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0spryth0

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Everything posted by 0spryth0

  1. Sorry for the rant, Im better now. Took 0.5mg xanax..it again saved my life.
  2. Even this intense HPPD, its easy peasy compared to when psychosis symptoms hit,, when these demonic aliens start atacking. I didnt have those symptoms in a while now, but I feel such thought pattern is still inside me. I worked hard to burry it, but when I feel really bad - I feel like it wants out.
  3. I feel that I'm roting physically. Its an actual feeling in my gut, I feel like I'm dying. Am I ready? No. I dont want to die. But I only need to fail once when this urge comes, which I'm fighting daily. Been having this for years. Moved back in with my parents. Dont work. On countryside. M27. I dont know why they hate me this much. I only take food from them, nothing else. Dont go anywhere. Have some savings. I stopped having lunch and I'm on 1 meal a day. I simply cant endure how they look at me. I can sense that they see me as an embarrassment. And I cant handle it. So I eat once at night, during the day I dont go out of my room. Its been like this for a few days now after my father yelled at me and it triggered me. I even helped them with work until these few last days, but it was never enough for them. I cannot believe in what they turned into. What kind of a parent is that, when your life is good they brag to others how well you are doing, lifting their ego - but when your life is going downhill they reject you? This is not love. Far from it. This is an emotional abuse. Maybe I could raise awareness of HPPD and mental health in general with my death. If it comes to that point. It will eventually. Tons of writing and sending it to some news or something. But I dont want to die. As for the actual HPPD. So intense HPPD due to heavy LSD abuse, psychosis. Tried various antipsychotics, nothing helped. Taking Xanax here and there when I want to die, it calms me down, nothing more really.
  4. I have all the usual HPPD symptoms like visual snow, floaters, everything looks brighter and cartoon-like. DPDR. I also deal with delusions and paranoia. No, as said I saw no increase in symptoms when I got on antipsychotics. I'm also prescribed Xanax but it doesn't do much for me, just makes me sleepy.
  5. Hello, thanks for replying! I have tried Risperidone for 3 months or so (I was on 6mg at one point) and I saw no increase in symptoms but the side effects were bad, especially the restlessness. I wasn't able to sit still (except when I was sleeping). I wasn't able to watch TV for 15 minutes. I would mostly just sleep on it or walk around my house. I have also tried Abilify (also 3 months +) and I'm currently on Clozapine (both antipsychotics) and honestly they did absolutely nothing for me. I have no idea why am I still taking Clozapine, it's relatively small dose so I don't feel any side effects. I'm afraid it won't help me since I have also been taking it for a couple of months now without any changes. But I think it's worth trying antipsychotics, especially if you are dealing with psychotic symptoms. In some cases it helped with HPPD. I'm also just trying to save my life, I hear that.
  6. My doc knows nothing about HPPD and I'm being treated for drug induced psychosis. I feel like I have both. I had many psychotic trips and I never really recovered from them. Sometimes I hear voices inside my head that are not my own, sometimes Im afraid they will take over my mind. I also have a lot HPPD symptoms. I rarely leave my house, can't live on my own anymore, can't even stay in my own house alone at night, my condition is very severe. I've been sober for a year, HPPD and the psychosis thing started 3 years ago at the same time. After a psychotic trip I was left with HPPD symptoms + I didn't come down from that trip. I feel very lonely, does anyone here suffers from some psychotic disorder? Can you tell me about what medication do you use, does it work? I'm currently on antipsychotics for about 4-5weeks, Risperidone. It doesn't really help I think. I will also start taking Abilify. I'm also on daily Xanax. I'm very much afraid that I won't be able to find medication that actually helps me. My main issues are anxiety/panic attacks/paranoia. I also have visual issues but gotten used to them.
  7. Hello, I just made an account here. It's very bad. I wish I would be exaggerating but the amount of pain I am going through is unbelievable and I simply can't take it anymore. I have had mild HPPD for 2-3 years. It wasn't even that mild but I saw spiritual meaning in it and I actually enjoyed it. Well for the most part. Things got bad 8 months ago when I experienced a huge panic attack on LSD. I had Xanax and that drug literally saved my life that day. But next day I woke up feeling so anxious, hyperaware, it felt like the trip didn't even end. I ended up in the ER a couple days after that since it was either that or suicide. I got diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis and was put on antipsychotics, took them for a month or so and didn't see any improvements, only nasty side effects, so I stopped. Since then it got slightly better. Or at least I think. Well better in that I experience intense episodes less often, but when I do experience them they are as intense as they were on the first day and I simply can't take it anymore. I suffer from visual distortions but at this point it just annoys me and I learned to not pay attention to them. Problems I can't handle are DPDR, paranoia, anxiety, hyperawareness and such. I have irrational fears. I can't handle any amount of stress. I can't work. Luckily my parents are ok with me not working until I get better. Living feels like a punishment. I'm in actual hell. It can't be worse than this. I sleep with the lights on. I have nightmares. I wake up feeling paranoid. I'm so afraid, scared. I'm currently experiencing intense symptoms. I have days where I feel really good but no matter what eventually something triggers my symptoms and I'm left feeling like shit for days. Sometimes I take Xanax, 0.5mg, and it helps. Although when anxiety is really bad it's as if I don't even feel that dose. Sometimes I can go a month without taking it, somethings its 2 times a week. I'm being careful with it. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. When I started writing this my anxiety was over the roof, now I feel better. More relaxed. But It's impossible for me to relax "on will", nothing works. Meditation, breathing, rationally explaining myself that it's okay, nothing. I feel like I have no control at all sometimes. And I'm Antonio, M24. I'm pretty sure that I won't make it. It could take years till I get to a point where I'm able to simply take care of myself. But it's no wonder that I feel the way I do, I abused LSD soo much.
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