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Hppd has changed me for the worst


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I have noticed that I cannot feel any sort of compassion for other ppl, I have become more cold and uncaring because I am just so severely dissociated to an extreme level I just don't even feel like a human being (worse then just dp) I feel completely inhuman....the hppd has cut me off from any sense of self...I just feel like a plant and everything is visually distorted. I am currently waiting on lamictal to try it here while I'm also still here in Brazil getting alternative healing, which is helping very slowly...

I am impatient and just want to get back my normal vision and be less dissociated !!

List of horrid symptoms:

Extreme dissociation & detachment from body and self

1 dimensional expanded consciousness type vision

Faint boundaries between objects and environment

Head feels like fish bowel

Environment has slight green tinge

No perception depth

Feeling like a plant

No awareness of body in time or space

Cold & uncaring and sometimes rude to people

Constantly feeling like I'm on edge and annoyed at something

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For me the first month was the worst, especially that whole aspect with not feeling like I was in time or space.

But after the first month I noticed that I started feeling more normal.

 

It was critical that I stayed away from weed or anything of the sort though, if I was exposed to it at ALL it would like reset my entire healing process.

Also cigarettes and caffeine were important to stop.

 

My visual disortions are dying down more and more every day, slowly however, but surely.

My thought processes are starting to return to normal too, and everything is starting to feel more normal.

I'm not CONSTANTLY thinking about it 24/7 anymore, which I used to do.

Now I can chill out and feel relatively normal.

 

I think in the next few months you will notice that you're starting to get better.

 

Eat well, exercise, and stay away from drugs, and you should start feeling better over time.

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I have noticed that I cannot feel any sort of compassion for other ppl, I have become more cold and uncaring because I am just so severely dissociated to an extreme level I just don't even feel like a human being (worse then just dp) I feel completely inhuman....the hppd has cut me off from any sense of self...I just feel like a plant and everything is visually distorted. I am currently waiting on lamictal to try it here while I'm also still here in Brazil getting alternative healing, which is helping very slowly...

I am impatient and just want to get back my normal vision and be less dissociated !!

List of horrid symptoms:

Extreme dissociation & detachment from body and self

1 dimensional expanded consciousness type vision

Faint boundaries between objects and environment

Head feels like fish bowel

Environment has slight green tinge

No perception depth

Feeling like a plant

No awareness of body in time or space

Cold & uncaring and sometimes rude to people

Constantly feeling like I'm on edge and annoyed at something

Yea, sounds like my symptoms, also i have constantly the feeling somehing very nasty is going to happen, like someone is 24/7 with a gun in front of my head and can shot every second, never a rest moment.

When someone dies, i dont feel the pain of the left over people.. its sucks ass all together! i have this for 2 year now + the hppd shit and CEV's

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Well I don't want to seem negative, but I feel for MissJess - if I'm correct before she had HPPD she's had either DP or DR for years and then Ibogaine caused everything to get drastically worse.

 

My heart goes out to you MissJess, you said yourself that (although you feel terrible) being in Brazil is improving you gradually. Even if it is very minor that's a positive. I know exactly how you feel, I've had HPPD symptoms for a little over 2 years and have gotten progressively worse to the point of me suspecting something more than HPPD is going on (I can barely even go to school without having a full blown nervous breakdown and feeling immobilized for a day or two). Nonetheless, I'm still extremely hopeful. Although our brain may be the most sensitive area to damage, it is potentially the most regenerative tissue, too.

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For me the first month was the worst, especially that whole aspect with not feeling like I was in time or space.

But after the first month I noticed that I started feeling more normal.

 

It was critical that I stayed away from weed or anything of the sort though, if I was exposed to it at ALL it would like reset my entire healing process.

Also cigarettes and caffeine were important to stop.

 

My visual disortions are dying down more and more every day, slowly however, but surely.

My thought processes are starting to return to normal too, and everything is starting to feel more normal.

I'm not CONSTANTLY thinking about it 24/7 anymore, which I used to do.

Now I can chill out and feel relatively normal.

 

I think in the next few months you will notice that you're starting to get better.

 

Eat well, exercise, and stay away from drugs, and you should start feeling better over time.

Thanks for that update! Well mine has not seemed to budge (apart from the minor healing I'm receiving here in Brazil) the more I wake up in this state...the angrier I get it's rlly fuking horrible and frustrating!! I don't touch coffee, tea, alcohol, drugs, cigarette nothing!

I just want this horrible visual crap to go away!! Like wtf

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Yea, sounds like my symptoms, also i have constantly the feeling somehing very nasty is going to happen, like someone is 24/7 with a gun in front of my head and can shot every second, never a rest moment.When someone dies, i dont feel the pain of the left over people.. its sucks ass all together! i have this for 2 year now + the hppd shit and CEV's

Shit that's horrible! Have u tried any medication? Has any of ur symptoms lessened over time? It's awfull to think that I could have this for longer then 2-3 months!!

What is CEVs?

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bigpapachakra

Yep I had Dpdr for 7 years prior to getting blessed with this shit! Yeah I am great full for the small improvements since being here, I can now take antibiotics without reacting badly too, and my brain feels like it's slowly getting healed but the visuals remain so far... :(

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How severe was the DP/DR prior to HPPD? Significant enough to impair normal daily functioning, or more of an annoyance? 

 

CEV's are Closed Eyed Visuals; think of when you've taken a psychedelic and closed your eyes and you can see geometric patterns swirling around and what not. I have these daily, and as of yesterday I plan on using them as an adjunct to meditation (that I'm starting up again). 

 

I'm glad to hear you've at least had small improvements. At least you know SOMETHING can help. At least less of a reason to be hopeless. It's interesting you bring up antibiotics - I've been doing some research and there are a lot of cases of bacteria/parasites causing people severe mental illness, yet when they kill them off they're better. There was this woman who's mental health continued to deteriorate to the point of her being not only convinced it was raining inside of a bus, but she could actually feel the rain. She went on a ketogenic diet with some supplements, made gradual improvements, added some specific antiobiotics and started getting better. 

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It got to the point where it impaired my functioning that was in the last couple of years...I had no emotions, continuous dp and feelings of deadness and lifelessness...

Holy fuk!! That fuking sux! How do u sleep at night?? That shit sux ass!

Yes well who knows it may be a lengthy process...the brain dysfunction that caused hppd must go deeper then I thought! I guess it starts off with healing the brain so I can handle things again and then mayb the visuals will go I'm not sure,.

Well I needed to take them today for a UTI infection....I did not react badly like I usually do to things so that's fkn great...it gives me confidence to try lamictal and possibly naltrexone in small doses :)

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Glad to hear that you didn't react poorly! Let me know (if you don't mind) how Lamictal and Naltrexone go when/if you try them - I'm very interested in trying those out (as well as Keppra and Sinemet), especially Naltrexone as it has actually been used for both HPPD and DP/DR.

 

Yeah, the visuals are annoying. When I close my eyes rather than seeing black I still see visual snow, and additionally, blobs/orbs of different colors, especially blues and purples. I also see these blobs/orbs with my eyes open if I have a headache/migraine; yet when my eyes are open I typically see pink. If I look at any source of light I have multi-colored after images that last for many minutes afterwards. In fact, if I look at snow the same thing happens (one time I was shoveling for a couple hours and came inside and my vision was entirely pink; additionally, my eyes were in severe pain. I thought that I had permanently burnt my eyes, lol) 

 

"the brain dysfunction that caused HPPD must go deeper," - I agree. On April 24th I have an appointment with a well-reviewed, rather sought out (in Illinois, anyhow) neuro-psychiatrist. I'm going to push for getting a SPECT Scan and QEEG, then I'll know what areas of my brain are lacking blood flow and what brain waves are predominate in which brain regions.

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Oh yes I'll deff be putting a post up of my progress !!! I rlly hope they can help me.

Shit...that sounds awfull :( I'm lucky I don't have after images and things like that, or see flashing colours etc...I can't believe u were shovelling snow and when u went inside ur eyes were burning and u saw pink!! What the fuk

What is a neuro-psychiatrist ?? They sound better then normal psychs! I wonder if Australia has them?? Yup QEEG interests me also...what does a SPECT scan show ? My results came back normal from a regular EEG and of course my psychiatrist told me my brain was totally normal..

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A neuro-psychiatrist is similar to both a neurologist and psychiatrist; I have more faith in the one I'm seeing than any of the past neurologists and any local psychiatrists (which I have never been to), because he is educated in both fields and board certified in both fields, so he has the knowledge of brain processes/structures and medications that affect said processes/structures, rather than just a very significant emphasis in one aspect. Additionally, he's experienced with other things such as neurotransmitter replacement therapy and nutritional therapies.

 

A QEEG, to my knowledge, detects far more subtle/minor electrical variances than an EEG, and thus you can be seen as "normal" (what is normal anyhow, lol?) from an EEG, yet a QEEG will detect huge differences in brain waves in different regions. For instance, according to two different neurofeedback practitioners I've spoken to (who have treated people with dissociative disorders), beta waves are drastically increased in states of dissociation.

 

A SPECT Scan is a test for cerebral blood flow/metabolism. So, you'll know which regions of your brain are receiving too little/just enough blood, which also means you'll know if they're receiving too little/just enough(/too much?) oxygen, glucose, and nutrients. From these two tests, one could have a better idea on how to tackle a neuro-psychiatric illness via medication, supplements, diet, or other modalities such as neurofeedback, HEG biofeedback, tDCS, etc. I actually just ordered a new tDCS unit, but canceled the order because I'm going to wait to get these tests run and then I'll have an idea as to what regions of my brain would need extra energy from the direct electrical currents. 

 

Lastly, yes, I hope those meds work well for you too!  ^_^

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  • 4 months later...

Miss. how are u feeling? I hope more good. I'm really suprised for read that u dont see after images (tracers-palinopsia), snow or floaters.

Maybe people told you, but, had you think that u are suffering dp/dr "only"?

If u havent visual disturbances or they are no much to fuck you daily (I think psychedelics do a small permanent damage in all people), its possible that u havent hppd.

But dont get scared, is the better that can happened to you. I was studying phsycology in my last year when hppd put me in my bed and I know something about dp/dr.

Dp/dr is a fucking disorder in which the patient see impossible to get out but isnt true. If you have only dp/dr, you can look for and found a good psycian an.psychiatrist (sorry fof bad english).and its sure.that thet will help you in less than 1 year

think about.it, if u dont have hppd you will have a really good chance to be dp/dr free. its just an anxiety disordet that makes your brain see the reality from third person or feeling out your body.

wish you the best

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Miss. how are u feeling? I hope more good. I'm really suprised for read that u dont see after images (tracers-palinopsia), snow or floaters.

Maybe people told you, but, had you think that u are suffering dp/dr "only"?

If u havent visual disturbances or they are no much to fuck you daily (I think psychedelics do a small permanent damage in all people), its possible that u havent hppd.

But dont get scared, is the better that can happened to you. I was studying phsycology in my last year when hppd put me in my bed and I know something about dp/dr.

Dp/dr is a fucking disorder in which the patient see impossible to get out but isnt true. If you have only dp/dr, you can look for and found a good psycian an.psychiatrist (sorry fof bad english).and its sure.that thet will help you in less than 1 year

think about.it, if u dont have hppd you will have a really good chance to be dp/dr free. its just an anxiety disordet that makes your brain see the reality from third person or feeling out your body.

wish you the best

As I have gone over this before there are 3 or 4 different types of hallucinogens ...1 being LSD and psychedelics ...2 being DISSOCIATIVES like ketamine, ibogaine, salvia and the third being deliriants

I took ibogaine and yes I'm 110% positive I have hppd... It may not be the same general type that most people get from LSD but mine I got from ibogaine and that is a dissociative hallucinogenic drug

My visual distortions r pretty fuked up but more so in a dissociative way...I feel as tho I'm on a hallucinogen trip 24/7 ...my sensory perception is totally whacked out and what I'm experiencing is different to Dpdr because I had that disorder for 7 years previously

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i feel the same way, i dont even think i have dp or dr, i dont have any symptoms of them except just being emotionally numb.i think its cause, when i got this mentally i was still an innocent little kid,just 14, sure i messed with drugs a little but i was happy and mentally very immiture. going through this incredibly fucked up "disorder" truly from the depths of hell, it changed me, took all of my happiness and didnt even leave me a spark to keep going. I went from the happies tkid in the world, to the saddest in less then a week. but somehow i kept going, i dont care if it because my soul didnt completely die or if i was so numb i couldnt feel pain, its been 1 1/2 years, but you know what im still here. it seemed like it be fucked for life but everyday im proven wrong as part of my happines grows back and i feel more mentally "at home". trust me jess, you will recover and all of those emotions you've lost will be back soon enough

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