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Fear of developing psychosis


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Hi all,

I've been having a problem as of late. I developed HPPD probably sometime after a trip last year, and although it was initially kind of freaky, I ran with it because it is very mild and doesn't affect me too much. All I ever get is moving text when staring at stuff, blurring and occasional after images. However, in January I had a very bad trip on LSD, and have not felt the same since. During the trip, I essentially became psychotic, had a lot of delusions etc. It left me pretty scarred and I swore of LSD. Then come May I tried a sliver of a tab, and it went alright until I foolishly combined it with weed. Had a full on trip with terrible thoughts.

 

Now it's July, since my trip in January I have moments where I start to freak out for no good reason. Certain words, and other things seem to trigger it : things that remind me of thoughts I had on my trip (which is a lot). Suddenly, my heart starts beating really quick, I get really hot, and almost feel like I'm tripping again. I get worried that I'm going to develop schizophrenia constantly. Sometimes I'll hear a fairly innocuous sound, and it throws me into an anxious loop about starting to hear voices. Or sometimes I'll start to feel like certain things have a special significance to them (which I've heard is a schizophrenia thing). Or I'll feel like I'm losing my mind, and my connection with reality. There are other things, but I can't recall at the moment.

The thing is, I'm able to lead a very normal life day-to-day. I'm not exhibiting any symptoms like social withdraw, poor hygeine, or low motivation (well no more than usual anyways :P). Sometimes I wonder if I'm having poverty of speech, but I've always had trouble expressing myself (likely have aspergers).

TL;DR I am constantly afraid of going psychotic and developing schizophrenia, and I feel it has some connection to my drug use. I really need help with this. I have an appt with a psychiatrist next week and it couldn't come sooner. Does/has anyone else had similar experiences? Is this associated with HPPD rather than psychosis?

Thank you so much for any insights you may have, I really appreciate it.

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It's very unlikely to be psychosis... More likely dr/dr, some ptsd and anxiety/panic attacks. It's a thought that has crossed all of our minds on here, i'm sure... But getting the correct diagnosis is key (even self diagnosis). Especially as anti-pysch meds tend to make hppd worse. 

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That's what I'm starting to think, and it's something that I'm a lot more comfortable with. I ended up looking up something to the effect of "fear of losing my mind" on the web after posting here, and apparently it's not an uncommon anxiety... So that's good. If it's something I can work through it's okay, I just don't want chronic psychosis which would make my life all the more difficult.

Thanks for your response, it's reassuring.

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I'd stop consuming weed.  Around the time I quit dosing it started to give me panic attacks.  Before that time, I used to smoke weed at every opportunity.  I've only smoked a handful of times since.  Each time, I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind.  It's almost like my brain is totally out of my control.  I honestly felt like I had lost it.  Fortunately, it wears off eventually.

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