New to this forum and HPPD concerns

[SeekingLife]

Hey all. I'm 18 and pretty confident I have some form of HPPD, or at least something's definitely changed in the past few months, and this is the first support board I've consulted. This is going to be really long because I want to be as specific as possible and see if anyone can relate in any ways. If you only care for what I consider the more important part of the reason why I'm typing this, read the last 2 paragraphs. First, I'll start with some background:

About 4 months ago, my friend hit me up about tripping at a different friend's house. At first, I thought we were doing some shrooms, but when I arrived he only had a couple tabs of acid, and I was down to try as it was the summertime before I was going to go to college, and I believed myself ready for such an experience. I took one tab, 100mics, and was fully confident. Eventually though, we had to move locations, and my friend decided to go to a beach near my house. As I was on the come up, he thought it a good idea to invite all my sober friends over and hang out. I was good up until this point, but we then moved location to my house, and this is when I really started bugging. So as we were about to go in my house, my sober friends decided to talk to me about "how stupid it was" to have taken acid and that they "never would have done that". This combined with the setting of my house with my parents and siblings inside made for a very paranoid portion of the trip. Luckily, I wasn't really tripping so much as feeling pretty high at this stage, so I insisted to my friend that we leave immediately. I began pleading to my friend that was also tripping, saying maybe it was a mistake that I took it, and that maybe I would be changed forever, but he brought me somewhat back into control, but it was mostly of my own efforts. As soon as we left my house, the experience completely changed. At this point, I was really tripping hard and the car ride felt super good, with the wind blowing and all of my senses being melded together, I just felt really really good. As the night progressed, we had arrived at a nature conservatory, and just settled down. I won't go into specifics, but I really enjoyed this portion and had a super positive and intelligent time. I then headed back with the same friend who had tripped, and began to see those weird effects on objects when you're driving, where it becomes like shutter frames or something. The roads around me are also super swervy, and I felt pretty cool as I drifted back and forth (This is important for later on). As we arrived back, I slept it off and felt pretty dead the next day, but felt nonetheless completely normal. TL;DR, We tripped at my house for a little, where I was bugging out, but as soon as we left I had a really positive and mind-blowing experience with acid.

Post all this, I was a big fan of acid, and even vouched for it to multiple friends and believed it to be supremely enjoyable. I was even considering doing it with one of my close friends who had done it in the past, and never really looked back on the experience the whole rest of the summer. I drank, smoked, and enjoyed the rest of my days pretty much just partying. I had some slight paranoia about flashbacks and such, because of course I had realized they existed, but such a low percentage of people had it that I was sure I wouldn't and one friend I knew had taken 1000 mics and convinced me that they didn't exist. I wouldn't be the guy who got it. No way. 

Fast forward to about 2 months ago, and it was three days before I was set to leave. I was having one more huge smoke sesh with my friend before I left, and didn't have acid on my mind for a second. It was like any other stoned night, and as I was driving my friend back to my house, I distinctly remember feeling a sudden onset of that swervy road feeling again, and it brought me back to the trip where I began seeing the same exact visuals that I saw the night that I was tripping on the way back to my house, like the shutter frame thing. I got pretty paranoid, but my friend convinced me to go get pizza in town with him and settle down, and I instantly felt way better. I ended the night on a high note, and the trip ended as soon as I stepped out of the car. Then I proceeded to pass out at my house. I decided that as long as I didn't drive at night baked, I would be fine. 

The next day, I woke up feeling fine and decided to smoke with one of the same friends. With the knowledge I had assumed, that all I needed to do was not drive high at night, I gave high driving another go but this time during the day. Boy, was I wrong. I got far far more trippy visuals than the day before, like my whole line of sight being tilted side to side every time I looked up at the road, along with the same visual effect as the other day. I was incredibly paranoid, and wondered if this would happen every time I smoked. I told my friend that I needed to drop him off (what a shitty way to end our last sesh ever) and proceeded to drive back in this same trippy state. When I got back home, the trip didn't end like when I got out of the car the night before, and I really started to freak out and immediately decided to sleep it off. I don't really remember how I felt the rest of the day, but I know I wasn't tripping anymore after I slept, just slightly foggy like after you smoke. 

The day after this, I noticed something was up. I felt pretty detached, and became super anxious, especially as it was the day before I was leaving for college. It felt like I was just permanently slightly buzzed. I also noticed that when I drove, my vision would ever so slightly lean one way then snap back into place, which obviously didn't help. 

As I got to college, my vision was still the same, cloudy and like my entire perception is different. When I arrived (Been about a month and a half now) I continued to drink, and felt pretty fine and continue to feel mostly fine. I then decided to try adderall (I'm prescribed) and felt fine the first two times, but the third had my first onset of what I believe to be true DP;DR, or at least one of them the day after. It was probably the single-handed worst day of my life. I felt as though I couldn't communicate with anyone, and that I was barely there, almost like I was just a set of senses looking at people through a weird fuzzy glass. I couldn't feel emotions like I used to, so much so that I visited the university doctor and got pretty much nothing besides a possible prescription for benzos, which I refused. For those of you who deal with this on an everyday basis, I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you go through. I continued to have these days every so often on a lesser scale, but on these days as soon as I began interacting with people and getting into routine I was brought back into myself, but never fully.

This brings me to now, as I sit here typing this instead of my 10 page essay because it's so hard to do fucking anything now. I used to be very social, with a significant amount of control over my emotions and my mental state. It's super difficult and strange to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis in terms of my mental state, as most days I feel and function fine, but it's almost as if I don't truly enjoy, hate, love, or feel anymore. I'll laugh at things I find funny, but it's like the part of me that laughs is in a completely separated part of my head than how I feel. Even when I was crying to the doctor involuntarily about my mother, I felt this sort of utter nothingness in my head, yet an overwhelming sorrow and melancholy at the same time. I don't want to say this is psychosis, because I felt far worse the day I had a bout of DP;DR, but it still feels like so inferior to my past way of living. The visual stuff is worse and better on some days, but a symptom I haven't yet read of anyone else getting is that when I shake my head, my perception almost needs to catch up, which creates this disorienting illusion of the objects moving side to side. The same applies to when I move my head forward and back and look at an object, it almost becomes magnified for a quick second when I pull my head away because the closeness of the object is still there for a quick second. The tilting of my peripheral is sometimes still there, though I can make it worse by tilting my head. When I run, with every step my vision gets jolted slightly, and one of the most noticeable weird things is that when I make myself dizzy, and then stare at an object, rather than getting that typical woozy dizzy feeling I used to get, my vision tilts and snaps back very quickly (Every .5s) at a lesser and lesser scale until eventually it settles back into place. I also get halos (rainbow with white lights), streaks when I blink, and light sensitivity. It doesn't help that I'm posed to go into business, and noticed that with stress and lack of sleep my symptoms get way worse. All of this is also worse at night. In such an important time in my life, acid really screwed me over. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read all this.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Stop doing drugs.

Eat right, exercise, live a healthy lifestyle with friends and hobbies.

You have the kind of brain where smoking is out of the question now. Keep smoking and you'll regret it.

You're young and you only took acid once. You'll make a full recovery if you heed my advice.

[SeekingLife]

@TheMythos I've entirely stopped smoking and realized that although I sure as hell will miss it, all I want now is to be sober like I used to. I've decided I'll only use alcohol, but even this is difficult sometimes as I think the halos have gotten larger and more prominent since I began drinking. Although it's easy to say "just stop" in this regard, being in my freshman year of college it makes it incredibly difficult. By the way, since you seem very experienced, is there any hints as to my motion symptoms? It's by far the worst part of my symptoms at this point. I was wondering, could I have had these issues and just brought them out through the flashbacks? I've also always noticed floaters since I was younger, but only occasionally. They're there almost all the time now especially at daytime. Truly though, thank you for taking the time out of your day to answer these questions. You are a good man.

[Guest]

I don't have any answers to that. The symptoms of hppd seem to be wide and varied among individuals. Sometimes people have common symptoms but each one of us has a "unique" flavor of hppd.

[MadDoc]

If I missed it in your initial post I apologize.  What's your dosing history?  You mention shrooms and a 100 mic dose.  Have you dosed for a lot (any psychedelic) over many years?  I only ask because, in my case, I think my hppd was cumulative.  I had some minor symptoms after my first experience (guessing 250 mics) but nothing major.  However, the six years of almost constant dosing cemented it.  The less you've done the better off you are.  I'm no expert.  Just some old guy who's had this condition since he was a kid.

Stop taking psychoactive substances at least for a while.  See how you do.  Even if all of your symptoms don't go away you can live a vibrant life.

[SeekingLife]

@MadDoc My history is really only that one tab of acid. I mentioned shrooms because I had assumed at first that my friend and I would do shrooms but all he had was acid. Aside from that, it's only been liquor and weed, and a whole lot of both, but really I've had no other experiences and don't plan on having any more in the future. Even 100 mics was super crazy. Really for me the worrying thing isn't the halos, or the starbursting, but it's this fucking imbalance where objects, the ceiling, the hall etc. seem to tilt in the opposite direction as my head. The ceiling is the most disorienting thing for whatever reason, where if I focus on a point and tilt my head even slightly left or right, it responds by moving right or left. I'm thinking maybe it's a vestibular thing since I literally can't find anything, HPPD or not, on this type of issue. I also get way more mentally exhausted from walking than I used to. I don't know, I just want this stuff to go.

[MadDoc]

I get a physical checkup.  It might have nothing to do with the doses.  For example, Inner ear issues can cause all sorts of balance, perception, and vertigo issues.  A friend of mine has ear issues and he has some of the symptoms you've described.  That's why I mentioned it.  I'm not a doctor or any sort of medical "know it all".

If it is related to hppd the fact that you don't have a long history of using psychedelics works in your favor.  Some of the symptoms don't seem to fit hppd but everyone is different so who knows.

I hope you're  able to get it resolved.

[Guest]

Get a physical checkup. Doc will probably order some tests. DO NOT MENTION YOUR DRUG USE. Explain the tilting as something that just started happening inexplicably. Hopefully you can get an mRI, EEG, and an inner ear test.

If those things come back negative though its probably the hppd. Trust me I've had some weird sensations from hppd and your consciousness tilting isnt abnormal.