Hppd and suicidal

[Spartan]

.

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Spartan

[Jay1]

I hope you are doing ok... Keep on fighting, mate... PM me if you need anything

[Spartan]

Many thanks Jay 

I appreciate that 

Charlie reached out on what's app 

Thabkyou

[Spartan]

hppders have to be some of the strongest Mofos period. 

[Spartan]

Journey to the depths of hell

 

 

Edited April 21, 2023 by Spartan

[Jay1]

Yep, it really can get hellish, at times. When I used to drink a lot (self medication) I really hit a darkness that I look back on now and am amazed I survived and even got a lot of shit done. 

I find that taking this condition day by day makes it a bit more palatable, that and klonopin!

Keep fighting everyone, better days do come.

[Spartan]

Many thanks Jay you are awesome and I can totally relate what you're saying..

At present this is the very darkest moment of my entire life beyond anything I've experienced and been extremely traumatic and stressful. 

Due to this high levels of stress and trauma has made my condition a lot worse ( I'm already super high spectrum hppd) and have upped my dose of K pin anywhere between 3.5 mils 5.5 mils per evening. 

I suspect that this may be inducing some suicidal ideation and was nearly hospitalised again the other evening.

The reason this time has been extremely traumatic and stressful is because there has been a situation involving the legal system / Court, may have to attend... 

Though I can honestly say with the truth of my all my heart and  soul that I have not done anything unlawful. 

Though it hurts massively because it involves my career and everything I've done over the past 30 years to help me manage my condition majority of the time naturally.

Thankyou for your ongoing support. 

 

[Spartan]

Tho generally at the end of the day when I'm feeling suicidal or possibly having these types of thoughts it's generally with the intent to escape symptomologies that have been greatly exacerbated... That don't switch off.. that are generally too much for any human being to endure, in my opinion/ perspective. 

Edited April 23, 2023 by Spartan

[Spartan]

Like 30 + years is a really long time...

[Spartan]

[Spartan]

It's all good I won't do it ( I am safe ) cannot do because I love my family too much etc...  tho have to say this is something I have seen experiencing quite strongly at times. 

[Spartan]

I will get through this make a strong come back . Keep fighting. I am a warrior. 

Thanks again

[Jay1]

I feel your pain, mate... I had the same feelings when I was put on Prozac... Such a horrible feeling that just further compounds the misery of HPPD. 

I'm sure most of us on here have thought about ending the pain, but also love our friends/family and can see that better days can come.

Dealing with severe hppd reminds me a bit of the lyric from Bohemian Rhapsody "I don't wanna die, i sometimes wish i'd never been born at all"..... I don't want to inflict the misery of suicide on my family (and also know that the really bad times don't stay forever)... But I do sometimes literally wish i'd never been born, where my life of pain didn't exist and the concept of hurting my friends/family doesn't come into it. 

I hope you starting to see light at the end of the tunnel soon... Reach out any time.

[Spartan]

Thank you Jay that is super cool and awesome agreed 100%..

I really love the poem that you shared with us! 

This is one that has also resonated with me with hppd  at times... and seeing as I have many traditional   scars on my body as I underwent full body tribal initiation at the age of 17.

Many thanks again

 

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right, the un-rightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, strong and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To fight the unbeatable foe
To reach the unreachable star

[AF44]

On 4/23/2023 at 12:54 AM, Spartan said:

Like 30 + years is a really long time...

Dude I hear you. I’ve had this crap for over 25 years

[Spartan]

Yeah it's fucking hardcore 

 

[AF44]

On 8/6/2024 at 3:28 AM, Spartan said:

Yeah it's fucking hardcore 

 

Fo sho. But we are hardcore!! Strong bad-asses who are stubborn and never give up!!! HPPD WARRIORS LET’S GO!!!!

[AF44]

Just now, AF44 said:

Fo sho. But we are hardcore!! Strong bad-asses who are stubborn and never give up!!! HPPD WARRIORS LET’S GO!!!!

Haha. “HPPD Warriors” sounds like a school mascot

[Spartan]

On 8/9/2024 at 6:21 AM, AF44 said:

Fo sho. But we are hardcore!! Strong bad-asses who are stubborn and never give up!!! HPPD WARRIORS LET’S GO!!!!

yeah.. i mean to endure something like this for decades.. passing through uncountable breaking points, it is quite unfathomable.. i mean what I / many of us deal with is truly brutal torturous shit. that's why i always honor of myself as the strongest motherfucker* referring to people in my immediate physical environment. no one could even come close to comprehending what it is actually like.

1000 pardons / sorry to be so doom and gloom. my condition is the worst / most severe it has ever been at present due to sickening circumstances.

every time i call a help line and share my symptoms they always say go to the hospital

Edited August 12, 2024 by Spartan

[Spartan]

anyone who can cold turkey of 6 mills of Klonopin is a true warrior hehe

 

[AF44]

8 hours ago, Spartan said:

yeah.. i mean to endure something like this for decades.. passing through uncountable breaking points, it is quite unfathomable.. i mean what I / many of us deal with is truly brutal torturous shit. that's why i always honor of myself as the strongest motherfucker* referring to people in my immediate physical environment. no one could even come close to comprehending what it is actually like.

1000 pardons / sorry to be so doom and gloom. my condition is the worst / most severe it has ever been at present due to sickening circumstances.

every time i call a help line and share my symptoms they always say go to the hospital

Oh no, I am SO sorry to hear that!! Help lines seem to not be too “helpful” when it comes to certain issues. They can’t do much except just say, go to the hospital. Then you go and since your symptoms sound “crazy,” they end up putting you into one of those horribly undignified rooms in the ER while they watch every move you make and you have to wear those awful paper scrubs and then sit there for hours until some psych evaluator comes to make sure you’re not going to commit suicide. Once they’ve determined that you’re not, they send you home with a stupid “safety plan” and tell you to make a follow up with your therapist. Idk if that’s how it works there, but that’s how it is here. So, hours of your life you’ll never get back, plus a fat hospital bill to go along with it. I read that you mentioned going cold turkey off 6 mg Klonopin???? Did I read that right?? How and why!!? Doesn’t ANY doctor on this planet know you can’t do that or it could very well be fatal? And even if not, the withdrawals are unbearable, especially for those of us who have HPPD. I take 3 mg every day and if I didn’t have it all of a sudden, I would spiral into hell, I’m sure. It’s always a fear of mine. I will be praying for you as hard as I can. You are strong beyond words and I believe you will get through this.

[Spartan]

7 hours ago, AF44 said:

Oh no, I am SO sorry to hear that!! Help lines seem to not be too “helpful” when it comes to certain issues. They can’t do much except just say, go to the hospital. Then you go and since your symptoms sound “crazy,” they end up putting you into one of those horribly undignified rooms in the ER while they watch every move you make and you have to wear those awful paper scrubs and then sit there for hours until some psych evaluator comes to make sure you’re not going to commit suicide. Once they’ve determined that you’re not, they send you home with a stupid “safety plan” and tell you to make a follow up with your therapist. Idk if that’s how it works there, but that’s how it is here. So, hours of your life you’ll never get back, plus a fat hospital bill to go along with it. I read that you mentioned going cold turkey off 6 mg Klonopin???? Did I read that right?? How and why!!? Doesn’t ANY doctor on this planet know you can’t do that or it could very well be fatal? And even if not, the withdrawals are unbearable, especially for those of us who have HPPD. I take 3 mg every day and if I didn’t have it all of a sudden, I would spiral into hell, I’m sure. It’s always a fear of mine. I will be praying for you as hard as I can. You are strong beyond words and I believe you will get through this.

Thankyou brother! That really means alot to me. 

Yes your description of the ER or crisis stabilisation unit is generally exact. Tho fortunately in Australia the public system is free. Yeah the system here is so broken, especially in this part of Australia, they are like 20 years behind anywhere else in the country. 

Yes! The 6 mills klonopin cold turkey was beyond hell. I did the first 4 days nights under supervision in hospital, with small doses of valium and endone to hold me over. In hospital I was having psychotic hallucinations due to withdraws, like the nurse would come to give me medicine (though it never happened and was just a withdrawal psychosis) 

After the 4 days they released me, I went straight to my GP because it was unbearable, he sent me straight back to hospital via ambulance. This time there was a huge wait time and I could not get in after waiting 8 hours.

At this stage went home with absolutely nothing and that's when the withdrawals truly kicked in. I was beyond sick chucking my guts up and could not walk (due to spasms)  or leave bed  for the first 2 weeks.  

I took at least 8 weeks for withdrawal symptoms to start to lessen. 

The doctor who cut me off was an absolute bitch to do that. I was frantic trying to find another dispenser with numerous attempts tho could not. That's when I had to present to emergency. 

Could easily take action against her seeing it was a life threatening situation though will just leave that for now. 

I understand your fears about having klonopin cut most definitely!! Me also..

I just returned from new psyche, he has increased my Klonopin dose to now 1.5 mills daily and also on 100mg of limactal daily. 

Thankyou for the encouraging words man! Yes we all have to get though this.. will keep on keeping on. I hope you are doing well. Will keep you in my prayers also. 

 

Edited August 13, 2024 by Spartan

[AF44]

On 8/12/2024 at 6:44 PM, Spartan said:

Thankyou brother! That really means alot to me. 

Yes your description of the ER or crisis stabilisation unit is generally exact. Tho fortunately in Australia the public system is free. Yeah the system here is so broken, especially in this part of Australia, they are like 20 years behind anywhere else in the country. 

Yes! The 6 mills klonopin cold turkey was beyond hell. I did the first 4 days nights under supervision in hospital, with small doses of valium and endone to hold me over. In hospital I was having psychotic hallucinations due to withdraws, like the nurse would come to give me medicine (though it never happened and was just a withdrawal psychosis) 

After the 4 days they released me, I went straight to my GP because it was unbearable, he sent me straight back to hospital via ambulance. This time there was a huge wait time and I could not get in after waiting 8 hours.

At this stage went home with absolutely nothing and that's when the withdrawals truly kicked in. I was beyond sick chucking my guts up and could not walk (due to spasms)  or leave bed  for the first 2 weeks.  

I took at least 8 weeks for withdrawal symptoms to start to lessen. 

The doctor who cut me off was an absolute bitch to do that. I was frantic trying to find another dispenser with numerous attempts tho could not. That's when I had to present to emergency. 

Could easily take action against her seeing it was a life threatening situation though will just leave that for now. 

I understand your fears about having klonopin cut most definitely!! Me also..

I just returned from new psyche, he has increased my Klonopin dose to now 1.5 mills daily and also on 100mg of limactal daily. 

Thankyou for the encouraging words man! Yes we all have to get though this.. will keep on keeping on. I hope you are doing well. Will keep you in my prayers also. 

 

Omg I got the heebie jeebies reading your reply!! It all sounds so sickeningly horrible, I can’t even bear to think about it. How could any prescriber think that was ok to do to you? When you are up to it, I would definitely sue for medical malpractice. I literally don’t get it. For one, a few years ago I was going to community college to become a Pharmacy Technician. I had to take classes on how medications work, blah blah, and also I def have my own experiences to go by. If I miss even 1 dose of my Klonopin I feel really crummy. Can’t think straight at all and get DP/DR, sparks in my vision, and just that general feeling of fuckery. And that’s if I were to miss ONE out of the three (1 mg) pills I take in the day. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been on it every day for about 14 years (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this so many times people want to smack me upside the head ) so I do have a tolerance to it, I still have HPPD symptoms, am also on other psych meds, but after 14 years of taking it every single day, if I was cut off like that I would literally die. Don’t get me wrong, it helps my HPPD symptoms immensely, so they’re nowhere near as bad as when I wasn’t on it. 
You said you’ve had it for 30 years? Did it get worse as the years went by? How old were you when you got it? I was 19 (almost 20) and it was August of 1998. Mine seemed to (I guess) ease up as time went by, sometimes I wouldn’t notice it too much, or sometimes it would be awful. (Before I was on Klonopin.) Since I didn’t know what it was, I was probably unknowingly doing stuff that made it worse, like drinking a lot of caffeine and trying supplements and all that. Also drinking a whole bunch of energy drinks towards the end (before I found out what it was.) The energy drinks just about ruined me. I also took cold medications when I was sick, so that made it HORRIBLE. 
Anyway, I’m due to pick up my prescription today. I think, whew! I can “live” another month! Which is good bcuz my son starts school on the 27th. I don’t, but I am busy with errands and such, and my husband has to work so much there’s no way he’d be able to do everything. Also my grown daughters live away (oldest is in the Navy and stationed in California, younger daughter is in college in Montana and I live in Oregon) and I love FaceTiming with them and seeing my grandkids over the phone. My oldest son lives about 20 minutes away, he has a son, meaning I have another grandkid close by that I can actually see on a regular basis. Sooo…I want to have at least some mental faculties about me, or how could I talk to them and see them? It makes me so depressed. I pray A LOT. I’m rambling! So sorry! Not only that, but I’m being a big bummer Keep us updated, as you always do.

[AF44]

2 minutes ago, AF44 said:

Omg I got the heebie jeebies reading your reply!! It all sounds so sickeningly horrible, I can’t even bear to think about it. How could any prescriber think that was ok to do to you? When you are up to it, I would definitely sue for medical malpractice. I literally don’t get it. For one, a few years ago I was going to community college to become a Pharmacy Technician. I had to take classes on how medications work, blah blah, and also I def have my own experiences to go by. If I miss even 1 dose of my Klonopin I feel really crummy. Can’t think straight at all and get DP/DR, sparks in my vision, and just that general feeling of fuckery. And that’s if I were to miss ONE out of the three (1 mg) pills I take in the day. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been on it every day for about 14 years (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this so many times people want to smack me upside the head ) so I do have a tolerance to it, I still have HPPD symptoms, am also on other psych meds, but after 14 years of taking it every single day, if I was cut off like that I would literally die. Don’t get me wrong, it helps my HPPD symptoms immensely, so they’re nowhere near as bad as when I wasn’t on it. 
You said you’ve had it for 30 years? Did it get worse as the years went by? How old were you when you got it? I was 19 (almost 20) and it was August of 1998. Mine seemed to (I guess) ease up as time went by, sometimes I wouldn’t notice it too much, or sometimes it would be awful. (Before I was on Klonopin.) Since I didn’t know what it was, I was probably unknowingly doing stuff that made it worse, like drinking a lot of caffeine and trying supplements and all that. Also drinking a whole bunch of energy drinks towards the end (before I found out what it was.) The energy drinks just about ruined me. I also took cold medications when I was sick, so that made it HORRIBLE. 
Anyway, I’m due to pick up my prescription today. I think, whew! I can “live” another month! Which is good bcuz my son starts school on the 27th. I don’t, but I am busy with errands and such, and my husband has to work so much there’s no way he’d be able to do everything. Also my grown daughters live away (oldest is in the Navy and stationed in California, younger daughter is in college in Montana and I live in Oregon) and I love FaceTiming with them and seeing my grandkids over the phone. My oldest son lives about 20 minutes away, he has a son, meaning I have another grandkid close by that I can actually see on a regular basis. Sooo…I want to have at least some mental faculties about me, or how could I talk to them and see them? It makes me so depressed. I pray A LOT. I’m rambling! So sorry! Not only that, but I’m being a big bummer Keep us updated, as you always do.

I mean I don’t work lol

[yarkadin]

Truly horrifying story and experience above, going cold turkey on benzos... I've heard here in the USA of people being thrown in prison without their medication, just casually with no interest.  Those are Americans for you, but in Australia and New Zealand I have also contacts who have told me about the carelessness of their institutions.  I don't know how one can show any magnanimity toward someone so blithely involved in the destruction of one's life.   I would have done *something*.  I feel the longer I live the less tolerance I have for scum like this, people who either lead their lives off a prepared script or crash through like a runaway train with no care in the world for the damage they are causing. You take away as much, if not more, from your negative and traumatic experiences as you do your positive ones, nothing original or revelatory about that.  "Here is an example of how not to behave, of how not to be a human being".  Ultimately it's a matter of survival and the organism rearranging itself to pull itself into the next day.  Only people who have experienced trauma firsthand can ever understand what that means.

Edited August 15, 2024 by yarkadin