Jump to content

What do you hate most about living with HPPD?


K.B.Fante
 Share

Recommended Posts

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately. As I continue to improve I can see some symptoms begin to drop off while other linger and continue to make life very difficult. For me, what I absoutely can't stand about HPPD more than anything else is the brain fog. I feel like if I had my mind and could think properly and change back and fourth between subjects and objects (visually) that this would allow me to largely ignore the visuals at least while talking with people. Instead, I often stumble over words and become self concoius which makes me want to withdraw even more.

 

The other thing I think is the worst part of HPPD is how long it takes to improve. I think everyone can relate to this. Having to essentially watch time pass, month after month, and only see minor improvements is extremely frustrating.

 

Just curious what other people's thoughts are on this. Are there some symptoms you can deal with better than others? And any you absolutely can't stand?

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yep brain fog and depersonalization are the 2 worst parts of HPPD ! I ended up in a fucking low level science class (almost special Ed level) because I did so poorly in my sophomore year of high school ! I can't understand what people are talking about when they talk to me, I have to read stuff twice to understand. I can sometimes be doing something and then I freeze and forget how to do whatever I am doing. I sometimes black out and think "woah when did I get here ?". A couple times I walked into the middle of the street without realizing and it was scary as fuck ! the head pressure is pretty bad too and sometimes it is agonizing and aspirin doesn't help ! With this crap, the visuals are the least of the problem ! I am willing to get rid of brain fog and dp/dr even if it means making visuals worse

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I meditate(and yoga) for like 5 hours a day and I:

 

Have a clearer mind

 

I am kind of able to be in the moment

 

have a much stronger mind

 

am calmer/WAY less depressed

 

I am able to focus and read

 

 

 

 

Every day, I get better. I have a very strong work ethic. Ive been doing this stuff for like 5 months but I have been working hard as fuck at it.

"what you put into life is what you get out of it"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing i hate most about my HPPD is my blue shape visuals. floaters have decreased but I'm basically afraid of the dark cuz thats when i can see them 100% clearly. I also hate how addicted to klonopin I am now but its keeping me from blowing my brains out so the lesser of two evils haha. but one thing that really pisses me off is how my friends don't care enough to remember that I have hppd and still ask me if I wanna trip/drink/smoke with them. I guess to a lot of people permanent/long lasting effects from psychedelics seems impossible so they think you're making it up to get attention. In a wierd way i wish hppd was less rare so there would be awareness and more research towards treatment. and kids would stop doing psychedelics all the time and ending up where we are now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

you realy crazy how can you do meditate 5 hours a day :) i tryed 3x10 min a day and some of my symptoms got realy wors it took a week to go to the baseline

try add a walk outside it can do wonders for your visuals

I meditate(and yoga) for like 5 hours a day and I:

Have a clearer mind

I am kind of able to be in the moment

have a much stronger mind

am calmer/WAY less depressed

I am able to focus and read

Every day, I get better. I have a very strong work ethic. Ive been doing this stuff for like 5 months but I have been working hard as fuck at it.

"what you put into life is what you get out of it"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

The only Visuals i have now are,Visual Snow, and Violett OEV´s when i´m awake too long, but the Visual most pzdsi the VS, even when i had times seeing trails and ghosting..

But to be honest, i even don´t hate that.

HPPD made me to the person I am right now, and i learn alot about myself, my life.

If i´d get the chance to travel back in time, i wouldnt make it different.

For me, these expirience´s have been wo

.

 

I know that alot people suffer ways mor than me, but always keep your head up and look forward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me it's not knowing. If you're a long termer this probably doesn't apply but for somebody who's had HPPD for less than a year it's absolutely brutal. Constant worries "Will I recover?" sometimes I think I'd be better off if somebody just said "it's never going away get used to it" Holding out hope is somehow kind of terrifying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's crazy Chiggs. We have a lot of similarities. I got mine from acid too, but my trip was so weird and up and down that it almost didn't feel like real acid and I started wondering if it wasn't. Whatever it was, it wasn't a good drug, which is exactly why you can't trust to buy chemicals from people who aren't scientists. Wish I would have known this at the time... 

 

I'm at six months and I'm also in the same boat: progress, but really, really slow. I know I'm moving forward but I still have a really long ways to go. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

K.B, supposedly acid although probably a research chemical. And around nine months at this point. Progress is sooo slow but I do appear to be moving forward. But you know I'm not 100% sure and that's the worst part.

 

If you ever get to the position where you are 100% sure that you aint getting better.... That's the worst part!

 

Use that hope to create a positive mindset, not as an extra level of anxiety.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

You know what really sucks about living with HPPD?
LIving with HPPD...
And yes, poisoned is the best way to put it. It would appear many of us have our sense of reason and morality intact but have malfunctioning minds as a results of drug use which inhibits us to lead full, happy and productiive lives. 
I'm working as hard as I can to change things along with a few others. Could really use more hands on board.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going to add to this list two things: the unrelenting nature of HPPD (I'd say this coincides with the lengthy time element -- just never feeling like you can escape) and the general sense of unreality.

 

One of the absolute worst parts of HPPD is that it feels like you're constantly being hunted. You can never stop for a rest or reset or just step back into reality briefly for a day to gain composure and breathe. Every single waking moment of your life is like you're being cornered by some giant hungry beast that won't leave until you've been totally devoured. I think this is part of why suicide seems so appealing to those suffering with HPPD. You know death is the only escape. There's no other way out than death, no pills or treatment or anything else in the natural world. And so it feels like death is really your only option if you decide you can't take it any longer. 

 

Also, with regards to the unreality -- how are you supposed to live when you can never look at yourself in the mirror and feel it's you looking back, when you can't look at your hands and feel they're your own, when you can't look into someone's eyes and feel your true soul reflecting back rather than some dark twisted version of yourself. Reality is what keeps us level headed throughout all the crazy everyday emotional occurrences; it's our home base to check in on when we feel we're straying away from ourselves. But when you never have access to that place, as is the case with HPPD, it's impossible to ever know true safety or peace or even yourself. It's just this intense and perpetual sense of being out of your own shoes, not entirely someone else but neither yourself either, almost like a ghost. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our moms tells dont do drugs every time and for why for this now ended with meds taking for the rest of our lives to live a littel normal live with the cost of my health wich is unpredictable in the future wich health disorder they wil bring

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

The visuals are not a bad part for me, everything seems HD and the synesthesia I see in my head sometimes when listening to music is wonderful, well some visuals can be bad. The worst for me is being delusional at times. Most of the time I believe I actually died on my last trip (it was a research chemical, labeled as LSX) and I am now either living in the afterlife or passing time in a coma, whenever anything happens now I see it as being weird and proof that life isn't real. Sometimes when in crowded places I hear people talking around me, but I always mistake what they're saying, like once I could actually hear two people next to me talking as if they were doctors in a hospital checking up on me, so I believed I was in a coma. It's not too bad anymore I try to avoid crowded places, the auditory hallucinations have faded slightly over the past few months. Now I just see dark dots on stuff, and when I'm awake too long the room flashes and objects wobble in poorly lit conditions. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thing is, HPPD isn't too bad at all during those busy parts of your day or when you are out with other people.

You just don't think about it.

 

But when it's time to go home it starts to creep up.

That "poison" fog in your brain comes back as you drive home and when you arrive all you can think about it how long you've had it, when is it going to get better, is it getting better, so on.

 

For me depersonalization/anxiety were a big issue when my HPPD was a lot worse.

Now it's just the fact that I get reminded everyday that I have HPPD because everything is so staticky. Once this visual snow clears, I will finally be able to say that it's gone.

I urge everyone out there to keep fighting because it DOES get better. COMPLETE Sobriety is key. No drinking, no drugs, not even nicotine and you will see improvements. 

The amount of time for improvement varies from person to person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.