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Suicide. One day...


Kellen
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I know this sounds horrible but I'm actually making peace with the fact that I know that's how I'm going to die. By my own hand or doing. I know one day I will have reached my limit of what I can handle. As bad as it is I'm still here. I'm still functioning on some basic level. But it's not looking good for me. I still see my self deteriorating mentally and physically. I'm bitter. I hate that I'm like this. I've done nothing to deserve this. I cry and scream. And I can accept where I am. But I can not accept this as my life. As the rest of my "life". If it doesn't improve, If I don't gain some resemblance of reality back. Of how to function, then I know in time I will put an end to it. And it kinda brings me comfort knowing I can make all of this stop.

I'd feel bad for my friends and family. I have a lot of people who love me. But this cross is too hard to bare. Im here but not really here anyway. And I do suffer. DAILY.

It's not about giving up hope. It's about having realistic expectations. I don't expect to get better. Only to get worse like I have been. But I'll hold off until I can't take it anymore. Until it becomes too much. Whenever that may be.

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I used to feel like this..... 100%

 

I packed up my bags and travelled. It changed me from someone suicidal, hateful and full of self loathing into someone who was positive, empathetic and driven to do something with my life.

 

Maybe it could help you too? Surely worth a try?

 

I still suffer every day, really quite badly... But now have enough coping mechanisms to get to the next day and even take some enjoyment out of life.

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I felt the exact same even a few months ago. I was extremely suicidal, thought about it all day long and even got to a point where I was planning it. I'm no longer in this state of mind because I decided I was going to do whatever I could to help myself though I'll openly admit I still struggle with suicidal thoughts here and there when I'm feeling really down. I think this is only natural given our circumstances. This is just about as ugly of a condition as you could think up and the fact there's seemingly no medication or research or help of any kind makes it all the more unbearable. 

 

That said, there's always hope. Nothing ever stays the same. It's important to remember this: Just because you are this way now doesn't mean you'll be this way tomorrow, or a week from now or a year from now. In fact, quite the opposite. The one universal law of nature is that everything changes. The human body and psyche are no different. 

 

What's helped me get out of this place is a combination of different lifestyle changes, most notably diet and living environment. I'm not doing a paleo diet which has actually helped my symptoms quite a bit. I've only been on it about five weeks but it's working. I also moved back home with my parents which isn't ideal but given my situation has helped me to become less depressed as I have people to talk to every day when I get home. Additionally I got a different job that keeps me busy and at the same time doesn't give me the same anxiety I would if I had to interact with people all day long. I've also sought out all sorts of different antidepressants, vitamins, minerals, etc., that have helped me. 

 

Clearly you are depressed and if you are not on an antidepressant then that should be your first option. Don't go the traditional SSRI route, however. There are plenty of other natural antidepressants that are just as powerful without the side effects and possibility of exacerbating symptoms.

 

I've dug really deep into all this stuff and am better because of it, so I'd encourage you to DM me if you'd like more detailed info. But trust me, I've been where you are and I know how it feels and I also know you can get better. It just takes a lot of time and energy and effort. Eventually you'll start feeling better. It's inevitable as long as you keep trying. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I remember feeling that way for years. I wish I could've slapped myself out of it. Trust me. You won't feel the same way later. That being said I do sympathize with you.

Keep looking for any kind of relief from your anxiety and depression. Once those are under control you can appreciate life. You can also pm me whenever you want

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