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This will be The School Year of Hell


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Currently approaching my 2nd school year with HPPD. School is starting in 18 days and since early July, my HPPD has been at its worst. The brain fog is the symptom I hate the most cuz I had a hard time functioning in school and now I'm about to start another year of the same shit but this year, it will probably be worse. My memory sucks and I used to have a great memory before I got HPPD. I can't understand things I read unless I read them twice or more. I would have a hard time understanding what the teachers say when they go over directions and I would have to ask them to go over it again and I STILL wouldn't understand what they say even though I was listening !

My mom has been noticing very strange behavior from me lately. On July 8th, I walked out of the house and walked around Huntington Beach at 2:30 in the morning. I have been having crazy moments of insanity and rage. My brother tried to block me from entering a room and I grabbed him and threw him across the room.

Was going to keep this a secret but I tried to kill myself by taking 1000mg of diphenhydramine about 4 or 5 days ago but I guess the tolerance prevented it from killing me. That suicide attempt failed obviously and I sure am lucky that it didn't kill me cuz now I don't feel like killing myself anymore. My HPPD visuals for some reason, have not gotten worse but they have not gotten any better either they look exactly the same.

I've just confirmed that I have depersonalization which is just what I feared and suspected since early July. I feel nothing but slight sadness, anger and sometimes no emotions at all. Today, I have been feeling no emotions, not even sadness or anger and it's been like that since last night but I guess not feeling any emotions is better than being angry or sad.

The derealization sucks cuz I was in Hawaii for a week and everything I did there feels like it never happened and was all a dream. I always feel like I'm in a dream and everything is not real.

I am hoping for a better year but I doubt this year will be any better. Going to leave this website for a while cuz this website might be making problems worse. Hopefully my brain fog didn't affect the way I wrote this.

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Brandon, you are free vent on here. Lethargic, if this sort of thing brings you down, just don't read it. There are no rules on here other than the usual (no racism, no bullying etc)... Anyone can post about anything they want.

 

I deferred my 1st year at college when I first got hppd... No shame in it, so if that is an option... Maybe consider it. Once I learnt to cope a little better, I re-regristered... It was still a big struggle, but alot easier than it would have been if I had tried in that initial nightmare phase.

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Brandon, I'd recommend taking time off from school if that's a possibility for you. I'm contemplating quitting my job, which I just got not too long ago. No shame in it. Your health is the most important thing in your life. You can always go back to school later and perhaps you'll be much better by then. You need to take care of yoursel first and foremost.

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