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How bad was the 'trip' when you first got HPPD?


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Explain your experience and reaction when you first got the disorder.

How about you?

I don't really remember to be honest.. I didn't have any bad trips. I only had a couple of bad trips after I got the disorder.

I just remember stuff still moving around one day, researched it, found out it was called HPPD. It beame unnoticable after X amount of time, I continued tripping.. eventually it became more permanent and I realised how bad my cognitive function was when I eventually came to need it.

 

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My trip was insane I was getting electricuted by electronic spiders fighting floating heads in my room with a towl walked through a pitch black park and the whole place was lit up with illuminate spirits saw black people hiding in bushes with ak 47s my friends face morphed into a werewolf and one of my socks turned into a snake all from one dose of mdma fuck knows what that shit was cut with

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my trip was ineffable, I can not explain it man. there was these tentacles on the side of my face and when i would open and close my eyes they would move deeper into my face and vision. I also saw this lion king looking face in the middle of my face and it was trying to talk to me. About every 4 seconds I could think clearly but then i couldn't think again so i would keep going in and out of consciousness. It felt like my brain was being refreshed every 5 seconds. 

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My trip that sent me over the edge was from overdosing on ecstasy.  It was not that bad to be honest, when comparing it to LSD.  The people I was with were made out of paper and the plasma TV on the wall was a window outside of a old timey saloon where cowboys were walking by, my best friend was an old paper lady rocking back and forth in a chair and my other friend was blind as he stood up.  Not really significant but still fucked my head up enough to the point that i had HPPD for a good 5-6 years.

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My trip was fucked up too. First I saw myself die from above, then it felt like I was falling all the time and I got tortured by the devil thinking it was going to last in eternity. Was unconscious on the floor during this.

That sounds crazy man. I feel for you man 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Actually, the trips that contributed most to my HPPD were the best and most intense experiences. The first symptoms came on after trying eating hashish, combined with some smoked in a bong. I had visuals and an intense out-of-body experience and visions of flying over a thousand alien landscapes. My friend said I was in a state of trance, laying in the bed and staring at the ceiling. The next day I woke up with HPPD.
The other was a large dose Hawaiian Baby Woodrose-seed (LSA) trip. A 17 hour, very spiritual and crazy trip with intense OEV's and CEV's. When I finally landed from that trip, the HPPD symptoms had increased a lot in severity.

 

So I don't think bad trips are necessary to develop HPPD.. Just the right (or rather wrong?) drugs and a latent predisposition and bam you got HPPD! B)

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Long term use of psychedelics and some deliriants. Nothing TOO out of the ordinary in my trips, aside from a weird mentality. For example I remember looking at a vacuum cleaner in my room and thought to myself "This makes sense now!". I don't know, my surroundings just made sense, like where everything was. Can't explain. It made so much sense to me I couldn't stop smiling lol. But a few times resulted in amnesia and unconsciousness. My body has always reacted funny to most kinds of substances.

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"Blair Trip" .... ended up being 42 tabs worth of potent lsd that i thought was only 14... and a pill a shitty mdma that did nothing but give me jaw grind the whole night

 

1st tab.. took while at work. friends picking me up in an hr.... wow this is good stuff.. stronger then i thought

2nd and 3rd tab... friends will be here in 5.. holy crap this is good stuff... time to go hang with the girl i love and celebrate my birthday quick before going "camping"

30 minutes later.. go to girls house with friends.... she says "hi, your gifts on the table.." and then proceeds to ignore me for the next hour while talking on the phone to a guy who repeatedly treated like shit who apparently once again she was ditching me for to go back to....the seed starts for the rest of the night.

4th tab... on way out of her place.. heading to pick up 4th friend at his job at a wendy's on a busy highway... he walks out of the wendys when we get there... proceeds to run across 5 lanes of traffic, hop a divider, run across 5 more lanes... turn jump up and down.. and ran back across.... he gets in the car and screams out holy fucking shit lets get this night started!!!

 

we go back to his house and prep the rest of the night... i put the remaining 10 tabs of mine in a bottle of oj... down half the bottle...we head out to .....the quarry

 

mindset=quietly devastated over dealings with the former love of my life.... setting.... abandoned rock quarry sitting on the side of a major interstate.. surrounded on 3 sides by tall trees, and on the 4th by a sheer rock face topped by 3 tall office building... cool september night.. perfect full moon

 

within minutes of getting to the quarry things started taking a turn for the crazy... one of the guys cant find 4 of his tabs.. him and another run back to the ones house and look quick.. they get back 30 minutes later, couldnt find it and decided to split some of the ones they still had instead.. other guy who waited with me decided to not take all of his (we had split a half sheet 4 ways.. not knowing it was triple dipped...).. so my friends all end up taking 10.. i take 14.... oj is finished.. walls about to come down

 

14 tabs of triple dipped acid now in me... pink floyd playing on a cd player... we have our little base camp and decided to go hippie for the night and leave all our posessions in the circle because we would surely lose everything.... and then we started to lose everything..

 

things began disappearing on us.. where did we put the herb.. who has the guitar... small things at first...

we had some awesome conversations going.. cant remember them now sadly but really in depth stuff... and then we'd check the time.... wow.. only 5 minutes passed? how did that happen... we talk again... check the time... wait.. only 1 minute passed? that cant be.... again.. ok... this is fucking bad.. all of our watches are saying its 5 minutes earlier then it was when we last checked....

 

it was about that time reality was torn from me.

 

i was laying back and watching the trees growing and waving in the wind... listening to granchester meadows.. and the moon was a beautiful full perfect circle sitting directly above... and the trees look even they wanted to reach out to the moon.. oh wait.. what.. what the fuck... the trees are all stretching up to the moon...wheres the sky going... holy fucking hell i'm stuck in a box..

 

this part is next to impossible to describe but picture a box with a balloon wrapped across the top plane of the box... now take one single point on that balloon and lift up to infinity.. and then put yourself in the box and look up.. that was what happened to me.. and the second i pointed it out to my friends it happened to them too... all of a sudden the 4 of us were in what could only be described as a shared hallucination... the moon was the point pulled out to infinity and stretching down to us in immaculate glory was the gabriel horn of the universe. it was beautiful. maddeningly beautiful... but it didnt take too long to turn rotten.. 

 

we all started exploring.. every plant seemed to be growing upwards as we walked by.. i went off to take a piss and the grass underneath the stream stretched up along the rockface and started climbing towards the moon.. each of my friends experiencing similar as we all looked to define the box we were stuck in... and then one of us tried to leave the box.. walk out the path we came in.. but the path was stretched up to the moon as well... just a wall holding us in.

 

up to this point i can recite a precise sequence of events that would become the last "sane" comprehensive realization of my life... for whatever that word means.... 

 

we had been sitting at our gathering rock.. they were all still enjoying eden but i was getting worse.. the extra 4 pushing me a little bit further.. the emotions left over from the girl incident dragging me a little more deeply...and then the friends decided to all go exploring again...

 

friend a walks off directly towards the highway... the thought pops into my head "he's going to go kill himself now.. If I were him I would kill myself now. I should just kill myself now because I'm going to be stuck like this forever. Oh god I'm going to be stuck like this forever" 

 

friend b walks off towards some thicker trees. his long hair starts lengthening even more spreading down his back, dragging off into a cloak that mixed with the shadows of the forest... the thought pops into my head .."he's in the darkness now.. i'm in the darkness now.. oh god i'm going to be stuck like this forever"

 

friend c walks in another direction but stops.. turns around while 10 feet away from me.. calls out "peace... I'm out"... turns around.. takes 2 steps and vanishes.

 

I turn around.. throw my hands in the air... say out loud.. well fuck it.. i'm insane.. and promptly blacked out collapsing into a pile on our gathering rock.

 

i'm only blacked out for 10 minutes.. but from that point forward there was nothing left i would call sane again... i was still me.. but i wasnt.. i was still in the box.. but i accepted the box was always there and always going to be there... one of the guys decided he was going to try calling it a night.. and go home and take some valium... god i wish i had followed him and taken some maybe sleep right away would have prevented the fallout .. but alas thats a shoulda coulda woulda that is more a never gonna be a... :\ 

 

me and the two other guys finally were able to leave the quarry after a bit though.. and we we and hung out in my car.. a nice huge olds that we could all lay down comfortably in and just smoke and try to start coming down... yeaaaaaaah right.. coming back down... it was at this point that whenever i closed my eyes i would be sitting in a a tex avery bar surrounding by wolfs makes catcalls and yelling out repeatedly.. tripping balls.. tripping balls.... the word just repeating over and over in my brain, along with the increasing din of the auditory hallucinations that were only just increasing... 

 

a van pulls up behind me on the street we were parked on... and we swear we witness a gun deal going down or something which really did nothing to help the paranoia.... 

 

hours are passing... nobody is relaxing or coming down... other guys not as bad as me but still definitely peaking... and its starting to really be changing over to more morning then night... im 19 now... and i'm going to be stuck this way forever... oh god we cant be parked here when morning hits.. the cops in this town would arrest us in a second..

 

well where the hell are we going to go.. whose going to drive... a & b both say they can't theres no way they can.. me having driven on some sizeable amounts before volunteers.. didnt tell them at the time.. but i couldnt see past the windshield... everything had fogged over and was a blur and a blob of colors.. i drove 15 miles dropping off 2 very terrified friends safely off at their houses.. and then head home..

 

the matrix had just come out on dvd.. maybe if i watched that and some other shit i can fall asleep... matrix.. no luck... delores claiborne comes on tv... no tiredness still peaking fully... gone fishin comes on.. my god this is the worst movie ever made.. its 2 hours of 2 idiots stumbling from one calamiity to the next with nothing happening in between.. oh my god im going to be stuck like this forever.

 

by the time jacobs ladder came on i felt something was trying to tell me a message... i call my friends and they say they finally coming down.. i should be ok... i lay down.. i close my eyes and listen to thousands of sirens parked outside of my house for 3 hours... its now been 24 hours.. i'm still peaking as badly as i was when i got trapped in the box... and i blacked out again...

 

this was the last sleep i had for the next 5 weeks.. 1 hour.. that was it.. and from that point forward i was tripping as hard as i was on day one for those first 5 weeks.. a friends father gave me valium.. that gave me the first hint of sleep again.. another hour... it would happen like this every 3 or so weeks over the next 3 months... a total of 8 hrs.. the last of which was helped by an antipsychotic... a gigantic horsepill that i never asked the nameof from the guys father.. just that it would work.. this was a man who had a t beam dropped on his spine and was on so much medication to keep him moving that he took the antipsychotics just for sleep... and this pill still only gave me an hour.. 

 

starting at the end of month 4 i began fighting back... i would start telling myself a story.. trying to visualize the story in my head with as much detail as i could and to just keep telling the story whatever stream of thought would occur until the story clicked over and became a dream... or as close to it as i was going to get... but fuck i'll take it. it was tough.. really tough at first... i truly believe my body forgot how to sleep.. how to turn of all the noise and let my subconscious come out... and it took me maybe 4 years before i had what would be a liveable sleeping pattern.. 

 

The rest of the story well..... as long as the beginning is it only gets crazier and long..ier :D ... and thats not for this thread...

 but you know what.. getting this all out in a group of people who could read it and not just immediately first thought think this guy is batshit insane... welll yeah i am.. :D ... but you know what i mean. this community to me represents a place where i can talk about watching reality collapse and not be told.. ah your just full of shit man.. and i can talk about how even if reality hadnt collapsed.. there was no such thing once i realized .. yeah.. i did get myself stuck. it completely got myself stuck by fixating myself on the thought that i would be stuck like that forever. 

 

no fool to blame but myself.. 

 

 

and just to prove it and how sad i really am... anyone wanna guess how often after that I again dropped acid or shroomed without a seconds hesitation? :( .. I am not a proud person .. but hell if i havent had some experiences i can guarantee not another soul alive has seen just exactly the same. .. and that folks is life

 

 

<end long winded words flowing from brain>

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This is to the OPer: I know this is a HUGE post, but please, bear with me because my story IS a long and drawn out one. But the trip that actually fucked me was so earthshattering, so bad, and evil that i managed to conjure Satan himself.
Do not read this post if you are feint of heart

 

 

  It was a very evil LSD trip i took and weeks before this journey and i planned to trip out at this concert in Houston with little to no planning involved i just decided to eat it. So i scored up some blotter, imprinted and perforated. The blotters were tiny and the sheet itself was purple with Ganesha on the front, on the back of the blotters was the classic "elephants on parade" from the Disney movie "DUMBO" but this side had no color.

We stopped by my house as a meeting spot so we could begin following the others to the show, I was in the car with friends Jordan & Andrew. In the other car would be some characters known to me as Aaron, Robert, & Shane. Nobody else dropped Acid at the show. I had taken two tablets thinking my tolerance to psychedelia was low for some reason. It would take effect WAY WAY WAY faster than it did before. I felt like i had taken something almost as soon as the blotter landed on my tongue, But it really only took hold within 25-30 mins placebo or not i could tell i knew i had a chemical in my body and it was about to do its work. (we had a 1 hr drive from X to Y so i knew id be kickin by the time of arrival.)

It would be at this time all words would become meaningless and not worth saying because words couldn't put together anything i was feeling or doing but i knew exactly what i was doing. I was sitting in the back of the car and everything was coming to life before my very eyes. I began to see 3d flowers pulsating from the back seat and they were getting very playful with eachother, And the more happy i felt about them the more sensitive and "swooshy" they would get. I felt put on the spot, I had to look at myself in the mirror just to reassure myself that i am still there. I was just becoming an amorphous blob, a good ol' puddle of fuckness it was, in my mind. I could tell i was coming up harder than i ever had in my life and i was unprepared. I was also sweating bullets, it brought a VERY weird sensation i have never felt again, Skin Melting. I literally felt my skin just melting downwards with the sweat. I almost fooled myself into thinking, Yes i am actually fucking melting right now. But good thing i still had about an ounce of willpower left to control my senses.

Fear starts kicking in hard, and regret of taking the drug, but why? I repented in my mind praying for us to get to this damned show faster so i can just get it over with. I remember this being a very important thing to me even though the thought of being there scared me to death. I already knew i was going to have a really bad trip but i didn't want to spoil anybody's fun and have them turn around and drive me fucking home. It was actually taking every ounce of my physical and mental strength to even sit in the backseat of the car; But I was so lost within myself i thought that i was painstakingly dragging this car to the show all by myself. Funny this is nobody else gave a shit, Nobody knew the importance of this show or how this would be the one thing that turns me into a nicotine stain on the fabric of society.

    Once we got to the venue my door swung wide open and a bunch of really hairy people with furry looking faces grabbed me and pulled me out of the car. I looked up and saw this group of strange people and they were saying things like "Damn how much did he take", "Bad Trip" and "How is the weather over there". I couldn't tell one person from the next (For instance i look at Shane but he is wearing my friend Kingsley's face and he isnt even at the show.), I thought i knew who i was looking at but the faces all looked the same, Dark and really fuzzy, Some very reptillian and sculpted. I would go with the "flow" of this feeling and leave my body for periods of time where perception would go TOTALLY haywire.

Everything around me was washing into an ancient and evil machine that was riddled with blood and flesh, this great constructs gears crushed the bones of the living to dust, serrated steel teeth that had clenched thousands of people within. The strongest of men would be at the front row of teeth to represent the power of the machine and to let it be known None would be able to conquer nor even understand it. It was a rusy piece of work with no ryhme or reason other than bending people to its will and killing them if we would resist.

I Found myself inside the venue, i could feel a lake of sweat pouring down my entire body. Im walking around holding my ticket out infront of me like a moron. Walking felt like i was walking on water(if you can imagine what that feels like.)SAFETY FIRST: I see a large pole in the middle of the place and decide to wrap my entire body around it like a snake to keep my balance. The music was knocking me off of my feet and i needed support. Ravenous black & blue outlined cats ran across the floor, they were very agitated and wet pussies, i had to really watch my step at this point. The mosh pit turned into a whirling vortex of fists, knives, and assault weapons. People ran by me and would throw themselves violently into the vortex, some grabbing me trying to take me with them. The crowd was not human anymore, i didn't even know why i was here.

I was now in Hell, the people were Mutated and Vampiric. They stormed in a great circle laughing and chanting my name while im in the middle wrapped around this pole. They began pulling out AK-47's, Machetes and RPG's. They fired all their guns into the ceiling for a while before the Devil himself stepped unto the stage and began to speak in my friend Farwells voice. He screamed in a very high pitched voice "HOW DA FUCK YOU GUISE DOINNN? WE ARE HOLY FUCKING GRAAAIL!" BOOM. A very loud note was hit after this and i saw two sexy women legs spread wide open to a Firey fucking explosion (of course) that rose from the stage; thus revealing the most epic show ever. The Frontman (Satan) was growing to a gargantuan size and for the moment it seemed like it was just me and him, he pointed at my face like something out of a 3D movie and nodded at me, his hair flickered all around and curled into snakes at the ends, he was most definitely welcoming me to my new home. All the gutter punks began to have a giant orgy at this point, alot of them were touching me and trying to assassinate my sense of character.

  All words and sounds were inaudible other than it sounding alot like Dragonforce. I let go of the pole and hit my fucking face on the floor. I was helped up by my someone(Jordan) who had enough time to dodge all the explosions, homosexual demons and ravenous cats.  I wandered all around until i found a staircase. I sat on the bottom step and stared at the ground. I kept seeing like i was looking off the balcony of the building, but i saw myself falling from it fast to my death over and over and over and over again until it spiraled out of control. I would look over to the door that led to the balcony and i started crying, i felt i was going to be thrown off at any moment. And right when my fear hits its breaking point i just see the whole building just fucking collapse like a perfect demolition. And again, and again, and again this visualization would repeat itself and its burned into my mind to this day. I saw Jordan infront of me now, and all around him all i can see is an infinite pattern of stairs cascading violently in and out of eachother so i mumble under my breath to him. Jordan is here right now to tell us what i actually did and said: Well first you went cross-eyed, Put your hand in a L shape around your moustache, pointed over towards some people at the bar, took a really deep breath and began shouting "WATCH OUT THE FUCKING STAIRS" he also said the entire show i would take this huge breathe and i would smile at the ground for a second, but then id go back into a very serious and petrified stare. He reports he was worried about my mental state at this time.

Now the worst feeling came in, feeling abandoned. I knew that my friends were going to leave without me at this point and be laughing their asses off about it on the way home, yucking it up and shit. I just sat back and accepted it like nothing though, i figured i had already accepted i was dead by this point and my very soul fabric would be stained for the rest of my life. No matter what i did, no matter where i sat or stood, or what thought i could think; everything was a life or death decision at this point. This was Do or Die, Everything was absolutely hazardous to my health and well being. I couldn't shake the feeling of being left here to die.. i had put all my trust into my friends and for them to just drive me to Hell and leave me there just wasn't them.

Now i would finally see the light, Through all this madness and chaos i could actually recognize somebody! But this was not who i expected to see in Hell. I saw Jesus Christ in a window, he was smiling and waving for my attention. I ran to him as fast as i can and i stood infront of this dude for 5 minites staring straight into his face gasping for breathe. I was stunned, i couldn't believe what i was seeing and i was so happy that if anyone could help me in this situation it would be Jesus. He kept speaking but it sounded like he just inhaled a shitload of helium so i couldn't understand. I grabbed him by the sholders and im all like "thank god your here!", his lips moved again but i couldn't understand. I sat and smiled crazily at him still holding his sholders. Then i kept yelling "WHAT?!" at him getting closer and closer to his face each time because i couldn't fucking hear what Jesus had to say and i was getting pissed.

SO at this point one of my friends directs me outside and is leading me away, while another friend told Jesus "sorry man he is..not all there right now." Apparently he was trying to sell me something.
I found myself being led outside to the car until were driving home. Just me and Jordan, i asked him 1000 times if he knew where we were and if "they" were going to leave me. He reminded me i was perfectly fine and they weren't going anywhere without me. But i had to reassure myself every 2 minutes. After being in the car for about 15, i began to feel WAY better and the ego death begain to cease and i was feeling what i normally felt when i took acid the last 2 times and everytime after that, I realised also this whole scene took place within a 3 hour period and i still had many to go.

I got home and my dad was waiting for me at the door because he had some new fishing poles for me and my bro, he was flying in the next morning and i forgot all about it. Trying to avoid my Dad i tell him the fishing poles are fucking beautiful then run to my room and thats when i got into conversations with myself that never stopped as long as i lived.  I was very very dissociated the rest of the night going over what the fuck seriously just happened to me. I listened to Jimi Hendrix blues album and had an orgasm. I also watched some old Black Sabbath videos on VHS and i kept going into that lopsided world of wackiness. Dimensions on objects really took amazing and bendy forms. I could see patterns on everything i looked at, I saw myself in the mirror and i actually became the amorphous blob i described in the beginning, electricity was shooting out of me in all directions, my room was made of sand and pyramids were forming in my tile. My forehead kept darting up and outwards, creating a crazy bird mowhawk. I could see the molecules floating through the air and see every slight detail and more. The color was really bright and high contrast; But it would act nasty & serious on me. The room was alive and clever, it wanted to wash me away and i naturally fought it off. I kept having momentary flashbacks, fragments of the show i was just at that blew my balls off. I kept hearing the guitar screaming solos while my body convulsed & i would see myself from birds eye view sitting on the stairs. Then id go even higher and id be looking down at the venue from the sky, but i couldn't stop it i soared even higher then next thing i knew i was seeing the entire world from space. Everybody i ever tripped with to that point was standing around the earth in a circle and we were oscillating. They even showed the characteristics they usually showed whilst tripping. Somehow i just knew that we were all here in some fucked up way. I could feel a wobbling feeling and the visuals went from side to side like i was on a boat for a moment before it was just looking down at myself from birds eye view again, i was still at the show in my minds eye.

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  • 5 weeks later...

The bad trip I had that gave me hppd started with me driving on I-95 with my friend paul and smoking a blunt in the middle of may about 3 months ago. I took 3 hits of Lsd about 40 minutes beforehand from a new source, which was a very bad idea. I had some crappy mix cd's my other buddy dan had left in my truck to listen to when we were going on a smoke ride, so we put one on and this one song that repeats the lyric "young star" came on and the rap that accompanied the repetitive lyric seemed to turn demonic, but I tried to ignore it. Looking at the philadelphia city skyline I experienced an intense ego death and my vision was all trails and tracers. I struggled to get off at the 420 exit to get back to our neighborhood, and I dropped paul off because it seemed he may have been having a difficult trip as well. I went home extremely anxious, and not knowing what to do with myself I went back out to meet up with my friends dan and frank. When we walked over to dan's house is when my trip peaked and I freaked out thinking the world was ending and I was going to hell. Frank tried to calm me down and I said goodbye to him because I thought I was definitely going to die. I asked him if it was ok to walk around, he laughed and said "yeah come on, we're going to x's house" (x is an older woman's house we hung out at often and did various drugs, drank and smoked her up). So we went behind x's house and smoked some more, making the already hellish trip even worse. At this point I thought my life would consist of a cycle of torture for eternity and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I began to hallucinate a large bright light in the upper left corner of my vision and a bleak darkness in the lower right. The light continually overpowered the darkness and was pretty cool at the time even though I was having a bad trip. Sure enough, about a week later I developed hppd and have been coping pretty well since the symptoms are gradually diminishing.

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It was horrible, complete ego-death and everything i looked at just turned in to nothing, i believe being dead is the closest "feeling" i can relate my trip with. That followed by a three hour long panic attack. Even contemplated suicide in the midst of it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The trip that really was the breaking point (I wasn't really in a mentally healthy place at the time anyway. Good call to trip. Hahah) I took two tabs of waht was allegedly acid but there are doubts. It was terrible. Some of the most intense anxiety I have ever experienced. The toughest part was that it wasn't anxiety about an issue. It was just a locked emotion. I kind of felt like something was up immediately during the comedown because at the end I didn't feel the sort of warmth and love I had felt at the end of other difficult trips. I felt beaten, worn thin, and hollow. It took an extremely long time for me to figure out what had happened. My headspace was "I think somethings wrong but I can't tell because I can't remember how I was before. Maybe I was always this way?" Also, to me, the symptoms of dp/dr are so difficult to describe that I didn't really know how to go about researching.

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My HPPD developed slowly over the course of years, but the two experiences that made it much, much worse were not all that bad, mentally.

The first one was a blatant overdose of some mislabeled hallucinogenic chemical, which, while physically very uncomfortable (so much so that we went to the ER) was not a "bad trip" as such. No feelings of impending doom. Lots of nervousness, of course, since the bodily symptoms felt legitimately dangerous, but I managed to "keep it together", anxiety-wise.

The second experience was vaporizing a synthetic cannabinoid (UR-144). I was somewhat anxious during the experience, but not extremely so. I was still able to have a mostly good time. Then, upon waḱing the next morning, I wasn't having such a good time any more...

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