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A moment of clarity and desperation


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Quick backstory:

I'm not an avid drug user. My HPPD/Issues started after the first and only time I tried MDMA. I redosed multiple times and drank heavily the day of dosing and the day after. This was two and a half years ago and I've suffered since then. I have never experienced anything remotely like my symptoms, but I think I should mention that I've experienced migraines with aura about 15 times over the course of 15 years. 


For the last two and a half years I've had prolonged periods of feeling very good, but recently I've been back in a rut. I'm experiencing moderate to debilitating mental fatigue, constant brain fog, a myriad of cognitive issues, depression, dizzyness, pressure, insomnia, weird sensations, irregular sense of awareness, the sensation of having lost my soul, suicidal ideation, greatly reduced work capacity, etc. 


Today I'm experiencing a moment of clarity that is in such a stark contrast to my regular day to day life that it's fucking scary. I've aquired a small stash of clonazepam illegally, and I've been very careful with taking it. I've had it for about a year, and I guess 1-2 times a month I will take 0.5 mg to help me get through stressful periods at work or in life. It gives me unparalleled symptom relief and improvement. I'm not talking about masking symptoms here, I'm talking about very drastic improvement of cognitive ability, articulation, vocabulary, actual pronunciation/speaking, reduction of dp/dr, increase of mental sharpness, increase of multi tasking ability, 100% reduction of brain fog, increased work capacity, energy, sociability, a very drastic increase in mood, no depression, the list goes on. I don't suffer from anxiety any more (it improved suddenly after 10 months).


Last night i took 0.25mg(!) of clonazepam before bed. I slept beautifully, and I've basically felt today what I haven't felt since I got "sick" in November of 2013. I feel like my soul is back (for lack of a better term), I'm sharp mentally, I feel like a man again. Like a man who is able, competent, mentally quick/sharp. I had to summarize about 10-15 different numbers at work today, and I did it easily in my head while simultaneously explaining something to a coworker. This would have been impossible on a "normal" day for me. 

I've always been a thinker, and today on the subway I noticed I was thinking about philosophical issues as I've done ALL my life, but not in the last 2,5 years. In a sense my personality, soul, my innermost sense of self and thoughts have been RIPPED away. Experiencing it again today made me realize (again) what I've lost. Today I have the energy to feel desperate to get it back. Tomorrow I may be back to apathy and suicidal thoughts. 


Could this solely be due to the GABAergic effect of clonazepam? How does clonazepam affect 5HT and DA? What can I learn from this? Taking low dose clonazepam takes me from feeling 25% like the man I was, to about 98%. Can this point me in a direction towards other SUSTAINABLE treatment options?


Low dose SSRI have been shown to increase allopregnanolone, has anyone on the forum done triels/research down that road? I know SSRI is hit and miss with people in our situation. 

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Maybe take a look at something like pregabalin. I would be very cautious about SSRIs, they make me psychotic.


I will make a suggestion, but as i'm sure you know, benzos are highly addictive... So only take this into consideration if you think you can stay strong willed:


This is a routine I have had with benzos for over 6 years now, with no sign of addiction or tolerance... (you would probably need less than these doses)


Thursday 6pm - 0.5mg klono

Friday 9am - 1mg klono

Saturday 9am - 1mg klono

Sunday 9am - 2.5mg lorazepam*

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- benzo free..


Once every 2 months, i take 7 to 10 days benzo free, to make sure that I am not seeing any signs of addiction or withdrawal. * I take lorazepam on the sunday as it has a shorter half life, making sure my body has less benzo in the blood stream, come the monday... This system only works by having the 3 (and a half) full days without benzos... If you did 1 day on, 1 days off... I think the long half life would cause addiction.


I find that the Monday, I still have some anxiety relief... So the system gives me almost 5 days anxiety free out of 7. Of course, we are all different, and you have to tread carefully... I only recently added the Thursday dose (about a year ago) and all seems fine... But it might be wise to do 3 days on, 4 days off, if you do consider this. If you are getting good results from 0.5mg, you can probably half the doses I take, which will be even safer.

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Does Clonazepam generally have good results? Seems like it's a pretty popular one around here.


Also, I find these stories fascinating. I've taken quite a few supplements and a few pharmaceutical drugs but nothing has even come close to relieving symptoms entirely as it seems to have done in so many other cases similar to the OP. This makes me want to bug my doctor to give me some prescriptions but at the same time I don't want to worsen symptoms either. Ah, the paradox of HPPD.

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I can get about 70% relief of all symptoms with 1.5mg of klono. Benzos are the only med that work, for me.

I have since learnt that I only need enough to remove anxiety though (0.5 to 1mg, depending on circumstances). This also removes other symptoms by about 40%.

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I empathize with you completely and share your symptoms.  I understand exactly what you're saying about everything mentioned in your post.  I feel like an idiot pretty much all day to one degree or another.  It's hell.


Having that experience of clarity and then having it taken away is worse than never having it.


Why don't you try and get a klonopin script if helps you? It is very much a sustainable treament option. I've been on it for 15 years and my dose hasn't increased and I'm not addicted to it.

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WuWei... You are one of the very lucky few.

For everyone else... Tread very carefully... My cousin, a heroin addict, was put on valium during his recovery.... He said it was ten times harder to get off than herion and a horrible 2 year anxiety ridden withdrawal

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