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HPPD held us back?


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Had HPPD 20 years and largely managed to cope and function without meds, etc.

But one of the main things I think about every single day is - would my life have been different? What if I hadn't had this huge paranoid burden growing up as a teenager?

Would I have done a different job, met different girls, been to different places?

Does this shit even lower our IQ?

I've always tried to console myself in the belief that if I hadn't taken acid, maybe I would've gone on to take heroin and ended up with even worse drug related problems.

But I still constantly wonder how different life may have been had I never got HPPD.

I have an ok life these days and have a lot to be thankful for, but HPPD is with me every day and I still think about this stuff all the time.

Just wondered if anyone else was thinking the same

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of course its lowering the intelligence (not necessarily the iq)...its kind of rough to live a whole life with this debilitating condition...im so sorry for you...my hppd left me after about 4 1/2  month but it almost led me to suicide...i just have to deal with almost constant exhaustion, concentration issues and rarely anxiety...but its the same for me..i still ask myself what would i be now if i wouldnt have taken an overdose of 8g of mushrooms at the beginning of this year...sometimes i think i destroyed all my life..but other times i come to the conclusion that i would still take various drugs like crazy...anyway its not fair..im now in a position where i realized that im just waiting to die...since nothing out there could make me happy anymore..not even drugs...i hate myself

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I try to focus on the positives.... I am more empathetic with people, less arrogant, more into nature and helping wildlife..... Also... less likely to get addicted to heroin and stuff, less likely to go to jail or die... A road I was definitely on, pre hppd.

 

Of course, I think about the person I could be, without hppd... But try not to dwell on it. My only huge regret is that my wife has never been with me when I haven;t had this disorder.... I would just love 1 year without hppd, so we could just be a happy, normal couple.

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I'm with Jay. We all wonder. It's only natural. But you'll never know. Maybe life would have been great. Maybe you would have won the Lottery. Maybe you would have been hit by a train after partying too hard one night. Life is nothing more than a series of infinite possibilities. To speculate about one is pointless. Why not make the most out of what you've been given, and all the infinite possibilities that await you every day of your life? 

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i would like to think this way...but life has only negative possibilities left for me...i mean i dont wonder around all day what i could have been without this shit..but everything i do ends up in negativity...where is all the happiness gone, its impossible to enjoy life for me and my perspective is not responsible for that cause i always try to think positive otherwise i wouldnt be around anymore. im sure life has to be more fun and exciting..but it is no more..and seems that it will never be again....useless to look forward to something.

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I was stuck in that mindset for around 3 years too, then it started to dissipate and the fog lifted. I still had full blown hppd, but something switched in my mind and allowed me to started getting my life back.

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And that's how I felt for 3 years... Time doesn't heal everything, but it can work wonders on your mindset. Of course, everyone is different, but I have chatted to alot of long termers on here and the 2-3 year point seems to be a key point where acceptance sets in and somehow helps

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Jay, as a fellow long timer, did your visuals improve over time? I feel I've come to terms with most of the other aspects of HPPD ... but still live in hope of one day having "normal" vision.

Mine improved in some ways (no longer see stuff moving/melting as much) but snow never improved, and a weird sort of "flickering" effect I get.

I've been a total idiot this year as I took cocaine a couple of times - and think it may have aggravated things a bit. Got a bit too confident with my "recovery" I guess.

Anyway I'm 35 now ... and it started at 14, so I guess I should expect it to be with me forever.

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Did you ever try Inositol, trip? I just ordered some more... It definitely helped my mood during some of my darker times.

 

I know you are against meds, but something like Pregabalin could also really help the anxiety... I know David, the forum owner, also found it really helpful for brain fog and dp/dr and it has a minimal side effect profile.

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It has certainly held me back academically, well considering I have 2 other conditions that also affect academic performance (shcizoaffective disorder and panic disorder) so I can't put all the blame on HPPD, but it certainly has played a part. Every one of my disorders hit me hard this quarter and it shows in my grades.

 

However, after I started medication (lamotrigine and clonazepam), the brain fog went away almost completely. I went from an IQ of ~115 to ~136 (which is in the range it was before) after I started medication. However, since both medicines "slow down the brain" (my psychiatrist's words), it takes me longer to come to an answer, which kind of screwed me in regards to time constrained tests you encounter in the academic world.

 

So, I'd say it has held me back somewhat, but it hasn't completely ruined my life.

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I often wonder too How my life would be without this 24/7. If I could go to school, read a book, comprehend, understand and learn. If I could feel my real emotions. If I could re pattern my thinking out of the mess it is now. Who would I be? I've been that person before and he is awesome. He is special. But I'm not him anymore. I mean he's in me but he's buried.

If I ever get out of this and find peace of mind I'm going to pack up, travel the world on my own and try every new thing I can to make up for the stagnation. It's like life in limbo having this shit. One day...

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Did you ever try Inositol, trip? I just ordered some more... It definitely helped my mood during some of my darker times.

 

I know you are against meds, but something like Pregabalin could also really help the anxiety... I know David, the forum owner, also found it really helpful for brain fog and dp/dr and it has a minimal side effect profile.

 

no i didnt try it i didnt have enough money the last 2 moth cause i had to buy the extraction eqipment for my project..but i will in the following month...

 

and im not against medication but against chemicals...i would even take tramal if it helps since its been discovered in nature..

 

these days im actually fucked up due to my high awareness of everything around and within me...i guess there is nothing out there that helps against awareness

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow. I got.. teary reading your post. I wasn't expecting to be emotional here but your words spoke to my recent thinking I was maybe even too afraid to ask myself. I have been wondering the exact same since learning more about this and speaking with a psychiatrist for the first time just last week. (Haven't mentioned hppd but the thinking of my childhood and past has been prevalent ). I have had all aggressive symptoms of HPPD at least as early as 5-6?years (that I can remeber) so really I don't know a life without it. I was always healthy other than some anxiety disorders (ocd 7-13 years, and adhd 7- present). Neither were ever treated medically (family of such avoidance of mental disturbance ). But yes, I've always wondered if the HPPD was a trigger for this (which I only learned of much much later as an adult) particularly for the adhd in its common relation to distraction and the adhd being linked to the childhood anxiety disorder/ocd. Back then (1990s) I doubt anyone new of it and my descriptions of the distortion were views as healthy imagination (and in jr high school of course i was the enlightened aura and all particle seeing psychic to the universe I thought).

Here it is, tho: A) life wouldn't be different because life is here what it is and this is you as you have been. We could both beat our heads against the fuzzy wall of after images but what good would it do usm And B.) HPPD is NOT solely germane to drug use. There are MANY people and children who have never taken any drugs (I'm the shy nerd vegan who barely drinks and never even tried pot) who have lived their whole lives knowing nothing else. Some just assume all see just as such (I know I did for a long time) and just become the annoying guy for the optometrist or doctor to assume is lying about either a psychosis or drug use they haven't experienced. It is theororized that those drug users with the he condition may have already had it to some degree (or even fully) and didn't realize until the psychedelic experience 'awoke' these pathways and prove impossible to ignore long after the drug has left the system. I can tell you how very very easy it is to ignore when you aren't aware of the disorder and grow up striving to both live and assume normality in society. I can only imagine how hard it is for people who attain this after otherwise healthy vision and how unsettling must be. I don't know what the experience of healthy vision is and perhaps this is why I am not encumbered really much at all by hppd until recently in my continuation this may had something to do with my early childhood adhd, anxiety disorder and depression which I have credited to pretty much ruining me.

C: Please don't penalize yourself for past drug use as I am sure you are aware is not healthy. You may have gotten the symptoms eventually, and even if not- how could you have known at the time while taking it this would happen?

Life is what we make it. It could had been different, and so could today. The past doesn't exist in preswnt reality any more than tomorrow does. Today could be shit or today could be the best day of our lives, and that has f--- all nothing to do with whether or not we have HPPD or not.

So love yourself, friend. I won't tell you to learn to love or even accept HPPD , but love and accept yourself as you are right now. Even the stuff you've done and the challenges you live with today.

That's not me trying to be some tape coach cheerleader or anything. That's just the reality of it and the only damn way to live really without going bat-shit crazy.

Sorry for rambling on (adhd perhaps I have to learn to accept too). Thank you for sharing about this. It means a lot that someone else had these questions. I do wonder. And you aren't alone. Be well. Love and best to you. ♡♡♡

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