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I’m Tired


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I’m tired.

I’m tired of trying, tired fighting and feeling so alone, tired of having to have put up with this bullshit for over 20 fucking years and quite frankly, because there has been virtually no progress in HPPD research despite my best efforts and that of others here.

Nobody gives a fuck about us and there is no Calvary coming at least not in my lifetime. I suppose this is the ultimate act of acceptance; that this is how it is and as I get older and older, it’s just going to get worse. Fuck the scientific community, fuck the politicians who refuse to allocate funding for neurovisual disorders and a big fuck you to anyone having sold false hope which I suppose I’m guilty of doing albeit unintentionally. I truly thought I could hang on, live long enough till the day came where I could say I outlasted HPPD, I beat HPPD and I contributed in finding a cure for HPPD.

That day won’t ever come.

This is my final message on this group. I wish you all the best and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.

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Keep on fighting mate, you never know what is around the corner. People might not care about hppd much, but the medical community DO care about anxiety and epilepsy, two areas where new meds could give us hope. If a non addictive Klonopin came to market that allowed me to take 2mg per day for ever, i'd consider myself able to have a decent life (not cured, but able to do everything I want). I am sure such a med is possible and the market for such a thing would make it viable for testing and research (big money to be made). 

It sucks that we are in a world where the illness that has the most potential for money making gets the focus, but that is capitalism for you. 

If you do need to move on from the forum, just know that you are always welcome. 

Stay strong, Jay

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Never give up.  We're given this amazing opportunity to witness whatever "this" is.  There are a number of us old folks in here who have dealt with this disorder for a long time and we're all doing surprisingly well.  It's easy to fall into despair.  I sure did early on.  I look at it as a disability.  If I had lost my eyesight or lost a limb, what can be done?  Do I bail on life or get up each day and do the best I can?  As for not caring, there are folks in here who do care.  People trying different techniques, prescriptions, and lifestyle changes that might help.  People share what they find and they wouldn't do that if they didn't care.  Do the big corporate interests care?  No, they just care about how much money they can squeeze out of everyone.  It's heartless, and it isn't fair.  As a species we could do so much better.

This disorder can be so hard to deal with.  Throw trying to live, and it's even harder, at times ridiculous.  Personally, I wouldn't trade this opportunity to be here for anything with or without hppd.

I realize I'm babbling again.  I guess being a space shot is also permanent in my case.

Hang in there, and I hope you continue to share in this forum.  You never know how your experiences might help someone in the future.

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