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The feeling of Hopelessness

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I’ve been dealing with HPPD for about 5 years now. I got hppd from smoking synthetic cannibinoids from age 14 to 16. Then when I was 17 - 20, knowing something wasn’t right with my mental health, I continued drug use by taking LSD about 8 times , mushrooms 4 times , and Ecstasy about 4 times and smoking pot everyday multiple times a day for about 5 years. I understand my decisions weren’t wise considering I knew something was wrong. But honestly I was taking more drugs to numb myself from the feeling I was having sober. I tried telling family that I felt stuck in an lsd trip permanently. My family that has taken lsd couldn’t relate because they haven’t gotten hppd so they always shrugged it off. I met my current girlfriend in 2016 and luckily she is the strongest women in the world. I opened up to her about my symptoms last year and we looked together online for answers. I was severely suicidal at the end of last year and beginning of this year. Without her I probably wouldn’t be here today. Sorry if I’m all over the place with this , I am writing this on the fly while at work. My symptoms were light at first then over the years got worse and worse. Up until last year when they got so intense life seemed unbearable. Waking up every morning and the very first second of every day being static, or “visual snow” and then going to work and not feeling real, or my attention span being so shot I couldn’t focus on simple activities or duties at my job. My interactions with people are horrible as the whole time I’m speaking I’m panicking in my head . Over time I’ve learned that anxiety is the biggest trigger for my hppd. When I’m happy doing things I love like making music, hanging with family and friends, my hppd seems to be less bothersome. But sometimes even doing things I love don’t get rid of the feeling of me not being real. And in those times I feel hopeless. I’ve decided that I should go to the doctor and will tomorrow. I’m just nervous about it because I don’t want to be misdiagnosed or given the wrong medication. Then also reading these forums and hearing some people say keppra and clonzepam worked wonders , while others say it didn’t work at all makes me feel even more hopeless. At this point I have nothing to lose so I’m going to try anything I can. Just wanted to share my story and I will update when I can. I pray that you all and myself get better and can spread awareness of this disorder. Peace and love. 

Edited by Needinghelp
Felt like the title wasn’t appropriate
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Been in your same shoes far too often since getting HPPD nearly four years ago. Here's what I do know: If and when your symptoms worsen it's due to something in your environment. It's the same principle as any other injury that gets exacerbated by an outside force. Unfortunately with HPPD we often can't see or know what that is.

The best thing you can do when suicidal is to talk to someone immediately and establish connections with close friends and family. You don't have to tell them what's going on inside your head but just the mere fact of being close to other people is a lifesaver. Suicidal ideation thrives in isolation and those who attempt suicide are almost always withdrawn to some degree. 

You also need to immediately address your anxiety. In my experience anxiety is triggered by toxins and autoimmunity. I know this isn't always the case for everyone but considering one third of Millennials have anxiety I'm pretty sure there's a common denominator. I also know that when I've completely cleaned up my diet my anxiety has disappeared. Cut out the gluten, dairy, sugar, fast food, virtually anything that comes prepackaged. Cook at home using mostly vegetables (lots of greens!) and healthy proteins. If you need some sort of immediate relief I'd go with herbs like passionflower, chamomile, peppermint, bacopa, valerian, etc. CBD is also one with some great anti-anxiety benefits. Additionally, meditation, exercise (especially long distance running to work up a sweat), getting outside, engaging with art, etc., should all be part of your daily routine. 

The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you're not gonna find a single pill that's gonna suddenly correct an entire lifetime of trauma and mental illness. I used to think that way just like most people in the Western world. Unfortunately I had to figure out the hard way that health doesn't work like that. It takes hundreds and hundreds of small little things every single day to truly save yourself and regain your health. You have to put in the work. But if you truly want to live and want to turn your life around you can do it -- anyone can. 

If you need any help feel free to DM me. For now, just get started with some of this stuff, get your foot in the door and make tiny progress tomorrow, then the next day, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you eventually get your head above water. You can do it man. If I can, anyone can. 

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Try to let go of any guilt about further drug taking... Most of us have been in the same place and tried to self medicate... It's a natural response and one you made without having any info about hppd. 

Regarding meds, I think you will find some relief with clonazepam... It really helps with my visuals, dpdr and anxiety. It comes with a BIG risk though... Addiction and tolerance. My advice is, if it works, try a 3.5 days on, 3.5 days off regime... With occasional 2 week breaks. This has proved to be a sweet spot for me for 10+ years now and has literally saved my life.

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I would try the 3.5 days on, 3.5 days off regime to "reset" benzo tolerance, but unfortunately either I take my benzo or massive brain fog sets in. It's getting better though since my last symptom worsening. Not 100% yet, maybe a 60%, but I'm getting there.

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On 4/13/2019 at 7:11 AM, drone33 said:

I would try the 3.5 days on, 3.5 days off regime to "reset" benzo tolerance

I've read many anectodal reports on nootropics forums about fasoracetam reseting/lowering benzo tolerance via upregulating GABA-B receptors. Maybe do some reasearch and give it a try.

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