need some advice

[Cbc53]

When i first got hppd i didn’t know it was a thing around last october. From then til recently I would still trip, roll, do k, coke, dmt even though i never broke through, and smoke weed daily. During that time i definitely was doing drugs more frequently then i’d like to admit looking back i can definitely see I should have done more research as well as take longer breaks in between substances and not combine so much at festivals specifically. Before that time though for the span of like may to august  first tried mdma and was doing it almost once a week, sometimes 2 times a weekend but that wasn’t as often. Fast forward to know i discovered this forum and have read many stories on reddit and such but my experience isn’t really that similar to anyone elses. When i’m sober all i really get is visual snow and i don’t even think about it. I work a full time job as a salesmen (I’m 19 btw) and I am learning to produce music as well i just got FL studios. I have been a daily smoker for 3 years mainly cus it just chills me out and really helps w my OCD. Now when i smoke i do have to be careful because if i smoke too much i will get pretty intense visuals my head kinda just feels weird and trippy and if i smoke like a whole lot i’ll get paranoid but if i just smoke a lil i’m normally fine and not even bothered by the visuals. The visuals don’t look like I just dosed a tab they look outta place and just ugly tbh maybe like CEVs sorta there goemetric but there just there whether or not my eyes are open or closed and the more i smoke the harder they come but there only like real distracting in a super dark room with no T.V. on or anything. But when the high passes they just fade back to visual snow mainly. I obviously want to get rid of this I am abstaining from psychedelics for the foreseeable future i really hope this does go away so I can trip responsibly once again maybe in the future. But I am trying to even cut out weed as well just so that my life is more productive anyway it’s just not easy because it’s been so long. But what I mean really asking advice on is, If i don’t completely cut out all drugs for good is there any chance i have of recovering or at least not getting any worse because rn it doesn’t really bother me unless a I smoke too much weed (or take acid my last few trips before i figured out what hppd was were just getting less and less enjoyable and i would always start to throwup which I never did before and then my last trip after i got home from a hippie sabotage show i felt like some type of entity possessed a poster of an alien in my room and was warning me i need to stop and i felt like it trying to pull me into another reality to see my death it got dark) But my main question is If i cut down on my drug use hugely, but still maybe once every few months take a low dose of mdma or k or something like that at a festival do I still have a chance? I really do not wanna fuck myself up worse but I am also still really young and having to cut any and all drug use forever just sucks i wish i was a lot more responsible from the beginning but i also know people that have done 3x as much as what I ever have with no hppd whatsoever so I really don’t get it. Any advice would be appreciated as my parents are old fashioned asf and none of my friends know anything about this condition so I really don’t get much help.

Edited April 3, 2019 by Cbc53

[Jay1]

No one can answer those questions.. You might be ok, you might completely ruin your life. It sounds like you got incredibly lucky to come through the other end and have a form of hppd that can be managed. I'd quit while you are ahead. I was in your situation and carried on pushing my luck and got totally fucked over and have had life altering, severe hppd for 24 years now. 

You say that quitting drugs would suck.... What sucks FAR more is not being able to have 1 moment of the rest of your life with any kind of peace or true happiness. What sucks is not being able to maintain eye contact with your wife as her face swirls and distorts... Or not being able to chat to your parents without crippling anxiety. Or going to a job interview feeling like you are on acid. 

You'll only realise how amazing peaceful sobriety is when it is no long an option.

[Jagermeister]

2 hours ago, Jay1 said:

No one can answer those questions.. You might be ok, you might completely ruin your life. It sounds like you got incredibly lucky to come through the other end and have a form of hppd that can be managed. I'd quit while you are ahead. I was in your situation and carried on pushing my luck and got totally fucked over and have had life altering, severe hppd for 24 years now. 

You say that quitting drugs would suck.... What sucks FAR more is not being able to have 1 moment of the rest of your life with any kind of peace or true happiness. What sucks is not being able to maintain eye contact with your wife as her face swirls and distorts... Or not being able to chat to your parents without crippling anxiety. Or going to a job interview feeling like you are on acid. 

You'll only realise how amazing peaceful sobriety is when it is no long an option.

Totally agree. I'm on a visual snow whatsapp group chat and I wrote something like this. So, few guys told me: "Stop, you just try to order us to being sober and being sober isn't the only way!" I told them, "isn't the only if you want keep yourself regretting all days of have HPPD, isn't the only way if you don't want to see your wife's eyes, or your father's eyes withouth feeling anxiety"

The key is being sober and I'm glad other people is staying sober. So good Jay.

[cosmiccharlie]

Just as Jay mentioned, no one can answer those questions.  We don't understand the underlying mechanism of HPPD or psychedelics for that matter.  If you do your research you'll come across some explanation of LSD or Psilocybin 'mimicking' the role of serotonin in your brain but that's still speculation and probably not the whole picture.  Maybe we will fully understand them someday but probably not before we have a better grasp on the brain. The brain is certainly still a mystery.  The moral here being when dealing with these substances you never know what you're going to get. And this varies wildly from person to person.  It all comes down to what you want out of life; what are your goals, what makes you happy.  I can almost guarantee you that drugs will not bring happiness, they do not bring stability and they typically do not promote personal or spiritual growth.  I used to be convinced that LSD and Psilocybin were the answer to 'finding myself', uncovering my spirituality and transitioning to a higher level of thinking.  This lead me to binging on them (15 hits of acid in one night ) and HPPD and substantial regression which almost cost me my marriage and opportunities that were in front of me.  Not to mention my personality.  I think the most debilitating aspect of HPPD is the loss of self, the visuals are just distracting and of course bring guilt because they are a constant reminder that we fucked up. But knowing you used to be someone else and not knowing how to go get that back is very strange and depressing.  

I'm not trying to preach to you.  We all have to make our own decisions but there are some things that cannot be undone or will take years to undo.  The mystery of the mind is also in how resilient it can be if you give it the proper conditions to recover.  So there is always hope! But if you have HPPD now and continue to explore the trippy life it will likely get worse.  This is just from experience and the reports of others.  The longer you let it get worse the longer it takes to recover and the more difficult it will be.  

Also on the subject of people dosing more than you: do you really know that they are okay?  People are great at putting on a front (including myself) to escape the possibility that things really are not going well. I did just that.  Not to say that there aren't people who can responsibly use these substances without problem but what's important is if you can.  You know in your heart whether it's time to stop or not.  The fact that you're here and seeking help is a great indication that you're mature and care about your life.  Think long and hard about whether drugs are worth your happiness.  Again not trying to preach but this is something I had to deal with and it's not an easy question.  It can become an identity issue, especially when most of your friends are still exploring.  

You have friends here, please continue to reach out.  

Life is beautiful, sometimes we just have to step back and realize that. 

Take care and please keep coming back!