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Should I be calling the visuals "hallucinations" ?


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So i have been talking to my mom about HPPD trying to get her to understand and I may have used the word "hallucinations" when talking to her about it since the word "visuals" doesn't seem to make sense to her. some of my visuals are very LSD-like. At my doctors appointment with the adolescent drug specialist, he called them hallucinations too. Should I not be calling them hallucinations during appointments ?

my VISUAL symptoms include :

-visual snow

-halos

-entire visual field appears to qucikly shift side to side

- colors flashing at me

- afterimages

- objects, walls, the floor and the ceiling appear to be breathing or sometimes even appear to be melting a little bit

-objects appear to be moving back and forth closer and farther from me

- kinda fucked up depth perception

- very mild tracers but not that bad

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its quite common.. even though it made me nauseaous and anxious. when i had hppd i was tripping like crazy...but i never saw things that havent really been there...i only had pseudo hallucinations 

 

if you see things that arent there like a flying elephant for example...its not hppd.

 

all the symptoms you described above are known to be hppd and/or an anxiety disorder

 

so dont worry..easier said than done..i know

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no man even i am 100 cured i wont take drugs again its not a safe way to go

its was not worth to geth hppd after so many good trips because every enjoyment that past is gone and i want a healty future and minimize any risk

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even if this might be true for you i dont want to waste my life and be free of every kind of mind opening and funny trip living like an old man on hes last days for the rest of my time.

 

its like saying the meaning of life is to stay alive....but dont forget that staying alive is only useful if you can get enjoyment out of it...otherwise its for nothing

 

the sobriety is simply not worth to be free of almost every kind of fun or some risks since that still doesnt prevent you from any other mental or physical condition...

means you're not safe just by swearing off every drug or risk

 

reality is built out of thoughts..what i want to say is that you set your own boundaries.

 

by the way i managed to reach a part of my target cause i can take drugs again in microdoses and at the beginning i wasnt able to do it at all...which is enough proof for me 

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I can't imagine a better high than having a clear, sane mind.. The idea that you could not enjoy life without drugs is about the saddest things i've ever heard. Something I might have thought at 16 years old, but not once I was an adult.

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its not so much about drugs than enjoying altered states of consciousness and these can only be reached by using certain substances...not meditation, not lucid dreaming and no placebo or situation in life could give you the same feelings and insights like tripping.

 

so hppd is no longer relevant for me since its over the point is that my anxiety disorder is still annoying and you may guess why i suffer from an anxiety disorder even if it was triggerd by shrooms its the fault of stupid people (the underlying issue of anxiety has been caused by my family)

and i use the drugs as a therapeutic and since there is no border between medicine and drugs (as i realized in life its all the same), i cant see where this sounds sad for you...the only sad  thing is the society we live in today, i would rather die on drugs than living a life full of hatred, fear and despair caused by the people surrounding me where ever i go or have been.

 

i wont let people ruin my life to any further extent...i think in my situation taking drugs and medicating myself sounds like the better option..you wouldnt think so sad about it if you were me.

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As Alan Watts said:

 

"Psychedelic experience is only a glimpse of genuine mystical insight, but a glimpse which can be matured and deepened by the various ways of meditation in which drugs are no longer necessary or useful. If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen..."

 

Even in my messed up state, I still live alot my life based around my LSD experiences... Nature, love, peace, family, friends, spirituality... I don't need to be high to tap into that.

 

As for letting other people ruin your life, that just sounds like an excuse to get high, not a reason. It is SO easy to change your life to include better people and walk away from anyone who is negatively influencing your life. One plane journey or train ride is all it usually takes.

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the only exuses to keep using shrooms was that it has noo risk for addiction and the second was that was legal i never think about it can trigger a serius health disorder

buth if you see to most people with a serius disorder the most have recreational drugs history

human kind know just a littel how drugs impact brain chemistry

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jay..alan watts may be right but.integrating my experiences of psychedelcs is what i already do..but there are still lessons to be learned its not done by a few trips...and i didnt get the message of being done with psychedelcs...they are still calling me...so im not at my highest level of consciousness and feel no urge to stop doing them.

 

you might be done with psychs but im still on a journey to wonderland.

 

its no excuse its something i have to do to treat the damage i received from this insane world..just to make sure to find reasons to live on...not killing me through my debilitating depression and anxiety....as i said its a therapeutic

 

insane people and terror is waiting all over the world since its a merciless terrifying place..so no matter where i go i will end up like this without these healing therapeutic experiences.

 

and i still have an anxiety disorder i cant go by car, plane or any other vehicle cause i get panic attacks when i get dizzy and even though it might work i dont know where in the wrold i should go its not peaceful as i need it and will worsen my condition just as traveling in general

 

its a very bad situation im caught in...the only way is self therapy...even if one day it might be killing me..denying therapeutics..its not worth the suffering

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umit

 

1) the most people have no mental condition due to drug use..its the other way around..people with mental conditions mostly use these substances to treat themselves even though most of these persons are'nt aware of why they really do it.

 

2) and the other part has had its underlying conditions triggered by drug use not caused.

 

or both just like me

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you might be done with psychs but im still on a journey to wonderland.

 

... and then hell. Whatever you think anxiety is now, see how you feel when you have full blown hppd + dp/dr for the rest of your life too.

 

How big a clue do you need that your body/mind is not cut out for hallucinogens than your initial time with hppd and dp/dr?

 

It is hypocritical for me to talk like this, as I also wanted to carry on my drug journey, even with warning signs in my body and mind... But I didn't have the internet, or this forum, or even the term hppd or dp/dr.. I had urban myths and a belief that everything would be fine once I have a few more journeys and then quit... You have the luxury of knowing that is bullshit and things can get a million times worse.

 

There is no insight in the world that could possibly be worth risking your mental health for the rest of your life. I wish I could show people a glimpse into just how bad hppd can be (and i'm sure there are people with hppd far worse than me too, so there are ever deeper levels of hell).

 

At the end of the day, it is your risk and your choice... It's not like I would take any enjoyment from seeing you here for the next 20+ years. All I can say is wait for a few years before even thinking about it... Life can change quickly and you might find that ,even without pyschs, you will be able to tap into that higher state quite easily as you get older.

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the proof is..if my body/mind is not made for them i would have had serious problems with them before the around 230 trips i already had on psychedelics and yeah some of them were pretty damn tough but i never didnt come back fully i was always feeling more real and present than before and comfortable with tripping in general.

 

i will see where it leads me to but being hyper carefully for all my life is not worth the health. spending my life with being afraid of everything..i just want to be normal and able to enjoy life...since it has no enjoyment if you cant do what you love in your life..i love mind altering substances and the trips they cause..so i need to do this

 

even though..i will wait until i start tripping on psychedelics again, starting with microdoses

 

im free... if i will experience worsening of my life quality to a certain extent i cant handle..i can still end myself..

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I did insane amounts of drugs before I fell into hell too. My brain, like yours, gave a warning and I ignored it and here I am. Hopefully this break you are giving yourself will allow you to role the dice again without major problems.. I really hope so, as your mind is already made up.

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im not saying that i want to do insane amounts of something and also i wont take laced shit like most of the people who dont know whats really in their drugs. ill make sure to take only clean and best stuff and i dont say that it havent been almost always this way but i did another mistake.. i never had a problem taking something besides on my last trip and the only thing that differs this trip from all the others is that it was a fatal overdose...so it had nothing to do with the amount of trips i did which leads me to my last guideline that i will never overdose again.

 

thanks but you really dont need to worry cause i already decided to do it and as i said i can still stop living if it goes wrong..so i have nothing to lose at all since everybody has to die some day. :P

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That's what makes me very sad though.... I don't know you and will probably never meet you.... But your idea of suicide makes me feel so depressed.... You are a very clever, smart guy and I just wish I could 1) show you how amazing life can be with just a sane a mind .... Even without drugs and 2) the world of hell that the next levels of hppd can bring..

I only say this because I think you can recover and have a beautiful life... Something I am stripped of.

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trip in to hell

i dont think you wil able to trip on a normal dose again because your brain cant handel it anymore even in microdose its posible that you realy can trigger more serius disorders or geth back to hppd

my last trip i did crash with no warning signs

i thought before when i was in my worst condition mayby i need one more trip to recover buth i never did it because cant take the risk to go even more insane

buth you say you love to trip its your own life styile buth there are things in life you can better say goodbye before its to late

its just life

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jay  i understand that you have it much worse than me...and im so sorry for you cause you want to live and im just an ungrateful idiot ...but i cant learn from lessons i didnt experience.

 

maybe one day i will see it differently but for now i cant go this way...and i still have the time cause im waiting for my system to be back to normal completely before tripping on psychedelics again.

 

dont forget that hppd is no problem for me anymore...i only had it for 4 1/2 month.

 

you're right...(exept by saying im clever).... life can be awesome...but only for people who havent gone through that much pain and social rejection i did..i just cant take it to be completely clean which is the reason why im tripping on weed, opiods, alcohol, coffeine, wild dagga, hops, valerian and skullcap for 3 1/2 month already and never had a real problem with these substances..so i think chances are medium to good for me being able to enjoy psychedelics again even though i dont know..guess i will have to find it out....if it wont work i would be thankful if i just can smoke big amounts of weed through a bong again without panic

 

thankyou for your kind words

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  • 4 weeks later...

Dude. I cant believe you'd talk about taking your own life, like Jay says you have a great chance at getting better. Have you considered how the people would feel you leave behind.

 

I don't know how bad your rejection issues are you mentioned but I think a lot of this may be behind your hppd and what led you to drugs in the first place if this was something traumatic for you. Go and get some therapy and help with these things, it can be fixed.

 

People here who have had therapy have found deeper emotional healing has helped their hppd a lot. Personally I think emotional trauma and hppd is closely linked for some people.

 

You sound quite young and for a short life those issues may feel huge for you but you can overcome it and lead a life where you don't feel the need to even do drugs, where you are happier in yourself.

 

Its hard to hear someone saying the things you are because there are other, better options available for you.

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