disguyhere

tears..pain..and death aka, how every season ends .. cept more tears on my end. and yeaaaaaah obsession since i got introduced before season 3.. the last few episodes have been mind blowing television. last 2 episodes especially. cranston may not have taken the best actor win this year but he will next for sure. glad the show won best drama though. for a serious prediction of the end, <spoilerish.. dont read if you havent watched to this season)... .. .. .. .. walt shows up, leaves his old company a parting gift.. storms the nazi compound... sees jesse.. debates saving jesse.. todd interupts and kills walt but gets all depressed because he idolized walt... jesse gets a gun and kills todd.. grabs the ar15 and mows down the rest of the nazis.. gets away and flash to a few years later.. jesse looks broken but alive... walking down street somewhere in belize.. being followed by tall white guy with uber blonde hair from the euro faction lydia works for... end show as long as they dont end it with jesse turning to walt and asking if he wants some ice cream bitch.. <fuck dexter for wasting 8 years of my life>

i do that all the time etardnow.. been doing photography for a few years now. i find that some of the side effects of my former acid use have made me a natural at photography as i can visualize changes i make in my camera within my head... but no matter what, the pictures i take are never going to match the image i see. only the framing and composition will match, not the details. I find all aspects of photography help me though. understanfing how a camera works helps you relate to the hppd and the damage done to our visual processing.... we are all like broken dslrs. the lens may be perfect, but the sensor and or image processor is fucked. however to me with some software hacking we can still take great pictures... just maybe with a bit more infrared included in the sensor, and a little distortion along the edges.

imiprimin I take for my stomach. it's a strong antidepressant in a small dose. It helps keep my stress levels down to a reasonable point to avoid triggering my ibs. it also has some of the least side effects of anti depressants and has been in use for i believe 20 years. definitely screws with me less than lexipro did

hey jimmy.. as someone in and out of the same mindset often if you need to talk drop me a line.. best thing we all can do for each other is to reach out when one of us is getting near bottom. sometimes all it takes is talking to someone else and getting things out to get through the lows

well i definitely remember that my vision wasnt as animated as it is now. i used to be able to see textures that didnt move.. or look at objects without distortion or halos. problem is it is all in your head. not in the way you're saying though. it all comes down to your perception of the world, and the perception you have now is the perception you more readily recall to memory making it difficult to see the past through any lenses other than those you use now. when I have memories of my past play out in my head they're all super stylized like the scene would have been if i experienced it during the worst of the trips ive had in the past. my vision isnt all that has changed, my entire perception of the world and my place in it has.

i imagine alot of people are still in the "i just dont know how to talk about these things wrong with me" phase too. Had this site been around 7-8 years ago I probably still wouldnt have been able to comment about my hppd at the time. it was only in the past few years I became able to talk about it, even with friends who were there with me on the night things all went wrong for me. edit:: and synth... part of the reason for that is if you use google it will always bring up relevancy ratings of websites you've previously visited when searching similar sites. especially if you've visited frequently. Thats why sometimes when you google something after just having recently viewed something else, you get wierdly related results making it feel like the world is strangely too connected. well that and good old fashion paranoia

the "vortex" is omnipresent for me. mostly because i've used it to focus my cevs for the past few years. it gets even more "entertaining" the more you observe it. moving your eyes in relation to the center of the vortex and focusing on certain aspects of it produces different effects. some of those make cev's stronger some make it taper off and bring about temporary black. The only danger involved is that you always take the risk of making yourself more susceptible to seeing them without the effort. it takes a lot of experimentation to figure out what interactions cause what changes in the "ether" and during that experimentation theres always the risk of making things worse rather then better as far as why touching the eyes triggers the cevs.. theres a lot of discussion that it triggers "phosphenes" to fire off http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phosphene but theres a debate that phosphenes even exist or not. thing is it doesnt take hppd to get cevs when pressing your eyes, so theres something physical going on there regardless

where are all the mods? I havent seen an admin or mod on in weeks. This badvertisement shit needs to stop :\

wish i had an answer for you but the only sleep I get anymore is when i take ambien which i cant let myself do nightly. nights i dont, i dont sleep period. a friend of mine though who no longer has the benefit of being able to smoke himself to sleep and has no insurance to be able to go to a doctor and get ambien.. he's lately made strides by taking kava kava extract and filling empty pill gel caps with them. he says 1 pill is usually enough to make him feel like what he imagines normal to feel like for at least a few hours. even then though his sleep habits are nothing to get overly excited about but hes having more luck with the kava than without. all i can suggest is try sleeping the way we're intended to naturally.. twice per day. get the few hours you can at night and where you can squeeze it in during the day try to get another 2-3 hours. i somehow have more luck sleeping middle of the day after drinking a red bull then i do trying to sleep at night. when i can squeeze in an hour or two during the day i usually get better sleep at night, though lately doesnt really work either way

i havent seen a mod or admin on in days. I've been reporting him left or right. Thinking its more than just spam though, likely a trojan installer if you click on any of the links.

snappy snippy prone to quick argument.. etc.. at least from what i've notice.

dude.. you're allowed to believe anything you want in this world but if your reaction to even polite criticism is that kind of insult, you're never going to win support for your ideas. i dont know what you think is ignorant in what i said. you got yourself here did you not? also if you look back in history do you not see many many many situations where a doctor tested shit out on themselves (a doctor. someone with training even) and the end result was making it worse. not saying you can't find a way to make it "better".. but if you talk of a cure you better be able to take some feedback because it's a bold statement to make. i know hppd can make us all snappy and prone to comments like this so i'm going to give you a pass still in my book. im not saying your ideas are faulty or wrong.. im just saying if your going to talk about something like fixing yourself, you need to be willing to take criticism . discoveries arent made by being propped up by people that buy into every word you say. They are made by fighting back against the people who told you it's impossible, and you're wrong, and blah blah blah. dont be so quick to dismiss the naysayers cause they could be the ones that help you get to the solution in the end

self medication got you here.. if you really think its going to get you out of here go right ahead but if history is any indication its not gonna go as well as you think

likewise with the school here.. i had to stop taking classes because no matter what i would start nodding off within minutes of the class starting... the worst was a calc 3 class i took with a teacher i swear could have been a body double and voice double for howie mandel . every damn class within 5 minutes i was zoned out. i had the same problem with large meetigns at my job before i started taking a more active role in those meetings. i blamed it for the longest time on lots of people in enclosed area breathing and building up carbon dioxide .. but no.. was just boring as hell and my brain would shut off. damn shame you cant bottle boring or we'd all have a cure for our insomnia

for fucks sake spammer nobody is buying your shit.. just go away

i dont want to sound like the doubter but it sounds more to me like you had an underlying issue that weed exacerbated and not particularly hppd... i know that pot is stronger than it used to be even 10 years ago but i have a very hard time believing a single use, even if laced with something which doesnt happen as often as the urban myths would have you believe, would cause a permanent or even semi permanent disorder like hppd. bring something out that was always there.. yes. cause enough damage to permanently change your brain with one use. i just dont see that happening. i dont want to sound like im doubting you have these issues or anything like that because i know how being on the receiving end of that feels, but to me it sounds more likely that you need to follow up with neurologist to track down other potential issues. there are things like floaters and even schizophrenia which pot can make you notice where you wouldnt have noticed it before. but there is nothing in the chemistry of marijuana that should be able to cause long term damage with one use. it takes years upon years of constant usage for it to start should up as a melange of lingering chemicals within your fat cells. a single use of marijuana and any chemicals it put into your system are out within i believe 18 days max. unless your brain was already chemical offset then there should be no way that a single use caused hppd. the idea of that to me is like trying to tell me the movie reefer madness is the total truth. again. im not trying to say you have nothing wrong with you, or that talking to the guys here couldnt even help you as we're all in a similar boat whether its hppd or something else. i just personally think hppd is not the case here and that you have to watch in that self diagnosing that or accepting that as the case because the symptoms match, that you limit yourself from possibly being able to solve the problems with proper treatment that relates to the real issues at hand. there are many neurological issues out there with overlapping symptoms, and even if you think to yourself "but i was completely fine before i touched marijuana so that has to be the cause" .. keep this in mind. The mind that is diseased cannot diagnose itself. The world you live in is normal to you. Only by changing that world view, often times by the introduction of drugs, do you ever notice that something was wrong to begin with. A schizophrenic does not know he has a problem because to him it is real. Until that person is treated with medication that helps offset the damaged chemistry they have no way of knowing something is schizophrenia related when the people around them may. That's why so many end up dropping off the medication, because to them being on that medication now makes them different from the reality they knew. To them being on medication is the damage. So yeah... All i'm saying here is i wouldnt point to hppd as being the cause here until you rule out issues that may have existed beforehand. if the cause were something with more psyechedlic or hallucinogenic properties like acid mdma or shrooms... or even coke. something that can cause a permanent change in brain chemistry in a single use, it would be a completely different story to me, but contrary to what most government propaganda would have people believe, marijuana just doesnt cause that kind of damage in one use. in fact most studies now show if anything it prevents that kind of damage,caused from other sources, from being permanent. Which is along the lines of why i feel there may have been something underlying that the marijuana caused you to become aware of and was not caused by the marijuana in and of itself.

id really like some of those dogs.. fricken spammers

at the very least if not heightened then altered... but the truth is we all see the world differently regardless.. no 2 people see things the exact same way so everyones perception is altered in some way, it's just general consensus which marks something as real or not. the best we can ever hope to do towards learning where our senses take us is constant experimentation.. you look at everything possible with every angle possible, and eventually you gain a consensus. works the same for a large group of people as it would a single person. just comes down to time and experience.. but as you said. theres no "real self" to return to. we are who we are, regardless of what our brains are doing right or wrong.. everyone has highs and lows and no single person i know sees the world in a perfectly rosy light anymore. the sooner we all accept ourself for all our strengths and flaws the sooner we get on with living our lives

im not gonna jump in on either side of this debate.. but i'd suggest if you want people to take you seriously qaiphyx, that you be careful not to insult the people you want to engage in civil debate with. you gotta know you have theories that sound far off center. i'm in the same exact boat as you as far as my own personal theories go. but any time you cross the line from understanding that it is a theory, to pushing it as truth or fact... and then throw out a comment that can be construed as insulting even if not intended as such.. its going to make people not take you as seriously which is a shame because when it comes to the brain we need more people who think from left field. otherwise we will never understand the ways the brain really works.

the one thing to consider about hppd as an advanced/altered form of vision... nothing in the brain that exists, does so outside of the the limitations of the brains ability to discern stimuli. whether the brain is functioning properly or improperly, everything it produces is the result of stimuli in one form or another. the fact is we are not capable of discerning all of the stimuli our brains pick up subconsciously. if we could we would be overwhelmed and cower in a corner in fear. there are environmental signals and details that we are incapable of focusing on because we actually perceive such a narrow band of the universe (let alone the extremely narrow band we actually see in focus out of the wide angle view our eyes appear to focus on), but our subconsciousness relies on these things to perform the thousands of automated tasks that occur on a daily basis. whether or not this means hppd=seeing ghosts or some crap like that isnt what I'm getting at, but we simply do not know enough about the brain or the universe in general to discount any of the things that occur in our brains as purely a product of a misfiring neuron. it's easy to point at a schizophrenic and say their brain chemistry is the cause of their split from "reality", but since we really cant explain reality past the limitations of our consciousness, how can we say for sure that at some level what that person is experiencing isnt reality for them. it's a tough pill for some people to swallow as an idea, yet at the same time evolution was a tough pill for the majority to swallow just an insignificant blink in cosmic timescale ago. say tomorrow a human developed the ability to "see" magnetic fields in the same way a pigeon can. wouldnt the majority of people probably say that person is crazy before neuro-sciences caught up with what was going on? doesnt need to be anything new age about it when science is doing more to disprove reality then any faery dancing in the forest ever could ( to answer the last part of ur question though...I see shadow people and blakc masses of ....cloud.. all the time.. whether product of my mind or product of reality my mind is just now able to percieve can be debated 10 ways till sunday.. doesnt stop me from seeing them and doesnt stop the intense feeling of "otherness" I get when I do. I've had a black man sit at the corner of my bed crouching japanese ganster style stare at me for an hour once before I was physically able to move and mentally able to stop myself from giving it the attention it was clearly after )

etardnow... i absolutely hate the fluid text crap. i already had a bit of dyslexia beforehand anyways but i've always still been able to understand anything even if i cant see it in the correct order. past few years though its gotten to the point text appears to be floating above my screen, and let's say I have something with a series of the same letter or symbol like /////// it will actually look like /\/\/\/\ to me. pain in the ass when you're dealing with code all day but like you said. i just power through what I have to write and then deal with rereading it afterwards. gotta trust my instincts more then anything

i cant see why hppd would interfere with your playing of the piano so you should be ok. if anything you are correct in the assumption that keeping yourself occupied should help. and especially with music, thats something that already helps our brains adjust to different things, and combined with a slightly different world view due to the hppd may help you to find a more unique voice through your music. and just to clarify how it can "help" you in situations requiring concentration/visualization , i dont think any of the coding and design work I have to do on a daily basis would be possible for someone who didnt have the strengths I have with visualization that trying to overcome hppd has given me. i can see the code i need to right as i'm in meetings discussing a final product thats barely in a design phase. and i imagine with music it would be quite similar for you. being able to mentally fill your headspace with the music you need to play before playing it. just keep yourself focused and busy and it wont control your life

i think really this forum is going to be one of your best sources of information straight from those going through it. the only thing i can say about doctors and treatment.... it may take some time for you to find something that works for you.. some of the people here have had luck, others havent, and some like me are too burned out on the medical industry in general to try until theres more concrete successes on something i think most of us are here because of choices to take hallucinogens either too frequently or some just once or twice. i think also some of us are more predisposed to hppd due to other undiagnosed issues. it almost seems like a random crapshoot kind of thing but the more you read on our shared experiences the more you see similarities that would lead us all to this place. either way good luck to you. if it doesnt get better at least know you're not alone, and if it does get better then just keep off the shit that got you here and be patient. the swings can suck and the loss of traction in processing reality can be hard to deal with.. but you're not alone. thats all that really matters in the end

the funny thing synth is while theres not 1 particular book or study i'd assign the formation of my "beliefs" to.. there are literally thousands that have contributed. from fiction to recent works on quantum physics.. i bring up the john dies at the end books as an example of the fiction.. and (trying to remember the guys name) some recent published works on lei 8 theory and what things like that and holographic theory, and the discovery of the higgs mean for our physical world. but the biggest contributor to my thoughts was the 2nd or 3rd time i took ambien.... and i took too long to fall asleep and ended up opening my eyes in the middle of the upswing .... my room was filled with thousands upon thousands of geometric bubbles sandwiched against each other like cubes, but warped in a way thats really hard to explain.. and inside the bubbles was floating a cloud of black energy.. and the cloud seemingly reacted to my will. wherever i would place my attention the cloud would migrate, and wherever the cloud migrated the size of the bubble underneath would grow or shrink in relation. it only took me a few minutes of staring in wonder at this to realize that mentally i was projecting my understanding of a higgs field and quantum theory into this hallucination that the ambien was causing me. but then it got weirder (yes yes i know.. how could one possibly say that after that last paragraph). over the next few weeks I started to be able to see hints of this field without taking ambien.. primarily the black mass and not the bubbles, but they were still there as well.. and the black mass was more and more reacting to my attention, and seemingly demonstrating a will of it's own. now i know full well this was a hallucination, but once again i point out that we as a species have no idea what a hallucination really is yet. We dont know whether its all internal or a reaction to external stimuli that we normally do not perceive. so it leaves you with 2 options. explore or seek to undo. In this case I explored, and I began to put more attention towards the black mass, and it in turn responded to me. And whether the thought came from in my head or from outside, after a few more experiences with the black mass I was left with the very simple thought. Form requires function. Function seeks form. Imagine if you will an existence inside of what seems like a void. You have no senses as there is nothing to sense. Everything is equally spread out, distributed, and interacts with nothing else around, so theres no reason to believe there is anything there. And then one day theres something different. A tug, a change in light, something different then the nothing you experienced until that point.. What would happen to you and your existence? You would seek that something different. It would be as automatic as particles attracting and repelling. The current "understanding" of the higgs field is that there are two components. The field itself, comprised of bosons that never interact with each other and the energy that dictates the eventual spin direction proscribed to the boson which in turn creates a resulting particle. The energy does not interact with the boson. Nothing does. It is the direction and amount of energy within the component higgs "bubble" that dictates the resulting particle the higss forms. But what drives that energy to flow in the directions it does and to bind itself so tightly around a boson that it without direct interaction can influence the boson to change it's nature... attention. Attention makes the quantum world go round. I know that humanizing the behavior of a particle may sound silly but, again, think of it from the standpoint of that energy. Strip away all the humanistic qualities I mentioned and simply think of it in terms of nothing versus something. If all there is is an even field of nothing, and suddenly there was something else there, nature dictates there will be an attraction to that something. The higgs boson is form at it's barest root. With no interaction possible with anything else, but yet a clearly defined capability to achieve function. Form requires function... And the energy that drives the higgs to change only exists as function. Ever flowing ever moving, originally equally spread amongst the medium that binds this and any level of the universe above us. Not being able to interact with anything but itself but clearly compelled to seek a different anything... Function seeks Form. and I've rambled now way too much about a concept that would make most people roll their eyes

i get this often when trying to sleep.. aside from "shadow people" type shite where the shadows start seeming to peel off the walls, I get the feeling of being in like an operating room, surrounded by a gallery of individual entities with no form, all staring at me and discussing me, or in some cases seemingly screaming at me to get my attention, but with me unable to fully heart or comprehend them. not sure how much this has to do with hppd vs the nature of reality.. people who suffer sleep paralysis often feel the whole operating room thing, which has been tied to the increased frequency of alien abduction experiences. .. is it something really going on outside of the spectrum of stimuli we can interpret or is it all in our heads.. hard to say since if it is outside our spectrum theres no way to prove it's really there. in my experience though.. i feel like there is something there.. there is something that "wants" our attention on it because in the world of physics attention is a requisite for particles to become physical and existent. To me it makes sense that something which is composed of energy on a different wavelength to us, would possibly require the attention of something outside it's own wavelength to allow it to "exist" .. function craves form and form seeks to return to function.. that is the nature of the universe. the higgs becomes particles only when observed, particles exist in specific places only when observed, if there is a natural universal constant that exists that gives all things in nature the will or desire to be observed, then to me it makes sense that things that exist as energy (of which the vast majority of the universe exists outside of a spectrum we can percieve and in some vast form of energy we cant comprehend).. would seek out that attention as well.. not to humanize a particle or some shit like that, but the concept is the same and is proving more and more true in modern physics. The quantum world seeks attention to validate it's existence. Who are we to say that this idea stops on the quantum level.