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I feel like I'm close to a suicide


0spryth0
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I feel that I'm roting physically. Its an actual feeling in my gut, I feel like I'm dying. Am I ready? No. I dont want to die. But I only need to fail once when this urge comes, which I'm fighting daily.

Been having this for years. Moved back in with my parents. Dont work. On countryside. M27. I dont know why they hate me this much. I only take food from them, nothing else. Dont go anywhere. Have some savings.

I stopped having lunch and I'm on 1 meal a day. I simply cant endure how they look at me. I can sense that they see me as an embarrassment. And I cant handle it. So I eat once at night, during the day I dont go out of my room. Its been like this for a few days now after my father yelled at me and it triggered me. I even helped them with work until these few last days, but it was never enough for them. I cannot believe in what they turned into. What kind of a parent is that, when your life is good they brag to others how well you are doing, lifting their ego - but when your life is going downhill they reject you? This is not love. Far from it. 

This is an emotional abuse. 

Maybe I could raise awareness of HPPD and mental health in general with my death. If it comes to that point. It will eventually. Tons of writing and sending it to some news or something.

But I dont want to die.

 

As for the actual HPPD. So intense HPPD due to heavy LSD abuse, psychosis. Tried various antipsychotics, nothing helped. Taking Xanax here and there when I want to die, it calms me down, nothing more really.

 

Edited by 0spryth0
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Even this intense HPPD, its easy peasy compared to when psychosis symptoms hit,, when these demonic aliens start atacking.

I didnt have those symptoms in a while now, but I feel such thought pattern is still inside me. I worked hard to burry it, but when I feel really bad - I feel like it wants out.

 

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Hi, sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. 

Have you ever had a serious discussion with your parents about what you are going through? How they feel about the situation? How their actions make you feel? etc... It sounds a bit like you are assuming they are embarrassed by you, but maybe they are just confused and worried? Opening a dialogue would really help you all understand each others situation and emotions. They have accepted you back in their house, so there must be some level of love and compassion. 

Are you being treated for the psychosis symptoms? 

For the physical feeling you mentioned, have you ever tried a beta blocker... I find they take away that awful feeling in the stomach that seems to be related to anxiety.

Keep fighting, Jay

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can't really help with any advice as such, but maybe it can help if I share the experience that I had with my mother?  It's very difficult for me to explain what went on emotionally when I was living through the below - but I sure do remember how it all felt!  Looking back, some of that xanax might well have helped me too...

Soon after I developed HPPD I went to the town that my mother was in, to tell her all about it. I hadn't lived with her for a couple of years by then because in my first year of uni (after my last year of school) her new partner and her both moved out of our city and paid for me to remain by living in a residential college.  But then I dropped out of this first attempt at uni (I managed to go back and get a degree later).  She became so upset and called a help-line and then told me that they had told her that I might have a drug-induced psychosis.  This upset her so much more.  She had a lot of mental health issues during her life, so this seemed to be just something that she couldn't take - so she cried and cried.  She struggled to cope already whenever my brother or I were not ideal (e.g. if we were ever sick). Consequently, I felt very strongly that I wouldn't be able to deal with the HPPD around her - that I had to leave and face it on my own, that her behaviour would make it harder for me to be strong - so I left. I packed a back pack and started backpacking in my own home city to start with. Then I travelled to the next town then the next, with new friends that I found along the way.  Even though I could go on welfare where I am, I picked fruit to earn a living, just to do something that didn't really need my brain for the time being.  It felt fantastic to be out and having fun and new experiences, even with HPPD.  I just kept on in this way, doing the next thing and the next thing.  I used to feel really sad that I didn't have the kinds of parents that I'd heard described: who are capable and kind and caring, and could pay for mental health professionals and everything that their child needs.  In the end though, it has worked out ok for me.  My mother still asks me about occasionally, so I talk about it - but I don't go much into any of those early details.  

 

 

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I know i am typeing this is wrong, but ya i feel so too, I'm just a coward who is not able to do it, i really wanna end it all, but 2 of my attempts have just gotten me to the EMR . I hope hope god gives me a break and takes me away, i never hurted anyone , i used to rescue animals , i used to feed them, i never hurted anyone, i never wished bad to anyone , why me ? There are so many bad people on this planet who deserves so much bad, i would trade this hppd for a life in prison any day, i hope god listens to me and just takes me away , this is not a life worth living 

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