gobigorgohome Posted October 18, 2012 Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Hi all- New to this forum. Certainly wish I had found this a year ago when my symptoms first started. Anyway, very quick overview- I started experiencing HPPD + DR around a year ago. Was completely terrified- had tried acid once, along with a bit of MDMA the summer previously. Was convinced I had damaged my brain. Consulted Dr. Google, and sure enough, was convinced I had HPPD. Talked to a trusted psychiatrist. He convinced me my symptoms were caused by severe anxiety, and suspected they would taper off after a couple of weeks. Fast forward to a year later. I have been living in Los Angeles, on my own, in what was previously a very stressful situation. Kept drinking, and--extremely unfortunately--taking MDMA at festivals, convinced it was the LSD, not the ecstasy, that had done me in. Clearly, I was incredibly reckless, and did not think through the dangers substances poised my sensitive, drug-disorder prone brain. It's a bit tragic. Anyway, HPPD is currently as aggressive as it ever was, along with derealization (doesn't matter how many times I go through the motions- I never fully and truly wake up in the morning!) To make matters so, so much worse, I am now experiencing noticeable short-term memory and verbal recall problems, and severe attention deficiencies that have made my day to day embarrassing and almost unbearable. I used to be an aspiring writer and top student. Now it seems the only thing I can wax poetic on is my disorder and its myriad of symptoms. So. I have been stone cold sober for about two weeks (insane will-power, I know), and plan to continue avoiding ALL substances (including the previously innocent beer and coffee) for three months to see how my brain responds. If three months doesn't do the trick, I'll tag on another three. Anyway. I am 24 and have been living away from home since I was 18. I absolutely love my freedom from my parents- very well meaning, but very conservative Mid-westerns- but have been contemplating moving back home during my stint with sobriety. So, below I've listed some things I'm weighing- and I could please, please use some advice! I have made a pros an cons list, and am not sure which side to follow. Anybody who had gone through this, and had any success, please share things I am overlooking/what worked best for you. Living out in Los Angeles: -I am currently unemployed, and my are savings shot, which has me very, very stressed. Due to how 'stupid' and 'empty-headed' and 'strung-out' I feel most the time, I'm having a hard time applying for work, because I feel unqualified, or at least "not what I used to be." (Isn't this the most frustrating thought in the universe?) -This city, in general, 'stresses me out.' Traffic, pollution, crowds, gas, aesthetics- it can wear you down to the bone! -While I do have health coverage out here, it is a bit of a run around to get it--I am definitely better connected back home, and have doctors in place to help. -Party city. I am DEFINITELY avoiding all drugs from here on out. But genuine sobriety will be tougher. +I do, however, have a rich social life- I am never at a shortage for things to do with friends, and am very active on several organized sports teams throughout the week that truly, truly are the only things I "still enjoy"/offer a brief, delicious distraction from my new cognitive hell. +This city can be exciting, vibrant, full of opportunities- if I can have a bit of guts, I might be able to really pursue some neat opportunities out here. But right now, everything feels SO sad, unattainable. I put my keys in the fridge the other day. I introduced myself to a friend I had known for about a month. I hallucinate all the time. I mean, seriously. +My friends understand drug culture. Many of them know what I am going through, and while they don't all understand it, they don't judge, but rather support me in my efforts to 'get better,' or at least on with life. And they do NOT pressure me to continue use. In fact, on the few occasions I have tried to have a beer or a coffee, they have firmly helped me say no, reminding me of my resolution and everything that is at stake (even though I feel there is not much left to salvage in this pitiable brain.) Moving back home to the Midwest: -I am 24, and come from a small, small town. All (this is not an overstatement) of my friends have left. Being home stresses me out in the sense that I feel lonely, bored, so, so empty. -My parents- while incredibly loving- are not quite on the same wave-length. When I told my dad about my cognitive problems, he suggested I 'join the military' to get some more structure in my life. I studied Social Justice and Peacekeeping in college. So yes, parental interaction is another source of stress. -I might just slip into a deep depression. As always seems to happens when I'm home. I may just sit around feeling sorry for myself, and be so lonely I can't stand it. -While I still have a couple of friends an hour or so away, they really wouldn't get/support this. Very straight-laced kids, as I used to be. I love them, but they are definitely friends of the past, and I don't feel close to them anymore. -Part of me really thinks this will never get better/go away. So why put my life on hold? +I wouldn't have to worry about feeding/clothing myself. My parents, while of modest means, would definitely take me back in for a stint. Feed me well, allow me to rest, and offer all the love and support they are capable of. +I would have access to doctors, therapists, anybody I want and need. +If there is anything I can do to get my brain functioning back, I will do it. If that means three-six months of rest, rest, rest, then screw the rest. I miss myself, I miss my brain, I miss seeing the world. Okay. Thanks to those who made it to the end. Any feedback would be amazing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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