Should I be calling the visuals "hallucinations" ?

[trip into hell]

im 26 years old and of course my issues are caused by something traumatic but i didnt start taking drugs due to it...i always found drugs to be the most fascinating thing on earth from the moment i tryed weed the first time...i really love this shit.

 

dont forget i dont have hppd anymore i just have an anxiety disorder (no link between them im sure) which leads me to panic everytime i exceed a microdose of no matter what substance.

 

i think therapy cant help me since im aware of everything about my issues.and i dont need someone who tells me whats going on with me or how to deal with it..because to me its not about how to deal with it..its about how to beat my anxiety disorder once and for all..so i can take drugs without panic attacks or any doubt being able to enjoy them as i used to for 7 years...

 

i just dont want to be sober for the rest of my life (living like an old man) its just an incredible waste of time in my opinion..what is life if i cant enjoy it and do the things i love...ill tell you..its useless.

 

i dont care what the people think i leave behind..im living for myself and not for others that means it should make sense to me not the others + the only ones i leave behind are my familiy and guess what..these are the same persons responsible for the trauma which causes me to have anxiety issues these days...its too fucked up

 

i just hate permanent sobirety..