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My weird journey and my will to survive

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Here I am, sitting comfortably by my computer. I do not work - I can't work. I want to work. I don't want to be ill.

My psychiatrist fails to recognize my problems. He is old and doesn't know about HPPD. He doesn't want to prescribe keppra or lamotrigine, cause I'm "still a young man with a whole life ahead of me, and it's best to take it slow with medication". His thesis is that I'm just having anxiety and that it makes me see things. 

I'm having thoughts of suicide, but I don't know if they are serious, so I haven't brought them up at my appointments. 

My problems have sustained for probably one and a half year now, with no signs of relief. I have tried my best at keeping my routines and I've stayed completely drug free (including no caffeine), except for very moderate drinking, which haven't really made any difference to my symptoms.

I experience very weird dreams, and sometimes I feel things during my dreams. It feels just it did when I wasn't sick. But when I wake up again, It's completely impossible to remember those feelings, cause I can't feel anything, not happiness nor pain. I just know and somewhere deep inside me recognize that I am very miserable.

I can't even communicate with other people. Their stares feels so uncomfortable and I don't know how to react in social situations anymore.


How do I fix myself? Or is it just better to end it all?

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We're all there with you. HPPD is horrible. But you just have to keep fighting. Keep exercising -- that's probably the biggest thing. I'd suggest switching doctors though. If you're psychiatrist doesn't believe you or understand you then you need to find someone else who's more willing to help you out.

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Agree with K.B


Just keep changing doctors until you find one that is willing to listen and advise properly.


It sounds like you are doing eveyrthing right in terms of your routine, add in exercise and healthy eating, if you can. The first 2 years are plain horrible, but I noticed in my 3rd year that the fog started to lift a bit... It was still bad, but I regained a thirst for life again and the depression that had set in went away. I have heard several other people say the same after those first hellish years.

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it will mostly get better even though it can be that it will never fade completely...and the disability of not beeing able to feel anything sound like you not only have hppd but also an anxiety disorder (for example dpd) since a typical symptom of such disorders is dp/dr or panic attacks, visual snow, beeing unable to feel anything instead of despair and depression...i also had both hppd + dpd (often comorbid disorders) and my hppd is over but still have to fight with dpd to some extend ..8 month after my onset now


dont give up the fight..

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