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Hppd and suicidal


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  • 2 weeks later...

Yep, it really can get hellish, at times. When I used to drink a lot (self medication) I really hit a darkness that I look back on now and am amazed I survived and even got a lot of shit done. 

I find that taking this condition day by day makes it a bit more palatable, that and klonopin!

Keep fighting everyone, better days do come.

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Many thanks Jay you are awesome and I can totally relate what you're saying..

At present this is the very darkest moment of my entire life beyond anything I've experienced and been extremely traumatic and stressful. 

Due to this high levels of stress and trauma has made my condition a lot worse ( I'm already super high spectrum hppd) and have upped my dose of K pin anywhere between 3.5 mils 5.5 mils per evening. 

I suspect that this may be inducing some suicidal ideation and was nearly hospitalised again the other evening.

The reason this time has been extremely traumatic and stressful is because there has been a situation involving the legal system / Court, may have to attend... 

Though I can honestly say with the truth of my all my heart and  soul that I have not done anything unlawful. 

Though it hurts massively because it involves my career and everything I've done over the past 30 years to help me manage my condition majority of the time naturally.

Thankyou for your ongoing support. 


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Tho generally at the end of the day when I'm feeling suicidal or possibly having these types of thoughts it's generally with the intent to escape symptomologies that have been greatly exacerbated... That don't switch off.. that are generally too much for any human being to endure, in my opinion/ perspective. 

Edited by Spartan
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I feel your pain, mate... I had the same feelings when I was put on Prozac... Such a horrible feeling that just further compounds the misery of HPPD. 

I'm sure most of us on here have thought about ending the pain, but also love our friends/family and can see that better days can come.

Dealing with severe hppd reminds me a bit of the lyric from Bohemian Rhapsody "I don't wanna die, i sometimes wish i'd never been born at all"..... I don't want to inflict the misery of suicide on my family (and also know that the really bad times don't stay forever)... But I do sometimes literally wish i'd never been born, where my life of pain didn't exist and the concept of hurting my friends/family doesn't come into it. 

I hope you starting to see light at the end of the tunnel soon... Reach out any time.

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Thank you Jay that is super cool and awesome agreed 100%..

I really love the poem that you shared with us! 

This is one that has also resonated with me with hppd  at times... and seeing as I have many traditional   scars on my body as I underwent full body tribal initiation at the age of 17.

Many thanks again 🙏


To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right, the un-rightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, strong and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To fight the unbeatable foe
To reach the unreachable star
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