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Still_here

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Still_here last won the day on March 10 2012

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  1. Hey there. I regularly come back and see what's happening but rarely comment any more, as I feel I have learned to accept my HPPD (hardest part of the battle). But I felt compelled, as it was Citalapram (Lexapro I believe in the U.S) that triggered my HPPD. I had a long history of drug use, however I'd been straight for a long time when my HPPD set in. MY symptoms and onset were identical to yours. I felt that I was getting visuals the first day of taking the SSRI, however the doctor told me it was a short lived side effect and it would subside. I continued with the SSRI for around a month, my symptoms got worse and worse, so around december I cancelled the SSRI. It has now been three years on October and my visuals have gotten worse and worse, however I eventually learnt to accept HPPD, and as such the anxiety and mental effects lessened.
  2. Hey there everyone. To sort of describe what Im saying...Im not excited about the new job, I mean its so so, its less pay but cruisier people. The thing is that because I focused my entire being on worrying about finances, what I was gonna do to fix my life, I completely forgot about HPPD. As a general life changing incident it wasnt good, but from an HPPD perspective it was magnificent! Even now that things have died down, I think having let my brain have a break from the perpetual thought pattern of worrying about HPPD, was enough for my subconcious or whatever to relax and break the aforementioned patern permanently (or atleast for the last few weeks!). As far as DP/DR I have certainly suffered from some major form of dettachment, however I couldnt tell you weather it was DP/DR or just extreme anxiety. I felt completely empty/confused, I hadn't felt true emotion in years (which was pretty hard during the births of both of my sons, and my wedding day!) but I carried on "acting" like I had in the hope that one day I would return to my former being. To be honest I still don't feel 100% back to normal but with every day that I dont have that HPPD constant thought pattern, I feel my brain returning to normal! My visuals are no doubt still there, but the anxiety is gone, the stress is gone, the emptiness is gone. People this can happen for any one, I know it seems like bullshit but you just have to find something that is incredibly distracting and lets you forget HPPD. I had read this and tried using my playstation, or my kids, or my dogs, or my job, or a trillion different things, but none of it worked. My thought's always drifted back to HPPD and the guilt of knowing I'd damaged my brain permanently (I have had HPPD 3 years in october and DP/DR or whatever I've got 3 years in june). I figured it was just people talking shit. But yeah spending two weeks worrying about Mortgagee sales, bankrupcy, losing everything was enough to make me completely forget HPPD. I truly hope everyone can get to the point Im at now, acceptance and peace.
  3. Gidday people. Well Ive always preached that the best way to over come HPPD is to ignore it. This is understandably hard to do for some of us (myself included). Well I used to work at a dead end job, I was bored and doing the same repetitive crap day in, day out for around 5 years. Then it happened...It started with me laying a complaint against my team leader (the guys a real c***) then as retaliation he laid a big stupid fucken complaint against me for pouring water in my mates boots. Unfortunately it was during a time when the company is making massive savings and talking about redundancies, so after 5 years of loyal service (and I mean loyal, like I'd finish each year with sick pay still unused, I was late twice in five years) I was fired because I had performed "a severe breach of F********S health and safety code of conduct". Now getting to the point, sorry, I was gutted. I mean I've got two kids and a wife, and a mortgage, and debts! I went home and panicked. Well I've now found a new job, but you know what? I havn't thought about HPPD once in weeks! Ive stopped noticing visuals, and the anxiety from HPPD has all but dissapeared! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I have been so busy worrying about finances that I just completely forgot I had HPPD! No more waking up in the morning and straight away freeking on the visuals, no more worrying about that bottomless feeling of being empty. Im fixed, I mean the visuals are their but I dont care. I feel more sane than I have in years! I spent so many years worrying about HPPD but when something like that happens it makes me realise just how insignificant it is.
  4. Does anyone else here find that their vision non stop twitches/shakes. I find that everything is always twitching/moving, and even worse, just recently movement has become alot less fluid. Like say a car's driving along at 50 K's (30 Mph) it will seem like its driving at 50, then stop, then fly forwards at 70 and catch back up to where it should be. I mean thats an example, I dont actually have that with car's, and Im fine to drive post HPPD, however it's sorta what I mean. So yeah movement in my vision seams alot less fluid, sorta retarded (in the correct use of the word). Im sure I'll adjust to it. I wish I'd stop getting new symptoms though, Im effectively drug free (I hardly even do opiates any more, and they don't make my visuals worse). I try to ignore them. I try to carry on with life as it is. But every time I adjust theres new symptoms, and my HPPD gets worse. The visuals are soooo much worse since onset, however anxiety is down. Just want to feel normal again!
  5. Yeah I'm a bit of a fan of Opiates I must admit. It's the only time I'm able to feel almost human. I've post HPPD popped as much as 300mg's of Codeine in a hit and it hasn't gotten worse. However I must admit that large doses of Codeine drive me insane with the itching! Post HPPD I've done smack (well, homebake) codeine, morphine, tramadol, all your normal opiate goodies. Loved em all, and none have made my visuals worse. The head pressure always got alot worse temporarily though.
  6. Bro I fully get Hypochondria, I geuss when you've somewhat fried your brain you do get over sensitive to any health issues. Symptoms are different for everyone, mine come in waves. But...Hypochondria is like HPPD, in that the more you pay attention to it, the more of your life it takes. Ignore it, and it will die down.
  7. HPPD does go away for some people, the fact that you had 15 minutes HPPD free, means it may happen for you, mind you I'mno doctor, but I've spent alot of time on HPPD research. If it doesn't, then it does get easier. You just learn to adjust it a sense. I had what I believe to be DP/DR for several months after a mescaline trip, then the doctor prescribed me SSRI's for what he figured was anxiety, my HPPD developed that day. You'll get better bro, seriously. Even if it never goes (mine hasn't after several years) it does get easier. Just ignore it. HPPD is an evil c*** of a disorder in that the more you worry about it, the worse it gets. Try to focus on ANYTHING that takes your mind off it. Maybe the jacking off to porn distracted you from it for long enough that you got a healthy moment cause your brain relaxed? Dunno, Im not a doctor. What I do know is that leading up to anything exciting in my life I feel the best. Cause Im thinking of whatever the excitement is as opposed to dwelling in HPPD DP/Dr hell. Take care man, you may get better, you may adjust, either way life will get easier.
  8. Some peoples HPPD goes away, normally when you've had it for years we learn to live with it, but if your new to it, you've always got a chance this will subside, and you'll make a full recovery. This may be what's gonna happen to you in the near future? If so your incredibly lucky! Please learn from it and never ever do drugs again.
  9. Permanently worse. I mean everyones different, but mine got permanently worse every time I started smoking weed again, I'd develope new symptoms, then I'd try to convince myself it would baseline slowly if I just rode it out, then after a month or two I'd accept it and stop smoking weed but the new symptoms would persist. Then...6 months later...I'd get offered some good weed, love it, and play the game all over again. My symtpoms have gotten worse and worse each time, but now I'm never gonna smoke weed again.
  10. Opiates, and Benzo's, and any other form of "downer" oh other than weed, but thats just me. Everyones different and some people get worse HPPD from alcohol or coffee, while other people reackon they've carried on rolling and dropping acid and its stayed the same.
  11. It's in NZ sorry bro. Last one was gutting cause we all knew it was the year they were going bankrupt, kinda one final hurrah! It was AWEOME though. Like in a place called Inangahua in the west coast of the south island of New Zealand, it doesnt get more remote than this (4 hours drive to the nearest city) deep in the heart of the rain forest. It was hard with HPPD because there were A LOT of drugs, but thats all good. Yeah greatest place on earth, no worries, just hard chore D'n'B/Dub for 4 days non stop!
  12. Man I went to the most bad arsde D'n'B gig of my life post HPPD. PHAT, I went to all the PHAT's but it was the last one PHAT 11 thats was by far the best (mint weather) I just got fucked up on opiates, and piss the whole time. TBH I get narly hang over post HPPD, but something about waking up in a rain forest valley and hearing the D'n'B bouncing off the hill speeded my recovery, then getting back up to the main stage (the music ran non stop for four days) getting some more piss in me, some morphine to dull the headache and fuck yes back into it. I paid mind you, dearly, I spent the next several weeks with my anxiety/hypochondria off the charts, freeking out about having damaged my hearing, and panicking about tinnitus. But...My visuals didn't get any worse, and I had no HPPD related anxiety. And to be honest, it was the best four days of my life (my wife gets pissed at me for saying this as I have two kids, and a wedding day to compare it to). Last year we had, Black Sun Empire, Andy C, Cammo and Krooked, Evil Intent, and a shitload of others I was too messed up to remember. Then there were all the EPIC local acts, one of the best would have to have been Truth...Check it out
  13. Nah I always used to get it after a night at a gig or rave, and it always subsided. Its due to your ear canal (dont know the technical word) swelling, and it goes down after a 1-3 days in my experience
  14. Tinnitus thats left after clubbing usually subsides. I've had it after raves, well I mean IVe had it real bad after raves, I have it all the times, but yeah the shockingly bad tinnitus after a night out almost always subsides. HPPD brings with it an element of hypochondria so when we have something wrong with us we freak out and focus on it alot more than we should (atleast thats the case with me). As a result I wear ear plugs at raves now (I know what a dick huh? But atleast my tinitus cant get worse) and this has resulted in a few good punch ups with stupid drunk dick heads "What are you wearing those for ya wanker?"
  15. I must say though I have never found opiates to make HPPD itself any worse, it messes with my head, but as far as visuals go, they dont make them worse. The head pressure and loudening of the world tends to subside after a while. I've done smack a couple of times post HPPD and its never gotten worse, but as previously mentioned I tread extremely carefuly with such an addictive substance. I've refrained from every other substance apart from opiates.
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