Can I have HPPD with no visuals?

[julianesswhatamess]

Hi!

I'm trying figure out if I have HPPD. The worst part of my issues started in February 2020. The crucial factor was a cocktail that I drank and that had a very extreme and sudden effect on me. Since that day I have had severe concentration issues, memory issues (especially my short-term memory), mental blocks, and my ability to learn is severely limited.
I also felt like my entire perception and awareness were disturbed and I wasn't really 'there', or felt like stuck on a drug or in a dream, and a strong emotional numbness (DR). I had problems feeling my feelings and emotions intensely, especially happiness and positive feelings. It was like a blockage that made me be unable to feel that. I also had panic attacks and nightmares for several months.

8 years ago I had a drug experience with ecstasy (it was my first and only experience with it) at a festival where I had a bad trip and then suffered from long-term effects (I had panic attacks/flashbacks months afterwards, (but no visuals), and my OCD that I had as a child came back (also, I was struggling with my receptiveness at the time too).
Ich chose to take SSRI, which actually made those problems go away, and stopped taking them about year after. Even without them I was very well and without any symptoms or problems, so it seemed like they “healed” me, until the incident in 2020.

Since having this ecstasy experience, I have become extremely sensitive to caffeine and other mind-altering substances as well. Even a small sip of coke or green/black tea gives me panic attacks and worsens my OCD and anxiety for the long term, like I can't 'come down' from it and my metabolism can't process it and get back to normal.

I had similar experiences with marijuana when I tried it a few times (I've never excessively used drugs, it was just a few isolated experiences), which is why I haven't tried drugs since then.

However, until 2020, there was never a problem when I drank alcohol, and then it happened there too.

That one cocktail changed my whole life and now I don't know what I should do. I've already been to neurologists, psychiatrists, and doctors in Germany, had my blood tested, had MRI's and EEG's done and I'm going to a therapist, but so far nobody has been able to tell me what's wrong with me or help me. In 2021 I took antidepressants again for 6 months to see if this time they also help to improve my receptivity again and for the period that I took them they actually helped (at least with some of the problems). However, after stopping, my problems came back.

Within the last 2 years, luckily, the DR got much better and I don't feel as anxious anymore, but I'm still having that extreme brain fog, concentration issues, memory issues, and my learning ability is super limited. It takes me hours to read something, listen to my audiobook or even watch a netflix show and I have to repeat it over and over but I'm still nit able to "save" it in my head.

I'm having no visuals, and never had any, can this still be HPPD?

 

Edited March 3, 2023 by julianesswhatamess

[cosmiccharlie]

Hello, 

     I'm sorry to hear about your issues.  It seems like you tolerate SSRIs reasonably well.  I also have OCD and have been on an SSRI for almost 5 years.  I am not a doctor but if something works why stop it?  That's how I approach the meds in my life.  For a long time I was worried that they were changing me in some undesirable way but as I honestly reflect on these past 5 years they have provided significant stability in my thinking and greatly reduced my OCD symptoms.  Do you have HPPD?  Maybe... it's impossible to know at this stage in the medical communities understanding of the condition.  However, I have found that either way, acceptance, meditation and self love have helped me get my life back.  I now lead a challenging, fulfilling and joyful life with various mental conditions.  A book that has helped me greatly is called Radical Acceptance, I highly recommend it.  It was brought to my attention by my OCD therapist actually in addition to the author's technique called RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture/Nourish). 

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990

https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Take Care,

Nick 

[Jay1]

By definition, if you don't have visuals, you don't have hppd.

But my view is that hppd is a collection of issues anyway. Visuals, dpdr, anxiety, depression etc that have been brought on by drug use. So even if the hppd definition is not strictly correct for you, I am sure all the info you find on here will be of use.

[julianesswhatamess]

On 3/3/2023 at 6:20 AM, cosmiccharlie said:

Hello, 

     I'm sorry to hear about your issues.  It seems like you tolerate SSRIs reasonably well.  I also have OCD and have been on an SSRI for almost 5 years.  I am not a doctor but if something works why stop it?  That's how I approach the meds in my life.  For a long time I was worried that they were changing me in some undesirable way but as I honestly reflect on these past 5 years they have provided significant stability in my thinking and greatly reduced my OCD symptoms.  Do you have HPPD?  Maybe... it's impossible to know at this stage in the medical communities understanding of the condition.  However, I have found that either way, acceptance, meditation and self love have helped me get my life back.  I now lead a challenging, fulfilling and joyful life with various mental conditions.  A book that has helped me greatly is called Radical Acceptance, I highly recommend it.  It was brought to my attention by my OCD therapist actually in addition to the author's technique called RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture/Nourish). 

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990

https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Take Care,

Nick 

Hi Nick! 

Thank you so much for your help. I think I'm going to try taking the SSRI again. I think it will really help me again. And thank you for the book recommendation!

[Spartan]

My understanding is that there is another name for hppd and that is:

"acute hallucinogen induced psychosis"

I would have thought if someone doesn't have visuals then they don't have hppd because hppd is a disorder of perception or a perceptual disorder.

Though as Jay 1 says 

Primarily you have the visual  symptoms

The the non visual consisting of

DP DR, anxiety, panic, depression etc 

 

[Spartan]

All the best with ssris. Unfortunately this is something that I definitely cannot tolerate having hppd.