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Relapse and reaching out


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First off, I'll start with the title.

About a week ago, I relapsed after almost 4 months of being sober. I would occasionally drink, and this was just because I couldn't take any substances any more. I was tipsy one night and took probably 0.4g of ketamine throughout the night, staying up until 6 in the morning playing games with my friend. It was the first time in these 4 months that I have genuinely felt happy. Although I have no lasting side effects from this drug usage, I can't help but feeling intense regret knowing that I could have made it worse, why would I gamble making my condition worse, I just don't get why I would even chance it.

Secondly, my mental state has been nothing but a steep decline to the point where I felt like I had to reach out, I gave the UK Samaritans a call and the person on the other side of the phone could hear through my stuttering and crying. I have never felt so broken in my life. They also said I should not be so hard on myself and that I need to realize that everyone makes mistakes.

I have had my lamotrigine dosage upper to 300 mg a day, this is my first day at this dosage and I have lowered my clonazepam dosage as I could feel myself becoming dependent on the drug. I have just recently got an HC2 certificate for full help with medical costs with the NHS which is great as I am a student, but I can't see any of the drugs I am taking are actually helping with my HPPD.

Not only that, I am sorry about the depressing post, but I feel like I have nowhere to turn, I feel lost, a shell of the person I was before all of this and I hate it.

I hope all of you have a great recovery story and any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel like I have hit the absolute lowest point in my life as of now.

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Thanks for sharing. I think the samaritans gave some great advice there. Regret is a useful emotion for learning from your mistakes, but once you have learnt the lesson it was teaching, there is no point beating yourself up further. We are all fallible and many of us on here have slipped up and taken drugs again. Learn the lesson, then put it to bed and focus back on recovery. 

I hope you start to see some light at the end of the tunnel soon. HPPD is terrible at all times, but especially in those early months. Just keep battling through one day at a time.

We are here for you.

All the best, Jay

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