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What happened with me...


alice-acid
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Well, basically, as you might be able to see from my name, mine is from LSD.

I have only taken it 8 times over about 2 years, 13 tabs in total (sometimes i took 2)

I suffer from borderline personality disorder, with which afew symptoms/meds seem to cross over and such, i think this may be related...

But yeah basically I got my symptoms maybe a month after I last took acid. My ex-boyfriend was reaalllyyyyy pissed off with me, and knowing about how 2 of the symptoms of my bpd is a massive fear of real or imagined abandoment, and really bad anxiety, he decided to use that to fuck with my head, he popped up on facebook and said '1 of your friends has been chatting shit about you' and when i asked him who and what they'd said he refused to say any more.

I spent that night completely un able to sleep, i remember calling him up at like 7 in the morning having still not slept, desperate to know who'd said what about me, it's all i could think about! anyway he said he didnt care and to fuck off and all that kinda stuff and turned his phone off. I spent all day just going out of my mind. I went round to my best mates house just to calm myself down, remember that i still had friends etc. We sat around and got high and watched stuff on the internet as per usual, then at around 2 in the morning i'd decided it'd been loooong enough and i deffo needed sleep i'd been awake for the longest ever... (i'm often compared to 'guy on the couch', if you know who i mean :P) so i smoked afew rediculously fat bongs and lay down to go to sleep.

About 10 minutes i remember sitting up because i was uncomfortable or something, and running my teeth along my lips. As i did it my tongue and teeth blended into 1 and the whole room started sort of... melting.... just for afew seconds (very similarly to after i'd come down off my only bad trip, which had been long before then, i'd tripped again and everything), and then it wore off slightly, but not fully, still had moving patterns when i closed my eyes, lines wiggling, everything had auras, SEVERE anxiety, visual snow, and probably the most irritating, the after images from things, making gruesome faces and such when i was trying to ignore it and sleep, very confusing for me.... It took afew hours before i managed to get to sleep, with afew more strong surges of acid visuals and feelings. Utterly terrifying. I woke up the next day assuming it was just the lack of sleep and the bongs and that it probably wouldnt happen again... But oh no afew hours later i was eating some cereal, and the milk had softened it more than i expected it to, the shock of this sent another surge of acidyness through me. When that faded I was left with all those same extra things i'd had the night before. This continued as often as every half an hour for about 2 weeks, it was terrifying to be honest. Then the surges started to calm down but ever since then i've had all the symptoms for HPPD, not diagnosed though, i'm working on that lol.

This all happened quite afew months ago, i'm hoping with abit of time my symptoms might ware off, i've stopped drinking and taking drugs, seems to be the only option as whenever i take anything it jus makes things worse. ESPECIALLY if i'm hungover!

and by the way my ex... yeah he'd completely made that up just to mess with me.... nice |:

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Just work toward acceptance, rationality is you friend. Just make sure that you can understand your symptoms and know what sets them off, make sure you believe you are OK with your surroundings and just try to live life as best you can. The way I see it, you can cope with this disorder one of two ways, either through medication, which is through the management of you anxiety or without medication through elimination of you anxiety through acceptance. I have no problem with people who go the medication route, but trying to cope with just medication alone can screw with you, you do not want a klono withdrawal response on top of HPPD. HPPD will probably be with you for a long time, there is really no way you can change that in the short term. Once I realize this myself, that there was no reason to be anxious about something I had no way of fixing or changing my anxiety was almost completely cut away. I can now just live life. Of course different strokes.

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thankyou i think you're right, i've noticed that since i discovered this forum and realised that this is almost definitely what's going on with me, after month and months of looking things up and pointless doctors appointments, my anxiety dropped considereably, just through knowing there was an explanation, and that theres something i can do about it

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  • 3 months later...

Well, it sounds like you've made the right choice, and the only thing you can do at this moment, which is to quit all drugs. It could have been worse. I do believe your brain will get better. The brain is much more adaptive than once thought, and so the longer you give it to calm down and rewire, the better. And who knows, maybe it'll go away completely. I'm hopin for that, sister.

And as for prescription drugs, you might look around on this website to see which ones have worked for different people, and consider the potential benefits and drawbacks of experimenting with them (as in, having them prescribed to you by a psychiatrist).

As for your prior diagnosed disorders, like BPD and borderline personality, I think they do contribute to a person's unique HPPD symptoms. I was diagnosed BP2, have always had extreme anxiety, etc.

Anyways, good luck. Hope it gets better for you, and in the mean time, hope you find some solace. There can still be purpose and beauty in a life painted by HPPD.

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  • 3 weeks later...

yeah it does suck when people fuck with your head >:[

but im tryingg :D

also 'life painted by hppd' i like it ;D im doin alot better than i used to be

and my bpd definately adds a uniqueness if you ask me, i think without it there would be no hppd personally

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That is interesting... I have bpd as well. Why do you think that the HPPD would have never happened without the borderline stuff? And I am with you, over time I've come to consider my HPPD as a sort of uniqueness that adds a little spice to my life. I never have to trip again! Because long after the drugs had left my system their effects are still there!

Also, I hope you know that borderline can be treated very well with therapy. It is an axis II (personality) disorder, and therapy has shown to help out a lot. I can tell you that in my experience, the therapy has considerably managed my symptoms! I don't even take mood stabilizers (trileptal among others) anymore! It did take a long time, and an awesome therapist, but shit has worked itself out. I still have serious abandonment anxiety but I try to cut it off in the start by keeping myself from getting emotional attachment. But this has advantages and disadvantages... Specifically being lonely :/. From what I understand, bpd arises out of traumatic experiences. The most common being physical or sexual abuse. So I don't think people are born with it, although there is probably a genetic predisposition. And with bpd, HPPD, ADHD, and bipolar II, things are difficult but at least I have a hell of a unique combo! I wonder how prevalent bpd is among those with HPPD, specifically those on this forum.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I relate and there is hope :)

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yeah my abandonment anxiety is terrible too, as my bpd came from a mass abandonment by all my friends when i was too young too really understand, and they were all too young to do anything other than what the popular girl said it was really messed up

and because i was reading on dr abrahams site somewhere that all the people that he'd seen that got hppd off anything other than lsd had a pre existing problem with thier nervous system, same part of the brain bpd effects

basically we were more likely to get it than most people due to bpd

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Oh huh, it would be cool to talk to him and see if there is a correlation between HPPD and borderline specifically. So you were in school when you got yours? How does the school system work up in the UK? Like do they start at age 5? I'm sorry to hear that, it seems like serious abandonment like that threw my whole world off its axis... Especially when your just a little tot and things are happening around you that don't make sense. Abandonment is serious. In my own experiences, the emotional neglect and eventual abandonment of my biological mother was the core issue behind my heroin and ketamine addiction... Until I dealt with that I was a miserable wreck.

But seriously, have you seen a therapist for borderline? It is one of those disorders that can pretty much be "cured" through therapy. It will take a while, but I've seen some amazing results!

Do you have trouble controlling or even identifying your emotions? Like little things to most people will ruin your whole day... Or like the world is ending! Or like, if you are laughing and question your laughter and you start crying? Just wondering. The major symptom of borderline is an inability to control emotional or social sensation.

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yeah i do have alot of trouble controlling my emotions definitely that first 1 has to be the worst

i heard a good description from someone who said the it is essentially a disorder of not being able to let go of things

the inability to take criticism, the inappropriate anger, letting things ruin your whole day, loads of things

and in the uk yeah we start around 4 or 5 i think, but this didnt even happen til i was about 12, everyones so fragile at that age

and sounds like ur past has sucked man but onwards and upwards is what i say

stayed the hell away from smack but i know how addictive ket rly is as i think u have read previously haha, worst drug to happen to the uk i say

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