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A lot of suicidal thoughts as of late

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Well, this is quite hard to write, and I think I'll try to keep it relatively short. 

I've never particularly enjoyed life. Already when I was 3-4 years old I would get depressive episodes. These have followed me throughout my life. As of the last year I haven't found much reason to live, really - I loathe almost everything about the world, and I don't really want to wake up in it. So, naturally my thoughts often came upon suicide. However, it was always more of a thought: "That is always a possibility." Suicidal ideation I think it's called.
Queue my HPPD. So about 2 months ago I got a mild form of HPPD. I have light visual snow and blue field entropic phenomenon and ghosting of white things on dark backgrounds. Sometimes when I'm very tired linear thinking also gets very hard. This I feel was in a way the last straw. Now I feel a lot more suicidal as of late - I didn't enjoy life to begin with, but now it really seems like it's worthless.

I don't know for how long I can handle this world. All I ever really experience is catastrophe. I know people with HPPD can learn to cope, I know you can still live normal lives, and I know some people get better by themselves, but I really can't see myself out of this.

I'm starting to think about killing myself almost every night, and I don't know for how long I can have these thoughts. 

What makes it even harder is the fact that I can't even really get antidepressants because that'll just worsen the HPPD.


I'm thinking of submitting myself to a psychiatric institution just so that I don't take my life and I get help. I feel like im constantly on the edgy of a nervous breakdown. I can't do this. It's not that I want to die, really, but more that I don't want to live like this. I really just can't bring myself to make my family and friends that sad. But, Jesus, I just want all this constant pain to end. 

I really don't know what to do.


Thanks for reading. I just needed to say that.

Edited by Beefheartfan
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Sorry to hear this, most of us here have had this mindset at some point in life.

A few things to note, there are anti depressants to try that are not SSRI that can help. I had some success with both 5HTP and Inositol. It is also worth noting that life can change quite quickly... I had awful depression for the first three years of my hppd but it lifted as I entered my twenties and was like a huge weight off my shoulders... My life is far from perfect, but without depression, I could start getting some enjoyment.

The key to me getting out of my depression seemed to be making a huge change in my life, moving from my home town to a new country and trying to forge a life there from nothing. The challenges kept my mind active and a new scene seemed to relight every part of my life.

Keep on fighting and PM me if you need anything, even just to rant. 

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Surround yourself with those who care about you.  I realize the brain can send constant negative messages to the surface.  There are ways to control these thoughts and keep them from constantly replaying in your mind.

For me, setting goals and working toward them helped a lot.  It kept me focused and kept me from imploding.  When I look back, I feel proud of what I've done and that feels better than any drug ever could.  I'm nobody special, just another human stumbling around.  If I can feel good about my life, anyone can with a little hard work.

I'm not a religious sort, but I think it's a miracle that we're the matter that woke up to experience whatever "this" is.  We're here for a very short time.  You're not only matter, YOU matter.

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