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Another new guy


chase3438
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I feel that I have been going through he'll lately with no one to talk too. My friends, family, and doctors have told me that my problems as all in my head. I have turned to this forum in hopes of finding some friendly and understanding people. I believe the cause of my problems was a bad mushroom trip a year and a half ago. this was my first trip ever. I was in kolob canyon in Zion national park in Utah. My friends and I were idiots and each ate 4 grams for our first time. The high hit me hard and I went walking off. I forgot who I was and even forgot that I was a human being. I thought that I was the only thing that existed. I thought that I had always been and would always be in this canyon. I some some mixed up memories of my life but I thought that I had made it all up to escape this eternal loneliness of existence. I was so out of it that I walked through an ice cold river with snow on each side. I couldn't register cold so I just thought that the energy that was generating my consciousness was being sucked out of me. I thought I would continuelly lose energy but couldn't register death. I was basically convinced that I was losing the ability to move and would continue to grow weaker and suffer more and more for an eternity. you could call it an icy he'll of some sort. the trip ended in a police care. My friend had apparently walked to the ranger station to look for me while screaming that the world was ending. this costed me 4000plus dollars and gave me a criminal record as well as a little jail time. Before getting hppd I thought that was the worst possible outcome I could've had.

I've tripped a few time since then (only ever mushrooms) and they were amazing trips that made me love life and question reality in very curious ways. I became good friends with an old philosophy professor. He taught me how to grow mushrooms. we went on a lot of hikes and had deep conversations about nature, beauty, life, and death. and most importantly we listened to a lot grateful dead. During this time I got a 4.0 in the honors physics program at the university of utah. things were looking up for me. I loved life, I was happy and wanted nothing more.

everything began to change on March 1st after ingesting a pot cookie. I began to panicked. I had a flash back not of my previous happy trips but my dark kolob trip. the same thought loops were forced through my head and it was even more horrific than the trip itself. I felt a little off the next day but I brushed it off. I was mostly in disbelief that what had happened to me the previous night was reall. that day in chemistry class I noticed tracers and got a little nervous as I had read about hppd back before ever trying mushrooms. other that the tracers and some coming and going snow I was fine for the following month until one day I woke up with a massive head ache, emotional detachment, and severe brain fog. I couldn't even remember the first half of the day. a couple day later the headache went away and I began to feel better. for the next few months the dpdr and brain fog came in gradually worsening waves. every time in got really bad I acquired a new symptom. I've developed auras, starbutsting, ghosting, floaters everywhere, tinnitus, and severe photosensitivity along with my vs, tracers, and worst of all brain fog and dpdr.

I don't really know what else to say. school is so difficult that I'm considering dropping out and throwing away my scholarships. I don't enjoy much and don't feel a reason to get up in the morning with the loss of emotions. I also forgot to mention that I get sharp pains all over in my head as well as head aches and head pressure. I used to enjoy nature and learning so much but without feeling deeply it's so hard to enjoy anything. I've never been depressed in my life until now. I felt that I had a natural gift for mathematics but it was taken from me. I guess I'm just having a hard time finding a point in life without the ability to think and feel. I also feel like I use to be so much more friendly and caring but that is leaving me as well. my wife doesn't even believe me and she has kicked me out as this has been emotionally taxing for her as well. we have a child together which makes it especially difficult. I don't know how my life went from amazing to total shit so incredibly fast.

sorry about the emotional rant and I know that every one here has similar stuggles. any reply would be greatly appreciated.

peace and love to all,

--Chase

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That's a troubling story.... The fact that the people around you are not being supportive makes it even harder.

 

I guess you have read up on all the best things to do to try to get better.... Healthy eating, exercise, no alcohol, no caffeine, no drugs and generally do everything to de-stress. If you have to leave college for a while, do so (maybe you can chat to your teacher and see if you can defer for a year?).

 

As you have had this a fairly short time, I think you can keep some optimism of getting better soon. Alot of people start seeing a marked improvement around the 6-12 month markk... So fingers crossed.

 

Good luck mate,

Jay

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Wow I got so freaked out after reading about ur horrible trip on mushrooms!!! Arrrrrr that wud fkn creep me the fuk out too!! I've never done mushrooms and I don't think I ever will !!!

I know exactly how u feel I don't do shit anymore unless I really really have to and am forced to. Life fuking sux with hppd and sensory and emotional detachment it's one of the most horrible non experiences u can go thru....have u tried any medication or even looked into faith healing ? I am lucky to have found john of god in Brazil to heal and cure my hppd although it's going to take a couple of trips but I've made progress.

Hppd is a fkn hell hole especially when it's with Dpdr ....it must be rlly fkn tough to deal with this shit and have no one fkn believe you, especially having a wife and a kid!!

I hope u find some relief I rlly do

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I wouldn't panic... that is just a pattern i've seen from people on here, over the years. I'm sure there is much more to it that my simple observations.

 

There seems to be 3 main stages of recovery.

 

Gone in 3 months (the lucky ones).

 

A reduction in symptoms from around 6 months onwards.

 

An acceptance, with the long termers, at around the 3 year mark, that helps them move on with life with hppd.

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from 6 months onwards Jess..... You only just hit that point.

 

Like I said, this is just my guesswork from what people have said on here.... It is not like it starts on day 1 of that six month period... It could be month 12.

 

Also, people have made full recoveries at various random times... 2 years in, 7 years in... I just noted the 3 main patterns that I have seen.

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Yeah, Jay is right that for some (maybe more than seems logical), there are points of recovery.  ie- 2 year, 7 years.

I hate to be cliche, but, yeah, time is the great healer.  

I can also say that in times like this you realize who your real friends are, (meaning when the going gets tough). 

 

Most of us have had our lives gone in a complete 180.

I would say a huge, huge percentage of us. 

And another large percentage of people here have terrible cascades of events that leave the person's life crumbing to the ground, or toppling over like a game of Jenga.

 

All you can do is hang on to any semblance of pleasure or interest.

We all have been, or are, going through the same exact thing!

 

Just remember Riders on the Storm:

 

"...Take a long holiday...... Let your children play...."

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Jay--

thanks for the reply. I have been debating on taking time off school but it would mean losing a scholarship I can not defer. I just started school last week with 15 credits hours and it's been tough. I have read a little on what I can do.

cutting out caffeine is difficult with school but I'm doing my best. I drink small amounts of alcohol now and again but it doesn't seem to affect me. I'm meeting with a psych next week and I'm hoping they will believe me. I'd like to try keppra as I've read some success stories with it.

MissJess--

Life with hppd really sucks I agree. it sounds like we've had hppd for the same amount of time as I've just passed the 6 month mark a couple days ago. hopefully we will be some of the lucky ones.

mg--

I'm definitely trying to hold on to what I still have left. Have you noticed any recovery? if so at what point did you first notice healing taking place?

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Well. Despite what everyone says, I think hppd is a mental illness not too different than let's say bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or PTSD.

You're perceptions are persistently disordered.

Sounds like any mental illness I can think of.

And when it ceases to be, it ceases to be persistent.

Maybe a predispotion to perceptual/mental disorders is a genetic "defect" and we were meant to be extinct.

I really don't know when it ends.

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Well. Despite what everyone says, I think hppd is a mental illness not too different than let's say bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or PTSD.

You're perceptions are persistently disordered.

Sounds like any mental illness I can think of.

And when it ceases to be, it ceases to be persistent.

Maybe a predispotion to perceptual/mental disorders is a genetic "defect" and we were meant to be extinct.

I really don't know when it ends.

Hppd is just a terrible condition absolutely terrible ...who wants to wake up with a chronically distorted perception 24 fuking 7 day in and day out !!

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I feel ya, jess.  It's no fun.  

 

The really messed up part is that all the stuff that is hard anyway; it's shit that would be difficult without HPPD or mental illness.  People give you platitudes for advice, like some bs catchphrase to explain getting through the struggles of life.  Try and come up with a platitude for how life is hard with HPPD (the other "regular" hard shit, we haven't even gotten to).  Uggh. 

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