My Intro

[Naldarrin]

Giving this a shot.

Hi.  I'm V.  I've been dealing with this for 27 years now.  Today, I stumbled across this site, and it's been mind-blowing.  I've never met anyone who suffered from this as well and thought I was alone.  My story is strange, so I'll get the nasty part out of the way.

When I was 13, I was kidnapped, force fed LSD, raped, and eventually suffocated and left for dead.  I don't know how I'm still above ground.  I should probably be a drooling wreck. In all honesty, I only partially knew what happened until about 2 years ago.  Answers don't always make it better. 

Ever since, I've lived life with these effects.  Colors change, shift and flow. Dots or snow that fades in and out.  Shadows that skitter around on occasion. The Nausea inducing kaleidoscope effect that certain patterns make. I could go on for a while. Most times, you learn to ignore it.  On good days, I've learned to enjoy the colored lights and the world the way I see it, almost magical.  Bad days, I'm hiding in my home because everything is overwhelming.

I've never told anyone about these.  I put on a mask, who I thought everyone wanted to see, and lived my life with the rule that the mask must never slip. That meant allowing everyone around me to think whatever they did...just so long as no one ever found out.  My life was ruled by fear and insecurity, though you'd never known it.  I shoved it all deep down and did my best to pretend it wasn't anything.  

 3 years ago, my marriage ended.  I had pushed my mental health to the backburner too long.  Memories began to return and for the first time, the hallucinations began to get in the way.  I honestly thought I was going crazy.  I finally told everyone what had happened, what I see daily, tried to understand.  

With the exception of my ex-wife, everyone has supported me.  My teenage kids opted to stay with me, teir acceptance and love have elped me be able to take the mask off.  They have even helped me learn to actually make jokes about what i see.  My entire family has gone out of their way to understand what is happening with me, walking step by step with me.  Then, today, I found this site.  I don't know how much I'll post, being open with people is not something I'm good at. 

Yet, I wanted to say this.  Even during my best years, I was isolated.  I thought I was the crazy guy hiding in plain sight.  But reading things on here, I've realized that I'm not the only person with this.  Kinda hard to be the only person who deals with the visuals when you learn there's an actual term for it.  Thats the biggest thing I wrote this to say.  Nothing isolates a person like thinking they are a freak.  Opening up about this has been more frightening than living with it.  Reading some of the intros and discussions on here, I'm finding descriptions of things I've never told anyone.  Then it hit me.  I'm not alone in this.  And neither are You.  

I thank you all for this.  For making this site, for being courageous enough to share.  

V

[Jay1]

Hi V, thanks for sharing your story. What a horrendous event, that you survived that and carved out a life for yourself tells a lot of your mental fortitude.

I'm glad you have found this community and finally have found a name for this disorder and people in similar situations. It's a very liberating feeling. 

I'm sure you will be busy looking through posts on here, learning new coping techniques and possible medication etc... But if you have any specific questions, ask away! 

All the best, Jay