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Think that my HPPD is actually a disociative disorder.


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I have been trying to make sense of all my mental problems I have been having over the past 9 months. I have started to notice a few trends and triggers to my problems. 9 months ago I stupidly and regretfully took a large dose of bk-2cb, paving the way for an 18 to 24hr trip into hell. As I was sitting with my head in my lap in my local A&E department I stared at the geometric breathing floor and honestly thought that I was going to be stuck this way for ever and from now on my fiancée will have to visit me in a mental hospital for a few months before she leaves me for someone else. Thankfully, this didn't happen I am still with my fiancée and she has forgiven me for my foolish mistake and given me a second chance.

Anyway to the point: my brain obviously went through a very traumatic experience where I genuinely feared that I was loosing my mind and was about to loose my world as I knew it. This could easily have caused my brain to dissociate as a coping mechanism to escape the terror. My main problems that I have now is derealization and depersonalisation. It's alwasy there in the background. My perception of reality feels unreal and distorted. However, my symptoms get 100 times worse when I am faced with social and emotional stress. I have had 3 very bad episodes where I have experienced a complete psychotic break down where my reality becomes so badly distorted that I struggle to hold on to my conciousness. All 3 episodes happened to me on the busiest day of the week at work when someone else was causing me emotional stress e.g. shouting at me for our company making a mistake. Maybe these episodes are actually my brain trying to dissociate again as a coping mechanism. It makes so much sense now. When it happens I have a deep sense of impending doom and as if I am going to wake up somewhere else. They are almost exactly the same experience as a strong salvia divinorum trip, which I know is a disociative drug. After I have had an episode I suffer with increased symptoms for weeks after before they slowly fade. Then I have another stressful experience and they spoke again.

So now that I think I know what my problem is how the hell do I get rid of it? Ideally I need to remove the emotional stress from my life but that is obviously not possible as any job is stressful. Will time slowly heal this problem? Have you experienced anything similar to what I am describing? Do you have any ideas or tips to aid recovery? I don't want to go to my doctor about my mental health problems ideally. I would like to try and fix this on my own if I can.

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No I am not taking any medication. I don't want to go to the doctor about it because a) it could seriously endanger my career. b.) I don't think there is any cure out there. I'm just trying to get on with my life and I'm praying that my brain can slowly heal itself if I maintain a healthy life style.

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I'm in the exact same boat. For the first 11 months after taking acid I thought I just had HPPD an didn't think I had any DP-DR hardly at all. But after going to therapy, figuring out I've dissociated in the past and learning more about this subject field I've come to the realization that my real problem is that I have DP and not so much atypical HPPD symptoms. 


My advice: 


First, this is a great DP forum with tons of useful information, so read up: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/


It sounds like you're living a pretty healthy lifestyle so you should keep doing that. Exercise as much as you can and continue to eat really healthy. If I were you I'd look into eating all organic raw whole foods with lots of nuts and other good stuff. Stay away from sugar. Perhaps embark on a cleanse. You just need to start transforming your body so that your mind can then adapt as well. 


Also, yoga is huge. It's been known to help cure PTSD and part of dissociation is a traumatic disconnection between mind and body, so you really need to work on making that connection stronger. 


Get to a psychiatrist and see a therapist if you haven't already. Chances are you've dissociated before, probably many times that you were unaware of, and so it's vitally important that you understand your past before you move forward. Also, some people with DP have been healed through meds so you need to have a doctor who you can work with to prescribe you meds if need be. 


In terms of supplements, try magnesium (but remember to balance it out with at least half the amount of calcium), a b-complex vitamin with thiamine cocarboxylase, vitamin D and perhaps some pine pollen. The first two have a very high success rate with people who have HPPD and DP while the second two I've heard good things about. 


Meditate with alpha wave binaural beats. You need to find a way to calm your anxiety and reset your parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system. From my experience, breathe work, meditation and yoga are the best ways to do so outside of pills. Also, alpha waves have been proven to assist in this regard. 


DP is the same as HPPD in many ways. There's no cure but most people who live healthy lifestyles and dedicate themselves to improvement do get better -- the only question is how fast. I'm unsure of your scenario but as long as you put in the work you should be OK. 


Good luck and let me know if you have anymore questions. 

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