible. I don't even know if it was acid. It just felt dirty inside my head from the very start. And so I really think the quality of drug has at least something to do with HPPD. So many times people come to this board and talk about all these crazy new drugs that I've never heard of and I don't think it's a coincidence people end up with HPPD after taking them. There's too many losers out there desperate for money who are making totally crap drugs for teenagers with no regard to quality ingredients or manufacturing practices and I think this is at least partially why people end up here. That's my two cents on the matter.

Definitely sounds like you have HPPD. Tinnitus, afterimages, visual snow, eye strain, trails and light sensitivity are all very common HPPD symptoms. Also the fact you've done lots of drugs and consequentially have visual, emotional and cognitive health issues suggests HPPD as well. There's no doctor that can diagnose you with this condition so you just have to decide whether you think your problems align with HPPD but from everything you've described it sure sounds like you're part of the group! Best thing you can do now is abstain from all drugs, eat healthy, exercise and take all the standard steps to repair your health.

Thanks for posting this. Seems like there's been a string of these types of posts lately, which is great. The more success stories on this site -- full recovery or not -- the better. I've also had times where I've tried to look at the positive side of HPPD, that I've lived my whole life with untreated anxiety and unprocessed trauma, and now I finally have an opportunity to address my mental health, which I don't think I would have ever done otherwise. In a way it's almost like something had to happen to me to make me realize all my underlying issues, although I could have done with something much less severe, traumatic, difficult, prolonged, etc. From what I can tell, HPPD changes people forever. I don't think anybody is ever the same, even those who recover rather quickly. I'm a totally different person than I was two years ago with totally different dreams and goals in life, all due to HPPD. Though in the end I will in a way be grateful for life and this entire experience I also think the level of suffering I've had to endure is inhumane and as many people say, I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Yeah, sounds like you're verging on Depersonalization-Derealization symptoms more than HPPD. Jay can probably answer this better than I, but my interpretation of HPPD was that it's mostly visual disturbances: streamers, trails, halos, visual snow, flickering, changes in color, breathing textures and surfaces, closed-eye visuals (CEVs), etc. Lots of people end up getting DP symptoms along with HPPD, and visa versa, so you could be someone who just has more DP than HPPD.

Seems like most people with mild HPPD say the same thing, that their symptoms are just bad enough to make them reassess their life and ask themselves what's truly important without having to go through a full on mental breakdown as is the case with more severe cases. I never had a problem with drug addiction so I had no problem going cold turkey, but I can say that I highly recommend it both for healing from HPPD and for experiencing life in general. You'll get used to it pretty quick and realize how great life can be without any substances. Maybe try doing some outdoors stuff too. That's always when I feel at my best.

Yes, over the course of about two years it has improved a lot. When I first got HPPD my frame rate was almost unrecognizable. My brain couldn't really handle any sort of visual stimuli whatsoever. Even just walking and watching the floor below me was too fast for my eyes to track. I'm getting pretty close to normal again but I still probably have another year or so before it gets completely fixed.

You definitely should print some information out. There's all kinds of pages on the Internet about HPPD including a Wikipedia page and this article from The New Yorker a few years back: http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/a-trip-that-doesnt-end. Seems like every few moths there's another article about HPPD that pops up when you do a quick Google search, so there's definitely not a total lack of awareness and acknowledgment about this condition as in decades past. The real ugly truth, unfortunately, is that a lot of people who get HPPD end up living with it for years, decades and even an entire lifetime. I've been reading these boards up and down for the last few years and haven't come across too many cases where people recovered in a matter of months. That's why I think it's important to have people like you and Jay come forward because you're a testament to the idea people can live happy and productive lives with this condition even if it's for the rest of your life, which many initial sufferers can't imagine. Finding this board and the Depersonalization board were both heaven sent for me. I had no idea what was happening to me when I first got HPPD so it was a huge relief to come across an entire archive of similar stories, especially from those who've recovered. There's lots of useful information here so be sure to do some browsing around!

Yeah, that basically sounds like frame rate. It's just like a movie camera. The faster or more number of frames per second (or whatever measurement you want to use) the more smooth the vision, the slower or less number of frames the more choppy.

Streamers are the same as trails, at least that's how I've always seen it. It just means when something moves there is an afterimage trail left behind. So for example when I waive my hand in front of my face there is a long "streamer" that follows that movement. This actually happens with regular vision as well it's just that with HPPD it's much more visible from much slower moving objects.

Yeah, from the sounds of it meds don't really heal HPPD so I don't think you're missing out on much there. I too have the symptom you describe but I only get it when I stare at something for a long time under the right lighting conditions so it hardly bothers me at all, especially compared to my other symptoms. That's great you've been able to lead a happy life though. I know a lot of people like hearing stories like yours as it gives people hope who are going through rough times.

Your story sounds awfully similar to mine. I was never a huge drug person before this, had just gotten hired for my dream job and dropped a single hit of acid which led to extreme HPPD which has lasted for about two years now. I've also made tons of progress and totally agree about yoga. I always felt so much better after doing hot yoga. I think it's one of the best exercises you can do for holistic health. The thing that's worked wonders for me is food. I did a lot of research about health and healing last year and everything kept coming back to food. I went pretty extreme and did paleo for about eight months and it really helped me recover faster but I wouldn't recommend it for other people as it's a pretty hardcore diet that can really mess with your body if you're not careful. The biggest thing is to just start eating whole foods all the time, cut out gluten and cut down on sugar as much as you possible can. Also, eat the colors of the rainbow every day, all different types of fruits and veggies from all different families. I really think the body is an incredible healing machine in constant state of regeneration, you just have to give it the fuel it needs to do its job.

Yeah, from what I've read castor oil, bentonite clay and other detox agents can leave you pretty sapped of some valuable nutrients so just be sure to eat really well after you use it. I hear good things about them though. If you're hesitant for whatever reason you should give saunas a try.

Wow, that's some story. Thanks for sharing. Did you ever have any other symptoms like afterimages or streamers? And have you tried any medication?

Man, that's rough. I didn't think you had near that amount of symptoms. I've never had CEVs but I have had pretty much everything else you mentioned, the only difference is that my symptoms have steadily gotten better over time. If I hadn't improved from Day 1 I really don't think I'd be here right now as my HPPD and DP were both severe. My biggest problems at this point are DP, streamers, macropsia (which ties into DP) and frame rate, although it seems streamers and frame rate are interconnected from what I can tell. I still have snow, slight morphing when I stare at something for a long time and afterimages, but they're very minor and don't bother me hardly at all. It's really my entire visual-spacial recognition system that's still quite off and it's hard to go about the day when everything that moves lags or streams behind.

Jay, if you don't mind me asking, what symptoms do you still have? And have there been any that have gotten better over the years or even in the first five years?

I'd echo what Unlucky said. Don't do drugs, not in eight months, not ever. It's just not worth it. Think about it: You either get high for a few hours with friends or potentially spend a lifetime cognitively impaired, depressed, anxiety ridden, wishing you could just go back in time to that day you messed it all up forever. As many people on this forum will tell you, drugs have been the worst thing to ever happen to them.