Feelings of Death 25 NBOME

[FLzt47]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my story, if you have any answers on how to seek treatment that would be great.

I started smoking marijuana in Fall of 2014. I got addicted to it by Spring of 2015 and had to smoke it every day, multiple times a day, I couldn’t go without being high. Soon I got into psychedelics in December of 2014. I started with what I thought was LSD. I say thought because I never tested the chemical compounds, so I don’t ever know what I took or the dosage(s). My tripping buddy and I would always smoke marijuana first to enhance the trips. I would take LSD orally usually on blank white tab(s). I then got into psilocybin mushrooms (psychedelics). I would trip on and off with my tripping buddy once every three months, alternating between the two while still smoking marijuana daily. I had a bad trip in January of 2016 and I have never been the same. My tripping buddy came over and I started a new job at a tavern that day as a dishwasher. I got home around 1030 pm. I brought fish home. We smoked weed first, and then we tripped. He told me to only take half a tab, I didn’t listen and I took the whole tab. First, I looked at it and there was a picture of a sad girl in black and white. I said to myself this is going to be a bad trip. About one hour in, I thought I was going to die, I went into LSD toxic psychosis, it felt like I was poisoned by the fish. I told him he needed to save me because I felt like I was dying, he was a lifeguard at the time. He put on familiar voices for me on Youtube such as Terence Mckenna and Pink Floyd, that drew me out of it for a little bit. I woke up the next morning around 8 am and felt like I was still dying. The physical symptoms I feel are a tingly feeling in the upper left region of my scalp. There is this constant choking feeling in the left side of my throat. My heart always feels like it is going to beat out of my heart and is heavily stressed and has a lot of pain to it, like it has been cut in half. I have an empty feeling in the bottom left side of my gut. Sometimes it feels like spikes are trying to break through the large load of depression that is in there. The mental symptoms are severe anxiety, major depressive disorder, and severely mentally drained, and not being able to think clearly. I have been stuck in this state ever since. I think about committing suicide a lot but I don't. That drug has left me empty inside, it has taken everything out of me, and I have been crawling my way through hell for over 5 years. After that bad trip I quit drugs cold turkey and I haven’t relapsed since. I still think about doing drugs a lot, people say you can’t get addicted to marijuana. I still crave it multiple times a week, among other drugs. I have tried some SSRIs, an SNRI, and some anti-psychotics. These drugs have made me feel more suicidal and depressed, so I stopped them after taking them some shorter than other, the longest being clonapin at 5 mg for about 9 months. I have talked to therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, I have had an MRI that came back clean. I worked with a homeopathic doctor that I did neurotransmitting testing with and who gave me supplements, I have put myself in a psyche ward on two different occasions, once for a week, another for 2 months to try and get myself better. No one has seemed to be able to help me and I am looking to overcome this once and for all. 

 

[cosmiccharlie]

Hello, 

You sound like you're in a tough place, I'm sorry to hear that.  This is a difficult disorder and everyones experience is a little different.  I tell everyone the same thing:

• Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) 
• Get as much sleep as you can 
• Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Eat well 
• Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc
• Try not to worry 
• Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) 
• If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion and you don't even have to believe in anything just ask for help on your knees everyday.  I really believe help will come if we reach out)

I take it a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time.  The emotional turmoil can be disturbing and debilitating.  However, you are on a good path.  Stay off drugs and your mind will have a chance to recover.  I know it seems like it's been a long time and maybe you feel hopeless but I think it took me about 5-6 years to feel like myself again after my first major romp with psychedelics.  My advice to you is put your body and mind in the best possible conditions by living a healthy, mindful lifestyle.  Stay strong and stay positive. 

Take Care,

Nick 

[FLzt47]

Thank you Nick. I don't do any drugs now. I started exercising again, it's funny you say even if you feel worse. because sometimes I do while working out, but I feel better after. Eating well is something I can work on. I need to find a job I like, not to happy now and it makes my symptoms worse. Trying not to worry is really hard, I'm scared a lot because of my suicidal ideations and my intrusive thoughts tear me apart and I don't know how things will turn out. God is something I can work on.

What are your experiences? 

[cosmiccharlie]

So the suicidal ideation is scary, something I have been through (just the thoughts not the action or attempted action).  I myself have OCD and depression and I have been on an SSRI (Zoloft) for about 3 years which has really helped calm me down. One of the hallmarks of OCD are intrusive thoughts and the meds have also helped with these.  I found that a lot of my HPPD symptoms were exacerbated by anxiety and if I minimized anxiety HPPD became less of a problem.  I'm not saying you need to be on meds and I'm not a doctor but this is something that has helped me.  It may be worth talking to a doctor about possible options; they can improve the quality of your life.  

God is something we can all work on!  Lots of people get turned off because of blanket assertions made by various religions.  I have found that just having an open mind, and even no conviction about ones conception of God can be helpful.  I personally believe that each of us contains an eternal element that in some way is a part of God.  But the definition of God is something no one will ever truly know and we are probably not capable anyway.  I have found that going inward helped me connect with that special part of me. Also, helping others is another way to get there.  I think each of us needs to find our own personal conception of all this and it's a life long journey that will never have a conclusion (maybe after we die but who knows).  Anyway, meditation has helped me with this, going into nature, appreciating the beauty of the universe.  Meditation is also very helpful for HPPD! I treat it like an exercise for my brain and spirit, everyday I have a strict routine and it's gotten easier over the years.  The beginning is difficult but the benefits are immense. 

I'm sort of rambling now so I'll stop here.  Hang in there and keep us posted, you're going to be fine. 

Take Care,

Nick 

[FLzt47]

Thank you Nick.