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I feel l can't carry on...please help


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So,I have what I think is HPPD since august 2022 from a period of consuming on a daily basis marijuana,ecstasy and cocaine(which I think was cut with somethig harmful).I think I have HPPD because I have done all investigations I could,I was hospitalized,did all ocular,blood,IRM,CT,EEG,EKG exams and nothing linked to vision came out).I went to ten neurologists I think and numerous ophtalmologist(all of them in the capital of my country) and they say I am fine but I am not.I have numerous visual disturbances,that in the lasts weeks are being worse(which I don t understand).I have a bussines to run,I am only 21 years old,I must have a familly,I feel I destroyed my life.I was at the point of suicide numerous times.I am on clonazepam and a antidepressant which helped for a time but now I feel I can t carry on.All normal things are harder like driving.I am extremely scared and don t understand my condition...I feel extremely bad that I have done drugs ever despite having all the chances to live a fullfiled life........I would do everything to turn back time,even though I try to repair my life because now I work at my father's bussines which I love doing(my life was a misery for a few months,I dropped out of college,I lose a lot of things,imagine gf leaving you when you have such problems).I try to live a healthy life,I work out,I eat healthy most of the times.A mistake I made was consuming a few lines of coke in the New Years Eve and little marijuana a few weeks ago.Imagine none of my friends know that I have visual symptoms and nobody except my familly(in our country if you do drugs you are extremelly judged and I have a reputation to keep in my town).I also have extremely pain in the liver in the last weeks....I am extremely scared and I don't know what the future have for me because I have so many things to do and I need good vision......Man,I don't know what to do because I don't understand why my symptoms are becoming worse....I have done all I could,I think...Please,help

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Try to remain calm and remember that your relapse of symptoms is likely directly linked with your cocaine and weed use.  Try not to feel guilty, we all make mistakes.  I have gone back to regular drug use after years of abstinence in the past and had a resurgence of symptoms.  The point I want to make is that you're still early in your recovery from the most recent episode.  Try to let things be what they are, you will get better over time and there is really nothing more to do than what you are doing; stop all drugs and live a healthy lifestyle.  Your brain will find a way just try not to worry because this usually makes things worse.  For me, meditation, prayer and acceptence are very helpful in times of distress.  Hang in there my friend.  If you'd like to chat on WhatsApp send me a DM. 

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I also have my own business and a daughter. A kid on the way ans have been in a very abusive relationship. Imagine while literally feeling like ur tripping balls. But I’ve gotten better. I don’t feel like that anymore, I just get visuals. My body is getting better. I promise you for this. If anything you could maybe stop taking the ssri that you are taking. But slowly. If you think you can handle that. I’ve only hade this 4 months and I’m not doc. But I do know ssri ( depressants) can make your hppd worse ! I recommend talking to Jay on here. He’s helped me a ton. And pray. That has helped me a ton as well. 

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