Help me please, urgently

[JRossR7]

long story short i got hppd back in 2019 from using lsd once. went through all the motions and managed to beat it and got used to it after 6 months. stupidly done cocaine 3-4 times over 3 years and noticed that i mightve made it ever so slightly worse whereas sometimes it didnt affect me. recently done coke twice in october and now my visual snow is on every single surface, i cant unsee it. auditory hallucinations have started as well, its not schizo as i have spoken with others who experience the exact same thing as me... brain chatter at night and in the morning and ill usually always have a song going through my head all throughout the day. 

its getting unbearable, for the last 3 weeks ive thought about suicide everyday... ive reached out to specialists in the uk but havent heard back... worried ive fucked my life up. I got through this the first time and was enjoying every aspect of life and now im back in this hole and dont see a way out. pls help

[cosmiccharlie]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.  All I can offer is the hope that it will get better.  One foot in front of the other, you will make it through.  There are and will be low points and that's okay, not losing hope is the key.  I was in your shoes at one point and now I have my life back and it's better than I could have imagined.  You're welcome to send me a private message and maybe we can set up a WhatsApp call.  

Take Care,

Nick 

[JRossR7]

I had my full life back and barely noticed my HPPD anymore but I just want to kill myself so so badly to get away from this pain. Why did I do drugs again? I feel like bursting into tears right now. I want to live so badly but I might just end it today. I feel like there’s no hope for me. 

[cosmiccharlie]

Where there is life, there is hope.  It's hard to see that sometimes.  I also made a mostly full recovery and did drugs again and it set me back.  But afterwards I eventually recovered despite some dark days in which I too considered ending it.  I'm glad I didn't because today I have two beautiful girls and a job I love.  The offer stands to talk on WhatsApp if you think it would help.  

Hang in there,

Nick 

[JRossR7]

Wow that sounds magical. I would love to have a family. I’ve just been on the phone with Samaritans trying to keep myself alive. I want to believe it’s just a flare up and time will heal it again but it’s so hard to get through each day at the minute. What drugs did you do and how much worse did you make it? 

[cosmiccharlie]

I had originally contracted HPPD from excessive use of LSD.  I used large doses a few times maybe 1000ug one night in 2008.  I then eventually realized I would have to stop or my life would never amount to much.  I abstained for about 8 years and then ended up in a difficult situation in which mushrooms seemed like they would help.  I tripped 7 times in less than 2 months with one intense oral DMT experience.  After this period my visuals returned with a bang.  It left me feeling very hopeless as I was about to start my PhD (which was always my dream).  Despite my worries/fears I was able to slowly make progress towards my degree while navigating HPPD recovery.  Here I am more than 4 years later with only 3 semesters left and an article ready to be submitted for publication.  This disorder is complicated, miserable and especially terrible because we can feel a sense of guilt about it.  There is nothing to feel guilty about, you are human and making mistakes  is inevitable.  Despite how absurd they can seem in hindsight or from another frame of reference, we make the best decisions we can given the conditions of the situation.  Having a brain that is still curious about tripping even after HPPD is nothing to be ashamed of, I am sure not ashamed, it's the way I am.  The best advice I can give is the following: 

• Stop all drugs, even alcohol for a while.
• Take it one day at a time, try not to think about the past or future just be here now. 
• Keep yourself busy with healthy, productive things; hobbies, work, etc...
• Exercise even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Do the best you can to not focus on HPPD; minimize time spent online looking into it and time thinking about it (this tends to generate anxiety which is not helpful for us) 
• Try learning to meditate, even if it's just for a minute or two.  We all have the ability to go inward for strength and healing.  For example, you can spend 30 seconds or a minute sitting and noticing your breath and thinking the following: 

1. when I breath in I notice I am breathing in
2.  when I breath out I notice that I am breathing out and I smile because I am alive. 

It's that simple!

• Try and get as much sleep as you can.  
• If you're open to it, pray to God in whatever way you think is appropriate.  You don't even have to believe in anything, just ask for help.  

Some days will be better than others but if given time, you will adapt and have a chance to live the life you want to live.  When you recover, you will be filled with an immense sense of gratitude and this period of your life will provide a fertile ground for much growth in the future.  This is what I have experienced, eventually the affliction becomes an asset and you'll get to help somebody else down the road. 

Take Care,

Nick 

[cosmiccharlie]

This is my first post on the forum, you can make it! 

[JRossR7]

Thanks Nick, you’re a real gem. Did your visuals return to baseline or did you make them Perma worse? It’s mainly just the auditory hallucinations that I get that are extremely annoying. Whenever I watch a video with a song it’s immediately stuck in my head over and over and over again no matter what I’m doing or if I’m watching tv. I know I’m not schizo tho because I know what I hear in my brain isn’t real and I have no paranoia or delusions etc. and I wish wish wish I could forget about the HPPD like I could in the past but the VS is on every damn surface now…. I know some people have to worse so I really do pray for them but I’m struggling so much atm. Didn’t even sleep last night because of all the chatter going on in my brain. Even with the fan on and headphones in listening to thunderstorms. 

[cosmiccharlie]

Visuals returned to based line which is not zero for me probably because of the doses I used.  I think that period was just a flare up for me which lasted a few months.  It might not be a bad idea to get some help if your struggle is unbearable.  Although there's no HPPD treatment available (to my knowledge), some of the meds can help you calm down to get through this period.  I used an SSRI and still do which really helped.  Some people report a worsening of symptoms but I have not experienced this.  I also have a few other mental conditions which the SSRI helps mitigate.  I know many people report help from benzos and other prescribed meds.  I personally have no experience with these and there is also the risk of addiction and dependence.  Maybe ask others on this forum who know more than I do.  I think @Jay1 has a few decades of knowledge about this.  

[JRossR7]

For sure. I’ve messaged Jay as well just awaiting a response. He’s a good guy, I took a lot of advice from him when I first got HPPD. I got prescribed Sertraline but I’ve heard that SSRI’s can make visual symptoms much worse so didn’t want to risk it. I should’ve been scared of drugs in the past after experiencing this first but now I’m really scared of anything that could make it worse. I’ve been tempted to try benzos or anti psychotic / anti epileptic but not sure how I’d get prescribed them as I live in the UK. 

[JRossR7]

I’m praying that mine is just a flare up. It’s only been 3 weeks since I last done cocaine but life is so unbearable right now and I haven’t noticed any changes in the 3 weeks

[cosmiccharlie]

Just give it time and try not assess your condition.  It is what it is and sampling it at this point is only going to cause pain.  Let it be what it is and let your body and mind do the work.  I like the analogy of when I have the flu.  I typically don't question my condition much or assess it.  I just put my body in a place where it can recover, I don't consciously worry about it and trust it to do the work.  I have to run to work now.  

Hang in there

Nick 

[JRossR7]

Ah dude I’m trying so hard man but not even enjoying watching tv or playing video games because a song is going through my head is extremely annoying. I’m trying to accept it but it’s so damn hard. Thank you tho

[Jay1]

Stay strong mate, your brain/body has managed to get on top of this once, so it is likely you can do it again. You are probably in a bit of a state of shock right now, but it is likely this is a drug induced spike that will start to calm down over the next weeks and months... Cling on to that hope and think about how good it's gonna feel once you get back to how you were last month.

Also, just do whatever you can to de-stress and just distract yourself for a while... I don't know your full situation, but do whatever it takes, quit your job, move back home, sit and watch films 24/7 if that distracts you enough. You can build all that side of your life back up.

Don't beat yourself up over taking drugs again, most of us have slipped up. If you have a doctor, chat to them about a short course of clonazepam, if you can take benzos, to get you through the worst of this spike (2-3 weeks or so) , then move to a more scheduled approach, so you don't get addicted (PM me for any help on this topic).

We are here for you, just reach out whenever you need help.

All the best, Jay