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Looking for Guidance through my healing (hopefully) process


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Hi all, I'm very glad to have found this forum and think that it has already aided me in understanding what I can do to help combat my (suspected) HPPD. I've been looking through threads and have found a few great stories which gave me hope and huge inspiration from those who have been suffering (and still are) but seem to be able to make a go of things. 

 

Some context, I am 20yo male, studying at uni and working. Previous to my breakdown, I had 1 LSD trip (Dec 2014), Shroom two weeks later cactus trips (Feb 2015), LSD trip 2- the bad one (20th March), Shroom trip 2 (9th May). Since approx 2010 I've been smoking week periodically, and over the past 2 years reasonably constantly; culminating in periods where I would smoke every night. 

 

I believe that I have got HPPD after having a particularly bad acid trip where I completely disconnected from reality, lost all connection to my sensors and from what I can remember decided that I was experiencing death at what were the bottom of existential crisis thought loops. After this I experienced what I will call disconnection from my past (i.e. with effort I could remember what had happened to me, but could not remember the actual feeling of being there (the quaila-any philosophy majors?)). I had some mental fog, but was otherwise seemingly fine. A month later in hopes of helping the situation I had a mushy trip at reasonably low dose (5 caps maybe), this started out really well, with mostly euphoria etc. I then started to feel very L.S.D'y and told my tripping buddy and he came up to my room with me and helped me write about what I was feeling; I believe at this point I had my first taste of DR/PR, as I frantically wrote about the meaning of life and the way in which we define ourselves as people etc. After an hour or so of this my anxiety abated and the trip ended very pleasantly. Approximately 3 weeks later, my mind somehow preempted my complete collapse and I went back to my parents house, where I ended up with crippling anxiety which saw me bedridden, this is when my HDDP symptoms appeared (I'm not sure whether one preempted the other etc), this all started approx 1st of June. I was a complete mental mess unable to concentrate or remember almost anything. I had streaks and trails (which as far as I can understand are reasonably mild comparatively to other peoples- but I was scared to death at the time), I believe at this time I also had thoughts of ending my life because I could not see a way through what was going on. At this point in time I had exams and managed to do one of the essays (in hindsight this probably stressed me out and made things worse). I went to see a psychiatrist whom I told the whole story, and it seems I got lucky because he took it all in and did not judge at all, which helped immensely. He put me on zoloft (SSRI) to treat the anxiety and Circadin (melatonin to aid sleep), I've also been using Temazepam when I have a really bad night. I am also hoping to get my hands on some benzos as a 'just in case'. 

 

So I'm now just over a month into this experience, things do seem to be improving. At times I feel completely normal, and having read what some people experienced and are experiencing I feel almost unqualified to feel bad for my situation. The questions I have relate to the mental symptoms which seem less talked about, while I am dealing reasonably well with after images/trails tracers and the such; I get almost complete disconnection from each day to the next, while I can most of the time remember with effort what I did yesterday I don't really feel like I've done it. I have also experienced this at random times during the day (kinda like turing around and looking at someone and being like what am I doing here and who is this and then having to dig for the info and being disconnected to it); is this to do with DR/DP? This coupled with my complete lack of memory really freak me out at the moment and seem to be my biggest barrier to getting back to a normal life (memory is good for uni and work :P

 

Last question is thoughts on the SSRI use, I have talked to my doctor and while he is hesitant to take me off it he said if I believed it would be better in the long run, then he would defer to me on the matter. From what I've read it seems it might be best to go without the SSRI? 

 

Any general tips

 

Cheers for all the love that goes around this place, the forum seems to help a lot of people in desperate need; I feel like I'm a lucky one to have found you guys so early,

Peace, Love & Healing to all 

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When I took SSRIs. I could tell from around day 2-3 that it was making me much worse. I felt poisoned. If you are not getting that sort of feeling, then I would stay on it and see if it does help the anxiety.

 

I think getting a hold on the anxiety is the best way to battle hppd and it's various offshoots. Anxiety and stress feed it. The only thing that it might be detrimental too is the dp/dr ,,,, If you start to notice that become more pronounced, perhaps think about tapering off the SSRI.

 

Good luck, Jay

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hey mate,

I say best bet is to stick on the ssri and see how your depression/anxiety may improve. I've been on pristiq (SNRI) for 7 months now and it's been the best decision I've ever made. Certain visuals initially worsened very temporarily than went back to baseline, more importantly it's the anxiety that is now virtually gone after a depressive stage from shitty e abuse. Will be tapering off in 3 months after uni finishes, so you won't be on it forever.

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i got HPPD from an awful shroom trip in which i lost complete disconnection from my senses too(except i was by myself lol, hard)! maybe we're getting somewhere to why HPPD happens! "existential crisis thought loops" yeah thats Depersonalization, which also disconnects us from senses and feelings...

 

I think i already was a mental mess before the shroom trip, already had some type of depersonalization, so yeah.. i wasnt grounded in reality too well to begin with. I had mystic beliefs. yeah embarrasing. 

 

 

anyways, i heard that SSRI's could increse the symptoms in some people? anything seratonin based? im not sure.. 

 

Im like 8 months into this, and  i dont remember the past 8 months, shit i barely remember yesterday.

 

 

I was kinda like u. my symptoms were very mild. 

 

Then i started smoking pot, and then it got reaaaal bad..... ive been off pot for like a week and my symptoms seem to be diminishing a lot! 

still pretty stressed out though.

 

 

I used to be scared as fuck to sleep, now I can sleep at like 1! so I am recoverying! visual-wise and mental-wise.

 

But i still have DP.. but im optimistic.. trying to be.

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hey all cheers for the replies! I reckon I'm gonna stick with the SSRI for the moment, hopefully it won't affect the DP/DR (and isn't, I honestly can't remember all too much haha).

 

hey mate,
I say best bet is to stick on the ssri and see how your depression/anxiety may improve. I've been on pristiq (SNRI) for 7 months now and it's been the best decision I've ever made. Certain visuals initially worsened very temporarily than went back to baseline, more importantly it's the anxiety that is now virtually gone after a depressive stage from shitty e abuse. Will be tapering off in 3 months after uni finishes, so you won't be on it forever.

Have you had improvement in visuals, or other stuff, while on the SNRI, do you think it might have affected other stuff?

 

 

i got HPPD from an awful shroom trip in which i lost complete disconnection from my senses too(except i was by myself lol, hard)! maybe we're getting somewhere to why HPPD happens! "existential crisis thought loops" yeah thats Depersonalization, which also disconnects us from senses and feelings...

 

I think i already was a mental mess before the shroom trip, already had some type of depersonalization, so yeah.. i wasnt grounded in reality too well to begin with. I had mystic beliefs. yeah embarrasing. 

 

 

anyways, i heard that SSRI's could increse the symptoms in some people? anything seratonin based? im not sure.. 

 

Im like 8 months into this, and  i dont remember the past 8 months, shit i barely remember yesterday.

 

 

I was kinda like u. my symptoms were very mild. 

 

Then i started smoking pot, and then it got reaaaal bad..... ive been off pot for like a week and my symptoms seem to be diminishing a lot! 

still pretty stressed out though.

 

 

I used to be scared as fuck to sleep, now I can sleep at like 1! so I am recoverying! visual-wise and mental-wise.

 

But i still have DP.. but im optimistic.. trying to be.

 

A couple of solid trips could give you some pretty mystic ideas  ;)

 

Yeah man the memory is absolutely killing me, and I reckon that's feeding the DP- not being able to remember what you did yesterday fucks me up especially if I already don't feel like myself. 

 

With regards to the pot, was that just one night or more constant. I'm planning to stay off everything except exercise and good food, but just curious to know what happens if I slip. 

 

Yeah I'm finding sleep easier too, especially if I leave a really yellow light on and stay very warm (I've found having a water bottle (or better some one else haha) helps heaps)

 

 

Anyone else had/having the memory problems? I'm interested in whether there might be ways to combat that directly?

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Yeah certain visuals went away while on the SNRI, like intensity of colours and after images. That could have been related to time though. Visual snow has remained the same/varying every day but it's nothing to do with snri I think.

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