Mistfinder

Here I am, sitting comfortably by my computer. I do not work - I can't work. I want to work. I don't want to be ill. My psychiatrist fails to recognize my problems. He is old and doesn't know about HPPD. He doesn't want to prescribe keppra or lamotrigine, cause I'm "still a young man with a whole life ahead of me, and it's best to take it slow with medication". His thesis is that I'm just having anxiety and that it makes me see things. I'm having thoughts of suicide, but I don't know if they are serious, so I haven't brought them up at my appointments. My problems have sustained for probably one and a half year now, with no signs of relief. I have tried my best at keeping my routines and I've stayed completely drug free (including no caffeine), except for very moderate drinking, which haven't really made any difference to my symptoms. I experience very weird dreams, and sometimes I feel things during my dreams. It feels just it did when I wasn't sick. But when I wake up again, It's completely impossible to remember those feelings, cause I can't feel anything, not happiness nor pain. I just know and somewhere deep inside me recognize that I am very miserable. I can't even communicate with other people. Their stares feels so uncomfortable and I don't know how to react in social situations anymore. How do I fix myself? Or is it just better to end it all?