K.B.Fante Posted September 21, 2015 Report Posted September 21, 2015 So I've been thinking about this a lot lately. As I continue to improve I can see some symptoms begin to drop off while other linger and continue to make life very difficult. For me, what I absoutely can't stand about HPPD more than anything else is the brain fog. I feel like if I had my mind and could think properly and change back and fourth between subjects and objects (visually) that this would allow me to largely ignore the visuals at least while talking with people. Instead, I often stumble over words and become self concoius which makes me want to withdraw even more. The other thing I think is the worst part of HPPD is how long it takes to improve. I think everyone can relate to this. Having to essentially watch time pass, month after month, and only see minor improvements is extremely frustrating. Just curious what other people's thoughts are on this. Are there some symptoms you can deal with better than others? And any you absolutely can't stand?
TheGman6072 Posted September 21, 2015 Report Posted September 21, 2015 Yep brain fog and depersonalization are the 2 worst parts of HPPD ! I ended up in a fucking low level science class (almost special Ed level) because I did so poorly in my sophomore year of high school ! I can't understand what people are talking about when they talk to me, I have to read stuff twice to understand. I can sometimes be doing something and then I freeze and forget how to do whatever I am doing. I sometimes black out and think "woah when did I get here ?". A couple times I walked into the middle of the street without realizing and it was scary as fuck ! the head pressure is pretty bad too and sometimes it is agonizing and aspirin doesn't help ! With this crap, the visuals are the least of the problem ! I am willing to get rid of brain fog and dp/dr even if it means making visuals worse
LethargicAcid Posted September 21, 2015 Report Posted September 21, 2015 I meditate(and yoga) for like 5 hours a day and I: Have a clearer mind I am kind of able to be in the moment have a much stronger mind am calmer/WAY less depressed I am able to focus and read Every day, I get better. I have a very strong work ethic. Ive been doing this stuff for like 5 months but I have been working hard as fuck at it. "what you put into life is what you get out of it"
256 Posted September 22, 2015 Report Posted September 22, 2015 The thing i hate most about my HPPD is my blue shape visuals. floaters have decreased but I'm basically afraid of the dark cuz thats when i can see them 100% clearly. I also hate how addicted to klonopin I am now but its keeping me from blowing my brains out so the lesser of two evils haha. but one thing that really pisses me off is how my friends don't care enough to remember that I have hppd and still ask me if I wanna trip/drink/smoke with them. I guess to a lot of people permanent/long lasting effects from psychedelics seems impossible so they think you're making it up to get attention. In a wierd way i wish hppd was less rare so there would be awareness and more research towards treatment. and kids would stop doing psychedelics all the time and ending up where we are now.
umit Posted October 15, 2015 Report Posted October 15, 2015 you realy crazy how can you do meditate 5 hours a day i tryed 3x10 min a day and some of my symptoms got realy wors it took a week to go to the baseline try add a walk outside it can do wonders for your visuals I meditate(and yoga) for like 5 hours a day and I: Have a clearer mind I am kind of able to be in the moment have a much stronger mind am calmer/WAY less depressed I am able to focus and read Every day, I get better. I have a very strong work ethic. Ive been doing this stuff for like 5 months but I have been working hard as fuck at it. "what you put into life is what you get out of it"
Jay1 Posted October 15, 2015 Report Posted October 15, 2015 I just feel like my brain is poisoned, I can't really think of a better way to describe it. It is almost like a physical symptom and the thing I hate the most.
K.B.Fante Posted October 16, 2015 Author Report Posted October 16, 2015 Agreed about the poisoning. To me, it's like constantly having a cold inside your head. You just feel unwell all the time. I've found exercise can help with this but only a small bit.
1998 Posted October 17, 2015 Report Posted October 17, 2015 Poisoned is sadly a perfect way to describe it. Exercise usually helps my anxiety and tension headaches, even brain fog. It's the only way hppd is manageable for me since klonopin stopped helping.
umit Posted October 17, 2015 Report Posted October 17, 2015 feeling trippy some times and dr make it wors i hate it
OldSchoolAr Posted October 20, 2015 Report Posted October 20, 2015 constant hallucinations .. because of this not being able to focus my attention on what i want at times.. troubles staying focused.. anxiety
Dancetrooper Posted November 7, 2015 Report Posted November 7, 2015 The only Visuals i have now are,Visual Snow, and Violett OEV´s when i´m awake too long, but the Visual most pzdsi the VS, even when i had times seeing trails and ghosting.. But to be honest, i even don´t hate that. HPPD made me to the person I am right now, and i learn alot about myself, my life. If i´d get the chance to travel back in time, i wouldnt make it different. For me, these expirience´s have been wo . I know that alot people suffer ways mor than me, but always keep your head up and look forward.
Chiggs17 Posted November 10, 2015 Report Posted November 10, 2015 For me it's not knowing. If you're a long termer this probably doesn't apply but for somebody who's had HPPD for less than a year it's absolutely brutal. Constant worries "Will I recover?" sometimes I think I'd be better off if somebody just said "it's never going away get used to it" Holding out hope is somehow kind of terrifying.
K.B.Fante Posted November 10, 2015 Author Report Posted November 10, 2015 Chiggs, I totally agree, especially with how slow the recovery is. It's almost so slow that you can't even get an accurate measure on how long it will take. How long have you had HPPD and what drugs did you take to get it?
Chiggs17 Posted November 13, 2015 Report Posted November 13, 2015 K.B, supposedly acid although probably a research chemical. And around nine months at this point. Progress is sooo slow but I do appear to be moving forward. But you know I'm not 100% sure and that's the worst part.
K.B.Fante Posted November 13, 2015 Author Report Posted November 13, 2015 That's crazy Chiggs. We have a lot of similarities. I got mine from acid too, but my trip was so weird and up and down that it almost didn't feel like real acid and I started wondering if it wasn't. Whatever it was, it wasn't a good drug, which is exactly why you can't trust to buy chemicals from people who aren't scientists. Wish I would have known this at the time... I'm at six months and I'm also in the same boat: progress, but really, really slow. I know I'm moving forward but I still have a really long ways to go.
Jay1 Posted November 13, 2015 Report Posted November 13, 2015 K.B, supposedly acid although probably a research chemical. And around nine months at this point. Progress is sooo slow but I do appear to be moving forward. But you know I'm not 100% sure and that's the worst part. If you ever get to the position where you are 100% sure that you aint getting better.... That's the worst part! Use that hope to create a positive mindset, not as an extra level of anxiety.
Guest Posted November 28, 2015 Report Posted November 28, 2015 You know what really sucks about living with HPPD?LIving with HPPD...And yes, poisoned is the best way to put it. It would appear many of us have our sense of reason and morality intact but have malfunctioning minds as a results of drug use which inhibits us to lead full, happy and productiive lives. I'm working as hard as I can to change things along with a few others. Could really use more hands on board.
K.B.Fante Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Posted November 29, 2015 I'm going to add to this list two things: the unrelenting nature of HPPD (I'd say this coincides with the lengthy time element -- just never feeling like you can escape) and the general sense of unreality. One of the absolute worst parts of HPPD is that it feels like you're constantly being hunted. You can never stop for a rest or reset or just step back into reality briefly for a day to gain composure and breathe. Every single waking moment of your life is like you're being cornered by some giant hungry beast that won't leave until you've been totally devoured. I think this is part of why suicide seems so appealing to those suffering with HPPD. You know death is the only escape. There's no other way out than death, no pills or treatment or anything else in the natural world. And so it feels like death is really your only option if you decide you can't take it any longer. Also, with regards to the unreality -- how are you supposed to live when you can never look at yourself in the mirror and feel it's you looking back, when you can't look at your hands and feel they're your own, when you can't look into someone's eyes and feel your true soul reflecting back rather than some dark twisted version of yourself. Reality is what keeps us level headed throughout all the crazy everyday emotional occurrences; it's our home base to check in on when we feel we're straying away from ourselves. But when you never have access to that place, as is the case with HPPD, it's impossible to ever know true safety or peace or even yourself. It's just this intense and perpetual sense of being out of your own shoes, not entirely someone else but neither yourself either, almost like a ghost.
umit Posted November 29, 2015 Report Posted November 29, 2015 Our moms tells dont do drugs every time and for why for this now ended with meds taking for the rest of our lives to live a littel normal live with the cost of my health wich is unpredictable in the future wich health disorder they wil bring
Daaar Posted December 15, 2015 Report Posted December 15, 2015 The visuals are not a bad part for me, everything seems HD and the synesthesia I see in my head sometimes when listening to music is wonderful, well some visuals can be bad. The worst for me is being delusional at times. Most of the time I believe I actually died on my last trip (it was a research chemical, labeled as LSX) and I am now either living in the afterlife or passing time in a coma, whenever anything happens now I see it as being weird and proof that life isn't real. Sometimes when in crowded places I hear people talking around me, but I always mistake what they're saying, like once I could actually hear two people next to me talking as if they were doctors in a hospital checking up on me, so I believed I was in a coma. It's not too bad anymore I try to avoid crowded places, the auditory hallucinations have faded slightly over the past few months. Now I just see dark dots on stuff, and when I'm awake too long the room flashes and objects wobble in poorly lit conditions.
Guyindubai Posted December 15, 2015 Report Posted December 15, 2015 the anixity that comes with it, and the dr/dp
LanceK2 Posted December 19, 2015 Report Posted December 19, 2015 Thing is, HPPD isn't too bad at all during those busy parts of your day or when you are out with other people. You just don't think about it. But when it's time to go home it starts to creep up. That "poison" fog in your brain comes back as you drive home and when you arrive all you can think about it how long you've had it, when is it going to get better, is it getting better, so on. For me depersonalization/anxiety were a big issue when my HPPD was a lot worse. Now it's just the fact that I get reminded everyday that I have HPPD because everything is so staticky. Once this visual snow clears, I will finally be able to say that it's gone. I urge everyone out there to keep fighting because it DOES get better. COMPLETE Sobriety is key. No drinking, no drugs, not even nicotine and you will see improvements. The amount of time for improvement varies from person to person.
K.B.Fante Posted December 20, 2015 Author Report Posted December 20, 2015 Totally agree Lance. Free time is a killer -- quite literally. Whenever I've had free time since getting HPPD I've often obsessed about the symptoms to the point of contemplating suicide. You have to stay busy to make it through.
Gaz Posted December 23, 2015 Report Posted December 23, 2015 For me the worst thing is the feeling that I have passed through a doorway and it has slammed shut behind me with no way of getting back.
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