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Living with hppd type 1


Jaz
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      Hi, my name is Jaz. When I was 16 I decided to smoke weird with my friends. It was my first time ever. I thought it was going to be relaxing. You know that’s what people described it as. Except that wasn’t the case for me.

     My experience was traumatic. I found my self in a dark place with no sense of who I was, what the world was or anything. Zero memory! It only lasted a couple minutes though. Until finally I was able to realize what was happening. Except everything was repeating. Everything looked like I was in hell basically. I thought I had dried. I couldn’t feel anything like my phone because it just kept repeating. But finally it stopped. Except it didn’t last long. I soon realized I was looping. I was completely fine for a minute and then boom back again. 
        I was unprepared for this. This was not something I even knew was possible. It was so fucken traumatic that I ended up in the hospital 3 times! No doctors were able to help me. They kinda just laughed.

 It finally ended though. I went back to school but I was hit with bad derealization and depersonalization. I was scared. Terrified I didn’t know what was going on! I went to hospitals so many times and they all just kicked me out because I had no insurance.
     Until I just decided to keep going and living my life and my derealization/depersonalization went away I still experience it sometimes. The worst thing to me happened though! I had a flashback of my drug experience. Exactly the same how it felt. The visuals the perception even the feeling in my body! After that I was afraid I would be stuck in it forever. I was afraid I had fucked up my head (btw I don’t do any drugs or drink).

 I went to numerous psychiatrist once I got insurance they all diagnosed me with something different. I was then convinced I had ptsd. I am doing therapy and have been for a while but I still had a flashback recently. I’ve now been diagnosed with hppd. I was told that before but didn’t believe it since I thought hppd was visuals everyday. I don’t have that.
  Anyways I’m now 22 and still struggle with this I feel alone in this. If anyone has gone through this please I beg you please reach out to me. Give me all the advice. Reassure me that I won’t be stuck in this trip forever. 
 

 

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As you have probably seen on here, most people have type 2, but I would imagine the advice works for both (eg, stay sober, try to de-stress, take your mind off it, be wary of anti-depressants and anti-pyschs). 

I would think about keeping a diary of your day to day life, what you eat, what you drink, stressful moments, intense moments (happy or sad) etc etc... This may help you pinpoint triggers for your flashbacks. 

As for being stuck in this trip forever... You have recovered every time, to date, including when you actually took the drugs... So it seems very unlikely that you would ever be stuck or develop type 2 hppd without external stimuli like drugs or meds.

Good luck and welcome.

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On 1/18/2022 at 3:23 PM, Jaz said:

      Hi, my name is Jaz. When I was 16 I decided to smoke weird with my friends. It was my first time ever. I thought it was going to be relaxing. You know that’s what people described it as. Except that wasn’t the case for me.

     My experience was traumatic. I found my self in a dark place with no sense of who I was, what the world was or anything. Zero memory! It only lasted a couple minutes though. Until finally I was able to realize what was happening. Except everything was repeating. Everything looked like I was in hell basically. I thought I had dried. I couldn’t feel anything like my phone because it just kept repeating. But finally it stopped. Except it didn’t last long. I soon realized I was looping. I was completely fine for a minute and then boom back again. 
        I was unprepared for this. This was not something I even knew was possible. It was so fucken traumatic that I ended up in the hospital 3 times! No doctors were able to help me. They kinda just laughed.

 It finally ended though. I went back to school but I was hit with bad derealization and depersonalization. I was scared. Terrified I didn’t know what was going on! I went to hospitals so many times and they all just kicked me out because I had no insurance.
     Until I just decided to keep going and living my life and my derealization/depersonalization went away I still experience it sometimes. The worst thing to me happened though! I had a flashback of my drug experience. Exactly the same how it felt. The visuals the perception even the feeling in my body! After that I was afraid I would be stuck in it forever. I was afraid I had fucked up my head (btw I don’t do any drugs or drink).

 I went to numerous psychiatrist once I got insurance they all diagnosed me with something different. I was then convinced I had ptsd. I am doing therapy and have been for a while but I still had a flashback recently. I’ve now been diagnosed with hppd. I was told that before but didn’t believe it since I thought hppd was visuals everyday. I don’t have that.
  Anyways I’m now 22 and still struggle with this I feel alone in this. If anyone has gone through this please I beg you please reach out to me. Give me all the advice. Reassure me that I won’t be stuck in this trip forever. 
 

 

Read my post, my names Elly

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@Jaz I apologize for interrupting this thread with a question.  I read your post and spent some time thinking about it.  You haven't "fucked up your head".  Based on your post, you seem quite intact and bright.  I think you're doing a lot of good things.  staying sober, seeking medical help, and reaching out to this forum show that you're making a concerted effort to figure out what you're going through.  it sounds like your symptoms come and go.  When you experience them, remember they can't hurt you.  Tell yourself they will pass and try to regain focus by concentrating on something to break through.  Just a suggestion, I'm not in your mind and can only rely on what's helped me.  The fact that you stopped using drugs early is excellent and I suspect your symptoms will reduce over time.  I have full blown type 2 (now that I know what that is) and my symptoms have gotten better over time.  Be patient, it can take a while.  Keep focused on school, work, and the things that make you happy.  Staying focused got me through life so far.  I find it terrible that the medical community treated you in such a disrespectful manner.  I live in the US, and health care is all about money, it's heartless.

Keep posting, you're not alone. 

Take care of yourself. 

Edited by MadDoc
Dyslexia
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