Still_here

I did alot of Acid cause it was there, but it was never my preffered substance. Probly dropped atleast a trip a week for 3 years (2007 to 2010) so figure 150 tabs of acid Only shroomed a handful of times Mescaline once Smoked more weed than I could possibly imagine Now we move onto the stimulants, my favourites! I snorted speed, lots, as a teen. Sometimes we'd get together and snort half an Oz in a weekend. So figure a shitload of speed Then there was meth, oh fuck how I loved meth! I had an easy gram a day habit (and a gram aint cheap in NZ $1000 a gram) for atleast a couple of years. Than came E's! I dropped maybe a couple hundred E's. But...it was prescription SSRI's that triggered my HPPD after all that!

I gotta say, a bad trip ruined drugs for me, well watching my girlfriend nearly have a stroke and die on meth started the realisation that drugs could really do harm, but after that my own bad trip ruined drugs for me. Me and my wife used to be hard core, well kinda anyway. We met over a meth pipe and did nothing but smoke it for like a week. No issues. We then got kicked outta where she was staying cause the chick who owned the house was kinda pissed at us for shacking up, so smart idea, we moved into a meth house! We carried on smoking meth for months, and lots of it, then I knew it was a shit drug really so I started leaning on everyone in the house to give up. You can imagine how that went! Well one night we were all smoking fry and my girlfriend starts convulsing and throwing up. Shes screaming in pain and crying and, you know, like dieing. Being a meth house people werent happy at the prospect of an ambulance so I bundled her into a car and we went to the hospital. The silly bitch receptionist looked at us when I carried her in and told us to "take a seat and fill out some forms" so Im freaking. Sharlene starts convulsing again and having hard chore seizures then blood starts pissing out of her nose and her mouth. This is when the doctors come running in freaking out. They take us to a room and start hooking up sensors and shit. As soon as its all hooked up and turned on I see the doctors look at each other with wide eyes. They rush me out of the room and hit the emergency button, other meds come rushing in real quick! Shar was fine after a whole fuckload of drugs. They let us go, car keys in hand! This was the first time I realised in my relatively hard drug using life that hey, shit, drugs can actually do bad things. Naturally this was the end of our meth use. So roughly 6 months later I get offered some really REALLY good E's. I grabbed like 6 I think. We went back to a mates house and popped one each. I was just starting to come up when Shar stareted doing the same thing AGAIN! Same drill hospital blah blah blah So after that Sharlene couldnt do ANY stimulants. This waws my second lesson in drugs, but I still felt bullet proof. We carried on doing lots of psychs! We met Wellies biggest acid man and started tripping every weekend (I managed to hold down a job during the week!) We tripped hard! Especially Shar who one time accidentally took like 4 drips of what we called "pure" and I know one drip of "pure" could make four tabs! I dropped lots of E's and Shar dropped lots of acid...Well I dropped lots of acid too but... So fast forward 6 months and one night I get home from work. I was exhausted (first sign of trouble) but had gotten some really good acid that day. I decided "incase it was week" to double dip (2nd mistake). Withing 15 minuts I was TRIPPING! Like holding onto the floor saying "its just a trip, Im still here" over and over! Within half an hour Im suffering full blown ego death, major panic attacks, crazy CRAZY hallucinations, and just generally destroyed. I came right the next day and I decided to look up what this could have been. I stumbled across HPPDonline and I almost wonder if this is where it started? After that every time I dropped psychs I'd worry about HPPD (didnt stop me dosing unfortunately). But I always came right. Then one night we made up some mescaline and me and my mate dosed quite heavily. I tripped all night and into the next day. Problem was I spent the whole time freaking out about HPPD! Well even after I came down I felt like I had a personality change. You know that "flat" feeling when youve gone hard the night before and you know that once youve slept and eaten and nurtured a little you'll be OK? Yeah well thats how I felt, only it never came right. I mean I geuss it wasnt DP/DR just an empty kinda soulless feeling. I stopped doing drugs. I knew I only had myself to blame. So for me Id have to say I think a bad trip may not have triggered my initial HPPD, but is certainly scared me enough for my brain to later create it out of fear. Oh...And the visuals...They came 6-12 months later when the doctor prescribed me and SSRI to "cure" this flat feeling I still had from the mescaline! Sorry for the long story

Yeah all the time Infact some times my cognitive ability is so messed up I cant talk. Its shit when Im in the middle of a sentence and I know I cant finish it so I quickly throw an ending in there that sums it up but sounds sort of retarted, then Ill quickly walk away before the conversation resumes.

Hard! My visuals are nothing, but the mental side of it all...

Seriously? You're going to come on to a site where people talk about how their lives have been ruined by this and brag? Speed and Meth never made me really hyper, just uber relaxed and positive, although some of the shit I've heard people talk on speed is incredible, I had one chick talk through the night, I fell asleep and when I woke up she was still talking to me! I miss drugs each and every day. Theres times I've concidered an MDMA roll, since I miss it so much. But HPPD is a fucking bitch and as it seems its never going to leave me I dont want to make it worse. If you carry on you will ruin your life. Imagine going to a job interview tripping off your face, imagine standing at the altar of your wedding with crazy arse LSD visuals everywhere, imagine dealing with horribly stressful situations while fucked up out of your brain (like a car crash). All of these situations Ive been in. HPPD will inevitably be the undoing of my life. And yet you sit here and brag about how fun it is? How you love it? Even despite that I'm pissed I wouldnt even wish for your symptoms to get worse. HPPD is a bitch mate, the sooner you learn that, the better.

Hey people. I have always had this. I get a noise when blood rushes past my ears. I get it when I yawn, when I screw up my face realy tight, and...when I got peaks on acid. Now it never bothered me, hell I even thought it was normal and everyone got it. The problem is that just recently I have developed worse and worse head pressure, not a head ache, just head pressure. Along with the head pressure (that arrive lat morning every day, and leaves early afternoon) I get bouts of this rushing sound past my ear. I wouldnt mind so much, it's just that I really associate the noise with L.S.D and this bring and unpleasant spin on it. Does anyone else get this? Im sure I'll learn to live with it. If I've learnt one thing from HPPD its that its a nasty little demon sitting on your shoulder trying to get at you, and the more you worry about symptoms the worse they get. I find that with alot of symptoms the longer I ignore them the easier they get to deal with and eventually they fade away/become unnoticable. I imagine this will do the same.

Love opiates! Although they are highly addictive. Did home bake a few times with HPPD, didnt make it any worse, although can't say what it will do for you. Discovered just recently that low recreational doses of medicinal opiates (codeine/morphine) increase my head pressure while Im on them, also nowhere near as fun as real opiates (smack/home bake)

I know my viuals arent what I saw on acid or the raft of other drugs I used. To be honest Im kinda glad HPPD is nothing like psychadelics were for me, the drugs were WAY more intense, HPPD (or whatever I have) is still a bitch though! Dont know what to make of this guy, I think that if they came up with a name for what we have (cause I know I sure as hell dont have the "Cannabis disorder, not otherwise specified") most people would have that, rather than HPPD. Does this guy have HPPD, cause if he doesnt I think he should f*** off and find something else to be a cock about.

Never made mine any worse. Im not a regular drinker, however I've addopted the NZ bing drinking culture, so when I dink, I get fucked up! Hangovers are aweful, much worse if I know Ive caused problems the night before, and that seedy feeling that I've had since day one of HPPD is much worse. Anxiety is way worse when Im hungover. But no, no permanent effects. Sometimes when Im hungover though I get like a clear bubble in my eye, almost like a drip on my eyeball, can be somewhat upsetting worrying that it may not go away, however it always has before.

You get used to visuals. After a while you dont even notice the visuals at all, its the Dp/Dr that most people find the hardest but if you can deel with that then your already winning!

Ive never found booze made ot any worse, although hangovers are horrible with HPPD! Weed made my HPPD worse though. When I first got HPPD it was minor but every time I smoked weed it would get a little worse, although it was so subtle I didnt notice. Soon I started noticing new symptoms, new visuals, new mental effects. So I gave up smoking weed. Cant say I feel a whole heep better for it, I didnt have any great flood of intelligence etc, but I do know it made my HPPD worse. What everyone is saying is true, try to focus on life not HPPD. A minute when you dont think of HPPD is a victorious minute, soon you have a victorious hour, then a day, and one day a week. I try to think of positive things in my life, although it can be hard when anxieties absolutely fucking ya... But you slowly learn to cope. HPPD is toxic, the more you think of it, the more you "give" it, the more you sacrifice your life to it, the more it will take. If you ignore it and soldier on you eventually learn to live as if it wasnt even there. I dont even really notice my visuals any more, they're definitely there, but they've become normal and as Rrab said it would be wierd not having it now after the last 2-3 years.

I get this too. Though not so bad as to last 4 days. I regularly get little "burns" where I keep seeing the light for ages afterwards. Also the comment about psychadelics is nothing to do with HPPD sorry. It stems from a stupid rumour that kids stare at the sun while taking psychadelics leaving some blind, its an old wives tale used to scare teens out of drug use.

Hey there everyone. I just wondered if anyone else got this: Sometimes it feels like the world (especially treblish sounds) piece me right to my brain and I feel myself screwing ymy face up with displeasure, Probably doesnt help that I get pressure on my ear drums anyway and can hear blood rushing past them at times. This is only very recent and is a PITA! Granted my vertigo has dissapated some, visuals are definitely still there, possibly worse, but this noise thing is the latest annoying symtpom. I find it really hard being in the same room as my son at times as he slams toy cars around etc and squeeling. Im hoping this pressure on my ears is a short lived thing but we'll see. Take care everyone!

I think I'll probably give Dexamphetamine a miss. Everything I have read says amphetamines make HPPD worse, and I dont want to risk it. I will talk to the doctor about sinemet and keppra. Now its just a case of getting to the end of the waiting list! I imagine that Sinemet and Keppra will cost a fortune as in NZ its not subsidised for HPPD so even if I do convince the Dr I'll be spending hundreds a month on it. Oh well hopefully it helps, Ive read some really good things on here.

Hey there everyone. I am due to see a phsychologist soon. I have seen my doctor about my ADD and was prescribed Dexamphetamine as a kid. He is referring me to community mental health. I was going to not worry about dexamphetamine and talk to them about Sinemet as HPPD is far more bothersome than ADD but I'd given up any hope of ever treating HPPD. I have read on here that amphetamine make HPPD much worse, but then Ive read a thread where someone says they help because they increase dopamine, the same as sinemet. Has anyone got any experience? Will amphetamines make HPPD worse? If it was a choice between Sinemet and Dexamphetamine which would you reccomend?

I hear alot of people on here with problems with their visuals. I can live with visuals. My problem is I am pretty much tripping! Imagine trying to have a conversation with someone while your on acid. I can express myself easily enough, Ive always been a somewhat dominating person and never had an issue with being shy, so theres no change according to the environment. However for so long I had visuals and a mild flat feeling of emotionless doom, but I lived with it, but recently this full on "tripping" feeling has started to come over me. Its aweful. However it's let up yesterday and today, but IVe learnt with symptoms that they do this, arrive, play around coming and going for a while, then set in for good. Anyway. Ive got to keep telling myself that people out there have coped with this condition in a far worse condition than I've got it. Ive got a second baby due on Saturday so I have to hold it together as I will then have two sons, a wife, a mortgage, and a whole life that exists outside my little LSD infused world. I must admit HPPD has had its upsides (kinda) I got clean, which is something I was NEVER EVER going to do without it. Ive held down a job for 4 and a half years and slowly progressed up the ladder. Ive bought a house. And I've busied myself cramming as much into my life as I can to keep my mind occupied. I have two show dogs (I always wanted beautiful dogs). I go to shows all the time. Ive become a known face in the dog breeding/showing circle. And Ive generally taken my life from being sorrounded by thieves, junkies, and crack fiends, to having a circle of friends that are clean, pay their bills, and are law abiding. I've lost that constant fear of problems in my life because everything is "built on stone" to quote the bible. I can talk honestly to my mum and dad without having to forever hide shit and deviate around certain aspects of my life. Sometimes life gets really hard because for me, if I let it, HPPD dominates 95% of my mind. Which leaves so little for everything else. I find that I dont care about anything else during these times. But if I focus hard and push it to the back of my head I can sometimes forget it. It gets easier for us, people say, and Ive learned to cope with it really well, but the fact that mine wont stop getting worse scares me. ALOT. If it would only base line then I could carry on with life and learn to deal with it. Anyway sorry for the rant. Thanks for your kind words.

Couldnt agree more! My mum and dad have enough on their plates without having to worry about a disorder they cant fix. I keep it a secret from my family, especially as my mum suffers from depression and cant sleep when she worries! My mum is a paliative care nurse (looks after the dying) so she doesnt need my self inflicted shit on top!

Floaters are far more prominant if looking at a straight colour, i.e. a wall, the sky, etc, however they are there all the time. Mind you my floaters are pretty trivial. Visual snow is there whenever I look at a dark setting, I will see a sort of fluoroish haze over it, also at night it becomes a real grainy feel to my whole vision. Again my VS is pretty mild compared to others on here. your visuals seem mild, for me the visuals are by far the lesser side of HPPD. The constantly feeling dettached and like Im coming up on drugs, and other painful mental attributes of HPPD are much worse, none of which you have described. However I would take it as a warning and cease any drug use.

Hey there everyone. Hope everyone had a great Christmas. My symptoms have recently got a whole lot worse. One of the most worrying developments is being unable to talk. I get this feeling like my brain isnt connecting with my mouth properly and I get slurred speach/stuttering, also I've started getting real bad vertigo and regularly have to hold on to something to keep my self balanced. I've been feeling even more dettached than normal and being unable to talk alot of the time isnt helping. Ive had HPPD for 2 years now and the symptoms have gotten worse and worse but since I got over the initial onset anxiety I've been OK for the most part, but now Im having concerns for my mental health in a big way. Im completely drug and alcohol free and for the most part stress free, I cant imagine whats set this off. I geuss I just gotta avoid anxiety and hope like hell it gets better. I have a big meeting with my boss at work tomorrow, which Im not to worried about, but Im just hoping I dont get one of my "seize ups" while talking to him. I hate the talking part the most, I'll be mid conversation and I'll feel my whole face going numb and I struggle to finish the sentence, its aweful. Oh well thats my rant, sorry.

Brilliant post Jerry. I know on the old board alot of people believed that THC alone couldnt cause HPPD, however I know mine was made permanently worse every time I smoke weed. Also your absolutely right about SSRI's. I believe it was SSRI's that triggered my HPPD. It had been a long time since I had used hard drugs and as soon as I took the SSRI's I developed HPPD. You sound very clued up and I firmly believe with your positive outlook you will no doubt be one of the survivors! Great advise! Good luck!

Hey Mark mate. I soon realised I have to be optimistic otherwise HPPD will win, I got kids and a wife to worry about. SSRI's have a habit of doing bad things to HPPD. I read about it lots in the old forum. Whats worse is the doctors all completely denied it. I was drug free for around 6 months prior to taking the SSRI and that was cactus juice and prior to that was 6 months and that was two tabs of LSD, however I have to admit prior to those two tabs on NYE I'd had a HEAVY year of MDMA, LSD, Speed, Meth, and I had a regular 2 Oz a month cannabis habit. So while I dont feel the SSRI caused the HPPD I definitely blame it for triggering it. I was pretty much drug free and could have possibly gone on to have an HPPD free life, then again who knows? I might have gotten right back into it again and my HPPD could have been caused by something significantly worse.

Well I have to admit a couple of the symptoms started after I thought I could get away with smoking weed, so I count those as my own fault. Initially I developed tracers, sparkles that would last as long as a few minutes, and bizarre spiral patterns developing on bright surfaces like the sky (smoking weed 6 months post HPPD). But since then (12 months plus of no weed) I now have visual snow, extreme glare off anything bright, my visions is almost always blurry and takes ages for the "lenses" to adjust, as mentioned in a previous post I have vertigo, and slurred speach (due to head pressure) and I feel a lot more "lost" per se. I feel perpetually dettached which has gotten a whole lot worse and I feel like sleeping all the time.

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Hey there everyone. I wondered if anyone else ever got vertigo or slightly slurred speach? Sometimes I have these symptoms however aswell as having HPPD. However I have also developed hypochriosis (probably through worrying about new symptoms) and sometimes I wonder how much is HPPD and how much is my hypochondriosis creating symptoms through shear anxiety and mind control. I regularly find that unlike others caffeine doesnt effect my visuals, infact sometimes it reduces them (probably because im feeling alot more positive). However if I have too much coffee, red bull etc, I end up with mild vertigo and have to hold on to things to steady myself, which in turn brings on panic and anxiety.

Gidday everyone. Well I thought I'd share may story. Im usually a reader rather than a writer but I figured fuck it. I have suffered with HPPD for 2 years now. My symptoms include visual trembles, after images, tracers, visual snow, floaters, DP/DR, flashes of colour, probably more I cant think of and the worst of all, at times, I become paralyzed with fear. I get scared that I'm going to get so bad that I cant work, then I cant pay my mortgage, then me and my family end up on the street, and all because I used alot of drugs as a kid. But then...I think back to when I first started suffering HPPD. I came on the board quite a bit and I used to read the success stories. Some people on there had suffered much worse than me and for much longer and they still had jobs, families, lives. And it made me think, well shit if they can so can I! My HPPD, although probably not caused, was definitely triggered by prescription medication given to me for anxiety (I know ironic right?). It was SSRI's that I was given to deal with anxiety bought about by our local constabulary raiding my house (And I mean full on raid, search warrants, broken doors, 12 pig cars, dogs, the whole nine yards) for 8 cannabis seedlings!!! The court case took its toll on me as the cops tried to over exagerate what they'd found to justify there search. It became apparent very quickly that they wanted to pin charges to me so they could take my house! Innevitably the lost those charged, however the damage was done, I had fought them in court for over 6 months and was depressed and anxious. The first day I took the meds (Citalopram) I told my doctor that it gave me wierd visuals (ghosting of lights) he told me it was just side effect and it would were off. I continued and things got worse and worse until after 2 months I said "enough is enough" and stopped. however my new found visuals remained. Apart from the meds I was entirely drug free and, for the most part, have been ever since. My visuals seem to have gotten worse, howver some times I dont know if thats my anxiety kicking in or not. I've become riddled with hypochondriosis and regularly "test" for new symptoms. But I've learned. I carried on, one day at a time, and here I am. Im not in a psych ward. Im still happily married with a young boy and another on the way. And at the end of the day Ive learned that HPPD is an addiction. It will take from you what you give it. If you think about it, worry about it, and generally let it run your life then you've lost. If you ignore it and carry on with life as best you can (regularly I feel like Im acting because I dont want to socialise or do anything but I force myself to) then slowly but surely you start to have fleeting glimpses of moments that you forget you have HPPD. Moments turn into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days (not quite there yet). And...In time...You have a normal life. Then....Youve won!!! Thanks for taking the time to read me report.