MENTAL STABILITY

[C'mere]

Ok, hello there..I've posted in several HPPD sites before and removed my profile because I either felt or that by taking it down I could convince myself that nothing was wrong.I've never told anyone my story before and more than anything I would just like to know if people had any of the same thoughts as me...

My first time taking hard drugs was 2 and half tabs at the end of 2009.The trip started ok until I had a panic attack..a friend calmed me down and convinced me that everything was ok.I started to feel ok and I had an ok night..I woke up the next morning feeling fine and this continued for the next month, until Christmas night I looked in the mirror and had this crazy panic attack..I was immediately struck by pangs of anxiety and felt as though I was going insane!!I went to sleep that night but woke with heart palputations so I asked my parents to take me to the a and e..I told them that I didn't take any drugs because I couldn't admit to myself that was the problem.For the next year or so I felt like death..terrible depersonalization and just general fear as though I was going crazy..For a while last year I felt like one of the survivors..as though I had beaten it and I was proud but deep down I'm just not right..I currently live in London and my family are back in Ireland and I just feel when I'm out and walking around that my mind could go blank at any moment and that I will lose all memories and forget everything and everyone I know and that any day I will just push myself over that line and end up insane.I have night terrors and pangs of pain in my head..Granted, most of the time I'm ok but this frustration...these fucking nightmares.I just had to write it all down.I know I am intelligent and these thoughts are irrational and are probably fear but I can't help but feel that it will beat me some time..I don't know what to say or how to put these emotions properly into words but jesus...for someone who used to be so laid back I just feel as though my world has been turned upside down..I hope that some of you can relate to what I'm saying..cocaine,weed....kids need to be made more aware of drugs like mushrooms and lsd asap.

[WOLF70M]

I know exactly how you feel when you say it might beat you one time. I feel like I'm ok with it most of the time, but sometimes things get way out of hand and I feel like my whole life is unraveling in front of me. Things always get better though, even when things are at their worst just have hope that things will look up. The HPPD has made it hard for me to be laid back like I used to be aswell. Its not easy, but you will get used to it and I think that after having HPPD for longer I will start to mellow out.

Keep your head up and control what you can: get good sleep, avoid other drugs, exercise, do anything that makes you feel better.

-Josh

[C'mere]

Cheers Josh..I really appreciate hearing things like that.I mean when I am relaxed..I'm rational but on a bus,the underground or something I'll just have thought and that's it..I've decided I'm going insane there and then.I will never use another drug again..I decided that after my first panic attack.

What age are you btw?Do you find it effects you often?

Niall

[WOLF70M]

I'm 20 years old. I get depersonalization almost every day, but the severe panic attacks usually only once every two weeks. I always try to calm myself down, but my anxiety is so irrational its almost impossible. So I have to go and play Call of Duty or something to get my mind off it for a while.

[C'mere]

That shit is all a quick fix for the anxiety though isn't it?it will always come to get you...it fucking freaks me out and to be honest now I'm just plain sick of it.I'm tired.I know it's not going to kill me and more than anything now I'm just pissed off.I want things to be the way they used to be.Normal.I didn't have a care in the world and now I have anxiety close to 24/7..I'm anxious about being anxious...what sense does that even make?I feel as though I'll be on a train or something like..I'm fine,everything is going okay and then..wait actually...are you going insane today?why??it's not a thought but more of a feeling..If I could go back in time I would kick the absolute shit out of myself for even thinking of taking LSD.Bogus drug for night which was only ok

[WOLF70M]

Yeah man, the anxiety is really the toughest thing to deal with because to me it really makes no sense. I'm anxious for literally no reason and no matter how many times I try to calm myself down the only thing that really seems to make me feel better is giving it time. If I could go back, I'm not sure what I would do. I feel like having HPPD has given me a lot of insight and perspective on life. There are definitely times where I would go back without a second thought though. The dumbest thing in my opinion though is that no one knows about HPPD. I had no idea it even existed before I got it and did some research. I had heard of flashbacks, but I never ever would have thought I could change my entire life by doing mushrooms once. Pretty heavy shit.

If you ever need someone to talk to when your anxiety is peaking just let me know, I'll send you my facebook or something.

[C'mere]

I was a bit quick to dismiss it completely.It's true that I don't take things for granted as much anymore.That would be awesome if you could send it on man..it sounds like we're in similar situations.I'm hungover today which means it will be multiplied by 1000..can't wait

[Comfortably Numb]

Hey man it's all good. I am back on this forum just like you, after not posting on any HPPD forum for 3 years, because I've felt pretty awful lately. I think we all face some sort of "relapse" from time to time, no matter how much it might have seemed like we've totally conquered this shit. The past few months I've had anxiety like I haven't had in probably 3 or 4 years, and my visuals seem pretty nuts -- and that says a lot, because my visuals have always seemed way worse than just about what everyone has described on the HPPD forums, and I was nevertheless doing relatively fine. My depersonalization is really intense too. So I've been feeling like I've been hammered by the cluster-fuck that is HPPD lately, and having crazy fears accordingly -- like that I'm losing the battle I thought I had already won, and that I'm slipping back down that awful slope. I needed to once again be reassured that I'm not alone, so I came back to the forum (well, actually came to this exact forum for the first time). So I'm right there with you, and you're right there with me, so we'll pull through this shit and get keep calm and carry on like before!

[ludwig80]

Hey man it's all good. I am back on this forum just like you, after not posting on any HPPD forum for 3 years, because I've felt pretty awful lately. I think we all face some sort of "relapse" from time to time, no matter how much it might have seemed like we've totally conquered this shit. The past few months I've had anxiety like I haven't had in probably 3 or 4 years, and my visuals seem pretty nuts -- and that says a lot, because my visuals have always seemed way worse than just about what everyone has described on the HPPD forums, and I was nevertheless doing relatively fine. My depersonalization is really intense too. So I've been feeling like I've been hammered by the cluster-fuck that is HPPD lately, and having crazy fears accordingly -- like that I'm losing the battle I thought I had already won, and that I'm slipping back down that awful slope. I needed to once again be reassured that I'm not alone, so I came back to the forum (well, actually came to this exact forum for the first time). So I'm right there with you, and you're right there with me, so we'll pull through this shit and get keep calm and carry on like before!

I also came back after maybe two years or so when I thought I had gotten better too. Relapsed about two years ago with worse symptoms than originally and no drugs since the onset.. . I feel like HPPD cycles sometimes. Which is fucking frustrating.

[Comfortably Numb]

yeah just gotta roll with the punches

[EmIly]

There should be like an emergency contact list and maybe even a guideline of steps to follow for us all. I know I feel like I've overcome it at times then something happens and knocks me down again and I forget how to get back up. If I started a list my top 2 would be 1. Don't dwell on it get your mind busy on anything else! 2. Get moving do some kind of cardio. panic attack hits you hit the road if your heart wants to beat like crazy give it a reason. Just an idea.(hard to remember when in the depths) I've had a really hard month I've been really sick and can't seem to find my way out. I did do cardio today and hope that's a start.

[1998]

Emily, I do the same as your #1 an 2. Nothing to panic about when you're to occupied to think about it.

Also, I've been in small hppd droughts where you think all is going down hill, cardio (exercise def. changes your mind set around) you'll be feeling much better after breaking a good sweat..