Hi
Quick backstory:
I'm not an avid drug user. My HPPD/Issues started after the first and only time I tried MDMA. I redosed multiple times and drank heavily the day of dosing and the day after. This was two and a half years ago and I've suffered since then. I have never experienced anything remotely like my symptoms, but I think I should mention that I've experienced migraines with aura about 15 times over the course of 15 years.
For the last two and a half years I've had prolonged periods of feeling very good, but recently I've been back in a rut. I'm experiencing moderate to debilitating mental fatigue, constant brain fog, a myriad of cognitive issues, depression, dizzyness, pressure, insomnia, weird sensations, irregular sense of awareness, the sensation of having lost my soul, suicidal ideation, greatly reduced work capacity, etc.
Today I'm experiencing a moment of clarity that is in such a stark contrast to my regular day to day life that it's fucking scary. I've aquired a small stash of clonazepam illegally, and I've been very careful with taking it. I've had it for about a year, and I guess 1-2 times a month I will take 0.5 mg to help me get through stressful periods at work or in life. It gives me unparalleled symptom relief and improvement. I'm not talking about masking symptoms here, I'm talking about very drastic improvement of cognitive ability, articulation, vocabulary, actual pronunciation/speaking, reduction of dp/dr, increase of mental sharpness, increase of multi tasking ability, 100% reduction of brain fog, increased work capacity, energy, sociability, a very drastic increase in mood, no depression, the list goes on. I don't suffer from anxiety any more (it improved suddenly after 10 months).
Last night i took 0.25mg(!) of clonazepam before bed. I slept beautifully, and I've basically felt today what I haven't felt since I got "sick" in November of 2013. I feel like my soul is back (for lack of a better term), I'm sharp mentally, I feel like a man again. Like a man who is able, competent, mentally quick/sharp. I had to summarize about 10-15 different numbers at work today, and I did it easily in my head while simultaneously explaining something to a coworker. This would have been impossible on a "normal" day for me.
I've always been a thinker, and today on the subway I noticed I was thinking about philosophical issues as I've done ALL my life, but not in the last 2,5 years. In a sense my personality, soul, my innermost sense of self and thoughts have been RIPPED away. Experiencing it again today made me realize (again) what I've lost. Today I have the energy to feel desperate to get it back. Tomorrow I may be back to apathy and suicidal thoughts.
Could this solely be due to the GABAergic effect of clonazepam? How does clonazepam affect 5HT and DA? What can I learn from this? Taking low dose clonazepam takes me from feeling 25% like the man I was, to about 98%. Can this point me in a direction towards other SUSTAINABLE treatment options?
Low dose SSRI have been shown to increase allopregnanolone, has anyone on the forum done triels/research down that road? I know SSRI is hit and miss with people in our situation.