Kellen

name="trip into hell" post="30155" timestamp="1445453163"]im not angry at anybody...just disappointed...but people are all the same they rather cry over their condition, using prescription meds without doubt and trying to get attention of others instead of doing something for themselves with real healing potential...its insane how people are somehow depending on being mentally ill. This is the most ignorant thing I have read on these boards Not only are you undermining the struggles many people face with this you are also standing on some pedestal dishing out what you precive as fact. people are fucking SUFFERING with this and if they can find what they precieve as a life raft to pull themselves out they will take it. You are only of the lucky ones who's condition probably wasnt as severe and you were able to beat it sans meds. Congrats. But don't belittle the struggles of others. It just comes off as self righteous and makes you sound like a dick

https://depressionintrospection.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/coming-off-of-lamictal-lamotrigine/#comment-5776

See two posts below

So I'm down to 200 as of yesterday. This month hasn't been as awful as sept was but its still been very difficult. anxiety is coming back pretty strong and I'm barely sleeping. Dp/Dr is bad. Had to leave the gym yesterday because of how I was feeling. Really dizzy all the time with a headache too. I realized lamitrogine was totally the wrong choice. It's "mood stabilizing" propertied can back fire and get you to where I am now. Trust me you don't want want to go through what I am. This is almost beyond hppd. Like an amped up version. I don't know what it's going to be like when I'm off this shit and I'm not looking forward to it. But I will even out eventually. I'm going to give kepra another spin because as I said it did KO my symptoms on the first dose. But I'm going to start very low this time. Atleast I know it did something. Need off this crap first. Current symptoms DP/DR - I can not describe how awful this is when it's at its worst. It's seriously like living on another planet and everything is flat looking. Like 2d. coupled with the visual shit it's almost unbearable at times. Ive had dp/Dr before but nothing even close to this. By far the worst symptom. Anxiety - varies day to day but is always there. When it's bad it can feeling like I'm full on tripping again Visuals - VS is raging all the time. After images and floaters too but theVS is the main issue. CEVs aren't so bad tho. My visions also really blurry and I am extremely sensitive to artificial lights. It's very uncomfortable. Depression - I get what I would Call the lamital depression sometimes that is SO deep and hollow it's almost inhuman. I've been depressed before but again this is like depression x 1000. They are episodic but when it's there it is horrible. Suicidal thoughts 24/7. After that it's a general depressed kinda feeling all the time. I have a few moments where I feel some happiness but over all I'm really bummed out and I have a lot of reason to be. Again this varies from day to day. Emotions - all over the place. My gf left me and I was handling it pretty well actually. But it's really hitting me now. Before that even I was very emotional. Crying all the time over almost nothing. Pretty unlike me. Sometimes feeling like I have no idea who I am. And some emotions I have never felt that are so horrible it's polarizing. I've stopped dead in my tracks because of how fucked up I feel sometimes. Also I'm extremely agitated. I ahvjt had one of those "I want to fight someone" episodes since that first one but ya I still get pissed off easily. Paranoia - over thinking and obsessive thoughts. Especially after the break up. Can't break the cycle Yup this sucks How I cope I just keep going. And I do whatever it takes to make life as stress free as possible. I've started journaling and looking at myslef in the mirror reaffirming I will get through this. It's been invaluable in keeping me grounded and motivated. Looking at yourself in the eye and saying positive things is one way to combat all of this. Even at times at my worst when I don't feel like myself at all I still do this and it breaks that wall down a little bit. Seeing myself in a passing reflection and nodding to myself "I got this" no matter how bad a day I'm having. It might seem crazy but if it's helping it can't be. Whatever it takes. I'm also trying to remain busy around good friends. I'm in a band and we've managed to play out of town shows and I never thought we would. Or I would be able to. Sometimes I forget lyrics and get flustered really easily but I power through. Working out helps too. Sometimes I can't beat the symptoms at the gym and I have to leave. But on the days when I can I always feel better. Sometimes even symptom free when I'm on the treadmill. It doesn't last long but it's always a relief. Eating right. I've cut out sugar, rice and grains from my diet. My brain fog is still bad but it was worse when I was eating that stuff. Listen to your body and stay committed. Fresh veg and meat. No processed crap. Considering I was a guy who would order pizza 5 nights a week this is a huge improvement. But then again I'm in survival mode So even through all this I'm still staying positive, even when I feel there is no end I actually know there is. And I'm doing my best to call out when I'm experiencing a symptom opposed to somethign I may actually be feeling. Believe me when I say if I can do this ANYONE can. And I know I'll beat this and get some of my life back. Stay strong.

Couldn't tell you I only took it twice

I put shrooms but weed definitely played a major roll. Not sure which one exactly. I think shrooms cracked the door but weed kicked it open. I did MDMA a few times too. Stay away from drugs kids.

Tried it again last night around 3 am. It increased my intrusive images and racing thoughts to the point where I haven't slept at all. Even after taking 11 mg zoplicone. Which sucks because I barely slept the past 2 days either but this was worse. Also I felt my morning anxiety return. It's always been there but I could really feel it this time. Weird thing is I feel like I have a bit more energy. I'm definitely drowsy and tiered but considering I've maybe slept 4 hrs in the past 3 night I should be a vegetable. But so far the risk outweighs the reward. Maybe I'll try taking it earlier before the zop or in the afternoon Mr 50 the first time I took 1.5 mg and it made me feel more anxious and derealization. And increased my visuals/ intrusive thoughts This time I took 1.5 again

Thinking about giving it another shot

1mg for two weeks the 2,g 2 weeks then 3.5 mg 2weeks

I took 1 mg and it made me feel fucked so I puked it up and stopped. I weigh 175

So a couple days ago I was in really really bad shape. I can not describe how awful this has been. I was literally trembling all over. Zero functionality. Just a vessel of anxiety and dread. Then I did something I said I never would. I popped .25 of a colamzepam. I felt nothing only more anxiety. I left the house and it was the worst dpdr I've ever had. Cartoon world. Managed to get a tea and headed down to the river to look at the ducks. When I got down there I noticed I could see more detail on everything. The graininess had lifted. I still felt very dpdr but my visuals had really improved. I walked a bit more and started to feel like shit again so I took the other .25. Didn't really notice a difference. Met my buddy and was still well out of it. We had band practice and a stumbled my way through the set. When I got home however I noticed my anxiety had greatly improved. And was functioning and talking like I used to. I still have to take zoplicone to,sleep but when I got up yesterday I felt fucking normal. Or what I precieved as normal. Almost no anxiety, better vision, OCD thoughts subsided, not depressed. What a miracle. I was due for a break. I was actually happy. christ I needed that. Waking up today I feel more depressed and my brain fog is bad. It's Didn't sleep even tho I took the zop. But I'm not an anxious wreck like I have been for the past few months upon waking up everyday. So here's my plan. Use comlanzepam no more than 3 days a week and no more then .5 each of those days Use colanzepam to help get off of Lamictal. Slowly tapering. Then slowly taper off colamzepam maybe with the help of LDN (I'll give it another shot) I'll stay on LDN if it helps I won't ever be coming off of zoplicone I think. It's literlly the only thing that muffles the part of my brain the constant intrusive images/ ear worms comes from. Is it weird that I've only taken .5 two days ago and I still feel the effects?

*What I wrote was too discouraging and depressing so I deleted it

I have a long way,to,go too.,I'm at 275 from 400 reducing by 25. Once I got past 300 I was proud of myself but god damn this is fucking hard.

So my dp/Dr, visual shit, anxiety and depression are the worst they've ever been right now. This medicine has reared its ugly head. I've been reading a lot and the withdrawal from lamictal and it is some of the worst shit a person can go through. My mood and emotions are all over the place, Im having really weird thoughts all the time. Like broken thinking. My depression is so bad it hurts. I'm constantly exhausted. I'm seeing trails even by waving my hands. Crazy vs. Heavy brain fog. Migraines. Delirious. Insane dp/Dr. Aggression. Agitation. And suicidal thoughts. This shit is poison. I tried LDN last night and it made everything worse too. Zoned me right out.,I ended up forcing myself,to,puke it up. God this is a fucking nightmare I am still confident I will get through it but I want off this shit ASAP. I don't feel anything like myself it's awful.

The only thing I've felt that's really helped me so far is omega3 fatty acid. I'm thinking clearer and it's has improved my cognitive function somewhat.

So the extreme sensitivity hasn't been as bad the past couple of day. I guess it fluctuates with each decrease

So I mentioned before about light sensitivity being a side effect. initially it started as photophobia on natural sunlight. However now it has morphed into having EXTREME sensitivity to artificial light. Every car light, neon sign, stop light, street light etc... Is almost blinding. I can somewhat notice it during the day but at night it is totally out of whack. Last night I went to see a concert and upon leaving everything looked so bright it was almost too much. However I remained in control. Then we went to a bar where my buddy was playing and there were green and yellow lights on them and I had to leave. I crabbed it home without trying to look out the window. I've had this side effect for a couple months now but over the past few days it has dramatically increased. Along with the VS and anxiety. But I am remaining confident it will go away eventually. A lot of the other side effects have dwindled down for now. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this not even necessarily from lamictal and how they coped

glad to hear that is a big step. she's concerned and wants to help you you're already headed in the right direction and now you have even more support to get you through this. Also happy belated

Counselling might not be so bad. But you have to teach them about what's going on with you. Maybe even tell your mom you need these Meds because you fried your brain on other drugs. and that they are not opiates or benzos and have no use recreationally

I remember saying to my mom " if you could only jump in my body for a minute and see and feel the shit I do you would understand why I need help so desperately" They don't want to admit to themselves that their child is not well. no parent does. Especially with something outlandish as hppd which I'm assuming she's never heard of. It might take some convincing but she will come around. Stay persistent and tell her this is what you need to stabilize yoir life. Again show her the forums. Maybe even show her what you have written.mand show her the many YouTube videos and articles on hppd.

No one will truly understand if they don't have it. But if you show them this is what you have and you are really struggling they should help you in anyway they can. My mom still doesn't fully understand but finally after years of battles she has accepted that this is who I am. we battled about it because she has major emotional and couldn't see past her own judgement. But now she understands that I can not work which was the major issue for her. pfft as if work is everything in life. Nope. Taking care of myself is. But they have to know in order to help you. It's hard with mental illness and stuff like this because it's not on the outside but when YOU know there is something wrong the people who care about you should be there to listen and help you. Let me know how it goes

if you can't get through to your mom you need to find someone else to,talk to. An aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, a guidence counsellor at school. someone who will,listen. If you are suicidal that is a major issue and it needs to be taken seriously. And it will be by someone

Show her this forum and show her that the Meds you are trying to get have no recreational value. People don't take keppra to get high. Is there anyone else in your family who can help? Reach out to anyone who will listen. Last resort go to emerg and tell them what's been going on and that you're suicidal. They can refer you to someone who can help

Also I would welcome being knocked out for a few days. I need to catch up on my beauty rest been way too long

I understand dude it's hard to tell your parents but they HAVE to know. It will be relieving once they do. There is no need to suffer in silence and my family , well mostly my father, has played a major role in helping me cope with this. Show her the forums. Get her to read up on it a little. There is more information and validity on hppd than ever before It's scary to admit because it makes it more realized and solidifys that hey I have this horrible shit going on and it's so bad I have to tell my family. But you wouldn't be afraid of telling them you have cancer and hppd should be no different